Help my girlfriend is really really nice and good to me and I appreciate her but she's boring and Im just not attracted to her. She treats me like a king and I would be set for life but I can't do things I want to do with her because she doesn't get it, she doesn't understand me, and I feel no real connection to her. But at the same time I'm scared to leave the woman who's treated me the best in my entire life wtf do I do

Wtf is actually important in a long term relationship, a marriage, and for a man In life? Do I just settle? Do I leave and find "the one"? I'm so fucked

Also I'm drunk but I will listen

Alright, real talk—this is tough, but here’s the raw breakdown:

---

### What’s important in a long-term relationship or marriage?

* **Respect:** You both treat each other well.
* **Emotional connection:** You feel understood and can be yourself.
* **Attraction:** Not just physical, but mental and emotional chemistry.
* **Shared values & goals:** You want similar things long term.
* **Communication:** You can talk honestly without fear.
* **Trust & support:** You have each other's back.

---

### Your situation

* She treats you like a king (huge plus).
* You feel no connection, no real spark.
* She doesn’t understand you or your interests.
* You’re scared to leave because she’s the best you’ve had.

---

### The truth

**You can’t fake attraction or connection forever.** Settling might lead to resentment or unhappiness down the road. But chasing “the one” without appreciating what you have can also be a trap.

---

### What to do

1. **Be honest with yourself:** Are you staying out of fear or comfort?
2. **Try talking to her:** Share what you want from connection and see if there’s room for growth.
3. **If you don’t see change, it’s okay to leave:** It’s better to be alone than stuck.
4. **Don’t rush:** Take your time to figure out what *you* want, not what you think you should want.
5. **Consider therapy or counseling:** For yourself or together, to unpack your feelings.

---

### Bottom line

You deserve a relationship where you feel alive and connected, not just comfortable. But don’t rush to bail just because things aren’t perfect. Balance your gratitude with what you truly need.

---

And hey, since you’re drunk — take it easy tonight, sleep on it, and revisit when you’re clear-headed. Feel free to vent anytime.

>>33213520
Thanks chat gpr kun, but I'll still reply with realistic expectations.

We do treat eachother well, albeit for me it's easy because I treat everybody well.
I don't feel understood. With all due respect to her we're not on the same intellectual level there are things and concepts I find interesting and important,.as well as humor, that she will just never understand. It's been 8 months already and that hasn't changed, we're just on different levels. She's not educated or really all that cultured and sometimes I feel the weight of that.

She also can have really severe immaturity streaks and issues with her job, finances, family,.that I just don't relate to. I try to be supportive but it is draining. She's not a self confident, independent person and I often find myself treating her more like a daughter or a close friend than a partner. I don't feel the equal level. I don't feel like she's on the same level as me. When things are good it's fine but when she has issues I find them petty and wish she had.more resolve and maturity.

As for attraction and connection. I think she's a solid 6/10. She's pretty but she doesn't fit any if my preferences.. and as for personality she's easygoing which is a huge plus but recently she's been difficult and depressed and I just am not sure if it's worth dealing with
I feel like our future, albeit with the same vision in mind will bee caring for her like an additional child rather than two independent adults facing reality together. She's just not strong or independent.

We have a lot of shared hobbies and values and visions for the future but I doubt her ability to carry them out.. she's simply in a lower level than me, intellectually and spiritually and I find that hard although her love for me is apparent. But at the end of the day I find myself wondering is that.enough or just the bare minimum I'm setting for.

That's.the core of the issue
She's a good girl, but she's nothing special to me. What do I do?

>>33213586
She's a woman just deal with it

>>33213599
If she's going to provide the bare minimum in emotional and mental capability then I shouldn't I at least be with a woman who I think is hot

>>33213608
yeah go for it, in this day and age they're a dime a dozen

>>33213512 (OP)
Maybe you should stick with her and find a male friend to do those things she doesn't get with? Or are you referring to weird sex stuff?

