Hello all.

I have been battling depression for the past 6 years and it developed into BPD back in Jan 2024. I used to be topping my class in physics at uni, but over the way I 'limped to the finish line', dealing with hallucinations, cutting, and getting an F on my final quantum mechanics exam. It's a miracle that I got my degree with all this brain fog, and I didn't think I would make it. But now that I did, I just feel this huge emptiness. I don't want to do anything ever again, and have been extremely suicidal. I've tried so many different meds, seen different shrinks for years, been hospitalized, had a failed attempt in 2019, etc etc. And now the only thing that makes me feel alive is self harm, which ive been trying to get away from bc it's such a dogshit coping method but honestly i just stopped giving a shit atp. I don't see a future for myself and i feel like i threw everything away. Literal unemployed. The outside scares the shit out of me too because I'm genuinely too autistic to hold proper interactions with people, and everyone automatically assumes im a schizo nutcase anyways when they see my scars (which i cant really hide in 35c weather). It just feels so easy to just die. Like I'd never have to worry about anything again, nor feel like shit for forgetting what the fuck the spherical harmonics have to do with solving potential wells.

I understand that a lot of it could be burnout and that I just need some time off, but I literally just want all this paranoia and misery to stop. I have everything I could possibly want; my own place, no debts, loving partner but long distance so it isnt the same, I just want to know if there's any hope at all. Because I sure as hell haven't found it. I've already made the preparations necessary anyways to an hero, just using my favorite frogposting imageboard as a last resort.

Thanks in advance for any help.

>>33256018 (OP)
>developed into BPD
with all due respect, that's not how BPD works. at all.
you're simply immature and unskilled at regulating your emotions. do with that what you will

>>33256031
i have a BPD diagnosis from 2 doctors. BPD symptoms were present in my teenage years and fully developed in early 20s, as is diagnostically the case. I'm not gonna write my full story on what triggered it.

>>33256018 (OP)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUfuDKKGQxU
"Who am I? Where am I headed?"

>>33256042
Different anon here. I agree personality problems emerge in teen and young adulthood. BPD is simply a diagnostic construct, and it may or may not describe you well. But you've gotta know that cutting is a whack as fuck socially contagious behavior. While hallucinations are probably more common than the average person thinks they do signal something is very wrong unless you're normally like that.

Getting upset after graduation is normal, especially for people with mental and emotional problems who have been whipping themselves the whole way. I'm sorry you feel empty and like your shit is exacerbated, but this is a fairly normal time for you to feel that way if there ever was one. It's time to build your non college or non grad school life up now, which is ultimately a good thing.

Not everyone is going to be able to handle your problems, but you will slowly get a handle on them, and not everyone is going to be scared away. So you used to cut? So you're feeling upset about not having school for structure and stability? That could make it harder to be close to you but don't say things are completely impossible. You seem like a nice enough person who wouldn't write other people off so easily, so don't do it to yourself.

>>33256555
Thank you for your post anon. My issue is I've felt this suicidal at a lot of points in my degree but tried to push through just so I wouldn't feel like a complete failure. I'm just back to that baseline now with no energy for pursuing any further goals outside of academia. The only thing I can really look forward to at least in the short term is my closest friend moving to a town only 40 minutes away as she got accepted to a uni program there, but that's in 70 days. Though it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to try finding friends locally in the meantime if I can get over my social fears.

Regarding building up my life, I've tried to pick up Linux stuff as an alternative to pure physics but don't have it in me to complete any of my projects, and I find myself sleeping more than waking just to pass the time and spend "less time awake feeling like shit"

It's just really disheartening to see how little I'm capable of now compared to my classmates who are off to PhD programs or completing their own PhDs, while I've been leeching my savings dry day-by-day and staring at the poison I bought

>>33256018 (OP)
Ok, so you've probably heard it all before from the shrinks and whatnot. But maybe you haven't heard what I'm gonna tell you. First up, take a deep breath and just STOP. Tell yourself you're taking a break from all the worrying and whatever right now. If you start to feel these emotions again, remind yourself that this is only a break and get back to it. Some of these emotions are healthy and it's important to recognize that. Next, pick one aspect of you you'd like to work on. My guess is that self harm is downstream of a few other issues, so let's not worry about that one right now. Talking to people is an easy one that makes a world of difference. Can you tell me a bit about your experience with talking to people?

