I think I fucked my whole life by flunking out of college.
It's not so much the job/ career part as much as an immense dissapointment I feel for myself and the judgement other people will always have for me.
I got in a very prestigious school that requires years of prep time just to be admitted and then burnout/ covid/ personal matters hit and I just gave up on it.
It's always been eating away at me but I always went 'Oh yeah, I'll totally take it seriously next semester' but I never did. At first it was just sheer laziness I have no excuse for but over time I just started dreading it. Actually collapsing and crying just by thinking about it.
This semester I tried to study for just one class. Just so I could test myself and see if I can do this and I just can't. I get panic attacks that make me actually physically ill. I feel dizzy and hyperventilate and throw up while just going over the studying material on the class' page.
And you'll tell me to either man up and do it or accept I can't do it and move on but I can't do that either. I thought I was over it. I have a proper job and it wasn't bothering me on a daily level but it just haunts me. It gets under my skin whenever I overhear people talking about college or degrees. Or, worse yet, whenever I run into any grads from this school.
You can go ahead and tell me about actions and consequenses, it's all my fault and I know it and that's what hurts the most.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. What do I want out of it? Do I just vent? Will someone tell me a magical way I can move on with my life or stop vomiting whenever I sign up so I'm even eligible to go to the exam hall at the end of the year? I genuinely don't know what I'm doing anymore.

>>33229215 (OP)
>It's not so much the job/ career part as much as an immense dissapointment I feel for myself and the judgement other people will always have for me.
if you're worried about the judgment of others, your life is far from fucked

>>33229215 (OP)
>I have a proper job and it wasn't bothering me on a daily level but it just haunts me. It gets under my skin whenever I overhear people talking about college or degrees. Or, worse yet, whenever I run into any grads from this school.
>You can go ahead and tell me about actions and consequenses, it's all my fault and I know it and that's what hurts the most.
>I don't even know why I'm writing this. What do I want out of it? Do I just vent? Will someone tell me a magical way I can move on with my life or stop vomiting whenever I sign up so I'm even eligible to go to the exam hall at the end of the year? I genuinely don't know what I'm doing anymore.
if you have a "proper job" and all this other shit, just get a therapist dude
i dont know what you're doing here either
don't get a psychiatrist & get on pills
just shop around until you find a decent therapist

>>33229215 (OP)
Here's what they don't teach you. If you don't do everything in life on your first try it's over. Should've known that before you dropped out.

>>33229215 (OP)
You have Real Event OCD, look it up.
The way you get over it is by not responding to the thoughts.

>>33229215 (OP)
>and then burnout/ covid/ personal matters hit and I just gave up on it.
Covid was 5 years ago.

>>33229289
I guess. I'm not fucked enough that I don't care about what people think anymore. If anything. This is caused cause I was always such a goody people pleaser not living up to expectations once broke my fucking life.
>>33229301
I went to a therapist for a couple sessions but, ironically enough, never commited to it. I took the plung and called her again like a month ago. Done two sessions. Kinda helps, kinda doesn't. Sure feels nice to be unfiltered and say how I feel but when that wears off, I feel like my problems are objectively shitty. Not just how I view things. Not having a degree is worse than having a degree. That kind of thing.
>>33229339
Truth. For all the mental health talk people just shit out, they sure are judgy.
>>33229565
I didn't know that term, anon. Thank you. I just don't know how to stop obsessing over it.
>>33229610
Must sure suck to be stuck in a shitty mental state for that long huh

>>33229621
>I didn't know that term, anon. Thank you. I just don't know how to stop obsessing over it.
You need to do exposure and response prevention, an ocd specialist can help with this but you can totally do this by yourself, look it up, but in short, whenever the distressing thought comes up randomly or because you hear someone mention college you have to try your absolute best to not dwell on it, just let the thought be there, don't try to get rid of it, solve it or push it away, over time this becomes easier and easier. Don't worry if at first you can't do this, like I said, as long as you keep trying it will get better.
I recommend finding an OCD specialist and telling him everything you told us tho, it's hard to do all that by yourself.

>>33229215 (OP)
>This semester I tried to study for just one class. Just so I could test myself and see if I can do this and I just can't. I get panic attacks that make me actually physically ill. I feel dizzy and hyperventilate and throw up while just going over the studying material on the class' page.
You have actual problems you need professional help for beyond the scope of this board

>>33229702
I forgot to mention that at first when you try to do this, either by yourself or with a help of a pyschologist, you might feel worse and more anxious, but don't give up, feel the anxiety, don't try to ignore it or push it away, just embrace it, let it fade naturally, like I said the more you will try to do this the easier it will get

>>33229215 (OP)
I won't read textual-tsunami, life story threads.

>>33229782
what would you enjoy reading anon. what threads would you like to see

>>33229782
I'm sorry. I thought of putting it in the GIOYC thread but I ended up making a new one.