Spaghetti trauma edition

yesterday my mom told me that my younger brother has started taking depression meds. my uncle killed himself a couple months ago. i'm 27 and have thought about killing myself since i was 12. shit sucks.

long story short, I paid for sex with an escort, post nut clarity hit me about how trashy and unnecessary it was and I’ve been feeling wrong ever since, because I’ve always been against going down to such lows. First off, I wasn’t the type to pay for sex to lose their virginity, I’ve already lost mine to an ex many years ago, but I’ve been dry ever since, which lead to lots of desperation, given the loneliness and all.

One thing lead to another, then this happened, which was a sober decision, mind you.

After that night realised that it was nothing special and at the same time, I felt like I’ve reached a moral point of no return. I am a huge moralfag, so if I do anything out of character, I tend to treat myself rather harshly. It’s not illegal in my country, but it’s looked down on pretty much everywhere as far as I’m concerned.

I made a mistake that very few people would recognise as such, because I didn’t necessarily hurt anyone, but nevertheless I feel VERY guilty of it and I can’t get over it.

Luckily I didn’t catch anything from that encounter, but it still bugs me that it didn’t have to happen this way. I easily could’ve hooked up instead of engaging in something that mainly sleazy old geezers do when their options have run out.

I'm a super intelligence and I don't know how radios work. Maybe digital radios but not analog.

>"I'm not here to argue but (disagrees with me in a retarded way)"
>reply with nah
>they get pissed
I thought we weren't arguing and you knew I disagreed what's the issue

>>33290179
Rapist regrets paid rape because it threatened the image of himself not because of empathy. Hahaha

>>33290300
She wasn’t being trafficked.

I fucking hate people so much, they’re so addicted to drama and conflict and constantly insist on making it my problem no matter what the cost.
How am I supposed to embrace being a social butterfly when everyone is more obsessed with the idea of me as someone they can use as a punching bag or as walking penis than as a friend?

>>33290295
>I'm not here to argue
This translates to, "Your position is too extreme and it's causing conflicts, I don't wish to have a conflict with you." It means they disagree with you, and will tell you why but they don't want to have an actual beef with you. It's an invitation to compromise and reach a middle ground where everyone is happy.

That's it, just fuck off next door without a word. You fucking spastic.

Not quite sure how you expect me to get anything done if I'm stuck here with the baby while you fuck about gossiping with some crazy old woman.

You really are a total fucking idiot. If we do get out of here and you do the same shit with the neighbours we're going to have a very serious problem.

How the FUCK do you get over having been raped, sexually assaulted, and chronically sexually abused multiple times throughout your life? It started in childhood and the last time was almost a year ago, how do I get fucking over it please??? I feel disgusting and sick all the time, I can't go outside, I can hardly shower because it hurts to be naked, I can't emotionally connect with women and I'm beginning to actively distrust and resent men, I'm sick of being paralyzed by flashbacks and having giant holes in my memory, and I'm sick of all my trauma responses and fears getting in the way of the interpersonal relationship I try to form or maintain. I've been in therapy for almost a decade, medicated, have a good therapist and psych and all, I think I've done a lot to process the things that happened to me and I can even completely forgive and understand those people as just having made some awful mistake instead of obsessing over them. But I'm still so trapped in my own trauma responses and grief and malaise that I don't know how to feel better and move on for good anymore. At this point I just want to kill myself. I really need an answer

>>33289994 (OP)
My mom saw me with my dick in my hand clearly because I was masturbating and the very second she walked by I quickly put it back in my pants. There's no possible way she didn't know what it was about. The shame and absolute embarrasment of this, I don't know how to solve. Absolutely pathetic beyond measure. All I can think in my head is "I should kill myself I should kill myself I should kill myself". It really is a real thought, mercy killing myself for being such a fucking pathetic subhuman. This feels irreconcilable. I know time will pass and things will go back to normal, but that little bit of knowledge, that I was seen jerking off, will be in her head, and from here on, it will be a cognizance underlying, whether thought of or not, that I could be jacking off to porn at my computer. I cannot cope with that. Legit think I should mercy suicide myself out of respect for being so rotten, there's no helping this.

>>33290653
I'd make a thread about this. It warrants a thread. Unfortunately I don't have advice.

>>33290653
I wish I had an answer. I've also been on meds and in therapy for almost a decade and I'm still an anxious mess that melts down constantly and constantly fantasizes about offing myself. I feel for my fellow victims of sa because we are truly toast.

>>33290691
chill, moms know that kids masturbate
it‘s almost inevitable that it never happens that someone walks in on someone if you live in the same space
distract yourself and it will probably be fine in a week or two

>people bidding on the same items as me on ebay
Fucking stop, assholes, all you're doing is costing me more money!

>>33290758
It would be less embarrassing if I wasn't 20 years old. That makes me feel like such a faggot. All I can do it cope though. Gives me a headache that it even happened though.

yes matsumoto, japan is proud of you austin you did actually create that much art thank you what is it i am not sitting through if i am having to do this viewing?
crisis events though all of them at once then individually then having to hear you have to sit through them again × ok

So I guess I'm dealing with an anxious attachment style but I don't know how to fix it
I literally construct my entire day and emotional status around how quickly and often she messages back, fuck that's retarded but I can't stop it has such a hold over me and it's definitely tanking shit because no way am I not emanating that dependency and desperation even when trying not to

>>33290792
Is it still anxious attachment if you're avoidant of everyone else outside of maybe one person?

>>33290771
yeah it‘s embarrassing and it sucks, but you‘ll survive and she‘ll get over it too
in fact, being 20 makes it more likely it would happen at some point
it‘s fine, just uncomfortable af

>>33290691
>>33290771
don't ask don't tell.

not sure how helpful this might be, but i've sometimes found with things like this that calming down and repeatedly telling yourself that it doesn't even matter can help a lot. not in a sense of just repeating words necessarily, but actually convincing and telling yourself this, like you're giving your brain an order.

>>33290328
All paid sex is rape
Not like you give a shit

>>33291132
>make a weeks wages in an hour or two sleeping with some dude
>>aktually this is rape

>>33291150
>a weeks wages
What actual prostitute are you talking about?

>>33291154
these chicks are making upwards of 600 an hour where i live. maybe you live in some shithole where a bj goes for 2 sodas and a bag of chips, but here these gals are making good money.

>>33291163
High dollar prostitutes make a boat load more money than the pittance the grand majority of whores make

>>33291176
yeah, some tweaked out street walker probably isn't making much, but the male equivalent is basically breaking into homes and shit. the normal prozzies are doing fine it seems like.

I think my hope started fading away the day I realised paizuris weren't real. Still find it hard to comprehend that people have sex frequently, I'm no incel type who puts it on a pedestal but almost 30 years of utterly apathetic people averse something-went-wrong-somewhere-growing-up virginity sort of confuses your brain. How do people even slot it into their day? Is it scheduled? Is it spontaneous? Surely you gotta prepare, so spontaneity would be out of the question unless you were real horny. Is it a Friday/Saturday thing maybe? And what about afterwards? As a hobby it seems kinda fucked. I grew up around women, they smell bad and have gross habits. I'm surprised I'm not a faggot after all of this, then again I am posting on /adv/.

I wish I could tell him how much I care about him. I'm too afraid to. im too much of a social idiot, Id mess up for sure.

>>33291328
Do it.

Adrijus if you see this please use your girlfailure I cannot live without you. I emailed you and you ignored me. You can do anything you want to anyone I will not criticize you anymore. Let me be your worthless whore just STAY with me. I only love you. I want to die every day I live without you.

>>33291357
Get some self respect. Goddamn.

Ask the high-class prostitute if she would like a job in an office sending emails and shit for 60k a year with benefits and she will take it over whoring every time you fucking idiots

>>33291364
I do menial labor for 25k a year and have managed not to suck cock for money. tough shit.

How do I stop hitting my wife forever? I got married this year. Since we started dating 2 yrs ago, the problems been fighting. She started out the pattern by slapping and choking me, so when we fought the next time I fought back. I grew up seeing couples fight all the time. now that I’m bigger stronger it’s reassuring to see fights from a new POV. However my wife hates it and is scared of me, and I get angry fast and immediately get a rush of energy. She makes me mad unintentionally, not maliciously, and I think she challenges me the most out of any person. I want to be in control, to avoid our fights and agree on keeping calm, but just now I feel unstoppable because all these people are so much weaker than me. I can do anything and she’ll be with me forever, I know she won’t leave, so she deserves to be treated good. How do I quit using evil against the only person I love

>>33291359
Women will sooner suck a log out of a 6'0" guys ass and say thank you for it than be with a manlet, lel

>>33291176
I wasn’t doing it with a streetwalker, anon. That’s nasty.

