anyone else ever deal with your autism mask causing issues in life

been dating a girl for 6 months and it was going rough, and i started to realize that I maybe have had undiagnosed autism for most of my life. gf and i talked about it and we what we realized was that she loved my 'masked' version that i present when we first met and as i slowly got more comfortable around her my real self started to show and it causes her a lot of confusion and anxiety. She thought she was going crazy.

we're both burnt out with each other but we're seeing if this can be repaired now that we are truly starting to understand each other better, id like to hear from any of you anons

>>33193058 (OP)
That's why you just bee yourself.

>>33193067
I wish I had the confidence to do that sooner. I never thought about autism until gf pointed out all her frustrations with me and I wanted to find the root of it

>>33193058 (OP)
Probably not autistic but almost definitely schizoid. I'm not masking all that much, but keeping a conversation going and being nice to people I dislike, takes a lot from me. Sensory hangover is real. I'm thinking of demanding to work alone because some emotional/restless colleges tire me the fuck out and cause me to depersonalize

>>33193058 (OP)
Not an autist but married a female autist. Met her when she was masking, loved her. She unmasked, loved her even more. That being said, I knew she had autism before she did. Autism is easy to spot, even when masked. She got her diagnosis and to no surprise yeah she's autist lol.

There's really not much difference in masking vs. unmasked autism. Unmasked autism is just brutal honesty, bluntness, and unfiltered negativity. Cuz when an autist unmasks that's how they truly appear, anxious, irritable and blunt as fuck to the point they come off as rude.

Though imho it's worth putting up with because unmasked autism is an absolute joy to be around when autists are in the middle of joy, or special interests, they have this childlike enthusiasm and innocence to them that can melt even the most coldest heart.

My advice OP: her frustration is probably your bluntness when you unmask. Example:

>She makes you food/served you a drink
>You think it tastes bad
>You abruptly say "eugh, tastes like shit."
>Non autist is offended. You intended to simply say 'Nah i don't think this is for me.'
>But unmasked autism = no filter = you straight up say your reaction out loud = someone gets their feelings hurt

Other examples
>Your non autist gf is talking/ranting about something
>You're having sensory overload, like a headache or just brain fog due to the noise
>You impulsively say "Can you stop talking?"
>Non autist is offended, you abruptly cut them off and gave off the impression they are personally annoying to you

And so on. Ask her if that's what her frustration is OP, if you are coming off as 'rude' when you unmask.

If it's true, don't mask it. Just simply tell GF your bluntness carries no I'll intentions, you just prefer to be blunt in your immediate feelings. If she can understand that and not take it personally, she'll get over it.

>>33193270
Oh hey, youre the anon who helped me a few weeks ago. Your story has been very helpful for me, and im glad you and your wife are doing well. Looking into ASD more deeply has given a lot of helpful light on our relationship and also brought up new concerns, and thus the point of this thread.

We talked a lot last week about our relationship, ASD, how she felt mislead and sometimes crazy because actions and behaviors I had early on slowly went away and she couldnt understand why, she felt like I just didnt love her. In the last 6 days we had spent over 15 stressful, intense hours on the phone. I was so burnt out that i emotionally shutdown, and for the first time I was unsure if this relationship could continue.

She is trying to be understanding and come to terms with the true me. and she has admitted she would likely have not been interested in me if she had seen my "real" side first- which see sees as anxious, stressed, pessimistic, and lukewarm desire for affection. She has cried many times over the "death" of my fake self, that is, the masked self that I present to my friends and people who dont really know me. Only my family and her have seen that real side of me.

I feel really bad for what has happened, because I didnt intend to hurt her like that. I made a list of all issues that she feels and I feel could be helpful going foward. but the truth is we've been together 6 months and to her feels like a waste of time, unless we can correct the course now. She has told me she wants to keep trying because she doesnt want to live with any regrets over 'what if'

I asked her for a few days to alone time to process everything, she didnt take it well (she immediately assumed that because I didnt say "YES" immediately when she said lets work things out, that I am 100% going to end the relationship and she has accepted that reality in her head until i tell her otherwise.) Who knows, maybe she's not entirely NT after all.

