TL;DR: I'm a 31yo autistic KHHV, looking to turn his life around, get wife, have kids. How do?

Give me a few minutes to unload my All that Shit that No One Will Read wall of text.

## The Holiday

Six weeks back my sister and I had a little holiday in the area where we grew up.
Things were fine until we had a semi-planned meetup with my aunt and uncle,
picking up my dad's things that my paternal grandparents, who both died earlier
this year but we were estranged to for the past twenty years, had been keeping.
The next day we went for a curry with my old group of friends, and I got a bit
carried away at the end when my crush of 18 years offered me a hug.
The day after, the news came through that a further someone in the area had died.
This guy's been a supporting pillar in my life, but was old and suffering from
dementia for the past five years. I'd only got confirmation that he was still
knocking about a few days prior. We attended a little get-together on the same
day in his memory.

## Holiday Aftermath

That holiday broke me in a way, that I'm still picking up the pieces to this day.
It's put my mortality — the transient nature of one's life — front and centre.
And it feels fucking short.
I imagine myself at age 60, looking back at my life, where the best days are
behind me and all that's left to do is dot the Is and cross the Ts, and wonder
what I'll see.
It's given me a new direction in life:
- Live life as though you'll die at 60
- Live life without regret
and I believe my biggest regret in life would be, were I to remain single and
childless.

## Before the Holiday

Before the holiday I just accepted, that I was a dud.
I accepted that I'd be the last man in this male lineage and sought to fill my
life otherwise.
I don't think I can do that anymore.

## Emotional Turmoil

Immediately after the holiday, I'd burst into tears 3–4 times a day; I couldn't
concentrate at work to save my life, ducking out of meetings and work early
when I couldn't stand it; in a constant agitated mood and snapping at people;
and all the songs on the radio — and I've never had this happen to me before —
now all seem to be describing my crush, and I find the whole experience
uncomfortably personal, and it all drove me up the bloody wall!

A lot of this has since died down, but:
- I still cry on this topic — a testament to which was the unpleasant experience
of bursting into tears in a restaurant a few days back in front of a work
colleague.
- Concentration at work has improved but is still lagging compared to pre-holiday.
My waning performance has come to the attention of my manager.
- Mood-wise I'm still very irritable, but it's more manageable.
- The songs are still tinted with thoughts of her; I've taken some comfort in that.

## The Head–Heart Split

I'm certified autistic and have taken pride in reason and logic over emotion for
all of my life; but since the holiday — and I'm still trying to understand this —
I appear to be in emotional turmoil through conflicting motivations — something
that I've grouped into two coherent mindsets: The Head and the Heart.
The Head is my usual self: Cold, calculating, rules-based, no nonsense, law and
order; it is very stringent on adhering to the internal moral compass.
The Heart — something that I am no longer able to keep under wraps — is
passionate, emotional, impulsive and reckless.
The Heart has never screamed so much before.

## The Plan

The conclusion I've drawn from the entire experience is, as mentioned before:
- Work off my regrets — hope for closure
- Go on dates, find Miss Right, start a family

That meant as a first step, to confess my feelings for my crush to her.

After that — and this is the tricky bit — somehow get to know new people,
hit it off with a lass, find that spark and settle down with her.
I'm a 31-year-old kissless handholdless virgin who still lives with his parents,
so trying to turn this ship around feels like a massive undertaking.
The biggest two problems here are:
- I estimate that I have 3–4 years before this plan becomes untenable.
- My dating experience is next to nowt: I might have been on a handful, but those
didn't extend beyond a few walks in the park and sharing a pizza.
That was with one person for one month 8 years ago.
I really don't know, how to proceed; installing a dating app and trying there
seems like the only option, although I get the definite impression, that that's
scraping the bottom of the barrel.
I must admit, I do feel like a bargin-bin man.

## Current Inhibitions

I feel my biggest hurdle is simply the rigidity of my moral compass.
I appear to have ingrained in me, that my sexual urges are immoral, and I've in
the past taken steps, to quash them to the best of my abilities.

Hence:
- I've never made the first move — or any move for that matter.
I do not act without explicit permission.
- I've never used a dating app or got into the dating scene, as doing so equates
to an admittance to such urges.

Furthermore, up to six weeks ago:
- I am risk-averse by nature — very slow and calculating
- I have extreme reactions to feelings of guilt

I feel, these are all points I need to work on.