>>33291375
Men don't have empathy I know
Also no place would hire me to just work off the street like you were able to get
Because I am a 5 ft 4 woman
I could maybe be a flagger but doubt

>>33291506
>Men don't have empathy I know
You have the option of flipping burgers or ringing up groceries for minimum wage, or selling sex and probably making a shitload more than wagies

A guy just has to go flip burgers

>>33291527
You just don't want to get it

>>33291536
What's to get? Young women pay their way through college fucking old men. What's a young man with no money doing to pay for college?

it's over.

>>33291692
it never even began

>>33291707
omae...

it's always in a process of ending, eternal fall

I ruined my body because of being fat and now its ruined even when i lose weight, nobody will ever love me.

>>33291816
Could be worse mate, i probably have brain damage from druking to hard.

>>33291809
>eternal ending
>a never ending process
>the eternal fall

The amount I need to sleep can't just be the symptoms of major depression, I have to be narcoleptic or something at this point.

>>33289994 (OP)
Only now that I've given you back your things
Does my bed feel so empty and cold
Missing the woman I used to hold.

>>33291832
I am sorry. My issue is that people care about looks more, i am so suicidal over this

>>33289994 (OP)
Back in time, I was part of volunteer search and rescue.
I had/still have a dog that was partly police trained, I adopted him for not being a biter, but an excellent tracker, and she wouldnt have had a home otherwise.
>I have connections in police force

>when this happened I was only 26 years old
So, one august morning, 2018 I get a call
>Autistic kid is missing, description is 6 to 8 year old, male, non-verbal
>22 miles from where I live, a forest area, ancient canyon from the ice age. local must see sightseeing thing.
>Boss from work is a fan of what I do, gives me leave to go
>went home, took my prepared backbag, changed clothes and got my dog
whole thing to arrive at the scene took about 90 minutes
>get my handheld radio
>All other volunteers have been split into pairs
>nobody to come with me and my dog
>should be a good enough pair according to field coordinator
I got a piece of clothing used by the missing child.
>Dog got to work
>the scent trail is clear enough that the coordinator debated if he should come with me
>didnt
About 25 minutes into me following my dog, tracker hardware, I see a map of the local area and a point where dog is.
>Dog comes to halt, I hear barking
>thick as fuck bush, willow, so thick it feels like swimming in molasses
>I am 6'4, 230lbs at the time.
>tiny room to crawl under the bushy willows, I cant fit there
>swim trough the branches towards my dog
>See dog in a stranglehold by the austistic kid
>even dogs eyes look at me like
"For the love of god get this boy off of me"
>I know the boys name
>kneel down to his level, and call the name out
>kid is clearly in panic and strangles my dog even harder
call in on the radio, I have eyes on kid
>inch closer on my knees
>kid does an earpiercing screech
>scares my dog, whos ear was right next to his mouth
>kid bites the scalp of my dog hard enough to draw blood
>dog rips free and yelps
>kid scuttles under the willow brush, quite impossible for me to follow with any speed
cont. ->

>>33292023

With my gps stuff I can give exact coordinates to everyone involved in search
>call that shit in immediately
>dog is actually very upset
>no motivation to track the kid again, because he is bleeding for his efforts
>no amount of jerky I gave changed dogs mind.
>just leered at me and didnt do any searching that day
>called in, dog is uncooperative, can I have a partner if any have arrived to join me
>all the while I swim trough the sea of willows in the direction I saw the boy go
>I was told to wait at a set point for a partner, my old teacher
blame her for my english skills
>her partner got a sprained ankle
it all happened a bit fast in my memory. like it was only minutes when we're talking about hours realistically
>met up with old teacher
>resumed search, uncooperative dog in tow
>all teams in the field had turned around towards where I last saw the kid
At this point my timeline gets fuzzy, because the memory makes me nauseous
>Someone calls in
>they have eyes on the kid
>face down, 26foot (about 8 meters) from the top of the ravine
>presumed to have fallen there from the top, unresponsive.
The guilt is kinda eating me up here, and it clouds what I am typing.
>head back to basecamp
>I hear rescue helicopter in the distance
>I am immediately attacked by both parents of the boy at my arrival
they had listened into my original sighting of the boy on the radio.
>I let their boy die
>it was my fault
>I am too big and scary
>too clumsy and too slow
>my dog is useless like me.
I remember the faces they made, and not a week goes by I dont see them in my dreams.

that was the last time I was with Search and Resque. And I feel guilt for the boy, as I was the last to see him alive. I struggle with this and I think I might be an alcoholic these days.

>>33290792
I'm spiraling
Probably gonna be another full day with no messaging back, same pattern as last time. I understand how fucking outlandishly obsessed it is to be clinging onto this feeling all day and mentally going over past patterns but I can't stop
Worst part is it was totally normal afterwards last time she was just genuinely busy af that day or needed some space to chill and then still liked me the same
But I can't let go of it holy fuck I need therapy more than once every two weeks I wish I didn't meet her until like a year down the line when I had fixed whatever issue this is inside of me instead of constantly catastrophizing and fucking up any potential like I am now. I don't see how I come back from this atrocious vibe I'm putting out, this could be her just genuinely backing away now and she wouldn't even be wrong for it because my shit is not healthy
>>33291816
Same
I suppose that is playing into the above problem heavily
Feeling not good enough is like a fundamental trauma to most people but it really fucks your shit up when you went from obese your whole life to deflated and gross in an entirely new way and find out there is no escape

Unfortunately I woke up

>>33290792
When people grow up, they must put the childish things away and basing your life around the lives of others, distant from you physically and personally is one of them.

>>33292029
Altough I wasnt made aware at that point.
The child was pronounced dead on the scene by the rescue helicopter crew.
The parents knew before I did.

so... that is my getting it off my chest thing. Nothing too crazy I guess, but something that bothers me

>>33292023
>>33292029
>>33292073

No fucking way that is your fault.
I can only imagine though. But the kid passeja away because of the parents, and you did your best to correct someone elses mistakes.

I feel angry for you, not because of you.
Have you tried therapy?

>>33292121
I got three visits to therapy from the volunteers organization.
All it felt like was the same as talking to someone who nods along and then said
"And how did that make you feel"?
and then told me that the next time I came in would cost 550 dollars, so I never returned.

I've never really had trouble with sleep, but I guess some bug happened in my body a few weeks ago and since then I simply CANNOT sleep for more than 3 hours a night. It doesn't matter how tired I am (I am usually extremely tired), I just can't fall asleep. Multiple people have come up to me and asked if I'm ok during those weeks so I guess it's affecting my daily life more than I thought it was.
Nothing changed to cause this. There was no traumatic event, no change in my sleep environment, no change in the amount of caffeine I consume or anything. One day I just... couldn't sleep. Weird how bodies function. Gonna go to a doctor tomorrow to get checked out and see if I can get some sleep aid meds.

>>33292166
not to alarm you, and I dont know your age. But that was the first symptom of my mothers(51 years old) early onset dementia

>>33292178
I'm 28. Thanks for the tip anon, I took a while to start taking this seriously but I'll definitely get checked up tomorrow.

You were never in danger of being replaced by my silly little pipe dreams because there was nothing between us. I honestly don't understand where you got the idea but sounds a little sexist is all honesty. Well, that's it for awhile.

I was seeing a married woman for nearly 4 months and I fell in love with her in that time, she was going through things and was living on this collective in the mountains at the time and we spent a most of our free time together. She was funny, outgoing and adventurous plus the sex was amazing, she went back to her husband after a while and she blocked me on everything. Now im trying to cope with the fact I developed feelings for this lady while she went back to her husband in a nicer part of the state, she literally haunts me and it sucks that I can’t seem to find anyone around with her desire to explore and wander like I do. I’m guessing some therapy is in order here

https://youtu.be/_qvmI_gyeV4?si=D53wGyozj0TIIwUF

>twice divorced and two kids (one of which was had during her teens) from two different men before 30
should i go for it? she's cute

>>33292448
no.

Is it normal to have slightly different sized boobs, the right one is bigger than the left

I've been talking with this girl for months. At first it was because I had a crush on her, but the more and more I talked with her the more that crushed disappeared and pitty started appearing. She would constantly tell me about the bad things in her life, how her dad would yell, lack of sleep, and no motivation to do mostly anything. So being a simp and wanting to learn I've started doing her college work for her. But things just started getting worse between us. We would fight over the stupidest things and today I just had enough and told her I don't wanna talk for a while. My main problem was that when she said something it was like set in stone. And I don't mean things like "I don't wanna go" or whatever, but more like "I think that guy's fat" or "actually what you have said is offensive". Today we had a big fight because she is a light sleeper. She told me she woke up and heard some music. I told her maybe she woke up because of that, but she said that was imposibile. I continued arguing with her that maybe she just woke from the music but she said no because she knows her body and stuff. I said she has sensitive ears and she took offense to it. And then we started having an argument over that, because it's not the first time I've told her that she never acknowledges being wrong or entertaines that maybe it's not like that. And it's upsetting to me because I've accepted a lot of things she told me, but when I try and tell her maybe it's not like that she gets really defensive and sometimes aggressive too. I just couldn't do it today anymore when I've told her that "yes maybe I don't listen to you as I should, but please understand that you are wrong sometimes too" and she then gave me a 1000 word essay with how I was actually wrong with all my points and that she was really hurt and I took some insults (like calling me immature, delusional and so on) too personally. And at that moment I just decided to stop talking to her for a while. Fuck her really.