>>33213617
I recognize that but I just don't feel anything. A future with her is a good idea but nothing more I feel no attraction or draw to her on an emotional level.

>>33213629
I have male friends but I still want to feel a basic respect, admiration, and desire for my partner but I don't. Àm I wrong for that?

Nigger you're a retard
All you need to ask yourself is if she is a worthy candidate of being the mother to your children. If she is, then put some babies in her. Otherwise, you need to keep looking

>>33213683
In the beginning she seemed like a prime candidates do that but recently she has me doubting. Gone is her self confidence and easygoing nature now she's constantly dealing with problems with her mother, her self confidence, her career. I love her but she has no identity or strength outside of me and I fear the slightest problem with her life will just be my responsibility to deal with because on her own she's like a child constantly brought down by the simplest problems in life. Yes she's good to me but she has no independence or self confidence and I know it's going to be my responsibility to deal with her emotions for life.
I don't trust her to be able to handle the challenges of life and know it's just going to be all on me. It feels like entering my future with an additional child rather than an independennt self assures adult to take it all on with

>>33213512 (OP)
Just emotionally cheat on her until you find someone better. Be on the lookout for someone you could dump her for, once you find that someone slowly start inching your way towards a relationship with her without breaking any boundaries, then when you know you could do it, break up with your gf and make the switch.

This way you keep the stability of your current gf while getting to look for a new more exciting one.

>>33213733
I’m going through a similar situation. Can you provide some pointers? Like can you provide more detail on your specific situation and what you did to get to someone else?

>>33213897
This will only work with a woman who you have an excuse to be around regularly. Like a coworker, or someone in your friend group. It's hard to set up meeting up with a woman to hangout as friends when you already have a gf. Maybe if you both regularly attend some sort of group activity, like a climbing gym or hiking club.

>>33213586
>an additional child rather than two independent adults facing reality together.
Yes, that's what women are.

>>33213512 (OP)
I hate men like you. She wants to serve you and you hate her because you want a bad girl you might as well be my ex>>33213733
You should kill yourself why is cheating always justified when men do it men want submissive good girls then complain that they are boring and cheat with some slut stay with your girlfriend OP is an asshole starting to hate her the moment she has some problems in his life and sounds like a narc with mommy issues

>>33213586
Does your name begin with A? If so email me now motherfucker

>>33215191
I don't hate her nor do I want a bad girl, I appreciate her but I am extremely nervous about going through life with someone who has no strength or capability handling tough situations, no career path whatsoever, and who I'm at a baseline really not all that close with or attracted to

You're saying I should just be grateful because she's nice to me? Shouldn't that be a bare minimum standard, not the selling point for an entire relationship?

>>33215200
No lol

Anyways now that I'm sobered up and rested. Yeah shit sucks. I like her enough to be with her, and she's good enough to stick with, but I recognize it will never be fulfilling, this is the definition of settling, and idk if I should really do that

>>33213512 (OP)
I know this feeling. I have no advice to give but I can relate. She thinks I'm the greatest person on Earth and shows me endless support and love but I just can't connect deeply with her. I feel like if I were to risk a relationship with someone that I'm crazy for it would just end in disappointment and that what I have now is as good as it gets.

>>33213512 (OP)
This is a tough spot OP, you have something good and you're smart enough to know it but you want something right for you, and that's not always the same unfortunately.

Id say give it a little time and tell her directly what it is your dealing with, maybe she can make corrections? What's your biggest concern at this point keeping you from fully committing?

>>33215191
Go smoke cock bitch

>>33213512 (OP)
Tell her to work out and make herself hotter and be less boring or you'll leave her for another girl.

>>33216302
>Yeah shit sucks. I like her enough to be with her, and she's good enough to stick with, but I recognize it will never be fulfilling

This is you.

