I feel completely defeated and numb, but realistically I have 0 logical reason to feel this way.
I have a loving girlfriend who deeply cares about me, friends who support me if I needed to ask them to.
I have a decent job and a nice apartment.
I've accomplished one of my biggest long term goals of losing weight and keeping it off. I went from over 300 pounds to 215.
Despite all these things and other things in my life that should be fulfilling I feel miserable, unable to be proud of myself and I don't enjoy anything.
I feel unable to really connect with anyone. I have people who care about me, but I always feel that I don't belong, like there's something wrong with me that everyone else can pick up on, but they won't tell me.
I feel a huge wave of disgust whenever intimate and vulnerable moments between me and others.
I went to therapy for like half a year and it did absolutely nothing for me.
I just want to feel good about myself.
Fuck it I'll try almost anything at this point, just give me some decent advice please

>>33272769 (OP)
Is there something about yourself that you haven't mentioned on this post which gives you shame?
I am a drug addict, and the shame I feel over my addiction causes me to feel the way you describe - like you don't permit yourself to feel happy because you're internally punishing yourself for your own thoughts or actions.

>>33272791
Despite losing a lot of weight I still feel massive, fatter and more disgusting than ever.
Also especially recently I've been thinking a lot about my parents. I haven't talked to them for more than half a decade. When I was a kid there was physical abuse and one instance of sexual abuse from another family member.
It gets me really pissed when I think about it, like they couldn't be bothered to do the bare minimum. Then I think what if there is a reason for it and that reason is why I feel this way. Like there's something wrong with me and that's why it happened.

>>33272809
>I still feel massive, fatter and more disgusting than ever.
I could go down the
>ohh diddums you shouldn't feel that way!
route, but I assume you're here because you want real, in which case I'll say good. That shame was your presumably motivator in shedding the first 85lb, which is fuckin impressive by the way even if you're still on the big side(?), and can be channeled into further motivation to get to the weight you ultimately want. This is the evolutionary purpose of shame.
>It gets me really pissed when I think about it, like they couldn't be bothered to do the bare minimum. Then I think what if there is a reason for it and that reason is why I feel this way. Like there's something wrong with me and that's why it happened.
Addressing this in good faith is really outside of my remit as a marginally educated cunt off the internet, but it does sound as though this kind of unresolved trauma could affect your self-image in the way you've described.
I'm sorry that I can't offer any more useful advice than reassurance that it doesn't sound like a medical issue so much as a situational one. Whether the situation can ever be resolved satisfactorily depends on the specifics, but anhedonia is generally a response to a stressor, not the symptom of a generalised disorder.
Let's say you reach out to your parents and they are unreceptive - what then? Do you feel vindicated in your lack of contact or do you feel further guilt at having caused this to happen? Do you have space in your psyche for the possibility that bad things happening to you are not necessarily your fault?

>>33272826
>Do you feel vindicated in your lack of contact or do you feel further guilt at having caused this to happen?
I feel some sick satisfaction knowing they are going to rot in a nursing home with no one to visit or talk to. I also feel frustrated that I'm never gonna know what it feels like to come from a loving family and that if I fuck up immensly I don't have a net to fall into like a lot of people.
>Do you have space in your psyche for the possibility that bad things happening to you are not necessarily your fault?
Not at all. I recognize that I can't cope with bad things happening without convincing myself I cause them to happen, but I still don't know how to change that thought pattern.