I’m sure there’s a billon suicide threads on here all the time but I just need to scream into the void at this point.

I’m 20 and I’m already tried of this life. I don’t know what there is to say really. I could trauma dump about everything I’ve gone through but it’s kind of useless.

I go through every day barely keeping it together, sooner or later I’ll jump in front of a train on my way to work probably. I keep drinking because I just can’t handle being sober and around people I know anymore since they’d get “worried” when I’m honest about how I feel.

I have truly just been broken by this life. I tried to keep living out of spite because I couldn’t bare the thought of having lived through all I’ve done and then just giving up.

Can anyone tell me Is there any point? I’ve tried my utmost and I’ve tried to overcome my terrible life but there’s really nothing for me here. Probably not making it through the year at this rate.

>>33235838 (OP)
You've gotta recognize your mental instability is the problem. That's regardless whether you an hero or tough it out. I believe that your life sucks. But everything we know about science shows that suffering originates in the brain. Yes, life circumstances can influence the brain very strongly.

Speaking of external stuff, do you have any idea what would make you feel better, if money and time were no obstacle? What would you want to possibly help you feel better? This is the sort of question a decent therapist might ask to help you formulate and lay out some of your goals in plain language.

>>33235870
I understand it’s mostly in my brain and that fact is also largely how I managed to live through a lot of terrible things by reading philosophy and trying to introspect. But there’s a limit to how much I can endure, at some point reality sinks in and no amount of philosophy can fix it. I’ve truly truly struggled tooth and nail against this life and tried my absolute best to find some happiness or meaning but at some point I have to cut my loses.

What would make me feel better would probably be unconditionally love but I know you only get that from your mother and she couldn’t really love me properly due to having diagnosed ptsd. Never had much success with girls either (I mostly blame my height and general terrible mental state) so there’s no relationship to save me either.

Failing that I think that I might be happier if I had the money and time to make movies and book. But I feel those would just end up feeling like protracted suicide notes, because they wouldn’t alleviate the pain so much as give me a reason to endure it longer.

>>33235838 (OP)
you're 20 years old, you're a kid

>>33235915
Ten thousand generations of our ancestors found their meaning in women and kids. I suggest trying harder to get a girl, if you want something that actually motivates you not to put a bullet in your head.
I'm in the same situation and a lot older. Nothing really hits the same as having a girl to take care of. Money, cars, philosophy, it's all bullshit if you don't really feel the love for any of those things. And it sounds like you don't.
Go work out harder, do some cool things, and try harder to get a girl while you're still young and the girls are still pretty and available.

>>33235915
Life being objectively bad isn't reality. Life is neither good nor bad. Your brain has been fricked by adverse experiences, alcohol, depression etc. Things that are calming or good aren't automatically fake just because we aren't jiving with them now.

>What would make me feel better would probably be unconditionally love but I know you only get that from your mother and she couldn’t really love me properly due to having diagnosed ptsd. Never had much success with girls either (I mostly blame my height and general terrible mental state) so there’s no relationship to save me either.
Love is a good answer. I think it is a very honest answer. Maybe you need to be around some very decent people. Nobody is perfect, so we are all assholes sometimes, but some people have an attitude of unconditional love towards everyone. That to me is the real unconditional love, as there are parents who disown their kids all the time.

I think you can experience love. Height is superficial, like a woman saying she won't find love because she has small breasts. Forget the superficialities. Finding someone to date can be a lot harder for men. Try finding good friends. Those won't go away because of a breakup. Partners and fake ass friends often will.

>>33235924
This shit pisses me off. Do you think there’s some magical grace period where nothing terrible happens to you until you’re 30 or something? Or some magical cure just pops up when you’re 40?

Ive seen tons of guys in their 30s who’ve had easier lives than me, guy in their 40s who are still suicidal. What does it matter what age I am? Life has been terrible all the same.
>>33235931
Yeah but no girls like me, I’m short and mentally ill. It’s not exactly like I can just go out and have my pick.
>>33235940
Life might be neutral but things like breaking your upper spine or your father suing you will cause you stress and pain and depression eventually and things break apart after enough of those events.

As for love I feel it’s pretty hopeless, I’ve had a good amount of friends but I could never feel relaxed and accepted around them, it just felt like a performative song and dance most of the time where any mention of all my issues would just bring down the mood to much so I put on a cheery performance and drank.

As for girls I’ve not had much success, I feel like height is pretty important physically on a man but even putting that aside I suppose I’m just to mentally ill to really be attractive personality wise.