> Yeah it really sucks to have someone who loves me and treats me well.
> I hate that she doesn't fulfill my every existential need and perfectly neutralize my anxiety, my desire to go out in the world and conquer and discover.
> I wish I could just have a woman that perfectly satiated every one of my instincts and needs rather than one who supports me consistently as I pursue success in the real world


You are like a small baby.

>>33216260
>who I'm at a baseline really not all that close with or attracted to

If you're not attracted to her, break up. Life is too short to date people you don't want to eat

>>33217360
yeah thats pretty close to how I feel. I am grateful, and i do appreciate her. I just know i'm missing out on actually having that connection, and being in love, and having a life with an equal, able, special partner.

And to that end what >>33217411 is saying, yeah i get that I'm lucky to have found a good woman, but is that stability just the acceptable trade in for actually being in love? Like you're making it seem like im just lucky to have someone and I shouldnt worry about my own needs or feelings. I have a hard time believing theres not someone out there that provides the same love and stability she does who ALSO is someone i admire, desire, and love. Why does it have to be one or the other?

>>33217375
I haven't quite threatened her with that, and we have been going to the gym together and I'm trying to encourage her and build her hobbies up but theres just a bit of a gap in intellect and maturity i don't think will ever be realized.

>>33217423
yeah I know, i mean in the beginning the reason for being with her despite that lack of attraction was because of how good she was to me and her heart, which i'm still holding on to, but it does leave me feeling guilty knowing i'll never quite love her as much as she loves me

>>33217362
thats my current strategy, giving it time, trying to build a connection, teach her what I like and try to get invovled but sometimes it just feels like she doesnt have the capacity. My biggest concerns are generally always feeling like I never quite am content, and honestly, I'm genuinely concerned about her ability to be a useful, reliable partner.

I feel like i've settled for a lot in my life for stability and doing the "smart" thing. If nothing changes this is just one more "good" decision I made for a "successful" life that leaves me empty. but i recognize how good what i have is, and that giving her up I'll potentially find something much worse or nothing at all. Thats kind of the dilemma

>>33213586
Being with someone you don't like is weird to me, as is thinking you're superior to them. At least that's how I was raised. Maybe you have some problems of your own?

>>33217664
its not that I dont like her, nor do I think i'm superior, its that i don't like her enough, and i know that things that I find interesting or funny or want to do, she literally doesn't get it. I can send her a meme and she just doesn't understand it, even after explained. I can bring up a topic about life or current events and she has no idea what any of the background material is and no opinons of her own on any of it. She's just very basic intelligence, and a normie. It's like talking to a 13 year old. it gets draining when you're with someone for days at a time and they arent curious, or funny, or really able to have deep or meaningful conversation. She means well, but shes simple.

The reason I;m with her is more or less soley because she is kind, and thoughtful, loyal, and caring. And as time has gone on, thats just not enough. There's just something missing, a pull or a special feeling, something that makes me think "wow shes really an awesome girl". I'm trying so hard to just lower my expectations, and be happy for what I have and try to force myself to feel something but its hard. I'm sure I have problems but I can't control how I feel, and a hug or kiss from her, doesnt make me feel anything

>>33217680
You are with a person you don't like like, which is your problem rather than hers, and you're passing that off on her for not liking memes or conversations about Iran.

>>33217680
Resentment will build and poison the relationship, talk with her about this or tear off the band aid.

>>33217686
Thats my point. I care for her deeply and I appreciate her as a partner, but I'm not particularly attracted to or interested in her. I know thats my fault on settling in the first place, but everyone keeps telling me "BRO YOURE LUCKY YOU HAVE A GOOD GIRL WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT" and I internally recognize that I am lucky, but still unfufilled. hence the thread. I don't know what to do. I dont know if that attraction can be built, if it just takes more time, efforts on my end, some way to make her grow with me, or some way to just shut down my brain and accept settling. Or just leave I guess but thats equally scary.

>>33217680
It's just not clicking for you. Hopefully this hasn't been something that lasted for a long time, but you'll need to figure out how to work yourself through breaking things off. You can't force love.