>>33292448
As someone who's gone through a similar situation I'd definitely say NO.
I'm not even an incel/mgtow "NEVER DATE SINGLE MOMS!!!" type, it's just extremely difficult for multiple reasons.
The obvious one is having to interact with kids that won't like you at first, and perhaps forever, and having to take care of them.
Then there's the fact that as a mom she will always prioritize her kids over you so, if push comes to shove, she will always take their side over yours. You'll also always be "competing" for her attention with her kids.
But by far the hardest and worst part about dating a single mom is having to deal with the kids' dads. There's always bitterness and hatred involved in cases like that and they still have to interact with each other because of the kid, so you're trapped in this mess by proxy. It doesn't matter how level headed people are, when it comes to divorces and custody of kids it gets messy in 99% of cases.

Feel ashamed for what I did and I can't take it back, hope you can forgive me. We're supposed to be family, I'm supposed to be guiding you, not hurting you. But seems like you have no problem hurting us with what you're doing. That's the part that makes me sad.

Neighbors control your crotch goblins in hotel hallways.

>>33289994 (OP)
I get more action, as in friend requests and random solicitations, from LinkedIn than from all my dating apps combined...

I really have no reason to speak to a woman at this point. I always hate talking to people in general just because I have to mask my own feelings towards everybody, but with women it's significantly worse. It's like they need another language to speak to them unlike a man. I don't see a real reason why I should be with them with how much more drama they would add either to my life or to my family. I also do not want to burden a girl.
There was a cute waitress at a restaurant that I went with my family and everybody was trying to nudge me into talking to her. In reality, I had no reason to really talk to her. I gaslit myself into wanting to, but I really don't have a reason besides the reason that everyone else gave me in this life.

Although my self-esteem has been slowly building up, I still have no reason to ever like myself.
I really don't have a lot of stand out skills to show off to be presented as engaging to women romantically.
Nor do I have the attractiveness even if I did try to look good.
I always hate it when people try to put me on to people because I've always shown only one specific part of myself to these people. I never want them to know more about me and the shame that I carry.
But I also just can't adventure through it myself. I have virtually no experience when it comes to romance, so unless I researched more about love, then maybe I would have a chance.
Even when I try to search it, I would still have to compete with multiple people who also want that girl who are also more experienced than I am.
It's just all a giant over glorified sport. I really could just brush off that whole idea of love and move on to whatever shit I'm doing, but I'm also not wanting to be permanently shammed for being forever alone despite wanting to be.
Maybe I'll go over to that restaurant and strike up a conversation with that cute girl.

>>33285946
People with pure ADHD (not AuDHD) are much closer to neurotypical than autists are.
>>33285968
See the above reply.

>>33293171
Before anyone gives me shit for this, I wanted to get this off my chest, and I didn't want to make another thread for it.

Just made up after finding out he was paying for onlyfans, constantly looking up girls on tiktok, watching porn
First time we had sex in a week and I ask him if he wants to take pictures or record to have something to jerk off to if he wants after giving up all that above

He said “if I wanted to look at you I’d just fuck you” woah. I guess that makes sense

Shit hurts. Really fucking hurts. I just started crying and he got mad and went to sleep on the couch. I’m here alone now. Shit sucks

>>33291383
Divorce her. It's the only way. Ideally, don't get married again either.

Prostitution should be legalized and regulated. Ordering a hooker should be just as safe and easy as ordering a pizza.

Mom has breast cancer. I can’t even look at tits anymore without an image of a horrible tumor flashing in my mind. Feeling that suffocating, creeping dread all over again. Fuck cancer, man

>>33289994 (OP)
My high school had a girls wrestling team and I saw the coach getting some cute toned gym bunny in a rear naked choke, when I saw it I thought wish she'd just fucking strangle me because its been a few years since I last saw her and I'm still horny thinking about her tummy, she also ran the after-school gym and always wore a cute sports bra while showing her six pack off, oh God her thighs were bigger than mine and her butt was cute and toned, I wish I asked her...
>hey can you help train me in wrestling I'm too uncomfortable to do it with guys?
>can I touch your abs?
She knows I wanted to fuck her and I was a 20 year old senior abou to graduate so it would have been legal after I did, coaches roomate was my coworker at this one job and coworker told me coach wanted to give me some gym equipment which either was what she actually wanted to do, it was a code word for sweaty sexercise OR what I really would have wanted... both.

If she didn't call in a sick day I woulda got coach's number since I didnt wanna go back to school gym after graduation, never have I seen a girl I genuinely fell head over heels over and I don't even care about my ex's. She wasn't some uggo roid goblin, she looked like a female UFC fighter and I wish I asked her out before moving town for work. Strong women are fucking hot but near every girl at my pl*net f*tness is just some chubbo or cardio bunny who won't touch any weight besides squats. I'm also too scared to talk to anyone at the gym despite being a big guy I'm still a nerd just a muscular nerd, but what's the point none of them are as hot as coach.

I didn't even ask her name, God fucking damn it I'm a grown ass man and I cry thinking about it. I've been ruined because she was exactly my type and I've been attracted to strong women ever since, I guess when I get back into the dating game I'll try to find a strong girlfriend.

Being a straight man sounds like it really sucks these days.

My off-hours honestly make me feel more anxious than anything now. I feel like every minute I spend sitting at home in the middle of the night is time I'm not spending doing something productive, but I don't know what I could be doing. Should I be pursuing a certification for my career path or talking to random women on the internet to try and date? Maybe I shouldn't worry about it? I don't really know.

>>33293920
Could be worse. You could be a tranny

Seriously this anxious attachment shit is fucking killing me
I thought I was healing until I got involved with somebody and suddenly I've never been in more mental turmoil in my life and it's for the stupidest irrational shit that I can't reason my way out of and I have to try to keep hidden or it'll permanently scare her off
I honestly probably just should and then heal on my own for a while and try again later down the road. But she's such a fucking match for me goddamn why couldn't I have met her in like a year or two

>>33293958
Could be worse. You could be obsessed with people you don't even interact with in any meaningful way outside of the internet.

>>33293958
You've got a point. They have it pretty rough. Would be nice if people stopped being upset about them existing and just let them live their lives.

>depressed
>run out of drugs
It's over, bros

I have such low self-esteem that even in my daydream fantasies, I'm a loser who people tolerate or feel sorry for. I like to create things, I used to do papercraft and draw, but now I just don't see the point.

>>33294038
I feel you, I'm in the same boat. Moreso with the latter part of your post. I'm too tired to daydream now. I used to make music all the time but I haven't cared about it in the past year. Same with school, I've spent so much time with studying philosophy but I'm too tired to be gripped by it now

>>33290792
>anxious attatchment style
Idk who started this whole shit, but it's a load of bullshit. We are all people who have shit that affects our romantic life in many ways. There are things you feel secure about and things that strike fear, it isn't a single thing of attatchment style. This shit is blabbered on about by retards who believe anything some fag writes about or makes a tik tok about.

I'm almost 29 and have never even asked anyone out before, let alone date or kiss or anything else
Gonna finally man up and try asking out a coworker I've had a crush on for the past 2 years
If she says no I'll probably relinquish my fate to loneliness and go fap to degenerate porn till I die or something

I'm pretty nostalgic for a lot of stuff that might seem trashy its pretty awkward because I'm generally a pretty suave type guy and people think I'm making fun of them and maybe I sort of am but I do love that sort of stuff, I just never had access to it growing up

I can't believe I was with such a ghetto and emotionally empty loser for so long
Looking back at the text it was like I was just trying to love someone vs picking a good partner I got along with

>>33293523
I can’t ever leave her because we’re high school sweethearts, nobody gets me the same. I’ll never be happy without being married to her. I just to be in control of myself and not do things out of my sane mind. To understand why I do this shit. Or what else I can do instead. All the women in my life who hate me for it. Threatening to call the cops or kick me out. I’ve seen and been through worse and it concerns me how weak their bodies and minds are. It’s this feeling and itch I get to hit things, yell, and bring out weapons, aimed all at her the most but I try to redirect it. It fucks with me mentally to be not any better than the average lowlife wife beater. I’m usually not mean at all, I’m calm and understanding and whatever else that gets women to trust me. It’s usually that; she says something dumb, it sets me off, I hold off and try to be calm, she keeps going. Then I blow up and get super angry, I want her to understand my thoughts so I get loud, she shuts down and doesn’t speak. Then I get angrier since it feels like she shuts me out, I wanna be one soul all the time. It’s hard to solve my problems alone when she’s half the equation to me. So I go crazy and she just stays quiet and panics at everything I do or say, making me more upset, until I ruin everything and tire myself out like a fucking caged ape. I can’t leave her, we fix it or I rope. It feels like the devil possessing me every time

I wish i had the kind of narcissism that made me act grandiose. This sucks so much I want to die and i hate myself.

