I (man) have rOCD (diagnosed, its about relationships, in which I will ruminate on negative thoughts for many hours or google for many hours when I have an intrusive thought) and when I get too close in a relationship I have always been the one to break it off because of anxiety. I can’t stop thinking about negative things. And then the anxiety boils over and I end it

I love a woman I knew for many years, and we started dating

I thought that I would be able to control it with her because she’s the only person I’ve ever dated that I loved. But after a few months of dating, I sent her a message with my anxieties which were
>Us not officially dating was making me nervous
>She wouldn’t let me pay for things and it was frustrating me because I foresaw us arguing about it, I wanted to just pay for everything
>I was worried she wouldn’t take care of herself because she didn’t go to the doctor for an infected cut which she later had to go to the hospital for, didn’t have an updated eye prescription, and wouldn’t go to an orthodontist which I thought she needed to go to because of various things like missing molars can cause long term jaw decay etc. I later learned that for these latter two she was either unaware or planning to go. This offended her GREATLY

She was very upset with me understandably, but I did not want to break up I just was releasing my anxieties that built up and I felt better after I did. She forgave me and came back to me, she said she knew it in her heart that it was right to see me again. A month later things were going extremely well, so well I was thinking about marriage. But this brought a huge number of anxieties for me to consider, which I then told her:
>What if I can’t get a job
>What if our interests aren’t the same (they are, I was just being anxious)
>What if our hypothetical kids resent me for being poor

Important: all reasons I gave her are nothingburgers, just intrusive thoughts I felt and ruminated on which later passed

(1/2)

Then we broke up bc of this. I recognize it was completely my fault. In all situations where I broke up with someone over my anxieties in the past, I just moved on instantly. But this is the only girl I’ve actually loved. It's been 6 months, I was emailing her essays for 3 months pleading and begging for another chance, explaining my OCD, but she's firm that she can’t deal with my issues

She believes I don’t care about her because I dumped her, and she still feels insulted by what I first said to her about taking care of herself. We never yelled at each other or insulted each other. It was just me saying these things I’m nervous about, and then it was over

I have never received treatment for my rOCD besides a couple sessions of therapy when I was diagnosed years ago, but now I’m seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist multiple times in order to fully treat it and get medicated with a heroic dose of SSRIs

After we broke up, she was crying and in massive pain daily from the emotional hurt that I caused. She does not trust me anymore and does not want to even be my friend, she says the pain was worse than being burned alive and she can’t take it again

She blocked me because I wouldn’t stop writing to her and apologizing, asking to even be her friend again so I could regain trust. I am taking a couple month break from all communication now while I go to the psychiatrist. Emailing her over 3 months has not helped anything, and I wrote A LOT

I cannot accept it’s over. I foresaw my OCD being an issue but I thought I could deal with it unmedicated. The one hope I have is that by fixing the underlying causes of my OCD she will give me another chance. I am seriously distraught over this, even months later I cry daily and have constant nightmares and dreams about her, I can’t imagine seeing some other woman ever. I feel nauseous

How can I repair this? I pray each day for another chance. If you cannot give me advice I ask you also, anon, to say a quick prayer for me