>be me 22
>depressed since 12
>Find job
>Pay sucks, it's far from home, but it's the only place that gave me a chance
>It's a small company and everyone is very close to each other and very human
>Everyone threats me well, everyone talks about how competent and hardworking I am
>Boss unironically treats me better than my own dad
>Starts feeling good about my life, maybe I don't want to kill myself after all
>Fast forward 4 months later, I screw up royally and lose a huge sale
>Boss that is always super nice to me is visibly disappointed and frustrated
>I fell like shit, he trusted me and I fucked it all up
>All of the depression that stayed repressed for a few months got back and hit me like a semi truck
>I can't do anything right
>Want to kill myself again

Is it always going to be like this? No matter how much progress I make in life, no matter how happy I am, will I always go back to felling suicidal after any mistake?

>>33297444 (OP)
That happened because you get your self-worth from validation of who you are instead of from how well you are applying yourself and paying attention and attending to the matter at hand. Those latter things make you competent, not being told that you are.

>>33297444 (OP)
I've gone through similar shit. The lesson I learned is that depression never goes away. Wether you seek validation in others or not, there will always be times throughout your life where you'll want to off yourself. The feelings might last a few weeks or just days. It's a gamble.

Just stay alive cause that way you'll be able to witness the end of the world!

And be proud of your accomplishments too. No matter how small they may be.

>>33297444 (OP)
Maybe you can tell your boss that you're really regretful and that it was only a mistake. If your boss is really upset about just one mistake you did (assuming you don't fuck up all the time), then something is wrong with your boss. Normally, they are only angry if you fuck up all the time or do something on purpose as most of them normally know that everyone can make mistakes. Also, depression is something pretty normal as you age. I see it as a reflection of this imperfect world on oneself. It's just the reality of this world and everyone has problems secretly, even the ones who look happy. Maybe you can share you specific mistake, if it's ok?