I'm a loner, constantly feel like shit, but talking to people helps
Every time i try to talk to people i either drop spaghetti or get too anxious to start or continue a conversation, then i continue to feel like shit
Repeat

I'm thinking of killing myself i can't take this shit anymore

>>33284072 (OP)
>Every time i try to talk to people i either drop spaghetti or get too anxious to start or continue a conversation, then i continue to feel like shit
Repeat
If you went out of your way to try and face failure it's a net positive for you. Failure is important (not good, since it feels bad, duh), it's a clear signal that there's room for improvement. You said it: "I'm a loner", on a physiological level, there's an overwhelming amount of neural connections in your brain dedicated to social interactions that atrophied due to lack of stimuli. But you can through repeated exposure strengthen those connections again, even if you spill your spaghetti many times along the way.

>>33284178
Also, you need to cultivate the ability to healthily introspect about your shortcomings. A kinder, more gentle voice needs to have a place in your mind. Instead of going like
>I tried. I failed. It hurts. I want to die.
>I tried. I failed. Wait,was it really a failure? Did I put to much expectations on this otherwise mundane interaction? What could I have done better? Maybe I should ask the other person if I made her uncomfortable
Those are examples

>>33284178
>>33284196
I'm a ESL and I'm currently too lazy to proofread my posts. Hope I made myself clear enough

>>33284204
yeah i got it bro don't worry (thank you btw)

>>33284072 (OP)
Have you tried going to a therapist?
I was in a similar situation and seeking therapy really helped so far.
Especially because
>but talking to people helps
is a really good starting of point
>Every time i try to talk to people i either drop spaghetti or get too anxious to start or continue a conversation, then i continue to feel like shit
Because a good therapist will make sure to slowly ease you out of feeling this way when talking to them. It's a slow process but it helps

>>33284072 (OP)
the three things that keep you stuck
>negative self talk
notice every time you say something negative about yourself to yourself
this is literally counter-productive and it's best to just notice it at first
over time you will notice all the times you speak badly about yourself, insult yourself, this is the extremely harmful and overtime you will replace with positive things about yourself.
reward your effort, be grateful
>seek friendship
this one is hard, but having close friends or people in general who are close to you is key
>have a purpose
what are you truly passionate about?
pursue your passions, get good at your passions
because negative loops and lonerism could be a result of lack of confidence, well if you were to find something you really like and get extremely into it. over time, if you don't quit you will be very good at that one thing and tons of confidence comes from that

also
if you are young 18-25 or so, it makes sense to feel lost or unskilled, you are literally just starting your life. this is the time where you figure out what you truly like , and pursue it with no apologies

>>33284641
I dunno, i tried once and didn't like it, the therapist was godawful and it was too pricey for me, i might try later if nothing else works
>>33284943
Some solid advice, thank you anon

>>33284196
how do you handle hostility from people while trying to be more active in society?
>go out to events and volunteering in social work to try to participate in society
>some asshole who ive never seen gets indirectly hostile by saying "this anon doesnt talk. fuck this anon" behind my back?
im a bit of a hothead and was very close to getting into a confrontation but it was a funeral so i decided against it
Fucking damned if you do try to socialize damned if you dont . it seems no good deed goes unpunished by this cruel nigger universe im so mad

>>33287047
Ah that's a shame. Luckily it's affordable here and i got a really nice therapist.
Though I also wasn't to keen on mine it first. The patient-therapist relationship is like any other, built on mutual trust and needs time to develop and be built up.
I remember outright rejecting some of the things she told at the beginning because I was so dead set and stuck in my own mindset. But I've since come around and am very glad for her advice and patience

>>33284072 (OP)
That's all, anon? Dropping the spaghetti doesn't mean you have to go away. Just own being a weirdo.