Hey /adv/. Long time lurker, have seldom posted over the decade or so I’ve been on 4ch as a whole. I want advice on the title, basically. Everyone says develop self worth / self esteem, but sincerely how? I’m dating a lovely woman but she plays an online game in which she socializes and meets a lot of people in virtual reality. She’s insanely kind but my jealousy has already started to ruin this relationship. I’ve already accused her of doing things and have lashed out / been cold and uncommunicative. Those are all on me, but I feel out of control when I’m that damn jealous. I keep comparing all her potential new friends and other people she spends time with to me. Is there any sincere way to help me? My parents are like this, I’ve been this way since I was a young teenager. I’m now in my mid twenties. Additional context:
>LDR, seriously if you’re not a normie and have niche interests this feels like the best way
>She has been SUPER open and honest
>Shes kind

>>33253779 (OP)
>Is even possible to get over jealousy?
Yes. Stop indulging in your jealous impulses. Remind yourself that she is a nice kind girl and the things that make you jealous are good things about her, and that you are acting irrationally.
>inb4 I can't.
Well I guess it's not possible for you then.

>>33253864
>and the things that make you jealous are good things about her
Can you explain this more? Also it hurts really bad to resist the jealous impulses, I can’t stop myself from feeling them, but I can stop doing them (checking her status and stuff). I have also tried exposing myself to the fears. Smothering her less, encouraging her to make friends and being extremely receptive to her talking about her friends. All of this though sincerely fucking kills me lol. I feel like I’m suffering torture rn.

>>33253893
>Can you explain this more?
Socialising and meeting lots of people and being kind are good things that you should be proud of her for. They are things that make her attractive.
>Also it hurts really bad to resist the jealous impulses,
Don't care. Do it anyway. If it was easy you wouldn't be having this issue.
>I can’t stop myself from feeling them
You can, by, like I said, not indulging in those feelings. It takes effort and time but it gets better as you learn to control them.

>>33253935
Thank you anon. Just knowing it’s possible makes me feel like I can breathe again.

>>33253779 (OP)
Jealousy is entirely about yourself, within yourself. Some amount of it is normal, it's just a feeling, and feelings aren't morally good or bad. Recognizing the source of a feeling is the first step in dealing with it, and the root of jealousy can come from beliefs of inadequacy, or fear of abandonment, or a feelings of competition, many different possible sources, and very often these things stem from your adolescence in some way. You may have been neglected, or had a friend choose another over you, or maybe you were cheated on before. Consider where your jealousy is coming from, don't consider the externalities that you think are causing it because they aren't, those are just triggers for feelings you already had within yourself before you even dated her. Have a conversation about it with her once you've done some thinking, you don't even necessarily need to apologize for your behavior (though you might consider it) but what's important is that you share how you're feeling, what you think about it, and how she can help or support you. Keep in mind when you're asking her for help and support, that doesn't mean she needs to modify her behavior to cater to your emotions, so consider what you'd ask her for. A reasonable request might be "I get jealous at how much time you spend with your other friends, I don't want to try to get in the way of you hanging out with them, but maybe we could try to spend more time together/have a set date night we stick to, it will help me feel like a priority to you." If you both work well as partners, you should be able to talk about these things and work it out to where you're both feeling secure while also having your individual freedom. The way to get over jealousy isn't to hide it like shame, but confront it, identify it, discuss it, and make yourself feel secure. That ultimately might come from therapy, or working on yourself to build confidence, but open communication will build your relationship.

>>33253893
>>33253948
Also it's probably a mistake to think of it in terms of resisting impulses. That's likely to reinforce the jealous feelings as you're focusing on them. Yes you need to resist the immediate impulses to act out, but you should be thinking about them more in terms of letting go of them, not paying them any mind, and replacing them with positive thoughts and associations.