Up until my early 20s I was routinely abused and trafficked among a network of those who were supposed to care for me, strangers I was told were my "parents", people from all different walks of life. I won't get too much into it. It started to subside once I attempted to loosen myself from the frey of the abuse and spoke to a teacher about it only to rescind it once my parents had consistently threatened suicide up until I made it known to authorities that I was exaggerating and that I had a skewed perception of our family dynamic (lead to hospitalisation -> drugging). For 20 odd years I genuflected to these animals for anyone's sake but my own. I had no identity, purpose, voice. It took one charter from God for me to take initiative and realise that I was going to die if I didn't, so I did.. In that I combated homelessness, my faith was tested, and my senses, processes, dignity crumbled, but I was out. By that point I was left reeling, even after I moved into my own place, even after I cycled my antipsychotics, even after I allowed myself to talk for the first time. My juvenile wish only served as clarity in how fundamentally broken and stunted I am. My brain was partitioned and molested so far from its original form that I can't begin to hope it'll take any shape at all. I'm confident in saying that this is (a form of) brain damage which I expect and have had people whittle it down to meandering self-deprecation but it is never that simple, as much as I wish it to be. I can't parse information like I used to, I can't speak with conviction, I can't even go outside. Art is my lifeline but I can't draw anymore. My cognitive standing as I know it has been irrevocably raped and I feel my IQ lowering bit by bit, my brain shredding and tearing, floating up and down my skull like scum. I'm retarded. Is there life after a failure to thrive? Is it worth living? I want to know if I can restore some semblance of normalcy even in the knowledge that my old self is long gone.

>>33223022 (OP)
Get a job and your own place. Deal with trauma afterwards

>>33223041
Did you not read the post?

>>33223085
Get over it and deal with it later

>>33223022 (OP)
I think your feelings are signs that you have a healthy brain. If you felt just the same as before after living through something terrible, that would be strange.
It takes a lot to actually damage someone "irreversibly", although that depends on what you mean. Even children abused and isolated from birth can have normal development if their environment is conductive to it.
So I guess my advice is, try to make your environment good for you. The struggle to find what is good for you and how to get it is (unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it) the business of living. The self is a flexible thing that adapts to its environment to create a new and better environment (or survive a bad one).

>>33223022 (OP)
Dang and I thought I had a crappy life growing up until I read this.

wow

cptsd haver. took me about 10 years to recover and i still have issues but they don't feel insurmountable anymore. the things that have helped me the most:
>somatic exercises.
your brain is likely stuck permanently in fight or flight mode. learn how to trick it into calming down so you can actually think again.
>learn about emotional flashbacks
your body will see perfectly normal things as life threatening until you can recognize and process why. example, i freak out if i lose the remote, because this was a trigger for abuse. so even when i was safe, if i lost it, i would start to panic.
>severely traumatized friends
this is maybe the hardest of all of them because trauma really fucks you up and can make you into a bad person, but being able to discuss fucked up things with other people who get it is so insanely healing.
>emdr therapy
if you can afford it, this helped me.

you now have the freedom to discover who you are, what you like, and who you want to be. try to get to a place where you can enjoy that, anon.

>>33223022 (OP)
Look into ray peat

https://raypeat.com/articles/articles/dark-side-of-stress-learned-helplessness.shtml

>>33223022 (OP)
Yeah OP I reversed somewhat mine.

I got a safe, stable healthy (but controlling partner) she ripped me out of my unhealthy environment, taught me better ways.

I got a job where I work as LITTLE as possible.

I drowned myself in self improvement, healthy diet, High protein, supplements, Creatine, Magnesium L-theoronate, anything and everything that targeted brain restoration.

I got on ADHD meds and Claunidine (this lowed blood pressure and turned off the fight or flight mechanism) (you need psychiatrist for this)

I have goals and different things that I trick my brain into thinking in the future will "save me" this builds mental resilience.

Also get NAC for Rumination and obsessive thoughts about the past.

Good luck. I wrote this cause i was mentally tortured with pain for years. I live completely different now. (mostly thanks to my partner for mentoring and coaching me)

Good luck.

ALSO Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep.

Quite possibly a bpdemon.

>>33223041
It's never that simple you absolute retard

No, kill yourself

>>33224589
nta cannot stress how important oversleeping is when you are healing. you will feel like all you can do is sleep. until you are better