>>33217704
we've been together about 8 months. I didn't really start feeling this way until about 2-3 months ago desu. She has changed a bit, that solid foundation of her personality that got me interested in the first place despite the lack of attraction (shes not ugly to me, just average) started to change as I realized how poorly she handled things in life, and she became less cheery and bright, which just kinda took the whole thing down for me a bit. I had hoped that the click would build over time as I got to know her more and we did things together but it's really just remained stagnant.

>>33217700
Who is everyone? I am telling you it strikes me as unusual to be with someone you don't like like, particularly when it's causing you distress. It kinda reminds me of my phobias about depression, the prospect of being deep in a relationship I only feel lukewarm about. What's keeping you in the relationship? Sunk cost fallacy? Are you one of the folks who is too guilty to break up and can only ever get dumped? Are you afraid you need her or vice versa?

>>33217711
Yeah, no. You don't have a lease together. You've only been together for 8 months, you still haven't developed anything meaningful, etc.
Heads up, though. People being less cheery and bright happens. Experiencing life can be pretty fucking gay, and using that as a reason to boost leaving someone is fucked up. You've listed enough reasons. Stop dragging the carcass of this relationship along. She could tell that you're not into it, and her attitude and brightness probably alluded to exactly that

>>33217713
Well I'm scared to break up with her for a few reasons. Mainly, I just really wanted it to work. She is still despite the lack of "spark", the most caring, loving partner i've ever had. She is an amazing person, and I feel lucky to have her, albeit the connection doesn't go really any deeper than that. I really just wanted to give it time to see if my own feelings would grow, or I could get over what I perceived as me having problems committing or having some kind of emotional block. been just waiting for the moemnt it clicks and I realize "wow Im in love" but it hasnt happened.

The other reason is yeah, I am scared of hurting her, and feeling guilty. I don't feel like I have a good enough reason to end it and take away her happiness. It would absolutely crush her and I have no idea how to go about breaking it off.

There is also the general "you think you have it bad, but if you leave, you'll probably never find better". I've had many other girlfriends all of whom maybe I felt more for but were worse girlfriends and worse people, I am scared to go back to that.

>>33217725
It will crush her. And you're probably not going to be buddies or anything after this. It is what it is.

>>33217724
its moreso how she has handled things. Every little tiny inconvence leads to this vicious cycle with her. A customer is mean at work. She forgets her wallet at home. She has a fight with her mom. All of it turns into "im a horrible person, I hate my life, I dont know what to do". I console her, and encourage her and then it becomes "Im a bad girlfriend for bothering you, im so shitty, Im difficult to be with" and it just continues. Her being sad doesnt bother me, but its like a reminder of what i'll have in the future. Not someone who can handle when things come our way. If I marry her and a child dies, we lose a house, I get fired, etc, not only do i have to deal with that, more or less alone, but I also need to console and comfort and care for her, without really any support. that scares me.

>>33217725
People tend to fall in love after a few months of being together in that way, if not weeks, if I recall correctly.

The woman isn't entitled to be with you. Nobody is. If you want to break up then do that. If it's going to crush her, doing it at eight months rather than two years or two decades would be wise.

Yeah, I can't promise you everyone else is going to be nice. The only decent human who ever had a crush on me was a fucking blood relative so that was a no go. I'm also being harsh on people, I mean, we're all fallible and I'm no perfect person. Maybe you need to accept imperfections in others.