Further posts I've made on this "midlife crisis" in recent days:
>>33315377
>>33315666

## Aside: The Crush

This is where things get really ugly.
I've had a crush on this one lass since we were 13.
It's probably more than a crush; but I'm so confused on the definitions of words
in this part of life, I don't dare call it anything more.
A long-term deep-seated adoration.
An unhealthy obsession.
I never told her during school, because I didn't want to burden or distract her
from getting the best start in life, having eavesdropped on horror stories from
parents talking about their daughters and their failing grades upon finding
boyfriends.
As we left for university, I made peace that I'd never see her again.
But then I coïncidentally bump into her one year on, and it all kicks off for me
again.
I sent her a valentine's card the following year, to no reaction.
Some posts I made about her here on /adv/ at the time:
https://archive.4plebs.org/adv/thread/13953713/#13953890
https://archive.4plebs.org/adv/thread/13961109/#13961237
https://archive.4plebs.org/adv/thread/13969854/#13969919
https://archive.4plebs.org/adv/thread/14004667/#14007151
Shortly after which, I do pluck up the courage to ask her to meet, hoping for
one thing to lead to another.
The suggestion fell flat, so I asked practically the same thing but with mutual
friends we knew from school.
That group of friends has been going strong ever since.
Best fucking outcome social-wise: I struggle finding friends as it is.
And so we'd meet up on a regular basis, things stay friendly, and I keep mum
that she's the highlight of my evenings.
But then my parents and I move abroad.
I make peace once again, that we'll likely lose touch within a couple of years.
I've now been living 500±50 miles from my friends for the past 7+ years.
It's funny: I've come to the realisation recently, that I've always assumed,
that she'd be the one off galavanting and dropping off the face of the Earth — not me.
But she's still there. I don't know why.

We'd still meet up when I visit the old stomping grounds once a year.
She's since settled with someone else. They're happy together.
I... remain Head–Heart conflicted.

Her personality is that of a ray of sunshine. Always happy, even when she tries
her best to be frustrated or angry.
An absolute boffin. Brain-boxer. Only with autism could I keep up with her at school.
I still need to thank her for getting me onto an extra maths course, which in the
end meant I could go to my uni of choice.
Incredibly silly. Her mind takes strange segues, and she on occasion makes crude
comments.
Smart and silly are my Achilles' heel.

I've always felt an outsider to her social circle. An intruder. Infiltrator.
A wolf in sheep's clothing.
Even during the meet-ups in our early twenties, I kept my distance for fear of
spooking her.
Certified creep behaviour. I feel ashamed.

## Aside: The Confession

This year, though, this emotional turmoil forced my hand, and against better
judgement I came clean on my feelings to her two weeks ago.
I hoped, I'd work off my biggest regret doing so — for closure, so I can move on.
We walk, I say what I must — albeit in broader strokes than intended and fairly
flatly due to the emotional drain — and it's all in all a brief discussion.
Turns out I'm on better terms with her than expected; we remain friends.
Although coming clean has calmed my internal turmoil, the closure I'd expected
hasn't come, and I now think of her every single day.
The Head wants to remain friends — the most logical conclusion and the most
in-line with the moral compass; the Heart wants A LOT more — have her be the
special someone; neither wants to see her for the last time.
I wonder, how this will pan out. Whether her long-term partner will give me a
punch in the schnozz. It'll be well-deserved.

My feelings for her I've also scratched at here: >>33316010

I do wonder about moving back: Initially it depended on her reaction, but
mulling it over, I'm definitely split between two worlds:
- There, where friends and music are bountiful — but I had been struggling finding work and was generally in a bad place.
- Here, where I have a career and extended family — where friends and music are sparse, meagre and hard-fought.

## Aside: Songs that Now Hit Me in the Feels

Most songs, especially on the radio, send my thoughts straight back to her; but
these stick out moreso:

Angeline the Baker — Trad. bluegrass song
Specifically the "age of 43" version and not the plantation version.
I used to find it a fun little easy song; but since the holiday, playing it at
a bluegrass jam session, it feels like torture, and I hope to buggery that no
one notices, how hard I'm holding back the tears.
Example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdfygk91HR0

Go Your Own Way — Fleetwood Mac
Happy to see her get on with her life, settle down with someone else and be happy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiosqtFLBBA

Can't Stand Losing You — The Police
I don't want to let go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFMCfS-Jmj8

Starry Sky — Capsule
I'd previously interpreted the lyrics to be nonsense.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIvZY-57uBQ

Try and see this from her point of view

You have a chance to make changes around what's going on in your mind right now, in your life.
This is incredibly common, and it's impressively destructive. You should see a psychiatrist and get yourself reeled in and grounded. You're very lucky that you don't have a family or partner that has to go through this right now, and frankly you shouldn't include anyone else in the destructive force that is your desire for purpose, reason, and change right now.