>>33193530
She says she is very calculations and math driven due to a pushy mom who wanted her to suceed in life and get the best grades and scores. She cannot understand when I tell her my feelings and thoughts can not be resolved by a specific day or time, or the % of how sure vs unsure I am, etc.
I guess I just want to understand the consequences of masking. My masked self is nearly the opposite of the real me, Im bubbly, silly, friedly, optimistic, and always encouraging. I have friends who come to ME for advice on life because of that side of me. Who knows if they would still do so if they knew how I was. My gf has only rarely seen the childlike wonder side of me. I experience it often when I'm alone, but all she sees from me is pessimism. So im trying my best to work on it. I have a call with my therapist tommorrow to talk about all of this. Again my gf already is assuming the worst that I wont want to stay in this relationship, but I havent come to that conclusion yet.

>>33193058 (OP)
I've masked so long I don't even really know who I am and I've never been able to fully figure it out, I don't have the same vibe of "literally me" that neurotypicals seem to on a visceral level. I tried unmasking to my family one day a few weeks ago but every time I think about it I feel ashamed and angry at myself because of humiliation. Autism has felt like something that I should be ashamed of for so long, "being myself" feels like forcing everyone to see an ugly rash or zit on my ass. It's so hard for me to feel positive about it at all because it's never benefited me ever, it just takes and takes everything with its constant sensory demands.

>>33193058 (OP)
I am not saying I would get a diagnosis but I would ping the test on some level.
All this shit is normal for a lot of people, being social takes effort get over it fagot.

>>33195902
it’s more than just saying that I’m an extroverted introvert. I am way different with people who know me vs friends

>>33193239
actual, proper, schizoids are even rarer than autists statistically
I doubt he's schizoid

>>33195328
I feel like pic speaks to a lot of people.
I'm not autistic (but I am -something- like idk)
for a while people say "open up" "be yourself" and it's like bitch I don't even know who I really am.

>>33196395
Reading that over has given me the sense that I might've gotten too absorbed in the mask to the point that I lost connection with my "real" self. I relate to picrel a lot, especially the awareness that you have to hide your true self because it's something that will be hated. I've accepted that I will never be someone that people like or respect because of how resentful, abrasive and unconfident I've always been. I don't really know how you break out of a negative identity because I'm not in a position where I can secure some sort of victory that will make me see myself as worthy of being alive, I would be able to like myself if I could cure my autism but I know that'll never happen in my lifetime.

>>33193058 (OP)
This means you're actually quite good at masking and your unmasked version is at least somewhat unmanageable. Many autistic people fail to even make anyone fall in love with their masked version. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Try to be romantic as much as you can

>>33193058 (OP)
My girlfriend is on the spectrum

I think the irony of the "masking" situation is that autists also don't fully don't understand how masking vs unmasked are perceived to the regular normie. "Oh I've just been masking" says the autist, as they force a smile in a social situation. The truth is of course that everyone does that shit most of the time. I'm not dismissing masking as "made up", but it's my experience that it's often confused by ASD havers about what is masking and what is "just playing the same normie social games that we all do" to varying degrees of success.

The question I would have you ask yourself is how much was truly autism masking, and how much was you just pulling your best moves because you like this girl? I can't say what's going on in your own head, but the truth is that even a lot of normies are treading a line between "forcing a behaviour" and then being a complete wreck behind closed doors. It's a different cause, but it's not a pattern unique to ASD is all.

If you're looking to fix things with this girl, then some balance is needed. You don't want to have to put on a show 24/7, but you also don't want to rot away in your autism juices: unmasked edition for the rest of your life if you want to pursue relationships like this. Life and relationships take effort and often require you to force a smile, or to say something nice for the sake of making them happy. It requires watching a movie you find boring as fuck and saying "I enjoyed watching that with you" because you love them and you know they like it. The fact of the matter is much of life is just "doing the required actions to check the boxes". We are all playing by the same rules, it's just going to hit you harder and burn you out quicker when someone with ASD has to follow them. You just flew close to the sun in this case. Take a step back, learn to enjoy her company and just try to explain basic needs to her like giving you time to process more intense discussions, etc.

>>33197988
The difference between NTs masking and autists masking is that for NTs it's more strategic and a social gesture that they do just to get by. For autists there's this underlying awareness that you'll be hated or seen as a complete freak if you don't suppress aspects of your identity. The things you like, the way you talk and the things that you have to do to cope with a barrage of sensory overload ("stimming") are all under constant scrutiny. You're forced to accept that you're fundamentally different from everyone else and you have to reject your own sense of self and the sense that people will always be uncomfortable with what you are for something outside of your control leads to a lot of alienation. Not saying that it's easy for NTs but for autists masking is like being a spy infiltrating a hostile foreign power because you're having to skinwalk someone that you know isn't you just to avoid being ostracized by everyone else.

