>20
>living in small town, haven't moved away from parents, basically a shut-in
>out of shape, i go to college and i travel to the big city a lot but i hate it and my grades are mid and i don't know what i'm even gonna do with it after i graduate, if i do
>wanting to die because there's nothing to do in my small city and it doesn't look like i'm gonna be able to move out soon
>no friends
>no relationship
>nothing to do besides live with my boomer parents and older siblings and that's about it
>super depressed, i tried killing myself at 17 and spent a while in a psych ward
>non-existent confidence or self-esteem
>just an utterly pathetic excuse for a human being
>kinda ugly af
>family hates me and i know i'm a nuisance to them
what reason is there for me to even live
life is just pain, boredom and suffering, especially during summer
nobody wants me here, i don't want myself here even, the only things i live for are jerking off to porn, playing games, watching anime and listening to shitty emo music
and even then, i don't have the motivation to even do that anymore
there's literally nothing to do here in this small town anyways, in the middle of nowhere in eastern europe
i'm surprised i even made it to 20, i thought i would be dead by now...but i'm not.

what the fuck do i even do? i'm useless as all hell, too, i go to college but i'm not employed or networking or anything. i think i might be autistic or adhd but i haven't gotten diagnosed for it. i used to be on depression meds before but i quit cold turkey like a year ago bcs i told myself i'm "not a pussy" and that i don't need that
legitimately just thinking of ending it, i was born nowhere, to nobody parents, i accomplished nothing and i'll probably never amount to anything, my parents despise me for existing and they say i have every right to be happy so why am i so depressed and gloomy and "ungrateful" but i don't even have basic control over my life

i just want to kill myself badly, nothing is worth it

>>33273273 (OP)
Romania?

You're letting dread get to you. The way you fix dread is to try to think forwardly. If dread is consuming you and you're impulsive with sharp objects, you may need anti-depressants again. You need to love yourself OP. A doctor who does not want you to hurt yourself is definitely not like a creepy doctor from American Horror Story okay? Wish the best.

>>33273285
very rural in an ex-yu country is all i will say
>>33273292
i feel uncomfortable around knives and sharp objects but i've never self-harmed, i mostly did a bunch of drugs and medication, trying to poison and overdose myself to death

it didn't work and i had the most disgusting puke of my life the next day and i felt like my body was going to disintegrate, then the ambulance came and by the evening, i was already on my way to a bigger hospital, then in the coming days, a psych ward

i feel like that's all my life is good for, just being in a psych ward
i hate my parents too, i just feel locked up in my house and i wish i lived in big cities and not in a small shithole

>>33273292
>you may need anti-depressants
absolutely atrocious way of thinking

>>33273273 (OP)
Look I'll be real with you; the possibilities in your life are endless. Right now you "have nothing" as you say. But all the things you want are right outside your room. Getting a girlfriend, moving, finding hobbies and a career you love, these are all fairly mundane, average things. Most people have these things and it is because they went looking for them. They didn't fall into their lap while sitting in their room jacking off. That's not meant to be an insult, just reality.

If you hate your small town, move. Shitloads of successful people started in nowheresville. If you want a girlfriend, ask some girls out. Do it respectfully and learn how to take no for an answer with grace.

By the way, confidence to accomplish these things comes from trying, then failing, then learning from the experience and finally rejoicing when you do succeed. Women are people too, they have their preferences just like you. Don't take rejection as you not being good enough because it isn't. It's simply that you don't fit what they want, just like there are women out there who don't fit what you want.

>i used to be on depression meds before but i quit cold turkey like a year ago bcs i told myself i'm "not a pussy" and that i don't need that

This is a complete contradiction to what you're describing the rest of your issues as. It's a tangible thing that you had the willpower to quit that you understand isn't a necessity for you, yet you still jerk off to porn and watch slop and play slop, despite the fact that antidepressants are specifically designed to fuck with your brain chemistry and would be a lot harder to quit than your habits. I'm assuming this is because porn and vidya are more accessable to you, so the first step is simply putting your computer out of your sight and updating the thread on what you do / where your mind wanders, or how long it takes before you go get it

>>33273338
i just jerk off to porn bcs it's free dopamine and there's nothing else to do

i am very bored
if i don't do slop activities, i just rot and lay in my bed, thinking about my past fuckups and where my life went wrong

>>33273353
i quit SSRIs bcs i felt dead, no joy, no sadness, nothing really, just zombie shit
so one day i mustered up energy to just say fuck it and i quit

