what's the point in doing anything if you aren't going to be the best?

i started thinking about this at 14 years old and almost 10 years later i cannot answer it. maybe back then i was more delusional so i could put off contending with it all, because i knew less people and in my smaller world i seemed more important/smart/talented, but around 17 that bubble popped. i almost dropped out of school because i worked so hard in my advanced classes only for people smarter than me to breeze through, while also having extracurricular talents, social lives. i thought
>why even bother if he can just live a better life in my place?
i'm nothing more than what i do, so i should just stop taking up space and resources from people who can do what i want to do better than me. i skipped school for weeks because i didn't see the point in trying if i couldn't be the best.

i don't really enjoy anything because i know i'm just wasting my time. I want to be good enough but I lack the time and ability. I want to draw, sew, compose music, write etc. but people good at art had passion and talent at some point and were at the level i'm at when they were 5. And even then people who have been drawing for years still suck because they lack whatever secret ingredient in the brain causes creativity/intelligence and instead waste their lives copying the greats
>well then defy the trend! do what you want
Everything feels forced. I'm following strict routines trying to "become" better but with that mindset I feel like I'm trying and failing to escape mediocrity. I just WANT to be good. To have people think my mind is good because obviously from the exterior I'm just some random manlet loser who vanishes like a despawning npc around a corner. it feels like the only reason i exist is to make life better for the talented, because they would never get to feel good about themselves if there weren't losers like me around.

i went to therapy years ago and the only advice he could give me after i more or less shared the same exact worries i am typing out now was
>oh so you need an identity
but i don't want to have an identity that isn't good. mediocrity is unacceptable. and the endless process of what feels like a desperate attempt to be something i'm not makes me cognitively feel dissociated and fractured. my life becoming crystalized as i accelerate towards my death. my realization as a person is like turning from an organic entity to a rock forced to watch himself erode from the waves of the world

>>33265155 (OP)
Because it's fun.
Because it feels good to get even a little better at it
Because the doing is its own reward
Because it kills the time

>>33265211
i can't agree with any of these
self improvement as its own end is about pretending that other people better than you don't exist while simultaneously using them as benchmarks

1. There's no point in being the best really.
2. Ideally you should engage in hobbies for personal fulfulment [weather it makes you happy directly or just the accomplishment] and not for the goal of being better then someone else, although as a depressed person myself i sometimes have trouble feeling acomplished even if i were the best
3. There also really isn't a "best" when it comes to some arts, like certain painters are actually more interesting because of their flaws for instance, Beatles songs are actually made better by various songs [laughter, missed lines.]
4. If you combine whatever specific interests you have and specilize in specifically only what really interests you personally, you will be specilized in a set of interests basically nobody else would copy reguardless

>>33265155 (OP)
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not reading that. I think that Nicole pic is amazing. There's bad art, good art, and great art. There is no "best" art. That's subjective bullshit. If you dedicated your life to it I have no doubt you could achieve greatness - though there's no guarantee that a person's greatness will be recognized, it usually isn't.

Keep producing your slop and keep producing it after you get good. Even if it occasionally makes you feel like shit I promise its better to be a producer than a consumer.

Someone on the earth will likely always be better than you at EVERYTHING YOU DO. It sucks, I know, but you gotta keep get over it and keep on moving. Easier said than done I know, but you still gotta do it.

>>33265155 (OP)
I won't read any threads by excuse-making retards.

>>33265504
you're can't understand why people have a need for continuity and resolution in their lives to give their efforts meaning instead of being mindless self improoving drones

>>33265953
Nah, the self-improvement is there to have mental tools to help you rely on yourself. Though, having a box full of tools you ain't gonna use is a waste.

If everybody stopped cook except for the best chef in the world, we would all starve. You don’t have to be the best in the world at anything to have a positive impact.

>>33265155 (OP)
The best artists are usually the most unhinged yet innovative people, led by passion and driven by intense emotions they channel into their work. You sound like a butthurt little bitch who has never faced true adversity. Centuries ago it wasn’t so easy to be an artist. In the modern day anyone can be an artist, you have all the tools and resources available to be a pioneer. Some people don’t have the mindset though and act like pessimistic virgins when it comes to drawing, which is the most intellectually and physically stimulating thing a person can do next to having sex or running a marathon. If you can’t be grateful for that and find enjoyment in it then I’m afraid the SSRIS have fried your brain and I guess there is no hope for you other than to be a beta bitch for the rest of your life who sucks at art.

because interesting outsider art exists and proves you just need to be idiosyncratic and not good to be entertaining and memorable for significant amounts of people

>>33265155 (OP)
Read the manhwa The Boxer

>>33265259
>self improvement as its own end is about pretending that other people better than you don't exist
But why should ranking myself against others be how I measure my own progress? Clearly your motivation in life is one of competition, rather than individual merit through effort.
If you had nobody to compare yourself to, by what measure would your own accomplishments be valued?

I don't do things or attempt to accomplish things to make myself better than other people. I do them because I'm interested in learning new things and trying to develop new skills. Because it helps me become more independent and more adaptable.
You're also overlooking that not every skill or every creative outlet is in direct competition with other people. There are interest and skill niches of limitless kinds where you can find that there's little or no competition. And the more practice you have, the more you find what niche you and your skill set might have.
But you also find that creative efforts and your interest in developing them don't persist indefinitely either. I've dropped plenty of hobbies in my lifetime.