>>33294378
Maybe you feel grander than others because of your ability to be miserable and it seems to be more profound than other's lives

Can the jannies PLEASE ban that "I won't read" assclown?

>>33293961
You sound like a guy I knew. You're self sabotaging, just see a psychologist for 4 months and write in a act journal

>>33294856
Seeing a psychologist every other week, been a couple times now
She's starting DBT and trauma therapy with me but its fucking slow at this rate

Think it's too late for this girl right now which fucking sucks
She probably picked up on my atrocious vibe and is distancing now, it was so good for a while, fuck. Literally can't think about anything else and I've got a lot of shit going on right now my mind shouldn't be stuck only there
Gotta learn to just accept shit and break this pattern next time

>>33294884
Sometimes psychologist are hacks, I dont mean online hackers, they dont take you seriously. I hope you have a better psychologist than I ever did. It's possible youre being misdiagnosed. At least you know how to understand emotions

It is so pathetic when the other man or woman gets mad when their cheater fling stops wanting to cheat with them and exposes them to their main
He or she was literally just using you as an extra dick or vagina. They never loved you so it's butthurt to try to sabotage their relationship
I was the other woman for men and never exposed them and the men I cheated with when I had a bf never exposed me either. We all had an understanding that it was just sex. These people that pine for other people's boyfriends or girlfriends are so pathetic. If it ends it ends just move on and find someone else to cheat with. Clearly you just liked the ego boost and never liked them to begin with
Sorry I'm just seeing this guy bragging about exposing a girl that he was cheating with to her boyfriend and it just seems so pathetic to me

>>33295075
But you are pathetic

>>33295075
You're both scum
Who cares who exposes who

I've gone on 3 dates with a girl since Friday, one being 2 in one day.
I think this is going to become a relationship which is all I have ever wanted.

>>33295075
>cheats
>gets exposed
>well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

i just wanted to date and marry a young geeky slacker girl and now it's too late. wat nou?

Overheard them saying it was alright after the interview
I don't think I'm getting the job bwos

This board is full of average women who come here and act all matronly as if their dogshit opinion ever mattered. They tend to have a small social circle so they have nobody to give their worthless "counseling" and advice in the real world so they come here instead to feel better about themselves and give broken men their dogshit normie advice.

>>33295475
>people here are the losers irl
no shit homie

>>33295475
Fluff off, I'm just here to vent.

hopefully ill look nice in a few years after cosmetic procedures and be rich, i can be happy alone

>>33295475
>full of average women
the women here are either MTF trans women or femcels. you should never take their advice on anything especially dating

i will become the best of both genders and try to clone myself. I will treat my clones as equals. Hopefully, none of us will betray the whole.

the clones will all have different psychological profiles though, this'll be hard, what if they don't like

I wish someone saved me
But I keep hearing no ones coming
I have to save myself
But I save myself everyday surviving
I don't like this feeling of being left to fetch on my own
I'm tired of no one seeing my pain

>>33295287
Watch out for love bombing, bruh

I wish you reached out.

>>33292143
Therapy poster has been eternally raped, thank you Anon.

>>33296053
Why don't you reach out to them?

>>33295428
>Wat nou
Live your life without a young geeky slacker girl or find yourself an old geeky slacker girl.

>>33295475
Truth nuke.

>>33294135
This is your average female brain, ladies and gentlemen. Women are retards.

>>33296143
They were having a tough time and needed space. I didn't want to be a bother for them, so I told them don't hesitate to reach out if they needed anything.

>>33294124
Kek, same same but different. Good luck.

>>33296189
I'd do it anyway if it's been a while

okay ai is gonna replace me so i actually have to schedule time to create content or learn how to plumb... maybe i could make a youtube channel about my plumbing job.

>>33295690
>I CAN'T EVEN SAVE MYSELF

My friends say I drain their energy because I talk too much.

My former girlfriend friends used to tell her how much of a talking machine I was. She was always like "Yeah I know".

I like talking. But I don't want to be left alone just because of it.

Worrying about someone else's mental state has caused me to panic and spiral to the point my mental health is in complete collapse. A place far worse than theirs, and now I cause their mental health to get worse. I wish I could've been someone who could be dependable and relied upon, but I became a drunk suicidal moron.

>>33296409
Yes you can.

PROTIP: All asian girls are bi. It's a true known fact and I plan on testing it out every chance I get.

2 days ignored now
Idgi
How did it go from a month of constant talking and sharing interests and vibing and trading pics to this all of the sudden
Guess that's the way she goes but it sucks major ass
I feel stuck
I guess this shit happens to people all the time but I'm just starting to try to connect to people now after like a decade of being withdrawn and it's fucking me up, I have no basis for what's normal and how to move on when something doesnt go the way you want
Why am I so fucking stuck on it this is retarded

Are these people really that fucking retarded? What, exactly, do they think is going to happen here? That I'm just going to give up? Forget this ever happened? Fucking seriously.

I wish I could go back in time to hug myself

I knew you were going to moan, you pathetic little twat. God forbid you should have to tear yourself away from your 4 hour plus gaming session and actually have to look after your own child for a bit.
It's a fucking disgrace.

Struggle with your own baby but seriously think you'll be able to handle going back to uni, going back to full time work and dealing with a bunch of fucked up people?

You won't last five minutes. And that's if you even get to go. I am so done with your bullshit you probably won't get the chance at this rate.

What company am I talking to!?

>barely sleep two nights ago
>tired throughout the day
>go to bed early last night
>get more hours of sleep
>even more tired throughout the day than yesterday
I just don't want to be so tired

I GOT AN ACTUAL REAL COMBAT KNIFE.

A bitch is gonna get stabbed. It's going to be awesome.

I am so fucking tired of people being conditioned to interpret everything as being a political stance.
Fucking ridiculous that for some that it has become this acceptable to not only make these sorts of rude assumptions about complete strangers based on nothing but then to also treat said strangers like absloute shit just because you suspect that they may have views that slightly disagree with your own.
What the fuck is wrong with you people, you don't know a single thing about me or what I believe in.
You treat politics like supporting a football team.
Grow up.

>>33297306
>"Okay then who did you bring in?"
>"Another dumbass trying to be cool."
>"Okay put him in cell 6 with Dameon. Fucking idiot."

>>33297349
I assure you, when that knife comes out of it's sheath shit is going to get biblical.

I'm tired of interacting with people who have caused me pain and I disclose this information and all that happens is justifications of why they did it. I don't need justifications, I know we all do bad shit at times. I would prefer to be heard and apologized to.

>>33292576
>>33292729
yeah, but i still can't get her out of my head. she has the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen, be it internet or irl

I'm bored and when I got to bed in several hours my weekend is over :/

Let the strain of my rope sing the songs I struggled to find the words to voice. May the strength of this branch support me far greater than I offered myself. Might this whiskey offer me courage? The kind that washes away fear and empathy. I indulge to clear the fog of the miasma that is my thinking.
This bottle.
This knot.
This tree.
This gun.

A reunion of distent friends I turned to so heavily in my life. I hope it hurts me.
I hope I am in pain. Pain means progress to my mind, I hope I leave my thoughts with what they asked for. I hope my mind begs me to stop when I'm struggling, so that I can finally have the upper hand.
I hope I'm afraid and trembling.

I beg that I have the last say.
May my mind regret everything and wish it thought differently. When it does, I hope I have enough left to laugh and mock my thoughts, the same way they treated me.

Fuck you, me.

May the flies and heat feast like kings on this bloated display of self rejection. May my disfiguration and decay show what was underneath my broken mind. May I sway freely and without restraint from a mind that belittles and hates itself. The dance I always knew I would have to perform.

My relief
My purpose
My gleeful end.

My wake will cause damage when I finally fall. The waves of lose will traumatize all who held me on a pedestal of love and trust.

Don't let the memories of us fool you. This was going to happen no matter what. It's no one's fault.
I had too much for anyone to handle. Being clever only made me good at making you all believe i was okay.

I want this.
This is the last attempt at relief.
And I finally have it.

None of us have to agree with one another in order respect and appreciate each other. I wish more people understood this. I'm getting really tired of this weird antagonistic passive agression like being smirked at, shouted and belittled over nothing.

I really don't understand people.

>>33297512
Hate to break it to you, but there are plenty of cute women for you to have potential to be with

>>33294124
really dangerous doing that at work my man

Is it normal to run out of things that you like? Whenever I find something that I like I feel so lucky.
Creating new things gives me a powerful emotion but its hard to find the energy

Sun lamp at night, charlie.