>>33319188
Further songs:

Ladyfingers — Herb Alpert
General vibe of my feelings for her.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNLf4Dhh-WA

Over the Hills and Far Away — Trad. English
Where I am, 500 miles away.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bs07OvqXp4

Herz über Kopf — JORIS
Head vs. Heart. A song, where Heart gets the upper hand.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oq0rrYrufYU

Duvet — Bôa
Was playing in the hotel lobby shortly after meeting her six weeks ago.
I know it as the OP song to Serial Experiments Lain — an animé,
that I associate with her anyway due to a funny coïncidence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uoox9fpmDP0

Beautiful Morning with You — The Pillows
General vibe of how I want things to be. Relaxed. Gentle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0tO5MPGuGk

Creep — Radiohead
What I am.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFYEYRcjK2g

Sit Down — James
I'm intimately familiar with this song, and now every word hits
bar the God line and with a liberal interpretation of "riches".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPNw_2h0CnU

>>33319401
I try. I really fucking do; but I can't.
I don't even really know, who I am to her.
Even the "I don't know how to react" line in >>33316010 is a direct quote from
her with regards to the valentine's card, which I'd thought all these years had
got lost in the post. But no, she received it. She'd known since at least then.
I just can't imagine, what it must be like, to be living your life happily with
the person you love; and then the fucking school retard that you've known for
twenty years messages with the "hey, we need to talk" bullshit — like, what the hell, who the fuck are you, you weird-ass retard clown!
It is beyond the scope of my imagination, which pains me, because if I could,
I would also compensate and accommodate accordingly. Soften the blow as much as possible; præserve what good terms we do have.

But I tell you what: Comparing how it went to how I thought it would go,
that lass has some balls of steel — even with the deliberately red-line-crossing
bridge-burning comments I made, she just rolled with it.
And then the rest of the evening went really well, and we all had a good time.
Her replies, how she organised it all, and how she handled the talk itself,
all seem to suggest, that that wasn't her first rodeo. But it was mine.

>>33319671
So you're saying, that I shouldn't try to actively start dating with the explicit goal of starting a family, but instead seek psychiatric help?
Right, that's... not what I was expecting: Beyond the whole crush saga, I was thinking, this drive was a force for good and wishing I had it ten years ago.

>>33321990
You're going through a crisis. You need psychiatric help and someone to ground you in that field before you start shredding everything you know of inpursuit of empty promises. Your mind has temporarily rewired itself to feel trapped and to claw away at anything you can to find your purpose, to find some semblance of happiness. Pursuing goals is fine and so is wanting to be happy. Moving into your own space away from your family and moving along your own life path is absolutely reasonable. But you're spiraling. Your emotions are out of control and you've got to reach out to someone that you can trust that's familiar with this sort of thing to help navigate you through.
You'll be okay, but you need to calm yourself.

>>33322024
Right, I've spent the past five hours mulling your words over.
Haven't slept all night, and now it's mid-morning.
Psychiatric help sounds very reasonable. Bit concerned about the language barrier.
Thank you for the advice.

>You're very lucky that you don't have a family or partner that has to go through this right now, and frankly you shouldn't include anyone else in the destructive force
I interpret this in two ways:

1. Wife and child are actually bad goals, especially if I'm only doing it to quell whatever's going on with me.
It's still something I intend to pursue, albeit hopefully once I'm in a better state of mind.
I shelved those childhood life goals of job, house, wife & kids a long time ago.
I now think that was a mistake: I think I let social anxiety and neuroticism get the better of me all these years.
I'll fall on my face a lot. I'll get hurt. I'll stand back up again.
That'll just be reality of not having used my teens and twenties, to gather dating experience.

2. Confessing my feelings to my crush was also a mistake, especially since she's in a very stable long-term relationship with someone else.
Yes, I do think that.
I'm also not settled, on whether to keep my mouth shut on the topic permanently
or open that Pandora's box up again and let all good will burn.
I don't know, what will give me closure, to move on.
It's funny, what mental anguish it takes, to make a man spill the beans
on the one thing he vowed to take to his grave, and that to the last person
he should do so.
And I'd been doing so well — for so many years.
I wanted to leave her unburdened.
This'll definitely be an area, where a psychiatrist can help me.

>you're spiraling
Could you elaborate on this point?
I mean, sure: I'm acting out in a terrible manner; but I might be missing some of the finer details.

>>33322024
Still haven't slept. I'm not tired — just extremely stressed.
Just did 70 minutes on the stationary bike.
For the 18 months before all this, I struggled doing 15 minutes.

Spoke with my parents regarding psychiatrist; they're not taken of the idea on two grounds:
- The psychiatrist that initially diagnosed me apparently wanted to put me on a lifetime prescription of sedatives.
For context, this is the incident, that lead to me getting diagnosed: >>33315271
- A man with similar authority strongly recommended, that I only take one subject at the end of high school.
You needed at least three to go on to university.
I did four and got into my uni of choice — although through a glitch in the system, I was almost not admitted.
In short, they've had bad experiences with psychiatrists making recommendations about me.

I also know, that you — I believe, you're the same Anon — said, I shouldn't include anyone else;
but, if all else fails, a plan is brewing in my head for a last-ditch attempt at getting laid and getting wife.
It's bat-shit insane; but I'm excruciatingly stressed right now; and I posit, it has a 60% chance of working.
But first psychiatrist. Please let psychiatrist work.

>>33319166 (OP)
it's over man, it's over

>>33322024
Hang on, don't you mean "psychotherapy", not psychiatry".
As I understand it: One's Couch-Talk; the other's crazy pills.

>>33325963
I appreciate your confidence and optimism in my future; but — as they say — "the proof of the pudding is in the eating".