We found a kitten on June 13. She was in bad shape, but we did everything we could to help her get healthy. She was a beautiful calico-tabby mix.

I'm 18. On the evening of July 4, around 5:30 p.m., I was going upstairs to put away groceries. I felt something under my foot but didn’t process it until I turned around and saw her tumbling down the stairs. I froze. Then I saw blood pouring from her ears and eyes, and I realized she was dying. I screamed until my parents rushed over.

My mom loved the kitten deeply. My dad picked her up and took her outside so we wouldn’t have to see her like that. But my mom and I stayed on the stairs, surrounded by blood. Hearing my mom scream and cry was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.

I feel so incredibly guilty. I understand now how people carry the weight of accidents, even if unintentional. It took 15 minutes before we could even move. I helped my mom wash her hands, gave her water, and called my grandparents. I tried hugging her, but I felt like I didn’t deserve to.

My dad told me not to clean up the blood, but my mom asked me to because she couldn’t handle seeing it. I understood. I got cleaning supplies and started scrubbing everything. Every few minutes, I’d break down again. The blood was everywhere, on the door, walls, stairs, outside. My dad told me to stop, but I couldn’t. I felt like it was my fault, and they didn’t deserve to see what I had caused.

They keep saying it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t believe that. I can barely look my mom in the eyes. I just want to hide. What made it worse was hearing fireworks and kids laughing outside while our world was falling apart.

Later, I took some of my mom’s Xanax and slept for 15 hours. But nothing seems to help. The kitten wasn’t even a month old. And I feel like a terrible person. I don't know how to handle this

>>33321173 (OP)
Give youself some time, don't rush things. Don't expect the pain to leave quickly, but it will after sone time. Talk to your relatives and friends about your feelings. And give the kitten a funeral, so you can let him go in peace and honour.

i have like 13 kittens and they run up and down the stairs all day even at night when there's no light but i've never stepped on one because i'm careful not to. little lives are fragile so you need to be extra careful and aware. just take it as a life lesson.

that being said the fault isn't yours alone. you're not really supposed to let kittens roam around the house but rather confine them to a room until they get older.

it doesn't really matter though, in this wide world life means nothing. millions of innocent livestock get slaughtered each day so people can eat their goysteak and npcburgers, people starve to death, atrocities periodically ravage the globe. that stuff probably doesn't bother you, but the life of 1 kitten does just because it was yours. so just realize this guilt you feel is very arbitrary and biased, and then move on.

>>33321173 (OP)
It is what is.

>>33321173 (OP)
Taking away a life you didn't intend to is one of the cruel parts of life no one quite knows how to deal with. You got lucky it wasn't a human being, and I'm not saying that to diminish the importance of the kitten to you and your family. It's normal to feel guilt over this, and it's probably not going to go away any time soon. I believe people in situations like yours still deserve the human right for pity and empathy, so when you really hate yourself, keep in mind that there's someone out there who wouldn't hate your entire existence for this action.

Don't perform any pointless unhinged acts of martyrdom or punishment on yourself. Not only does it not help anyone, does not help the life now lost, it overall just creates more chaos and uncertainty in the world. And if you actually hurt yourself, this will create more pain for your parents, who, even if they might feel some degree of resentment, likely still love you, because that's how parents are, and one act of recklessness does not cancel out the years' worth of experiences you've had together. You still have a right to live a full and happy life, even if you don't feel like you deserve to at the moment, and being unnecessarily harsh on yourself is going to make it harder.

(1/2)

>>33321343
What you should do is find something productive to channel your feeling of extreme inadequacy into. Something you can dedicate yourself to, and do it for the sake of that lost life. After someone has brought pain to this world, it's natural to want to bring something good into this world to make up for it, and you will probably feel that urge at some point. You need to be careful in how you choose it, it has to be something you don't hate (you wouldn't want to be stuck doing a miserable task only motivated by guilt). And if you stick to it, one day, after time has washed away some of the pain, you will manage to feel like you've done something good that makes up for at least some part of your guilt.

Like I said, there's a silver lining that it wasn't a human being. With animals, there's a tried-and-true way to somewhat diminish the pain and guilt a little. Months or years will pass, you will mourn, and you or your family might get the courage to get another cat. You will treat it with the care it deserves, hard-taught by experience, and it will help you somewhat make amends in your mind. Again, this might sound sacrilegious to you right now, but I'm not saying that this will fully replace the lost kitten for you, or that you will or should ever forget about her. For better or for worse, this is now forever a part of your life experience, and this will shape the kind of person you will become. But channeling your guilt into caring for another life or doing something helpful that makes someone happy is a good way to keep living a life in circumstances like yours, or at least one of the better ways. But like I said, try to not let this experience make you too harsh on yourself. You still have a right to live, and one day you will hopefully feel like it again. I'm sorry for your kitten, may she rest in peace.

(2/2)

You didn't do it with malice in your heart, but you did do it. This is a pivotal moment in your life that you'll never forget.

Go out and volunteer at an animal shelter, bring joy and love to these creatures and defend them when you see them being mistreated. You can't undo what's been done, but you can atone by doing more good.