>>33235977
>I am broken.
>Love isn't for me.
>I am manlet.
If you're going to defend the mental constructs that lead to unhappiness then there's not much more to say. Some people will try to argue with you but I think that type of thing is futile.

>>33235982
I would like to believe these things aren’t true but what do I do when life constantly reinforces it?

The pain of my past and current life is constant and affects everything I do, even when I try to push back or when I try to work on my mind or when I’ve gone to get professional help these issues persist.

If feel like love was never expressed in a healthy sense even between me and my own mother then how can I say I have any conception of love?

If I walk out on the street and see that pretty much 80% of men are taller than me and I know that there are objectively social stigmas around it how do I not feel bad about my height?

I don’t want to believe in these things. I don’t want to die by jumping infront of a train one day on the way to work but I have absolutely no idea what to do when life reinforces the ideas constantly?

>>33235977
The reason people say "don't kill yourself till you're old and balding" is that you still got a chance to meet a good girl and have a good life with her. It's not over yet. You got time to turn it around with hard work and suffering. Yeah, more suffering. That's mostly what life is, if you're not born lucky. You just work and suffer and hope it pays off.

Try making a change in your life, like moving to somewhere else, maybe a different country. Especially if you live in the USA, literally the coldest and most antisocial, narcissistic place on earth. Finding connection is easier with people that don't look down on you from the moment they see you.

>>33236019
Your brain is reinforcing these things such as being a manlet, not life itself. I already conceded women are mostly heightist. Again, I don't think it's wise for me to wander into a eDebate about why you shouldn't think this or that. You're the one suffering with it, not me.

>>33236024
It’s not that simple. My issues aren’t just that I’m not putting in enough effort and being lazy. In fact I work 12 hour shifts, study and work out 90% of the time. The issue is that I was robbed of a childhood by years of physical agony due to a medical condition, the issue is that I don’t know what a healthy relationship or family looks like because mine was a cocktail of mental illness, the issue is I never felt happy in my own skin because all I was ever told was my flaws.

By the time I am that balding and old man all my life will just have been struggle and no great reward except possibly money if I am lucky.
>>33236032
I suppose it’s you’re right that there’s no point in debating it but I just don’t see how I could possibly go about my life saying:

“I am a mentally healthy individual who feels loved and is considered to be in a good height range” when that simply isn’t true.

>>33236068
We shouldn't even be talking about your height. It's cracked. Don't use r9k as your barometer for what's reasonable.

>>33235838 (OP)
Whatever happened before nineteen or so has no relation whatsoever to my life now.

>>33236068
Working at a job like that, fitness, and studying: you are being a fantastic slave, none of that is achieving anything that will make you happy if money doesn't make you happy
You need to do something to try to get and build good relationships with human beings

>>33235838 (OP)
I love you anon. Living with a shitty mother doesn’t make you a shitty person. Your flesh is beautiful as is your mind. You will find one girl to love you.

>>33236116
I mean it’s hard not to think about when it’s literally something you feel every day just because of where my eyes are positioned relative to other people. It might not be reasonable but I don’t think something being unreasonable makes it untrue.
>>33236517
Well put yourself in my position. Your mother is lower middle class and your sole income provider, would you not work to help her? And you have no higher education so you real chance at a successful life unless you study really hard, would you not also crave that success after a life of rejection and suffering? And you constantly feel physically inadequate because of your height and general lack of physical attractiveness, would you not also want to push back against that by working out?

All my actions are done because they’re the most clear and reasonable things I can do in my position. Finding a girl is abstract and I’ve no idea what a girl would find attractive in me unless I succeed at becoming successful and muscular.
>>33237492
I really appreciate the sentiment but this “beautiful” flesh is held together by mental and a ruined spine and this “beautiful” mind is driving me towards suicide.

>>33238264
*So no real chance

>>33235838 (OP)
I think ultimately you need to get relationships and financial security, and the faster you practice minimalism and set a budget and get your needs under control, the faster you can get out and socialize as much as possible, the faster you can find relationships. But try to build relationships and maintain if you can along the way. Don't waste money trying to impress people.

>>33238319
Well the second part is what I’m working on, and I do have platonic relationships but they just feel mostly performative. In some ways I feel like money is the only real thing I can focus on actionably anyways, if people don’t love me then I don’t know what to do about it really

I thought I had lost everything, hit rock bottom, and permanently fucked my life up at 24. I've lived three or four other lives since then. Currently working on another. I'm tired, and I feel hopeless sometimes, but I just keep going. Life is mostly good on a day to day basis, and the older you get the harder it is to care about the bad things from your past. I'm going to die anyway, and there's always time for the inevitable, but I'm also perpetually curious about tomorrow.