I think I'm gonna have to drop a friend I really like. He shows up to 10% of the things we schedule at best, and he hasn't responded since 3PM about our night out we scheduled a week ago. I could use advice on how to make and keep friends, but moreso I'd like some consolation. I think I understand how women feel when they complain haha

>>33221880 (OP)
Nobody has to do anything you tell them to. Especially friends. Maybe this friend has good reasons not to go. Sid you even try finding out why??bet nit. You'd be doing this friend a tremendous favor by ghosting him. He/she doesnt need "friends" that drop them over small things.

>>33221924
>t. "low time preference"

>>33221924
Haha I'm not dropping him over nothing. The whole reason I taught myself to go to bars alone is because he continually promised we would go out and flaked on me. I plan to hear him out, but trust me this is the straw that broke the camel's back. There's a limit to what you can put up with before realizing you're being disrespected. Especially since I voiced this concern to him last time we met and he acknowledged it.

In any case, us being friends isn't doing me any good especially with the paranoia that results from his ghosting, so it's for the best. At least for a good while.

>>33221958
I agree with OP here. this sounds like disrespect

you could check on him like the other poster suggested (he's perhaps feeling lonely or doesn't like drinking? i don't know). but you should not be putting such an unbalanced amount into a friendship; it's just not right

(nor is promising to do something and not doing it; he should grow up, learn to communicate why not to you to prevent you from spiralling and guessing how he feels, and not make empty promises)

>>33222163
That's a good point, he definitely has issues so I will try and dig, but he does not like talking about them. He needs to understand that actions speak louder than words so I'll do my best to communicate that. And to be fair, he doesn't drink so he only goes out for women, of which he has a good rotation right now, but even in our 1v1 hangouts we don't seem to be connecting as well. And what the hell, he bought a ticket to see my uncle's show and dropped off the face of the earth

Maybe we're just growing apart. Is there anything more painful than losing someone you love due to circumstances out of your control?

>>33222218
>even in our 1v1 hangouts we don't seem to be connecting as well
Actually maybe that's cope, but I want to know why I'm always the one who gets shafted when something else comes up

>>33222218
You sound really grounded so that's good. best of luck digging into whichever issues.

you said you value actions over words, and it's his right now that are pulling you guys apart (intentionally or not), so communication is definitely the start, yes. it's unfortunate about the 1 on 1 hangouts but you'll have to find a way to speak to him :(

Without a clear reason, it can be pretty painful, I agree, so rooting for you OP

>>33222236
Thanks, that helps me organize my thoughts. I really appreciate the words of encouragement, life is tough emotionally right now

>>33222264
no worries, don't give up! it was nice to encourage you

>>33222267
Thanks anon, I wish you a long happy life

>>33222316
I'm going to tear up loll

just extending the same compassion I wish I had for myself in situations like these, OP. you as well

>>33222328
Another good point, I'll try to be easier on myself. How do you cope with connecting with anons and knowing that it's over when the thread dies? Same goes for strangers irl

Maybe I'm just starved for friendship, but it always seems so sad for it to end so soon

>>33222340
I was literally just thinking that now and discovered the word "ephemeral," which is a coincidence.

Well, it's 4chan's nature and it's always been that way (that's its appeal), but also i think it's not quite "over" in the sense of being "erased" because you know or can hope you at least made a mark on some person somewhere! and that's pretty encouraging and warming

In my opinion, your friend should flock to hang out with you lol because on this site, coming across well-spokenness and vulnerability is suuper rare. But I don't get a say in that!

as for strangers irl, try and keep contacts! no reason why if you saw someone face to face and wanted to keep in contact, you couldn't! (Well, there could be reasons, but just ask for their socials is the point i'm making)

>>33222360
> In my opinion, your friend should flock to hang out with you because on this site, coming across well-spokenness and vulnerability is rare

re-reading this, it seems like a disconnect: i forgot to add it's because you seem genuine in that you want to fix this and have connections with others

>>33222218
>Maybe we're just growing apart. Is there anything more painful than losing someone you love due to circumstances out of your control?
>>33222340
> How do you cope with connecting with anons and knowing that it's over when the thread dies? Same goes for strangers irl
honestly it sounds like you're a real m8, fuck your friend doesn't realize how good he has it. if he constantly flakes on you, you need better friends. it's hard as hell making new friends the older you get. for that I offer no advice, I'm struggling with that myself.

>>33222360
I feel like I don't want to let go, like how I still think about the long conversation I had with that guy at the grocery store. On the other hand, strangers seem happy to go on their merry way, so I wonder if ephemeral interactions are a normal thing. It makes me think of something mentioned in Evangelion, where everyone has a distinct self that lives in the minds of those they know. But I like your perspective, that 4chan is a vessel for human connection even if the thread dies.

I'm getting there with exchanging socials, but it's hard when I mostly eschew social media. Even harder is actually staying in touch, and even more is staying interesting enough that people enjoy my company. I suppose it'll come with practice though

To be fair, I'm opening up because we're anonymous here. I have my own issues lowering my walls, so it's hard to develop that mutual connection. Talking through these issues is helping though

>>33222368
>>33222370
Thanks anons, really helps reassure me that I can bring some value to the table

>>33222427
actually I did find this old gem in the archives that resonated with me. your post reminds me of this because you talk about trying to be more interesting to keep relationships. I think of people great with relationships like my mom, always listening, going out of their way to genuinely help. she's got a great network of friends that came through for her bigly in her career.
to me it sounds like your friend's around when it only benefits him. I'd trust your intuition and look elsewhere.

