It feels like despite all therapy I keep going around these topics and can't make any progress
>Untraced future. Can't feel passion for anything despite having wide interests
>Social Incompatibility. Can't feel drawn to people.
>Self-Judging. Lack of progress despite time passing and getting older

I feel like some biological reward system inside me is broken. I genuinely don't know what measures to take anymore. These 3 issues loop around themselves in positive feedback. I can pinpoint the social causes that made me like this, but I'm at loss and can't move in a resolutive direction.

CBT will tell me it's all about spinning an adaptive thought. The problem is I feel whatever CBT tells me is bullshit because it doesn't make me feel the conclusion is genuine.

Here's an attempt to look at it positively
>My physical needs except spiritual will be fulfilled from having any job whatsoever. My true calling will be found... someday, it's all about keeping trying things
>The people who genuinely like you and seek you, and the people you truly admire exist, you just haven't found them yet, you will find them... someday, it's all about meeting new people
>You become older, and there is no hint of when you will find the things and people that spark you, but it's enough that you show up and try, you will find happiness... someday.

It all feels like i'm being led on a death march. I lose hope and they all start weighing down upon each other.

>>33275387 (OP)
I want a girlfriend but I can't even say what I want in one other than long black hair, big tits and a good looking ass. For some reason I am absolutely thirsty for the kind of woman everyone hits on.

I THINK that kind of woman wants a guy who takes it easy. I can't take it easy, I feel alert and anxious all the time. I graduated from Medicine, so I look at all faults in everything, because back then one fault would lead to handicap or death. I can't take jokes because christian upbringing told me people getting offended was wrong. I can't fucking get rid of the way medicine and shitty christian cultists made me. I have never felt these were me, but now I don't know what being me is like. Do I like sex? Do I like one night stands? I don't like STDs or the possibility of throat cancer from HPV. I don't want to be a manwhore and get my dick wet from a girl i find ugly, that's sinlike and gives me the same guilt. I can't have fun like that, I can't drink alcohol, I've never wanted to, I don't want to feel ostracized from not doing so.

Everything that has left a scar on me now manifests itself as a ghost holding me down. I cannot dispel those ghosts. They're always there judging. They have become part of my system of values. They make me feel guilty.

>>33275387 (OP)
I am in the same boat OP. I'm convinced I'm on the spectrum or have some kind of chemical problem that makes it hard to function. Nothing I do feels that rewarding, just like "okay cool, it's over with." The only motivation I have is stress and consequences. If someone asks me what I see next year I can't even picture it.

There has to be some way out. At times I feel so out of place because everyone else seems to be doing just fine, at least what I can see. I know that's not true, but it feels like it is. There has to be more to life than this.

>>33275387 (OP)
Stop ruminating and dwelling on your feelings and have a long-term plan. It's like riding a bicycle: momentum carries you along, and you enjoy the scenery and "milestones" along the way.

>>33275704
How do I stop ruminating? Every behavior comes down to a bad experience in the past. I am a house built with bad materials, everything is shaky now.