My life is crippled by my low self-esteem. I fail to connect with people because I don't see myself as someone who can connect with people. I'm scared to be the one who thinks they have friends when those other people don't care about them. I'm scared to be the guy who people don't really want around.

I felt that I was making strides a couple of years ago, but something must have happened to rock my confidence and put me back in my hole. I guess that's something I also fear - making significant misteps when I push beyond my boundaries and alienating everyone.

I feel like drugs are the only solution at this stage of my life. The engrained thought processes and insecurities are too deep and settled to overcome without some chemical override.

Has anyone been in a similar position and might know of a way out? I'm someone who needs a goal and a vision and a plan to live and I feel so rudderless. The problem is identified but I need a solution to it.

Something I'll add on since it came to mind after I posted - something I struggle to reconcile is how the world works. 'Bad' people usually succeed. Dumb people, selfish people, people who have an innate confidence even if what they say and do is morally or otherwise wrong. They are able to go out and get what they want. I'm too nice, too honest, too logical.

I also base my self-esteem on social success. I think it's irrelevant how much money you earn or if you hold some position of power. If you're able to form bonds with people and share a mutual care with others, that's all that really matters, and thus I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel.

>>33218221 (OP)
Drugs will just ruin you.

>>33218237
i hear you saying the world rewards people with bad values and that your values are opposed to theirs.

at the same time, you say you base your self-esteem on social success... so you've set up a system where you can never succeed. you can never be successful by your logi

>>33218221 (OP)
>I'm scared to be the one who thinks they have friends when those other people don't care about them

Friends are often unreliable because the definition of 'friend' is blurred and varies from person to person. is a friend your own personal bank? If a friend your own personal mover? Is a friend your own personal psychologist? Or is a friend just someone with the same sense of fun? My solution is to not depend on friends and not call upon their service. They cant let me down if I dont rely on them.
I also want to add that true friendship takes time to make, years, even decades.
So start small, go big. At first lets the so called friends be people you just hang out with.

>I'm scared to be the guy who people don't really want around.
You are not going to go well with everybody, and thus not everybody will want you around just like you dont want everyone around. But if for example you have a job, with collegues, you will naturally spend more time with the people who want you around and with whom you go well with.
But ultimately, you fear rejection, being rejected as a friend. It has happened to me a couple of times. Rejection hurts, but you simply move on.

>>33218468
I feel more like, if you fail at something (like getting rejected by a friend) you have to sit down and really think about what went wrong and what you need to change. It's really hard for me to understand and operate in a world where you can't always be right. I don't know what's 'correct'. I can't have conviction in what I'm doing. It's impossible.

>>33218521
>what went wrong and what you need to change.

people have different brains and value different things. Failling to be friends with someone doesnt necessarily mean that you need to change. In fact, you shouldnt focus on changing but rather focus on being friends with people who are really compatible with you. This is the only path to hapiness.

There are different kind of faillures in life, with some, yes, sit down and think. But if this faillure is just other people rejecting you for who you are, well you are who you are.

Take any situation, you will always find different people with different opinion, even if the situation is clear as day. For the simple reason that we may see the same situation, but we pay attention to different things.

There are so many different people in the world, with different mindset, different life experience, different priorities and even ways to see the world.

>>33218537
And I find it impossible to know how to live in that world. If you're doing something and someone tells you it's wrong, you can tell them they're wrong and then they'll tell you that you don't listen etc. What then? What anchor do I have to know with certainty that what I did was right or fair? You consider how grey the world is and how fallible people are, including me, it just feels impossible.

>>33218537
>>33218602
To go a step further - my own convictions about right and wrong feels a bit redundant to begin with. Clearly I'm deeply dissatisfied with my life and myself so how can I justify my opinions and beliefs? Bad people doing bad things often succeed and life a good life. How can I truly believe in my convictions when the evidence shows otherwise? The guy who abuses his wife and lives selfishly is happy.

>>33218602
Sounds like you need stronger convictions and boundaries.

Just last week I was having a debate with a collegue, he said homosexuality is wrong. I thought otherwise. He thought he was right and I though I was right.
Neither of us were going to change the other persons conviction and we knew that.

Sometimes there is no need in debating, sometimes, some differences are irreconcilable, sometimes, in hindsight, you realise you were wrong. And sometimes, you realise you are wrong and you change your opinion.

Its just life anon. Live it.


>>33218605
Why do you try to link peolple's fate with their moral alignment? This isnt a d&d roleplay adventure game.
If you also did some research, you would realise being nice isnt always good. There is a book dedicated to this "no more mister nice guy"

In life, to be wise, you need to live and read and watch and listen. The more information you have, the more likely you make decisions that are satisfactory to you.

Here is a piece of information : studies have shown that women prefer an abusive partner to a pushover partner. For the simple reason that women want men who can protect them and the abusive is at least powerful.

>>33218221 (OP)
Actually, your low self-esteem is the result of your life being crippled, so exercise your will to be more useful both to yourself and to others and your self-esteem will follow.

>>33218221 (OP)
I know how you feel anon and I too get into drug addiction as a result. I'm mostly in the clear now but it was an arduous journey.

So yeah, I relate to you a lot. One thing I remember is that the whole "no one wants to be my friend anyway" thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People would actually try to be my friend, I would reject their attempts, then I would later wonder why they're all friends with each other and not talking to me.

Anyway I'm out of that cloud now and have a pretty active social life. It comes down to self esteem. Sounds obvious right? But you need to sit down and think about why you feel unworthy of love, and then you need to address that.

>>33219708
I have avoidant personality disorder (self diagnosed, matched all the checkboxes) - I think it's all kinda bundled together. I struggled to socialise after I left school because there was nothing binding me together with others anymore. I feel that over the years of isolation I've adapted to handle it, which has made my social spark grow dim and made me less interested in others - but I still yearn for connections. I'm factually boring unless I'm drunk or something and the vibes are good, at which point I might act inappropriately (and obviously I can't be drunk all the time). I kinda feel like I'm 'out of the game' or an outsider in general. Just an acquaintance to people who have their own friends and groups they belong to.

If you want to talk about feeling 'unworthy', it's essentially that. It's not that I'm not worthy, it's that I'm disconnected.

>>33218221 (OP)
I'm a bit like you, I'm so low self esteem that I can't even make friends because I consider myself to be the lowest human filth possible, and anyone who wants to be friend with someone like me is clearly filth and evil as well. The problem is that I am actually a good responsible person when seen from the outside, which results in most people liking and respecting me, and in me despising those people to the bone. I feel insane.

>>33219708
What if what makes me unworthy of love (or even simple friendships) cannot physically be changed or has already happened and cannot be forgiven?

>>33221030
Be thankful you can still get funny when drunk. I used to be able to do that but years of isolation mean that I turn violent and even more boring and silent when drunk. It sucks.