>>33221880 (OP)
This doesnt have to be a dramatic thing.
You can either just not invite them out anymore, and if they ever ask why you can say it truthfully, "you never come so I just assume youre too busy and wanted to let you come to me if you wanted to hang" or you can still invite him but never expect him or emotionally invest in his appearance. Just nice when he does show up.

This doesnt have to be some ceremonial cutting of the friend or result in some kind of friend break up. Most likely if you just stop inviting him he'll drift out of the friend group.

>>33222427
> I'm getting there with exchanging socials, but it's hard when I mostly eschew social media.

Oops that's on me for not considering some people don't use social media as frequently.

Many of the points you made connect:
> everyone has a distinct self that lives in the minds of those they know
> strangers *seem* happy to go on their merry way (seem, keyword)
> I have my own issues lowering my walls

I relate in that, in public, the walls are up, and it's mostly a "courteous facade" on my part. And I've heard people don't just want to bond over passive-agreeability. So in that sense, if you talk to a stranger who's like that (masks how they are in public), they would indeed seem like they're happy to go on their way after conversing with you — but that could possibly be the first/longest (?) conversation they'd had that day, so it would mean a lot more to them than what you had gathered. That's not to say short interactions aren't normal, but I hope it helps motivate you to continue speaking to people, like in the grocery store, because we're social creatures, and I'm sure it would be appreciated by most!

perhaps analyze or recall how you got this friend and then follow that same route. It's at least a start, and they could appreciate how willing you are to hang out (then shared experiences should make them want to progress the friendship)

>>33222448
Great image, I really like his point that it's fine to be where you're at but you can always work to be better. My dad told me recently that I'm a listener and I should look for the other listeners, but I like your ideas of working to be a good friend more. I'll try to put them into practice

>to me it sounds like your friend's around when it only benefits him
I'll bring this up with him. I won't rule out the friendship continuing, but things have got to change. I feel like he'd be there for me emotionally but he's so unavailable it's hard to get through when I need to.

>>33222458
The problem is we enjoy each other's company and he does occasionally text me out of the blue, but consistently flakes on linkups he suggested himself. What's worse is he's always late (usually at least an hour), so I have no choice but to wait for someone who might not be coming. It's so frustrating to clear my day then end up alone with nothing to do

>>33222520
I really should talk to people more, I think that's why I'm so starved for acceptance right now. I get in my head about all the mistakes I've ever made, but recently I realized I've been more upset about my inaction. That's definitely something I can use as motivation to fix myself.

I met this friend in a high school club which isn't an option anymore, but I have been wanting to join a community. Not sure what kind yet, but I really need more situations where people are open to chit chat

>>33222560
Oh okay, if you met him in high school then following the approach exactly won't work. but on the bright side, now you're not huddled in with the same people and can branch out further/be more choosy about who interests you and who is giving you mutual interest and respect. (Like for instance, someone repeatedly being late by an hour to hangouts they suggested themself is not considerate, but that's another story.)

Mistakes can weigh us down, but you're right to turn your attention to the inaction instead since it's a more straightforward path to change. communities are the right idea!

>>33222560
>I won't rule out the friendship continuing, but things have got to change
Huh? Why?

>>33222632
Yeah, the best I can do is try to be a good friend and put effort into the ones who reciprocate

>>33222650
Read the thread, we're not putting the same effort into the friendship and he continually disrespects my time by being late or not showing up at all

>>33222672
>be a good friend and put effort into the ones who reciprocate
Yes, exactly!

once again i hope things start looking up, and all the best OP o/

>>33222672
>Read the thread, we're not putting the same effort into the friendship and he continually disrespects my time by being late or not showing up at all
So tell him
>Hey man, I hope whatever's going on with you is alright, but I can't keep getting flaked on. If you need some help, let me know, otherwise I'm gonna stop hitting you up to hang out. Love you man.

That's it. You don't need to piss and moan. Jesus.

>>33222692
thanks, idk if you're the same anon I wished a happy life but I wish you a long happy life too

>>33222705
Well said, I was planning on talking it out sorta like this but thanks that'll help. The pissing and moaning is reserved for this thread while I gather my thoughts. I don't want to end things so I want to work with him, but I think I'm set on not seeing him for a while.

>>33222745
>The pissing and moaning is reserved for this thread
Fair enough man. I shouldn't have said that to you. I let my frustration get the better of me. Hope you and your friend eventually become pals again.

Friends that don't keep plans despite you communicating your issue with it are like the bitches that already broke up with you in their head 6months ago. Cut to the chase, he's was always going to stop talking to you save yourself the time & headache

>>33222760
Thanks anon, you're not so bad after all

>>33223314
Well we've been friends for 6-7 years, but yeah that's a good way to look at it. I wouldn't put up with the disrespect from said bitches, why should I from a friend?