>18 y/o month before grad I have 2 big seizures and miss most of the last month of school
>did fine in school ~3.4/5 gpa but didn’t really care (also super easy cause district is full of spoiled retards)
>always knew I didn’t want to go to college
>wanted to go into the military just as an armorer or gunsmith, get rejected even though on the Army website there’s a whole article about a guy with the same condition as me and the same position who got to stay in only because his developed after joining
>looked into lineman, can’t because they want CDL
>Looked at boats, can’t get MMC
>Apply for apprenticeship at large company
>Try going to school for a few semesters, did fine, hated it as expected
>during all this I bounce between different jobs because I’m retarded and forget how shit the job market is so quit when I hate the work then can’t find anything
>constantly been moved by mom all life, still living at home and she still moves us basically every year cause she hates the apartment or after finally affording a house hates the drive after I told her to get a closer job and sells the house
>or quit because boss gives me shit about taking the bus since I can’t drive after having a seizure
>The apprenticeship application is extremely slow and after a year I finally get an interview where the guy really likes me but says he’s not in the department who’s hiring so can’t make the call
>week later after 2 years of no seizures I have one completely randomly cause I didn’t get enough sleep or was late on my meds or something.
>was working as a sub para and janitor (which I hate doing, but finally learned my lesson about the job market) and had to stop working for a while
>2 weeks later the morning of my colonoscopy I’m having about 30 years early, haven’t eaten in 2 days have to get up at 5:30 to drink this disgusting laxative
>check my email
>we regret to inform you
>I hardly even react
1/

>I’ve banked so much on this I feel like I should’ve thrown screamed or threw my phone or cried
>just said fuck in my mind and went to get drink my shitty laxative so they can shove a hose up my ass and down my throat in 6 hours

I talked to my neuro about changing meds cause I thought maybe it was causing me to be depressed but he said it doesn’t cause mood problems. I don’t really believe him but my life has been so shit since then that I have no idea if it’s the meds or not. I don’t think I’m depressed, I enjoy shooting and I laugh hanging out with my friends or whatever. But honestly if I was older and didn’t still have things I wanted to do I’d probably just kill myself. I hate being a leech off my mother but I seem to hate working, I can’t find any kind of career. I’ve always been a jack of all trades so I have no idea what I would accel at in a career. I can’t confide in her because she’ll start crying and feeling guilty about fucking up my upbringing (divorces, lots of moves, quite poor until recently). I don’t really feel like a therapist will help I just feel like I need to get a solid 9-5 I don’t hate so that I afford to shoot again and gives me an excuse to socialize with coworkers, but this job market is so bad and I just don’t even know what to look for. It’s been 2 years and I’m pretty much at the same place in life I was when I graduated. Meds? Therapy? Rope?

>>33276991 (OP)
I won't read your wall of text autobiography and meandering stream of thoughts. Get to the point next time.