If you've seriously considered killing yourself for around 10 years isn't it safe to say it's not just a phase or being an edgy pussy? I have moments where it gets better but besides the feeling I almost can't logically justify living anymore either.

All I have are distractions. I would have said family keeps me here but it's not even out of real love, it seems more like fear of change that they would hate if I die. It seems like they only ever pretend to care because of some weird obligation and guilt for fucking up. I'm left to suffer for months and years while being expected to show superficial care and interest to them and strangers. They would probably care more if an animal they just met died.

I personally think I haven't killed myself because I feel like I'll miss out on new ways to pretend life is better and I fear the possible consequences for trying to end the pain early. The biggest highlights of my life have been while alone pretending life is much better. But they're not even letting me pretend anymore. Life won't me sleep. Life won't let me relax. Life won't let me work or do simple exercise to maintain my body. Life won't let me have relationships that mean anything. Now it wants to threaten me with war horrors. Why even exist? I've thought of it before but I really wish I was either killed as a child or my parents were sterilized because kids didn't bring them anything good either. They couldn't even take care of themselves.

Go see a therapist or psych and get on Jewish medication.

>>33288895
The last time I saw a therapist was as a kid over molestation. It was really pointless and awkward looking back at it

>>33288902
Who touched you? Let's explore this part about your life.

>>33288887 (OP)
You're depressed, retard. Go see a psychiatrist. You don't have to stay on medication, but it is worth it, not all medication is SSRIs nowadays, and you might be able to get on some psilocybin, which, no joke, definitely helped me, but you need to be monitored by an actual doctor. I had the same shit, anon. I thought it was normal to plan out my suicide, and I would stick a rifle in my mouth every weekend while my wife was away partying with her friends. The only reason I didn't do it is because I didn't want her to find me, so I used to plan my suicide to look like an accident so she wouldn't think I abandoned her. Do not kill yourself. Pimps don't commit suicide.

>>33288887 (OP)
>Life won't me sleep. Life won't let me relax. Life won't let me work or do simple exercise to maintain my body. Life won't let me have relationships that mean anything.
How is life stopping you from doing this? You should at least be able to exercise

>>33288887 (OP)
I won't read what a miserable, self-absorbed, embittered arsehole threads.

>>33288887 (OP)
If you met someone who spent ten years 'seriously considering' buying a new car or changing jobs or anything else, it would be obvious to you that he was never going to do it.

>>33288908
Life touched me
>>33288911
I know I'm depressed and I know exactly why I am. I'm not taking meds or seeing a therapist for more fake shit.
>>33289024
I'm stuck sleeping in a loud place with bugs I can and can't see constantly crawling on me. Because of the weather and the people I live with I can't start the treatment for the bugs that I know would work. I have all these things I have to research or save all at once by a certain point and I doubt I'll be able to retain or keep all the info for when I need it. I don't even have the motivation to do it, I barely have the motivation to do things I used to enjoy which would be much easier to do, but it's like I have a gun to my head. That and random drama or health problems coming up make it really hard to relax. Speaking of health problems I tried exercising and shortly after I hurt my back so now I can't. I was only doing 1-3 sets of 16 push ups and 30 bodyweight squats usually spread out through the day.
>>33289136
But you sure did comment innit

>>33289237
Well doing basically anything else would be much easier than killing yourself especially things that don't matter like what you mentioned. I'd think that would be obvious to anyone but I guess not.

Going to sleep so I won't be responding more any time soon