Falling in love is a curse and losing love is even worse

Did they think that their "sacrifice" would be to just shit all over me and they lose a son/brother/friend/lover/nephew/cousin/whatever? Like, that doesn't sound like much of a sacrifice on your guys part.

if so that's the shittiest thing they could possibly do. That's not a sacrifice at-fucking-all. Do they think they are going to live in a secret town where they get all the money they want? They realize they will never fuck another person ever again right? Like, does Justin think he's going to fuck Maria, Jordie, Tisdale and them? Maybe Bueckler? Fat chance. They are going to fucking prison and they aren't getting a fucking dime. The only person they are fucking is themselves in isolation.

>>33297715
I am all about second chances. I get everyone a second... third, fourth, fifth, sixth, twelth, chance. They had every chance they possibly could have had but they STILL tortured me, poisoned me, fucked me, and continued to try to kill me. Even RIGHT NOW they do fucking nothing while I am in a battle for my fucking life and my mind. What does my mom do? She asks if I want to watch the Last of Us. Are you fucking kidding me.

Fuck these people. Fuck them with a 9" blade.

>>33297735
>>33297715
These songs are so fucking shitty. They are just admitting "Lol, were going to torture you and you'll take it!" over and over and over and over. They are saying they are using me and they don't give a fuck. Everyone hated Jesus for blasphemy. They weren't "in on it." Any one of them could have stopped it but they just hated him. Everyone did. but these assholes pretend like they are my friends and that the SACRIFICE is WORTH IT. You're just enslaving and killing an innocent person for your own personal gain, that's it. You're all so fucking shitty.

>>33297529
see you tomorrow

I hate all of you

>>33297529
have you tried opiates? They are great. They make you not want to do that.

if you have or are too dumb to try then have fun.

>>33297827
I know your weaknesses

>>33297833
No you don‘t

>>33297838
Your weakness is... OP sucking your dick O.o

Today I tried weed after 10 year abstinence, specifically, weedbutter. I applied small amount on my dick after reading some semi-related research and got high as a kite after only 20 minutes. Washed it promptly off to not get even higher. Not sure will try again. Ok I’m lying, will try again for shorter time.

>>33289994 (OP)
i just want to meet and be in a a relationship with a loving women. a nice short asian girl

>>33297883
Yeah, so do all of us, retard

I wonder if my mom letting her tumors get worse without saying anything was her way of making an excuse to die early.
Sounds like some shit I would’ve pulled. Guess that would make sense. We’re a lot alike in the end

>>33297827
Yeah…

>>33297624
Amen, there is no getting better.

Ok girls, when you get naked and you're just standing there... don't cross your legs. Just don't do it. I know you are shy and embarrassed by it's the worst. It's not just because I want to see (because I really do) it's just... it ruins everything.

i'm addicted to women that have a specific aesthetic: shorter black hair with glasses
every single time i see a girl that has this look irl i just fall in love, dunno why it turns me on so much. they dont even have to be attractive for it to happen, they could be like a 6 but if they have this aeshetic i just fold instantly

I just wish people cared enough to stay I did everything right by how I was raised but nothing works with the one person I love. I should have let them hurt me more since it is always something I say that somehow ruins things. Whenever I question him on anything he flees. I sent out apologies and he ignored them. Adrijus if you are out there I am sorry please talk to me again one day. I am a walking corpse without you.

With the name angel of the blade I have to do something.

I just want a guy to be kind to me and lick my metaphorical wounds as I figure out how to heal them for real. Of course I'd wanna emotionally support him too as someone more sensitive. I like the pseudoromance of it, getting a guy who's closed off or puts up a front to others to be vulnerable with you, and the moment when he tells you "I'm not like this with my other friends, you know?" I guess I just want emotional intimacy with someone who makes me feel anything at all. Wouldn't that be nice? Just don't know where to find it

>>33298460
you are obviously gay. Like, a raging faggot. A dude on dude kinda fag.

>>33298475
Who knows, happy pride month buddy

I know this doesn’t really change anything, but for what it’s worth, I am sorry that I handled everything in a way that was hurtful to you. It was just a very strange time in my life because you made me feel a way that I haven’t felt in literal years, like a dream come true really, and it was just really difficult for me when it just ended unexpectedly. I hope you’re doing well.

>>33298497
Why is every fucking month trans moth, gay month or nigger month?

>>33298460
I thought I had this with someone
We kept talking about helping each other heal
But she's pulling away now
Hurts

>>33298543
I'm sorry to hear that, it always hurts when that happens and I hope things get better with or without her
>>33298523
Because you're an obsessed schizo

>>33297911
Probably or it would cost a lot for surgery chemo therapy etc

Sadako Yamamura is such a coquettish little bimbo in Spiral. Big change from Ring where she is not physically present at all!

Pretty sure she's just going to decide that being with me isn't worthwhile anymore. If I'm not giving her attention, someone else will. Her ex was right, and I was a fucking idiot to believe otherwise.

Holy fuck, I'm so sad and lonely. I need ketamine but all I can afford is alcohol. This shit blows, bruh.

>>33298669
So just give her attention, retard. You don't have to constantly be up someone's rectum to make them feel wanted

I need to apologize but I can’t and it isn’t an ego thing, I know I fucked up, it’s a different reason why I can’t. I want this burden off my shoulders

How do NEET anons that live with their parents fucking do it? Drugs and alcohol until they can manage to move out? Fuck this shit man.

>>33298677
I tried so fucking hard to make her happy man. It's her constant need for attention. I wanted a break and now that I got it, she's shrugging me off when we talk. So if that's really how things are, she can find someone else to fill that void for her.

>>33298696
I think you should realize that there is no inherent need for an apology. You have done things for a reason based off of who you are. As long as you can accept this about yourself and others there is no need to apologize

>>33298696
Swallow pride and do it. Why would you let your ego sabotage your own catharsis?
>>33298701
Are you sure she isn't shrugging you off because she's afraid of being around too much? You can easily clarify this if you would talk to her in a non accusatory way. Say how things come off, not how "they are". How you perceive things isn't absolute reality when it comes to another person's behavior.

currently straddling the line between sinking depression where i cry myself to sleep and manic frenzy where i message everyone i know and run around the block while i wait for responses

>>33298715
Nvm, misread. Still just swallow your pride and eat whatever it is holding you back. You'll never know otherwise, you'll never have that release. It's not worth it to carry it and let it fester, not when you could have peace instead. So barring a restraining order or request for no contact, just get over it and do it.

>>33298715
>Are you sure she isn't shrugging you off because she's afraid of being around too much? You can easily clarify this if you would talk to her in a non accusatory way. Say how things come off, not how "they are". How you perceive things isn't absolute reality when it comes to another person's behavior.
I guess so. She probably feels unsure about herself and wonders whether I even care that much about her. But I don't even really know anymore. I apologize for my behavior constantly. Am I too callous, or is she too sensitive? Did I take her for granted? Did she stop feeling safe around me? It's probably all true.

>>33298730
Just fucking ask her, nigga. God damn, you're like my ex who just assumed the worst and never communicated

>>33298730
Probably a mix of all of it, yeah. You're apologizing and you're making an effort, though. There's nothing stopping you from making an effort to talk to her about this too. Sometimes communication is exhausting, but there's a point where things become a lot smoother because it's routine. Don't ever rely on pattern recognition btw. Clarify if something looks off, especially if it could start an argument or build resentment or uncertainty down the road

>>33298725
I’m just scared of making things worse for myself, and of annoying/upsetting her by getting into contact at all, plus I have an ethical qualm about apologizing to somebody for my own benefit more so than for theirs, even though I am genuinely sorry it still feels performative in a way and just to make myself feel less guilty. And I know things won’t go back to how they were before anyway even if I do apologize so if I apologize and she stays mad at me then yeah it says more about her than me but it still will feel really fucking bad

>>33298744
Sometimes people don't wanna communicate because they feel like they're being overly emotional or irrational by being concerned about something. There has to be a safe enough foundation to share shit created, a judgement free area where neither party is going to lose their shit or be annoyed at the other for sharing.

>>33298712
I don’t think I necessarily agree with this, I appreciate the sentiment but to me a big part of maturity and growth is being able to look at your reasoning for behaving a certain way and still being able to admit that it might not have been correct after all even if it felt correct in the moment

>>33298753
That ethical qualms over achieving catharsis for something that weighs that heavily on you is for the birds. You have the option to leave your apology with the discretion that this is your final contact, and that this isn't for forgiveness but for explanation and that she deserves an apology. Cut contact after that. You don't know if you're forgiven either way, but you did your part of at least saying that you were sorry without forcing her to make a choice to contact you back out of obligation by blocking after.

