I was the child of a "let's stay together for the kids" marriage. Absolute disaster.

Our household was deeply dysfunctional, and my dad was a controlling, psychologically abusive narcissist who ruined my mom's life and has told us he wishes we didn't exist multiple times. Despite everything, I still love him. I wish he could get better. In recent years, he's been doing better and we've been pretending to be a happy family.

The other day his resentment towards her reached a boiling point and he threatened to kill her. Their relationship is officially over and my dad is not taking it well at all. Looks like he's going to cut all of us off. My mom also thinks she's somehow being cruel towards him by protecting her sanity and finally leaving.

I don't even know what to think man. I wish this happened when i was a kid or a teen. Not now. I'm a year away from getting my bachelors and this has my brain feeling waterlogged

Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice for me? How can I protect my sanity while inevitably having to manage the colossal fallout from this?

>>33272851 (OP)
>Has anyone else been in this situation?
Yes, I would estimate 40% of people reading this post, myself included
>How can I protect my sanity while inevitably having to manage the colossal fallout from this?
By understanding that this breakdown is that of the relationship between two people, neither of whom are you. It would be hubris to assume you even played a significant role.
Not to say your feelings are unwarranted, but indulging them has zero purpose in this case besides digging yourself further into self-pity.
Your parents marriage is fucked. This means upheaval in their living situations as they learn how to support themselves. Your concern at this point as an adult child should be assisting them in this process.

>>33272859
>It would be hubris to assume you even played a significant role
i needed to hear that. thank you
>Your concern at this point as an adult child should be assisting them in this process
You're right. I think this is affecting me more than it should because - frankly - my parents are both mentally unstable and suicidal. I'm likely going to have to move in with my mom so she doesn't lose her mind; there's no way she cannot live alone. My dad can, but if he knows that his relationships with his children are dead, he will probably kill himself too.

I'm gonna take your advice and try to restructure the way I'm thinking about this. Thanks. I had little to do with this and I need to stop blaming myself for it

fpbp

>>33272859
>It would be hubris to assume you even played a significant role
i needed to hear that. thank you
>Your concern at this point as an adult child should be assisting them in this process
You're right. I think this is affecting me more than it should because - frankly - my parents are both mentally unstable and suicidal. I'm likely going to have to move in with my mom so she doesn't lose her mind; there's no way she can live alone. My dad can, but if he knows that his relationships with his children are dead, he will probably kill himself too.

I'm gonna take your advice and try to restructure the way I'm thinking about this. Thanks. I had little to do with this outcome and I need to stop blaming myself for it

fpbp

>>33272881
>my parents are both mentally unstable and suicidal
You need to maturely assess the degree to which this is true, and if there is actually a considerable chance of suicide or major self harm, alert the authorities.
I have friends that have threatened to kill themselves dozens of times at this point.
What it means in their case is:
>I am too proud/ashamed/emotionally unaware to dryly outline the factors in my life which are causing me to feel this way, so I'm going to do something super-performative that gets the point across but doesn't require me to enumerate or address the issues.
In my experience, the truly suicidal don't give anyone the impression they are, they just do it one day.
I suppose the important thing to keep in mind is that your responsibility regardless of the outcome is limited. I would say that all that is expected of a kid in your situation, assuming your father's behaviour has not alienated you from him, is to be available to both parents in an emotional/communication sense, and to set boundaries with regard to the nature of that communication.
Make it clear you don't want to listen to bitching about the other party, you want to talk about how their life is actually probably going to be less shit now that they aren't forced to live and pretend to be in a relationship with someone that they can't stand.

>>33272851 (OP)
I won't read wall of text, glutton-for-punishment codependency threads. Get to the point next time. Actuallu, no, just picrel, but you're too much of a subhuman retard to ever dream of that.

>>33272926
>In my experience, the truly suicidal don't give anyone the impression they are, they just do it one day
nta but i wish this were true. lost my best friend to suicide and he made it pretty clear that he was suicidal. lost him despite our best efforts

>>33272851 (OP)
Detach emotionally. Start viewing it from an objective POV. (You) are the reason they did it, and it's time you tell them that it's okay, they can break up. Look out for your mother and leave your father alone.

Be the provider your mother needs. She can find a lover, but try be her bedrock. And be there for your father if he needs, but as a leader, he can (and probably is) making his own choices.

>>33274144
Your mom invested in you decades of her life and emotional well being, don't forget that btw

your life is shit now, enjoy

>>33274144
Yeah this is already my plan pretty much. Especially this:
>Look out for your mother and leave your father alone
>Be the provider your mother needs
>And be there for your father if he needs, but as a leader, he can (and probably is) making his own choices
My mom is definitely, obviously the priority here - I don't really plan on talking to my dad beyond what's required to make him think I don't hate him (because if he gets the feeling that our relationship is dead, he will 100% kill or harm himself).

Things were a bit fresh when I wrote the OP. Yes, I love him - he's my dad, after all. I'd like to see an ideal world where he wasn't a mentally unstable narc with serious anger issues. But I don't believe in him whatsoever. I don't think he can change, and I don't think he wants to change. I'm not going to put any effort into our relationship beyond trying to prevent his suicide. As for my mom, I'm going to do my best to help her transition into a life without him (i.e. one that's significantly better for her). She's never stood up for herself before. It's completely foreign to her, and she's been extremely uncomfortable throughout this entire ordeal simply because it's crossed the point where she can just forget things happen and move on

>>33274149
absolutely.

>>33273883
Honored to get an IWR reply for the first time. Thanks for reading my post!

>>33272926
>Make it clear you don't want to listen to bitching about the other party, you want to talk about how their life is actually probably going to be less shit now that they aren't forced to live and pretend to be in a relationship with someone that they can't stand.
thanks again for the advice man. I'll keep this in mind. I've made this clear to my mom, but my dad absolutely needs to hear it too.
Also, I hope you're right about the suicide thing, but I definitely do foresee a 911 call in regards to my dad this year. He's physically self harmed in front of us before.