I need a plan to move forwards with my life. I have money and freedom with my work but my personal life and self are in shambles. I have no self-esteem and I struggle massively to form relationships. I felt like I was growing and making progress as a person for the past 5 years or so but have since regressed the past couple.

I'm part of an online community that meets up a few times a year (different people since the community is so large) but I feel I'm distanced from them. It's a bit of a self-compounding problem where the distance grows and my confidence in interacting with them, and my self-esteem, shrinks. I'm keenly aware of my lack of friends and zero dating history and it makes me shy away from people. I don't have a self of belonging that I'm sure I deeply yearn for.

I'm a bit stumped on what my overarching goal should be now. I started going to the gym in order to help me look better and give me more confidence but people don't seem to notice or care. It brings me back to the knowledge that personality is what matters above all else. I want to change it but don't know how to go about it, or otherwise live in such a way that 'follows' my personality but allows me to form and build relationships (and from there, self-esteem/ confidence). I've tried joining local IRL board game meetups but remain acquaintance level with the people at them (and culturally a bit different).

I felt that I wanted to somehow find a woman to be my life companion and eventually start a family with, which would become my life's purpose - but looking at things now I don't see how I could possibly find someone as I currently am.

I'm not necessarily asking for a literal map of how to proceed - it could be some tools/ mechanisms to help me to figure out what I want and need and what I ought to do to progress towards them. I need a rudder to steer this ship - I just feel helpless and aimless at this point.

>>33225428 (OP)
Develop a drug addiction.

>>33225428 (OP)
Stop tying your worth and life purpose to others. You're seeking approval instead of learning how to accept yourself. That's why you feel so low esteem.

You are the rudder steering the ship. When you want others to approve like this you're trying to hand over the wheel. But even if they approve it is still your ship and the control they give is an illusion. You might still feel just as bad once "accepted".

> I wanted to somehow find a woman to be my life companion and eventually start a family with, which would become my life's purpose

You will pile your insecurity and hopes on her and the child. This is wrong because they don't exist for you to dump on. And if things don't work like you thought they would, you'll feel trapped and bitter.

> started going to the gym (..) but people don't seem to notice or care.
You aren't doing it for yourself: you're doing it for others again. Others are not going to say much most of the time and any mood boost comes over time from within you. Keep going but don't expect a fast change or applause.

> I felt like I was growing and making progress as a person for the past 5 years or so but have since regressed the past couple.
We all have times like this. Keep reaching out, but work on accepting yourself and enjoying your own company. Look inside your past to try to understand why you behave like this. Come to terms with it and work on finding healthier ways to be.

>>33229203
This. But also, if you want to connect with or even hang out with people, you need to put in a bit of effort. Those acquiantances? Ask them to hang out. If they say no but arent clearly against it or dont want to engage you, wait a bit and try again. If they really dont want to talk to you, theyll let you know trust me. People want to be talked to, but everyone is afraid to initiate nowadays. Do it a few times and suddenly theyll talk to you as well. Just relax and give it a shot anon.