>>33197988
OP here, what >>33198521 is mostly true.
Its not that I'm simply forcing a smile and making small talk with people I dont care about, its changing major aspects of my personality to fit in with people who would see me differently If I acted like my real self.

my mask self:
>always smiling and laughing
>silly and animated, talkative
>avoid any type of negative feelings or conflict
>purposely naive for the sake of conversations which leads into:
>take the role of the "straight man" to set up jokes for my friends so everyone laughs
>optimisic, offering good advice to friends and wishing them the best in everything
>never talking about politics, or controversial matters, and if they do, I just agree with whatever is said to avoid conflict, hiding my actual thoughts

my real self, aka when im home or around family
>quiet
>anxious about a million different things
>focused on hobbies
>dont like going out to social events on my own unless invited
>often cynical or realistic to the point of pessimism
>have to think deeply about everything said to me, and get stressed about a lot of things in my life
>dont smile often, talk very monotonous.
>when a issue comes up that i dont agree with I will be very clear about how i feel about it somtimes to the point of annoyance of the other person
>problem solver mode so Im always looking at issues and ways to resolve them


basically my gf really loved the masked side of me, and I held it up for a few months as those elements slowly got replaced with the real self elements. Now its at a point where she's annoyed and exasperated at how I always look for problems to solve or how Im monotonous and pessmisitic way too often. These are things I want to work on, but shes getting to her breaking point soon.

>>33198589
Man, i wish i could swap places with you cause our mask selves and real selves are the oposite of eachother.

I live in eastern europe and work a physical job so i have to pretend to be negative and cynical and serious to fit in with coworkers despite just being a goober

>>33193270
Don't listen to this normalfag. She's a woman autist so she gets a pass. Males have to mask if they want to get anywhere in life.

>>33193058 (OP)
It has nothing to do with being autistic. Women love the persona that men put on to appear attractive to them and fuel their fantasies. When men let their guard down and show their true uninhibited emotions in front of their women, they get the ick and leave them for someone else.

>>33197988
I never understood what normies mean by "masking", as if it was something that they can take on and off. Everyone acts in the way that's most efficient to reach their goals. If someone wasn't masking, what would he do? Always say the truth like a robot (or an autistic)? Walk around crying and telling everyone about his woes? Nobody does that.

>>33198521
>>33198589
The point I'm making is that everyone (Autists and NTs or otherwise) are aware of the "social rules" that must be adhered to, even if inherently non-nonsensical when analyzed. Those rules do come naturally to many normies, but I think you would also be surprised how many NT's are also just artificially checking the boxes so that they don't get scorned. From my own discussions with my girlfriend, it seems that a lot of autists seem to think they are behaving something akin to aliens infiltrating society with the assumption that everyone who isn't autistic is just somehow naturally "getting it" when that just isn't the case for a lot of people. Again, there's a level of irony of the autist making assumptions about the social going-ons of others and then projecting that onto their own experience. Understandably, pretty much everyone with ASD has had negative social experiences that have formed this assumption, but my point is so has everyone else, just for different reasons.

I don't have ASD, and I genuinely get exhausted from extended interactions with people, more so if I don't know them that well. I'm a massive introvert. I still put on the smile, give performative laughs to what is obviously a joke or friendly interactions, ask follow up questions, etc. None of it is "natural" for me, it's a learned skill of knowing what to do and when. I'm not "masking", this is just doing the dance that ladies who work in HR have imposed on society.

My suggestion is to just not automatically defer every single instance of "I didn't act like an introverted bed rotter when I spoke to that person" to nothing more than ASD masking. Do not make it a core of your personality and instead work on the things you need to work on like everyone else. You are doing yourself a disservice by throwing up your hands up and saying "it's ASD, it's over".


>>33200228
That's my point. Nobody is really acting "themselves" in 99% of social situations truthfully.

