I was bullied by pretty much everyone in my life growing up, even my parents

I believe this has manifested in me a form of vulnerable narcissism where I am genuinely ruining my own life because I am constantly depressed about my perceived lack of "gifts"

My mind genuinely believes that everyone's entire lives depend on three factors
>attractiveness
>talent/smarts
>wealth

And that these are all tied together and that since I don't have any of these aspects I won't have a nice life and should just die

I believe all of this and desperately want to kill this side of my self because it really offers me no benefit and just harms me constantly, it's like I'm split into two minds constantly at war with another.

Even when people give me compliments, tell me I am smart or talented or attractive I feel basically nothing and can never believe them, it's like this other side of me has completely walled off the reward complex of my brain that is meant to motivate you.

>>33223621 (OP)
That's retarded. If you know that's not the case then just don't believe it.

>>33223645
The problem is a large part of me DOES believe it and I can't just wish it away

>>33223621 (OP)
That isn't narcissism, that's just being neurotic.

>>33223764
Well that's assuring to hear because I've heard narcissism basically can't be treated, hopefully I can be helped

>>33224563
You just need evidence of the contrary, to your miserable thinking. Shit self beliefs are the exact same as habits. There's thinking bad of ones self when life is inevitably bad, then there's making a habit out of it, that's when it becomes non stop and compulsive.

It happens when you been in a bad situation for a long time. Your mind gets coded into it eventually.

To break out of it, your brain needs to witness the contrary. That means routinely being around better people or better environments. Also doing something useful with yourself, like a type of service to others whether it's work or a communal project or voluntary thing, or being part of some in-group where your involvement is either needed or at least appreciated.

If you find this, you won't feel good at first you'll feel shit and worried if fucking things up. That's normal. The more and more you stick with it though, the more your brain sees evidence that you arent a fuck up or worthless. Eventually you start to see the miserable negativity as a delusion, then you stop feeling it overtime eventually you wonder why you even hated yourself at all. Because you form a new habit, one that disproves the shittier old habit.

>>33223621 (OP)
You can get wealth through hard work.

>>33226170
if only that were true

>>33223621 (OP)
I think you have trauma and over idealized image of some things, and you are upset you weren't raised to be your best, and would also like to live a generally higher quality of life. I think you should look at yourself like a survivor of your circumstances and realize it has probably made you better in some unique ways but also you have a lot of grinding to do to get to where you want to be, but also you should be more realistic about yourself and others. Nobody is even notably attractive for that long in life. Practice makes perfect. The money thing is super fucked up, you're right about that but also things are generally the best they've been in a historical sense and hopefully getting better generally.