>>33256630
People weren't lying when they said making friends in adulthood is extremely hard. I don't have the slightest clue on where I could even go to find people who wouldn't write me off and/or are similar to me. I don't go to clubs or concerts nor do my neighbors in my apartment seem to have any interest in striking up conversations. Though I am a bit outcasted in that regard as I'm now living in my home country after doing a 4 year degree abroad so I quite literally lost all my connections from classmates or otherwise, which were crucial for getting me through my degree.

>>33256629
Use your intelligence to solve your problems, such as how to have friends despite your mental health challenges. I have been listening to some advice from Hindu male psychiatrists throughout the years, because I think they have a decent holistic view compared to the average doctor who is likely a severe social retard. The former suggest setting up a social-personal system where you don't have to force yourself to do things. To give goofy examples that don't really capture the breadth of the problem, this could look like going to a cafe to socialize rather than a bar, or vice versa. This could also involve being moderate, like waking up at 8 AM to 10 AM rather than 4 AM like that Navy Seal douchebag says to do. Some examples that have to do with nothing.

Comparingyourself to your classmates who don't have these challenges might be futile. A fairer comparison would be to look at what you have and still can accomplish compared to the average person. I might call this making a global comparison, as opposed to comparing yourself to classmates, neighbors, etc. which is a local comparison. Local comparisons can be the enemy of appreciating your successes, because the higher the ladder you climb the more you'll be around high performing people who are doing better than you.

To get to some of the root of the problem, today's world has way too much social atomization. So many people are perfectly decent folks but live in quiet misery where they only interact with their spouse or nobody at all. The people in their neighborhood might be a totally different ethnicity or on some fucking bullshit that makes them incompatible, so the individual thrives alone or suffers alone, atomized. It's crap. Youneed to recognize this and try to mitigate it rather than beating up on yourself.

Granted, I'm not super pro living. You can always unalive yourself but I think it's usually a bad thing to do and I am giving you advice based on the likelihood you will not unalive yourself.

>>33256659
I'll give you that. Making friends as an adult is extremely difficult. I've certainly experienced my share of trouble in it, and I am actively trying by going to meetups and events. So, what are you looking for in friends? You say that you don't know where you could go to find people that wouldn't write you off. What do you mean by write you off?
As for a suggestion for where to find people you may get along with, try those clubs you've been avoiding. You might be surprised to find out that people aren't nearly as judgmental as you might think they are. Forgive me for saying this, but a lot of that perceived judgement might just be all in your head.

Appreciate everyone's help. But my death seems inevitable at this point after a lot of thinking. I wish you all the best in life. Genuinely.

>>33256886
Yeah everyone's death is inevitable. You are suffering from loneliness and depression which is responsible for your current state.

>>33256018 (OP)
Fellow doomed nutjob here. I don't know why I'm still here either.
Though at the end, you say you have a partner? That reminds me of this song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqUpe6QeBTk&list=RDaqUpe6QeBTk&start_radio=1

I would say you should stay out of curiosity to watch normies' awful new atomized society degenerate into instability and see it progress to the point where this is a normal state for a human, but on the other hand, people clearly like you more than me. You have a partner? A friend? Why not stay and live, try to enjoy your connection to them?

BPD isn't real

>>33256886
Oh for fucks sake. Just a few small fucking changes is all you really need to fix a ton of shit. And you won't even do that. Genuinely how fucking lazy do you need to be to think that killing yourself is easier than learning to make friends?