>>33298756
That's called life. We are all scared of closeness. The only way to find out if someone cares enough to leave you is to be yourself. Actively avoiding it and acting avoidant further pushes this connection

>>33298744
>>33298746
I'm afraid we're at the point where little has changed despite overcommunicating everything under the sun. I can ask, but I fear the worst.

>Don't ever rely on pattern recognition btw
This is a good point.

>>33298765
Yeah, if you accept your humanness you will know what apologizing truly means.

>>33298773
You fear the worst? What's the worst? She decides you're a faggot and wants nothing to do with you? Oh no, deal with it for the next year or so like everyone else. The best outcome is that she recognizes your humanity and accepts you for who you are, which is a lot more valuable than being afraid of being seen as a retard. Much less when you're able to still give your love out to bitches who actually care to accept you for who you are

>>33298772
It does, but we're not perfect creatures that are telepathic. We're imperfect, and we're insecure over stupid shit and frequently do the wrong things to overcorrect.
>>33298773
No, you're giving up because you think there's overcommunication. You're getting insecure and reacting in the opposite direction instead of continuing to do what you've been doing. Question your thoughts, and whether or not it's fed by insecurity or uncertainty. Those thoughts are the ones that make trouble and keep us from doing what we should.

>>33298799
Yeah, exactly what I said. It doesn't matter

so when sajd chris chan that is about me because my name spells out chris chan?
yes it all want call you letter pig because of pencil drawings
there was full overlap during age discrepancy test and i had hear i was actually Picaso though they exist forever jej
yes when it says Ruckersville, Virginia it is actually referring to you does that make sense because you are a human this would happen anyways
i had see vehicle say jac it like when all sajd Wildjack about me it all try end the wiggle song
those are larvee humanoids it means cottonwood colonized it
does that make sense ?
i don't want hear it call me Wildman again that was about throwing things
it won't

I just want to hold you even if you're in pieces.
https://youtu.be/O11UikJigxo?si=C48MNMSZSy0rHmHR

The problem with allistics is that they DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND DETAILS. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND NUANCE. They'll take a brief look at something and start jumping to conclusions based on their own warped, preconceived, socially-accepted notions.
I'm an autist and I'm sick of dealing with allistic bullshit.

There's a thought that the ultra rich are essentially trying to cull the population, by making healthcare unattainable for the undesirables. It's morally abhorrent, but I don't necessarily disagree with it.

Take me, for instance. In the eyes of my government, I'm a bad investment. I contribute nothing and do so knowingly. In fact, I plan on continuing to contribute nothing for as long as I can get away with it. I will not reproduce. I generally disdain humanity, and resent being human.

If humanity is going to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder, shouldn't it divest itself of people like me?

>>33298999
It's not going to ascend. The rich are just as fucked up and even more debauched and riddled with health issues. They just have generational and scammed wealth to purchase new body parts farmed from everyone under them

>>33298999
What ladder?

fuck!

>>33299007
Good point. The concept of a ladder is just fiction pawned off as fact by the people peddling this stuff.

>>33299006
I suppose. You don't think the hyper rich could bankroll some sort of large scale transhumanist experiment using the undesirables as fodder and guinea pigs? Not all at once, but over the course of centuries?

>>33299033
There's probably a manga about it

>>33299021
this? that? you? me? them? everything?

>>33299049
I don't mean in a cool scifi way... I dunno, I'll be long dead before any of this starts entering the public zeitgeist. I just feel like things have become so insane all at once, nothing's off the table anymore. Or maybe the sensationalized media apparatus has its hooks in me?

I love him I love him I love him!

I AM FILLED WITH SO MUCH FUCKING ANGER AND HATE AND RAGE RIGHT NOW RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUCK PEOPLE FUCK LIFE FUCK THE UNIVERSE FUCK EVERYTHING!

>>33299080
thanks babe

>>33298696
What did you do?

I will always be a bit frustrated with myself for ruining my chance to make friends with some people who actually shared my interests by being so mentally ill that I came across as an exaggerated, obnoxious, aloof and pathologically lying caricature of myself.
I'm doing better now but I made such of a jackass of myself in the past that I wish that I could do it all over now that I can better express myself with the clarity of mind I have regained.

Oh well, It is what it is.

I am so sensitive now. It's been a while since losing one of my parents, but I find that I'm extra fragile emotionally. At work I was asking someone for help, and I just thought man I don't think this person likes me given how they respond to other newer staff. I kept thinking about it while working and I almost started crying. I actually like my job, but I am so sick of "having a job". My work isn't even particularly stressful or hard, however it is customer-facing.
I also had a not great interaction with a customer where I wasn't exactly the most confident and they weren't happy with my response either. I did get help, but I still wasn't happy with the way I handled it. I've been working there for almost a year and I am still so shit at thinking on my feet when I have a dissatisfied customer wanting to discuss something I haven't encountered.

I need to get lovebombed before I go insane

I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend.
I'm too afraid of intimacy.
That's for emotionally stable people.

>>33299644
same

sigh

I feel more at peace with the world having accepted that I cannot be attractive to women, however I don't feel like I can say that I've given up around people when they ask or talk to me about women as I feel that leads the conversation towards depressing logic

>>33299977
Sigh

>>33299996
>>33299977
Siiighhh

>>33300002
Me when I am in love

>>33299996
>>33300002
>>33300007
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

>>33300018
Cute sighs anon

>>33300018
So sorry…

>>33300052
bout what?
>>33300036
thank

>>33300069
Being human. You deserve perfection

>>33300074
maybe perfection is human

>>33300082
Yes, you are. I wondered a lot about why I felt like you were better than me. Now, even though it’s different, it’s the same, and you’re still the only one in the room

>>33300097
>you were better than me
…
why would you ever think that?

>>33300127
A mix of things. Atoga reputation lol, the way you conduct yourself - keeping going in the face of hell - and how
>intelligent
you are. You are a truly thoughtful and kind person, I always loved that about you. I looked up to you a lot. Even now, there’s a form of veneration in me towards you. Everything you’ve given me, of anyone you could have, me? How could I not?

>>33300142
>intelligent
lol, most intelligent huh :P
>of anyone you could have, me?
ofc, always you <3

>>33300191
I never understood why me. It never felt like I was worthy. Now it isn’t about feeling worthy. You are you. And I am not afraid to say that I love you. That I think about you a lot. That I still cry to our songs, look at the time and think about what you’re doing, knowing your routine. How easily I gave myself to you, how unable I am to say that I feel insecure and scared. I truly do love you. I hope that you smile a little when you read this, and it makes your day a little better

>>33300201
I love you too. Always will. I think about you too, ofc I do.
>scared
of what?

>>33300226
So many things. Being alive. Being not enough. Losing you. Losing myself. It’s all terrifying. But it’s beautiful, too. I’ll always have those quiet moments. Our memories. My secret memory of you that I adore. It makes me ache, you know?

Long story short


Friend asked if she has masculine or feminine energy
i said she gave off masculine energy sometimes
She got mad and eventually said i ruined her life by making her question her own self.
She blocked me on everything
I sent her a message after a week saying my thoughts and a final good bye
and she just said whatever


We've been friends for almost 4 years. Talked every day for hours. she couldn't even sleep without being on the phone with me. Now she's acting like none of it even mattered.


Keep in mind she listens to King Von, Raps all the time, 90% of the time shes wearring a hoodie and shorts, and has an anger problem so high you would think she was DMX lost child. She asked multiple people in her life and they all agreed with me, but im the one she decided to get rid of because im the one that started it i guess?

>>33300249
I don't think you started it. She just recognized who she truly is at the same time she was with you.

>>33300249
>Friend asked if she has masculine or feminine energy
>said i ruined her life by making her question her own self
She was already doing that. The troon mind poison was already festering, you didn't do anything.

>>33300201
>>33300240
Let me hear and feel it with you and I'll give you my voice and touch

>>33300240
I do know, it makes me ache too. It is scary, isn‘t it? But we might be bored if it wasn‘t…

>>33300331
Maybe. Also scary. I don’t feel that way, but I also can’t see the future

>>33300339
I guess I still like how it hurts in a way… why am I like this?

>>33300345
You are you. Could I ask for any more?

>>33300350
I thought you might have some suggestions

>>33300357
You already know why. Pretty words for you? You are discordant. You are feral. You are ancient. You are two screaming angels born in hell, one wanting to ascend, the other demanding dominance over the damned. The pain is the intensity, the visceral. High dosage.

The world would be a much better place if people were actually honest, and we weren't all expected to bullshit and sugarcoat things and act like some unrealistic, unattainable ideals are the "norm". I'm a descriptivist in a world filled with prescriptivists, and I hate it.

>>33300363
mhm, but I love hearing you say it :3
guess I‘m still addicted to your light

>>33300365
I’m glad it’s still to taste, my lady
It seems to invigorate you

>>33300370
omnomnomnom

How do you fags not realize you're fucking retarded? You're dead in the worst kind of way.