>>33273353
>and there's nothing else to do
incorrect and you know it
>if i don't do slop activities, i just rot and lay in my bed
this is what you chose
>thinking about my past fuckups
elaborate

>>33273388
>incorrect and you know it
i know but i've got no motivation or discipline to actually learn things (i wanted to learn guitar before but i gave up after like a few days because i suck lol)
>this is what you chose
oh well, c'est la vie
>elaborate
being bullied and beaten in school and not fighting back and beating back like i should have
girls bullying me mentally in high school
being fat
almost failing high school three times and i barely got into college as well whereas my older brother and sister have master's degrees and both work and shit (sister has a particurarly nice job)
never really went out, friends made fun of me for the entirety of high school too, basically
never learned how to fit in or any social skills
can't drink and have fun
didn't go take a driver's test so i don't drive either

just being useless overall and my parents bullying me for it too
my mom beating me when i was useless and all the times i got pissed at her and we screamed at each other and still do
etc etc.

>>33273273 (OP)
Don't worry anon, try finding a job after graduation so you can support your parents, your family probably would change their mind. Find something enjoyable, a little hobby that could bring you outside and bring you some joy. And don't be scared of peapole, try talking to them, find friends, and maybe even a girlfriend. But please never think about yourself that you are ugly, you can easily change that, workout.
I really don't know how to help you, but i hope that your life would improve.

>>33273415
>oh well, c'est la vie
k have fun being miserable, an hero before you diddle a kid in the future assuming you care about other people because you don't care about yourself, you don't have the tools to make other people's lives better otherwise

all fields

>>33273436
i don't care about myself bcs i'm fucking depressed you retard
i don't know how to care for myself or for other people

it's all so difficult
i didn't figure it out when i had to so now i'm just kinda fucked, i'm in a perpetual state of arrested development

>>33273454
unempathetic ppl never really get it, do they, even if i start things, i just give up bcs everyone else is already so, so far ahead

>>33273465
>m-muh unempathetic
this shows why you act and feel the way you do. if you have the capacity to understand your harmful behaviors / patterns and try to paint yourself as a victim it just makes you an unlikeable whiny crybaby faggot. learning how to get out of bed and walk is not difficult assuming you don't know what you want.

>>33273474
all of it just sucks man, i really hate my existence and how i have no one and nothing to do in this life, really, that's what i'm saying

even if i do improve many of these things about me, some of which i'm trying to work on, it's just tilting at windmills, you know? like, i was given bad cards by being born in the middle of nowhere
i know i shouldn't let myself resign to the whims of fate but it really just feels like i was given a big fat "fuck you" by life in so many ways

>>33273510
retard. everybody in the world is given a "fuck you", subconsiously what everybody knows is that you persist by having kids and bettering yourself so that your kids can have better and healthier genes and so that you can be a better parent, people are biologically hardwired to understand how gene pools and "survival of the fittest" works, doesn't matter how much of an ugly retarded faggot you are, you can outbreed that given enough effort and time through generations, not within YOUR specific lifetime, but if you're thinking about the ideal person you'd want to be, it's obtainable through your future lineage depending on what it is and how your expectations are set up, problem is that you're not being specific enough and expecting people to fall for your "woe is me" bullshit on an *advice* board.

>>33273273 (OP)
>>33273326
this anon is right op, if you just sit in your room all day you are gonna be miserable because your life is what you make it. having no gf, no job in a sucky town is miserable but if you want to change it YOU have to change it. maybe its not fair but thats the way it is. think of it as a good thing. you have the power to change your destiny. just like you have the power to end your life, you also have the power to make it good

>>33273550
idgaf about any of that stuff, well if you want me to be more specific

how do i face failure? when i fail at something, i just see it as catastrophic and as an innate failing in me that i can't fix and often times, it's just lead me to...stop even trying and that's how i ended up at 20 with no skills

so how do i fix that? and how do i get discipline and structure for my life?

>>33273626
>idgaf about any of that stuff
there's your issue. and you wonder why you see yourself as a lost cause. you essentially just answered your own question. adjust to it or die and stop bothering other people

>>33273639
i'm saying i don't see a point in reproducing if i suck so much right now, dude

>>33273794
>didn't read the post
at this point just kill yourself

>>33273805
tired of this crap
imma go for a night walk, fuck this

>>33273326
are all of these really just mundane, average things