>>33200286
The only reason I even looked into ASD was because me and my gf were having so many problems that I couldnt belive it was just us not being compatible. She would lash out at me often for not doing something that I shouldve known, or that if i really loved her I would've done xyz, when the truth is I just had no idea thats what we wanted because I couldnt read cues.
She felt like she was going crazy because I was not the person she met, even though it had only been a few months since we started dating.
I mean maybe I got gaslit into thinking im autistic, but alot of the symptoms match

bump

>>33201538
If you think it's worth it getting looked at professionally, then go ahead. But you do have to keep working on your shortcomings like everyone else.

I've been in your girlfriends situation with my own ASD girlfriend (before we knew for sure she had ASD), where I would get annoyed for things she "should have known". Having the confirmation of her ASD does help my side of things like "oh, I can let that minor thing go because it's just a 'tism thing", but we have also both agreed for her to not use it as a crutch to be lazy/not work on herself. You can be BOTH autistic and a self-centered asshole. Not saying you are, but a lot of people fall into the trap of "I would be a good person if not for this neuro-divergency". Just the same as someone with ADHD can ALSO be a lazy piece of shit. Too many people lean on their brain problems as a cop out to take the easy road. Basically, just don't be one of those people and you will be okay. Work with the challenges you have, but don't let it define your interactions for you.

>>33205742
>"I would be a good person if not for this neuro-divergency."
I've been stuck at this part for years, being autistic has made me hate myself more than anything else. I'd be able to like myself if my life wasn't defined by a condition that made my life harder and I wasn't lumped in with a bunch of degenerate freaks.

First off OP, you do not have to be impulsive. Being intuitive is very careful process that takes a while to master. Besides that you need a bit of moderation between autism and neurotypicality. Your emo modes are not the real you either. The real you is who you want to be know that is with humility worked towards and grown into. The real you feels happy being what it is now along with at peace. The real you is smiling at what you are doing had your brain been silent. Now what is not the real you? The person that is not the real you is mimicking other people's behavior. It is in a way copying other people rather than learning from them BEING YOUR OWN VERSION. Now how can you unmask peacefully? Without being impulsive, my God the thought behind your impulsiveness is you not the impulsion, make decisions that comfort you.

>>33193067
Spoken like a brainlet neurotypical.
>>33197369
Masking is draining. Why date someone you can't unmask around?

>>33193539
>She cannot understand when I tell her my feelings and thoughts can not be resolved by a specific day or time
She sounds autistic

>>33193067
This, you just "mask" any extremely negative traits a little so you seem like less of a cunt while you work on them. Talking from experience. Consider myself at least moderately likable now.

>>33193058 (OP)
>undiagnosed autism
Any autism that isn't obvious at early age is kinda hard to really be sure. Same with adhd.
It can just be a form of an anxiety disorder which is what >>33198589 is kinda more pointing at. I also got that retarded diagnosis for schizoid PD and I really can't tell what to do with that, plus some stuff overlap with autism. But as far as I can tell autists just mask constantly and don't really get any social cues when it's not needed to smile like a retard, while schizoids can tell the cues, but often don't bother to mask.

Also being with women you have 1000 extra made up rules only women know, rules which you always break somehow. It's retarded and confusing, but it's not like the average social rules.

>>33193270
>Unmasked autism is just brutal honesty, bluntness, and unfiltered negativity.
Any autist can tell me if when someone is brutal honest, blunt, and unfiltered negative to an autist, that they also feel attacked just like any other NT? I feel like when I point out that what they said is rude, they just bring the old "but I'm just honest". But if I'm being unfiltered, the still react like anyone else and are offended.

>>33206959
she may have her own form of autism. she grew up with a foreign parent who would ask her every time after a test to rank how she did, she would ask her kids "on a scale of 1-10 how did you do?"
"do you think you scored between 85-90%?"
"how many hours this week did you study and did you study fully?"
every other day her mom would ask "on a scale of 1-5 how do you feel today"

i guess thats why she ended up in america making good money. she is very deadline driven and treats people around her in the same way. She will get pissed for friends ariving 5-10min late to events she has at her apartment.

>>33206933
Can you explain what you mean by impulse here?

"fake it till you make it" is literally one of the keys to life.

Both externally and internally it works. If you don't feel like doing something you need to do then just pretend you want to do it. If you don't feel confident then just pretend you are confident. Shit just works. I wish I could gain more understanding of how to better pretend. I wish I knew how method actors did it, then I would become someone really amazing.