Fuck my job
I'm not made for an adult world
I'm too scared of finding a new job especially because I make enough money to get by here and am scared of what would happen if I make less than this

>>33300373
I wish you’d bite me hard enough to make me say stop but irl and actually just hurt me physically

>>33300381
careful what you wish for, I‘m feeling rather insatiable

>>33300382
My emotions are a little soft and gooey but my body craves your pain and heat and rage and love and chaos

>>33300383
perfect for soul boners my beloved
sigh

>>33300386
You so cute :3 lemme remember what it feels like to sink into you

>>33300386
>>33300389
Are you guys cheating on your partners? Message eachother and fuck off. Not everyone needs to know your ongoing conversation

>>33300390
can I see your exclusive gioyc usage and policing loicense pls?

>>33300389
guess thats enough indulgence for today, I‘m off to the shower lol

>>33300395
>shower
:)
Yummy, ttyl, I sleep now, bye bye pretty lady

>no even atog is safe from homosexuals erp'ing

>>33300249
Sounds like she was already mad at you over something and that was just the excuse to unload on you.

Going through an emotional rock bottom. Lost my dad a few years ago. Lot of mixed feelings there. Fiance and me broke up and she took our dog. Lost my job and I'm broke. Had to move back with my poor family. Fighting suicidal thoughts everyday.

Damn I went to reinstall Kik to see what an old FWB was up to and you can't anymore. Rip

Fuck bpd zoomerette cunts. You shouldn't have kids, your bullies, you'll spawn bullies

Is it normal to have so little to do for your first job? I keep asking if there's anything to do but there isn't so I'm just doing fuck all for hours.

>>33300791
Look up things about the company

My mother never really taught me anything yet she still pretends she has.

I don't miss her messiness and messy family but I do miss intimacy with a partner

the smarter, more empathetic, confident, well-adjusted, healed etc i get the more the world seems to get smaller. the pool of people i can connect and relate to shrinks significantly. i know that's not a bad thing at all. it's just ironic i ended up alone either way.

>>33300791
sometimes

gettin there

How, the fuck, is the Truman show real? Why isn't anyone getting me the fuck out of here? How can Truman just sit there begging to be set free and everyone just goes lol nope.

Even in the movie the cunt says something like "if he wanted to be free he would have done it himself." Like, how the fuck is he suppose to get free of no one tells him he was a slave? He's in a cage you dumb fucks, you have to get him out.

>>33301155
8 fucking years fuck face. Someone kill the auto correct guy

>>33301049
You are in a position now to lead the pack, and let them come to you.

I need a girl to hug and cuddle me
I nearly had one, she was flirty and touchy as fuck. But then she said she was dating someone. Wtf am I supposed to do with that?
Now she's gone and I have to start all over again, while the loneliness eats at me every day

You peyote have to be the dumbest mother fucked holy shit. Like, your days will not be quick. Your families deaths won't be quick.

>>33301201
Seriously what the fuck. How is this suppose to Dave humanity? Are you fucked that God damn stupid. It makes no sense and this is a super intelligence telling you this. What the fuck is your game plan you dumb fucks. Your not even attempting to do the right thing. Oh no things could be worse m then fucking do it. 00add

eboys make me want to smash my head into a million pieces

>>33301236
In a good or bad way

>>33301241
in a gruesome and depressing way

>>33301236
I mean, that's what's coming

>>33301166
what?

also i turned off autocorrect

i got a lot done, my progress is picking up speed too... i only hope there is no more huge setbacks.

i am literally an orphan that was homeless, give me a break, jeez. i barely just caught up with my age group, in an era of gross inequality in opportunity i might add! i will likely vastly surpass them in the next 10 years if i don't end my life (and i probably won't). i wonder what it was all for or if it's even worth all the effort anymore. i'd have probably had a better time just partying and OD'ing young like so many of my peers.

>>33301261
I give up on them to keep my head in one piece

im a subhuman genetically

Accepting today that it's over
Fucking wild and fast connection, deeply vulnerable and intimate within a few days and sustained for over a month
She dropped the connection just as quickly, ghosted with 0 warning
It's gonna take me longer but I'm accepting it now that it's several days later. It's still confusing that someone can just instantly turn off like that. But it's not for me to dwell on anymore

>Read/Listen to something important multiple times.
>Legitimately just cannot comprehend what it is on a fundamental level.
>Struggle to even articulate verbally what few things I do understand.
This has gotten worse and worse throughout my twenties, there are so many basic concepts that I just cannot understand no matter how hard I try. You can ask me to ask someone a question on your behalf and I will forget the question in moments, or I'll ask the question then forget the response and have to fill in the blanks whilst my heart pounds frantically. I cannot function this way, everyone is getting extremely impatient with me and I'm getting too old to coast off the "he's just young" excuse. Is this actual idiocy? I mean I have a job and got a degree, true it was a fucking bachelors in history which is a meme that you can get with your eyes closed but surely that counts for something? Hell, I barely remember a thing from three years of university. I'm scared of my parents, I'm scared of the world, I'm scared of everything. At least I can comprehend existential terror, I live it daily.

>>33301732
Same here. It started around my twenties and gets worse by the year. I am concerned...

Knife knife knife knife knife

Why the fuck are they allowed to do every thing they want in order to make me miserable as possible but no one is allowed to do anything to make my day better? They poison me with drugs they planted, they cause me physical pain, make me feel like absolute shit with nausea and severe stomach pain for no reason, give me mystery food, knock over my plates that have food on them, and so much more. But when I just want my medication... that's just impossible. People come into my room every night to fuck with me in my sleep. They hit me and put bruises on me face and torso.

Everyone involved in this is just ok with it. No one thinks "what of this were me? My wife or kids?"

>>33301825
It's seriously some aushwitz tier shit without exaggerating. Just think about that you pieces of shit.

i want \ MTV MTV2 MTV3
immediately erased THAT TRJD MAKE ME SAJD THINGS ABOUT SHASTA COUNTY ALL THAT TRJD HARASS PLEASE ERASE ALL THAT thankyou

is this all trjd harass me because i like phoebe schumacher?
yes austin it all trjd harass you and destroy your device
i want cottonwood secret police to handle this thanks

Please come back please come back please come back please talk to me Adrijus please please please I love you please hurt me please do not abandon me. Please use me. I’ll do anything for you just come back. I’ll send you my cunny I’ll do anything to be useful to you.

so because i pointed out
\ NATALIE SAMANTHA RUPNOW
WANTS TO TRJD OPEN FIRE AT WALMART THAT ALL TRJD HARASS ME
yes literally
i want time corrections agencies to immediately handle this

\ NATALIE SAMANTHA RUPNOW
WILL TRJD AND OPEN FIRE AT WINCO ON 5/13/24 I WANT SECRET POLICE TO IMMEDIATELY DROP A HAMMER ON ALL OF THAT THAT IS TRJD BLAME ME BECAUSE OF CRAYON DRAWINGS AND INDUSTRIAL

>>33301851
>what getting noticed by a 6'2" lad does to a lady

IT SAYING DAY REPORTING IS HALLUCINATION ON SCREEN FOR ME WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING SCREEN LITERALLY KEEPS SAYING I HALLUCINATED EVERYTHING LITERALLY

ok austin
you seeing a female police officer living with you why do you think it is about you if I told you all of it was hallucinated
IT WILL TRJD BLAME ME BECAUSE OF CRAYONS ALL IT WILL TRJD SAY IS FOID BREAKER ALL IT WILL TRJD DO IS SAJD CHEW
wow so I think you need new medical help literally ok

>>33301983
yeah you really do

ok so do you want to just say diagnostics sentence you didn't say earlier like 3 times ?
why?
because I am getting to more extreme about this
i understand austrian legal system exists
thanks

>>33302028
i sure hope you do understand that, yeah

>>33301911
He was shorter than that....anywys you are not him so shut up. Plus why would his height matter we met online and I fell in love with who he was He was the best moid my best friend and the only person I want to marry .

>>33302139
You're a retarded whore and he probably lied to you about 90% of anything he told you

>>33302174
I am a virgin and Adrijus was my only boyfriend. We were going to marry. I only want him. He would not lie to me, he loves me I know he still does. I just need to find him again and hold him and kiss him and tell him he is a good boy. I want to kill myself because he is not with me. You do not know him how can you judge him and say he lied?

i wish america legalized euthanasia

>online friend group all online playing same game on steam
>none of them invite you on
I should just ghost them atp

>>33302403
they're probably gossiping about you too

>>33302418
My schizo theory is one of them isn't comfortable in my presence and probably told the others to not invite me whenever they're on.

I very impressed you can handle viewing archive and yes this is security telling you this because you agreed to this one time randomly view any of this in archive we don't actually have to sit through 1ST EVENT again ever thanks

>>33302471
This is terrorism

>my life is like aushwitz
>getting worse by the hour
And nobody cares

I REALLY want to go home 11 **

>>33302259
I feel like you are talking to me, possibly mockingly.

