i have been passively suicidal since i was about 9 years old. it's been a hardcoded part of my thought process for nearly two decades.

i attempted suicide when i was 14, and every time something goes wrong (or the possibility of something going wrong) my go-to coping mechanism is thinking about and planning suicide. it's retarded and i want to stop but i don't know how. any advice?

this mindset is what charged shitty grades, a drug addiction, and a smoking habit. im now 3 years sober and my gpa is sitting in the 4.00 range but it's still the root of other problems. i keep smoking because im too cowardly to actually kill myself, so i choose to slowly kill myself instead. ive quit twice, but eventually relapsed and started smoking again because it's the closest thing i have to killing myself. thinking about death/suicide is also how i make myself feel better when i don't do too well on an exam and risk bringing down my gpa. im sick of it lol. it's like i have a destructive, unhealthy coping mechanism hardcoded into my day-to-day thought process

shameless bump

>>33303432 (OP)
I would posit that there is no such thing as 'passively suicidal'.
You've presumably been the victim of setbacks in the intervening time and yet you did not kill yourself.
Your continued existence betrays a thought process you must have followed where you determined that the positives of remaining alive outweighed those of killing yourself at that time.
Thus you are not suicidal, passively or otherwise.
Everyone keeps that way out at the back of their mind. Everyone knows it's there and yes to a certain degree I think everyone feels some degree of comfort at this.
>it's retarded and i want to stop but i don't know how. any advice?
Continue to recognise this inherent retardation. It doesn't sound to me that you're that badly adjusted if you're feeling shame at having these feelings. Keep talking about it.

i've also been suicidal since childhood
weird to have someone else put it into words
the solution is: being too busy to give it much time
don't over-think, just fight your demon

>listen to the impulse that tells me to destroy the packet after i've had 1 cig
>a few times, hurt my wallet enough that i don't buy packets anymore
>occasionally buying a single off someone on the street won't kill me
>and most of the time i can't find one so it just turns into walking for an hour

i think "planning death" is related to being a predator animal, so i just accept the thoughts and try not to dwell on them
>it'd be a gorey mess if someone jumped in front of that train.. but i don't like pain so it won't be me lol

>>33303432 (OP)
that's just you, accept it, you will never be happy and you will never an hero

>>33303432 (OP)
this is a super anecdotal and borderline schizo question, but are you circumcised? i'm circumcised and have also always struggled with my brain's default coping mechanism being, "i'm miserable and nothing will ever get better, i'm just gonna smoke myself." and i read something recently that gave me the impression i might've picked that habit up after my first human experience was being pinned down by my arms, legs, and throat while they sawed 10% of my cock skin off, and then had to live the first week of my life with a massive aching gash on my genitals day & night. seems like the sort of trauma that might lead one to develop suicidal hopelessness as a coping mechanism.

>>33303432 (OP)
Gotta love Suicide Ideation. I've had it since I was 13, any set back I have I think "I am going to kill myself" or "I should kill myself", at least several times a day for the past 12 years. Have never actually intended to do it but there are times I've engaged in really reckless behavior that could have killed me. It sucks that I can't even talk to friends/family about it because they will treat me like I'm a maniac. I've tried going to 2 different therapists for it but they have only told me the useless advice that men always hear when they are struggling, its not severe enough for anybody to care. Used to get drunk every single night to cope but it made me really fat. Now I've been trying to do healthy coping mechanisms. Playing/learning guitar is nice because it takes up a lot of my thoughts. Still it's a struggle, I haven't been able to be in a relationship for years because my last 2 relationships ended when I told them the extent of my thoughts/feelings. It's like an emotional catch 22 where I want to be mentally better to be in a relationship but I get mentally worse because I'm lonely.
Oh yeah advice. I wish I knew lol. Just don't kys, I've been to funerals for people who killed themselves and seeing their family cry is the worst thing I've ever seen. Also don't let it define you, your thoughts may be part of you but they are not who you are. Find something to be obsessed over too, for me it's black metal and books.

>>33303432 (OP)
>suicidal long before even hitting puberty and getting into angry teenager music
I don't suppose that some fuckin meds are out of the question?

>>33305990
>There is NO answer for your mental health struggles. Take the fucking pills! TAKE THE PILLS!
Fuck off, you bot.

>>33306132
If bro was all sorts of fucked up when he was still single digits year old, then it's clearly a chemical problem.

What's your solution then?

>>33306132
Not that anon, but I most definitely would've killed myself without medication because I'm diagnosed obsessive-compulsive. Some of us do need medicine to stop from ruminating on things that nudge us toward suicide.

>>33305714
awesome
>>33305753
lol you'd be surprised - if you ever choose to study psychology you'd find that your question has a lot more merit to it than you might think it does. life experiences can impact us permanently even if we're below the age of 2. traumatic shit that happened to you as a baby actually can affect you permanently, even if you don't end up remembering any of it
to answer your question, yeah im circumcised but it happened when i was like 3 or 4. i actually remember it too. i had no idea what was going on, and everyone was ignoring me when i asked. felt like i was a lab animal or something lol. weird experience
>>33305976
>Oh yeah advice. I wish I knew lol
sound, just knowing im not alone helps almost as much so don't worry. your post hit close to home. cheers man
>>33305990
i actually was on meds. following my suicide attempt, i was prescribed zoloft which i stayed on for like 5 years. it saved my life and did wonders for my OCD, but the suicidal background noise in my head remained. i don't think it's a chemical thing. i grew up with an abusive father, and that's why the suicidal thoughts began when i was so young. besides, SSRIs can be a godsend for OCD (and potentially anxiety) but in regards to everything else, all they do is numb your emotions - it's a bandaid solution, and i don't think they actually truly do much for depression or anxiety in the long run. that was my experience, at least.
>>33306241
fellow OCD haver. i had the exact same experience. as i said above, i don't think SSRIs are an actual solution when it comes to depression or anxiety - but they're a godsend when it comes to OCD. i struggled with pure O and it was absolutely debilitating. zoloft saved my life. it eventually began to do more harm than good, and im glad i dont take it anymore - but i have to give it credit for allowing me to actually tackle and manage my OCD to the point where i barely meet the diagnostic criteria today.

>>33306396
i appreciate that you see the merit in why i asked that question! i was actually the last post you replied to here, too, so it's crazy that we both also struggled with OCD and credit zoloft with helping us mitigate and learn to manage it. a kindred spirit in this world if ever there was one. i hope you have a great day, anon. also, make sure you stay cool! people who've taken SSRI's are often more susceptible to heat stroke. i do not love the summer time. lol