Need help from married, preferably Christian anons; I know there's some of you here.

I'm Orthodox Christian since birth, 26, got a decent job and am pretty comfortable around women. I still got a lot of things to work on (my lack of patience is a big issue and I'm a former coomer) but I do have marriage in the back of my mind.

Anyway the whole coomer thing is mostly gone, thank God, but it has made me realise that the sex is really, truly important - both the act itself and everything around it. Ceasing being a coomer never really reduced my sex drive, it just directed it, which tells me I will still be this horny in marriage, if not more.

For the married Christians among you: was there any early sign that your soon-to-be wife was sexually compatible? Bearing in mind pre-marital sex and dirty talk aren't allowed nor a wise idea. The church doesn't really acknowledge sexual compatibility as a thing, just that attraction is vital. Is attraction enough to keep the sex health?

>>33246073 (OP)
bump bump

>>33246073 (OP)
i wish i had a good answer. my wife and i converted long after we married and had lots of sex lol

usually, if you click with someone really nicely, and genuinely feel like you are each other's best friend... then yes, you can bet money the sex will be good. "sexual compatibility" is a myth, unless you have a fetish that you need to get off. what really matters is if two people love each other and can have fun during sex.

tldr, i wouldn't worry about it too much. focus on finding your soulmate - the woman who was destined to be your best friend and life partner. wishing you the best brother.

>>33246073 (OP)
How well do you guys dance together? That can be a good indicator.

>>33246294
I didn't think about that, anon, interesting theory. I'm a horrible dancer but excellent musician if that helps.

>>33246073 (OP)
Hieromonk Grēgorios wrote a book that I really enjoyed about how to frame the married life and I think it touched on the importance of one's mindset in dealing with marriage and love. It helped me reframe my understanding on the value and purpose of marriage and the eternal bond created by it.

From personal experience, I feel that "sexual compatibility" as a term is somewhat overemphasized The longer you are with someone, the more each person tends to adapt to one another. There can be times when there are discrete compatibility issues, but I feel like those would be secondary to faults in the overall relationship (i.e., not a cause themselves by an effect of something else).

My experiences with my now wife began awkwardly and grew into being amazing over time. That intimacy and connection which has developed completely and vastly outclasses what "skills" or "techniques" I experienced when I was younger and playing the field. I only look back at that with regret now. If each person is committed to one another and God, then you will get the best of everything.

I don't want to try to come off as an authority though. I am married, and closer to 40 than 30, but my wife and I are merely Orthodox catechumens. We started both as a couple degenerates, an atheist and pagan who found God rather recently.

While it may seem so, the grass is not greener on the other side. There is the point that you will truly earn your "crowns" in marriage by remaining chaste until then.

I guess I must ask, have you not asked your spiritual father about this? 4chan seems like one of the worst possible places for authentic advice, especially on topics such as these. The only reason I stay here is simply the inertia of having been here since nearly the beginning.

>>33246388
Thanks for the advice brother. My coomer days have left a bit of a scar, part of that being the idea that you need to check off these things, rather than adapting like you say.

Yes, I have spoken to my father about this, although I struggle to convey my exact concerns at times. All he really said is "just don't let sexual dissatisfaction turn into anger," which wasn't exactly encouraging. Again, that might have been a communication issue on my part.

I'll always have the burden of the degeneracy of porn, but I am thankfully a virgin and I do intend to hold onto that no matter what.

>>33246381
If you're an excellent musician you have a good sense of rhythm. It doesn't necessarily have to be dancing; it's really just about seeing how you two synch to each other's rhythm.

>>33246381
Good with the fingers but not with the hips I guess.

>>33246073 (OP)
>Is attraction enough to keep the sex health?
No. And unfortunately it simply isn't possible to determine if two people are sexually compatible until they have been having sex for a few months.

A bunch of incels will tell you that there is no such thing as sexual compatibility, and that any two people can be compatible so long as they are patient and considerate. This is absolutely untrue; it's the kind of thing people believe when they've never had sex.

So I'm afraid you face a very stark choice, here: go against the teachings of your church and determine whether you and a fiancée are actually compatible, or wait until after you're married to (quite possibly) discover that you're not. It's your choice.

>>33246073 (OP)
>For the married Christians among you: was there any early sign that your soon-to-be wife was sexually compatible? Bearing in mind pre-marital sex and dirty talk aren't allowed nor a wise idea. The church doesn't really acknowledge sexual compatibility as a thing, just that attraction is vital. Is attraction enough to keep the sex health?

Yes, the early sign was that I had a penis and my wife (then girlfriend) had a vagina. So sexual compatibility was obvious. Yes I know what you mean by 'sexual compatibility' aka attraction, but that sort of thing fades after honeymoon period. Physical attraction stays a bit longer so long as you both are young. But even that isn't enough to keep the sex health.

Sex health is mostly kept alive through love. There's lots of ways to love, and you and your wife's needs will change overtime. Not sure what the Orthodox church says, but Catholic marriage courses teach the concept of 'love languages'.

Giving gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service etc. all of that keeps sex alive. And you'll figure that out as the marriage goes on.

For example: You are keeping in shape, you're physically attractive, you give the wife gifts or loving words, but sex is stuck. Then all of a sudden, after tending to the house and helping with chores, sex picks up again. What happened? Love language kicked in - acts of service. Turned out wife wanted you to help around the home.

Alternatively, you could already be doing that + giving gifts/dates, but you've not been verbally romancing her. Sex stopped. But you give her lovely series of compliments or validation and boom, sex is back.

Best thing to keep it alive is communication, asking each other which love language is needed at the time. Then you go fulfill it and sex comes back. If you don't wanna communicate it, just dial through each love style and you'll notice sex comes back.

Been working for me and my wife, sex never stopped once we figured it out

>>33246073 (OP)
>Anyway the whole coomer thing is mostly gone
Not to hijack your thread anon, but do you have any advice or insight to share on this, Christian to Christian?

>>33250390
Hey anon, it's OP, I was just asleep. I'll try to offer what little I can

My coomer issues start way too young, at like 14. I'll skip over the history but around 24 I finally hit rock bottom and felt like I was well and truly dead inside and something had to change.

Absolutely start with confessing to your spiritual father without excuses. Mine didn't care about the specific details but I made it clear that this had become an addiction for me, that I felt like I had no control and that other people were involved (sexting, etc). What he does with the info is up to him.

The thing that actually broke the cycle is prayer and deep humility. I finally admitted that I just am not that good a person and prayed every day that God give me help because I had nothing to give. You cannot receive the help you need until you admit you are spiritually broke.

A quick note, basically every fornicator I met was intensely focused on this idea that deep down they were a good person - and I was no different. This is a delusion. Whilst you are indeed a beloved child of God, good actions come from those whose heart overflows with goodness. Likewise, constant cooming and depression can only come from a heart over-run with darkness.

Anyway, prayer is the hardest part. Prayer is so damn hard. However you pray, make it sustainable. Try praying after dinner but not before bed when you're tired. A short prayer in the car before driving to work. I especially benefitting from memorizing a few psalms to say whenever I get angry or horny.
There are a few practical things:
> delete social media or at least remove it from your phone.
> block any website tangentially related to porn. Look up to how to alter your hosts file on PC
> Stay away from technology at times when you know you're weakest. For me this is late at night, so I workout late and sleep early.
> Get in good shape. Porn users often feel unattractive - and they often are.