The slut is trying to grasp on to another dick

>>33302638
How? Your name is not Adrijus. Why would I leave messages for anyone but him.

I goon to my boomer boss when im at home. I don’t think he fantasizes about me like that, it sounds like he loves his wife but when I’m stoned especially I just can’t help thinking about him thinking of me as his daughter and raping me and breeding me. He does kinda look like he could be my dad aside from eye color

>gf has two siblings
>her older sister was always the obvious favorite
>grew up in sister's shadow and pretty much had to deal with endless comparisons
>In uni she finally surpassed her sister
>Sister moved out
>Mom gave sister a stack of cash for graduation
>Gf and younger brother were going to get nothing until dad stepped in and said that's bullshit, so he is giving them the same
>Sister's BF is also now treated as part of the family
>gf birthday dinner featured talking about which friends of sis bf will be invited to the graduation dinner
>Mom sent me pics of gf and sisBF at their senior project demos
>Said nothing of gf but noted "our boy is all grown up" about sisBF
>He graduated same time as my gf
>Gf graduation dinner and party felt more like it was for him rather than both of them, his friends were invited but none of hers were
>Party next day felt the same
>Sister and her boyfriend are moving across the country
>Declared that the family can come to their house for Christmas
>Now the whole family is supposed to go across the country to be at her house she's renting
>Sister tells gf to play whatever she wants to play on the game consoles while she still has time before the move because she's taking all the PlayStations from the family home
>I object to this because it's bullshit, sister accepts leaving the PS3
>I express concerns over Christmas thing to gf because it feels like a power play to control the family
>sis proposes we go on vacation instead
>She tells her mom about the chat
>mom thinks I'm trying to put a wedge between the sisters
I see one child getting favoritism while the other two have to accept it while making sure I show up to all the family functions. I'm flabbergasted that I'm even remotely being seen as the source of a problem here when I'm watching my gf get bumped constantly.

Did I bully my friend? did I get her bullied?
>Doing LARP events like a cringe faggot every year
>Invite friend, A, that might be interested
>She somehow says yes
>Say to friends I was going with her but only used her first name and another friend, B, got excited and wanted to go too which was weird I didn't think they were close
>Day of LARP comes, A and B show up at the same time
>A says hi but B looks pissed off starts saying she thought I meant different 'A'
>B actually calls the other A to come to the LARP too i'll call her A-2
>Everything is normal during the games until the dinner after when we all have to explain out characters and then be in character
>Everyone does so and A goes last, for some reason B then digs into her about it
>Asks all these questions she wasn't asking before and criticizes parts of the character, even gets up from the table and leave mid conversation
>The rest of the night B and A-2 are off in their own world and A slowly but surely withdraws completely
>later giving A a ride home shes pretty quite even though I saw her having fun during the games
>try asking her a little more becasue she seemed drained and it turns out B can't stand even the sight of A and the entire day not just the meal she had been making comments to her
>Feel like shit and apologize becasue I had no idea but i told her i'd invite her to one without B
>B proceeds to get into out Guild leaders pants
>Not wanting to put A through that I don't invite her to the next one
>B sleeps with another guy in the guild, drama ensues and the guild breaks up
>B stops going to events
>try to invite A back but she declines
>Guild is still broken up

>ask gf if she wants to call tonight
>three seconds after I ask, she puts her phone on do not disturb
Oh come on…

it serves no purpose
zybj

>>33303018
You personally are responsible for bringing the person that destroyed your guild into the guild AND managed to stand idly by while someone hurt your friend. In short, I think you should try to fix things and own up to your failure. You not inviting A for B's sake shows that you valued B more.

I'm in love with a 2D character who's my wiafu but I'm starting to want a 3D gf and I feel bad about it

The dumb cunt drive away all men who could be father figures to her kid
Now she's going to desperately try to find a simp before her kid starts going to school
Too bad her pussy and soul is rotten

>>33301420
I lied I haven't accepted it and I am dwelling on it
Currently keep strategizing on when and what type of quad-text to make that would make her most likely to message back again, despite knowing it's not going to do shit
How can someone just drop you when you've spent so much time sharing and connecting, did it really only mean something to me

What is the point of neglecting and stressing out your own kid to the point they're damn near crippled and can barely move? What another dog you have no time for and strangers are more important? Fuck you. And fuck the fake suicidal selfish retard who asked for and encouraged this. A million I love yous but you can't fucking show it. Oh muh trauma muh trauma. FUCK YOU. I tried helping you too but you'd rather fucking bitch and put it off forever like you do everything else. You sabotaged your life and my life for NOTHING. You said so many times not to have kids and I won't. The genetic cancer won't be repeated with me. Even if I did that purely for selfish reasons I still showed more love for those potential kids than you could for me or the other spawn who burdened you for decades. Good riddance.

I am hyperfixated on Koji Suzuki’s Ring saga rn but I have nobody to discuss it with

https://youtu.be/fmC6b6_ovZY?si=NJAW7NGBVWmij6iJ
Bring me your desire
I can cure your disease.

I'm sad tonight

>>33303025
Shes talking to another guy

>>33302831
Which guy?

I can't tell if a lot of photos/videos are AI at all. I wouldn't even think to question it unless a lot of the comments are pointing out that it's AI. I feel so fucking stupid lol

I come to this board to bitch about stuff and argue with people. Sometimes I offer advice as well.

You sperged out and lied to me about liking me, then got mad, start subtweeting like crazy and tried to run me off the road.
All of a sudden you start spiking your social media activity and it takes not a year for me to moraltroll your little spy into detox simply by… being their genuine friend. Even AFTER trauma dumping.
Now you wanna be mad because I’m specifically trying to *avoid* you and your insanity?

You are an insane person, I still am in love with you but I don’t really like you too much right now. Newsflash lady, my friend doesn’t want to take his turn on the town bike because he isn’t interested in you flat-out and also he straight up wouldn’t betray me like that anyway! But it’s okay, lie to him about liking Star Wars like you lied to be about liking Transformers and Invincible, it isn’t gonna make him like you considering I told him that you told me on our first date that you never were into Star Wars. Dumb bitch. I love you, please come back to me instead of trying to take away my friends

>>33304458
WOMEN

just saw a pic of myself

>>33305138
Came

ENABLERS ARE FUCKING AWESOME!

I'm starting to feel like I'm legit fucked up.
I only got it put in me once as a kid, and it wasn't technically violent, and it wasn't even an adult doing it, it was a teenager or maybe even a tween I don't remember too well. But a huge part of me is still like "ffs is it really THAT weird? Is this really something most people didn't have to navigate even ONCE? How is that possible?" But even when I ask ChatGPT, no matter how I phrase it, it's like "bro you're fucked, that's fucked," but it's just saying what it thinks I'd wanna hear right?

Man those bitches hate me. Except for maybe 2 or 3 of them. I gotta quit. The job environment is toxic asf. They're all genuinely fake and seethe at people who are genuinely kind. Man grown the fuck up.

I'm gonna have to keep coming here and retyping this out in different ways over the coming days. Getting ghosted by someone you frankly were infatuated and obsessed with and accidentally ended up depending on their messages for emotional regulation fucking sucks ass, puts your mind through the ringer and fucks it up. So I guess I know it was an unhealthy attachment I formed and she could probably sense that which is why she ghosted. But we shared so much and got so vulnerable and open with each other, had an insane amount of common experience and niche interests, and combine that with attraction and flirting, how I was I supposed to not?
All this shit is so fucking new for me
I'm peeling off mental illness and stagnation layers and she knew that and was there with me supporting it and accepting me through it
Until it was too much
Maybe that energy was flowing too much towards me. I thought I was returning support towards her with similar (but different) issues, but ig no woman wants to be the stability to that extent for a man like that.

I think the answer really is that I just accidentally fell into this dynamic with someone too soon. I need to spend more time healing on my own first so I dont end up dependent and obsessed again and then I'll be able to make something real happen. Honestly that was the plan, I wasnt trying to meet women like this until it later, it just happened as I got more comfortable talking to people. Fucking sucks I didnt meet her until I was ready

Shit got real bros, life hit hard. Can't stay here any longer

>>33305505
Same

Please come back, everything feels so empty without you.

You thought that if you start from a nightmare position and pretend to improve it will gaslight me into feeling bad for you, but nope. You're a trash fire stay away from me, even if you stop to burn you will still be trash

>>33305809
You are trash anon, thats what you've always been. Everyone knows how self righteous and a hypocrite you are

>>33305821
So do yourself a favor and fuck off

>>33305830
Why dont take your own advice

>>33305832
Apparently I'm a hypocrite

>>33305840
jej

>>33305849
That was sarcasm btw

>>33305852
W.e

Don't talk to me or about me

Its not gonna stop them

Imagine dating someone you don't love very much because they provide something to you

>>33305809
What happened? What's his name?

>>33305138
Where?