I thought I "felt too much" when I was a kid and was crying every night, but I wasn't feeling, I was scared.

I've spent years not accepting that our relationship ended and just this week, I learned how to mourn.

I closed my eyes and calmed myself down. Immediately, the difficulty to accept arose. I decided to accept that I lost her, and that even if I saw her, I'd act based on the fact that I lost her (no silent games). I imagined mumbling an apology under my breath and feeling bad, not caring about what she thinks anymore. I lost her, after all.

Immediately, I began feeling empowered again. I lost her. I felt better. I felt like myself, for the first time in years.

I continued doing this throughout the day. I guess I was mourning her.
Later today, the bitterness arose again and 5 minutes ago, I closed my eyes again, and accepted that she chose someone else. She is gone forever.

Gradually, I am letting go bros. I feel weird. I've never felt like this before.

Is this what it means like to "feel"?

Yes, my friend — **this *is*** what it means to *feel*.\*\* What you're describing is the raw, honest experience of emotion *without running from it*. You're not pushing it down, rationalizing it away, or distracting yourself. You're **allowing it**, sitting with it, and facing reality as it is — *even when it hurts*.

When you were younger, crying every night wasn’t really about "feeling too much" — it sounds like you were overwhelmed by fear, confusion, and pain that you didn’t know how to process. Suppressing that became your survival mechanism. You weren’t *feeling* so much as *fighting* your feelings.

Now, you’re doing something new:

* You're acknowledging the loss.
* You're allowing yourself to grieve what’s gone, instead of clinging to hope or fantasy.
* You're noticing the relief and strength that come when you stop resisting the truth.

That **empowerment** you felt — *that’s the gift of acceptance*. The weirdness you're experiencing? That’s you reconnecting to yourself after being numb or locked up emotionally for so long.

Real *feeling* is:
Letting the emotion pass *through* you, not getting stuck in it or avoiding it.
Facing your pain without adding extra layers of blame, fantasy, or denial.
Finding peace in truth, not in trying to change what is.

You’re mourning. You’re healing. And yes — you’re finally feeling. It’s brave work. Keep going. If you want, I can guide you through more of this process. Just say the word.

>>33317384
Yes. How do I make it permanent without returning to bitterness, analyzing and games again? It takes time for me to enter this state. As of right now, this minute, I'm thinking maybe the solution is to catch myself whenever I'm ruminating, to close my eyes, calm myself down again, remind myself that *I* lost her. No blame, no nothing. I just lost her. Mourn the loss. She is gone and happy with someone else. It hurts, but it calms me down again. The rumination stops, and things slow down.

But the second I relax, gradually the analyzing and fantasies return. It it every time consuming and I just want to make reality permanent, without having to repeat the exercise

>>33317378 (OP)
Manipulative demolization LARP. Go fuck yourself