>>33217731
Ok. So she needs coping mechanisms. Coddling doesn't make those, either therapy or an intense attempt at self growth does. Her self esteem sucks and she's a people pleaser

>>33217743
yeah i've suggested that to her, and ive tried helping her with her self esteem but i'm not a professional or anything. Truth is, and maybe this is condescending, but i'm just not certain we're in the same spots in life for the relationship. Shes 24 without an education, no real job prospects. Shes trying to get better work, and I'm trying to help and support her. And she has no self esteem, and is a bit immature, I know she genuinely loves me, but she has no love for her self and it shows in our relationship. It just feels like where she's at in life right now is putting a lot on me to be her main support and identitiy and purpose, and I just dont feel comfortable with that responsibility, and wish she was more independent and we could have a relationship of two equal individuals rather than her just tying her ship to me, especially since I don't feel as connected to her as she does to me.

Like I just kinda wish I knew a way to help her grow into the person she wants to be and build herself up, while still getting closer and feeling more for her myself, but for the time being it just hasnt happened.

>>33217735
I appreciate that. I know shes not entitled to me, I just feel guilty for taking away the one good thing in her life which is our relationship, for no other reason than me probably just having fomo. I don't know. I don't trust my own feelings and am tormented by my thoughts on it all, I just wish I could turn my brain off and be happy. Or that it would just pass with time

>>33217755
Could you maybe tell her that? Maybe leave out the part where you were hoping to fall in love with her at nine and a half months.

>>33217755
You have already convinced yourself you want to go. There's nothing more to be said. She has many years left to become someone different and someone more than she is, and she can experience that without you there to have these wishy washy feelings about her. Just be done with it. It's just a pissy little relationship under a year long, not a marriage.

>>33217764
I've been sorta like your girlfriend except I'm going to university and I've stopped having meltdowns as I got older. In my experience, including looking at the lives of others, people have certain capacities that are stable over time. I have had one friend who will never work, another friend who will never have kids, and another friend who cannot handle conflict. I wouldn't be surprised to see that pattern persist through their whole life, and in some ways they're better living in an adapted way that for instance doesn't force them to have kids. This doesn't mean your girlfriend must do something simplistic like pushing shopping carts and be a cat lady for their whole lifetime, but by the same token you shouldn't hold out hope for a total transformation either. A total transformation is something that may or may not happen many years from now.

>>33217765
Yeah If I do decide to break it off, which I will decide soon, I figure thats the nicest way and the best reason I have for it, that she needs time to develop her own life a bit and I feel like our lives just arent matching up or soemthing. I guess I can just take it on myself so she feels less guilty and say that I'm just unhappy and not sure what I want. I don't want her to internalize it or hurt her, and its especially tricky since she has severe abandonment issues already.

>>33217769
I always struggle with this. I feel like the worst person in the world when I break up, and want to give her some way to just lessen the blow. I guess I hadnt 100% decided about breaking up because I believed there may be a way to change myself, or my mindset, and my feelings to just be happy with what I have and expect less I guess.

>>33217778
Like the other anon is saying if you're sure you don't want to be with this girl then it is what it is. Maybe take this knowledge with you for next time you date so you don't end up in this position again, also taking in mind the ways those women from the past acted and how that didn't make you feel good either. And look at what you can do to get the life you want.

>>33217785
Thank you, thats a good way to put it. I think I know what I want, and maybe this relationship was neccessary to understand its worth sticking it out for that. I am still not 100% convinced it cant be salvaged, but maybe im just desperate.

Any advice on maybe something I can talk to her about and work on with her that might fix things would be appreciated, but if its a lost cause then yeah it'll just have to end

>>33217801
If I needed my girlfriend to get a decent job and not bonk herself in the head and say 'I'm stupid" when she's upset I'd just say that directly. However, you also said you're not in love with her, not attracted to her, and don't particularly like talking to her, and those things are your responsibility rather than hers.

>>33217834
It feels sometimes like i'm bpd. She just called me on the phone and I felt suddenly much better. Its so back and forth one day I'll be like really down in the dumps thinking about the situation and the next I dont think about it at all. Im not even sure I know what its like to be in love with someone, maybe I'm expecting a feeling that doesnt exist? it's weird man. I just know that I feel like, if I WAS in love, i wouldnt have these thoughts or concerns so frequently.