>>33328295 (OP)
Why?

>>33328295 (OP)
are you suicidal?

>>33328367
i posted 2 different things about some things that have happened to me. theyve both been archived on here tho, not familiar with 4chan too much so idk if linking them here would work or not. or i could just copy what i wrote

>>33328381
Yeah you could link to archivepleb or copy

>>33328384
ill have to break it into parts,idk how many. might also step away after posting to calm down.

I've known this guy since November 2023. We started off as friends, bonding over hating someone else. He started asking for nudes, saying it didn’t matter if they looked bad. I was 16. He was 18. He’d make comments like “when you’re 18, I’ll have you on camera,” and I’d laugh it off because I don’t even facetime people I know irl. But over time, he found ways to take control. Logged into my Apple ID. Took control of my PC. Saved everything I had. Read my private messages. Forced me on camera, naked, sexually humiliated me. I couldn't hide anything from him even if I wanted to.
He always acted like it was okay because he “liked fat girls.” Like, I wouldn’t talk to you if I didn’t like fat girls. That line stuck with me. I clung to it. It made me think, okay, maybe he loves me in his own way and im too insecure to accept it.
This year I used to be almost 50 pounds heavier. I’ve lost some I'm 5'5" and 163 lbs now. Not perfect, I know it’s still bad. Then recently, I had another call with him. He called me fat.I got sad, and he said not to be, that he likes me because I'm fat. Then he said I should be 120 lbs. Then he changed it, said even that’s “too much.” That I should be 100 lbs. It felt like a joke. I’ve been aiming for 140–150, which is healthy, according to BMI. But he made it sound like unless I disappear into skin and bones, I’ll never be good enough.
Then he brought up my boobs. Said even if I lost all the weight, they’d sag. That I’d look ruined. But it didn’t matter because I “have a cute face and a good personality.” Like that makes up for all the other things he tore apart. The worst part is, I’ve been plateaued at 160–165 lbs for over a month. Just recently started dropping again. I didn’t share every little update, but that doesn’t mean he gets to tear me down like that.

>>33328477
He’s 6’5” and under 110 lbs. underweight. I told him that, and he just said, “I’m neither skinny nor fat.” That says everything about the way he sees bodies. Additional context is that he has diagnosed ASPD
This past week everything just got worse.
On June 13, we found a kitten. She was sick, barely a month old. But we did everything we could to help her get healthy. She was beautiful a little calico tabby mix. My mom adored her. She was part of our family instantly.
Then on July 4, around 5:30 p.m., I was going upstairs to put away groceries. I felt something under my foot but didn’t process it until I turned around and saw her tumbling down the stairs. Then blood from her ears, her nose, her eyes. I froze. I screamed. My parents ran over. My dad picked her up and took her outside so we wouldn’t have to see her dying. But my mom and I just sat there. On the stairs. Surrounded by blood.
Her screaming I can still hear it. It was one of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard. She was devastated.
Everyone keeps telling me it wasn’t my fault. But I can’t believe that. My dad told me not to clean up the blood, but my mom asked me to because she couldn’t bear to see it. So I did. I grabbed cleaning supplies and started scrubbing. It was on the walls, stairs, the door, even outside. Every few minutes I’d collapse crying, but I kept going. Because it felt like the only thing I could do. I felt like a monster.
That night, I took one of my mom’s Xanax and slept for 15 hours. But it didn’t make anything better. She wasn’t even a month old. And I feel like I killed her.
And when I told him about it? He didn’t comfort me. He blamed me. Harassed me. Said cruel things. Then unadded me. Which might sound like relief, but it’s not. It’s a tactic. He always does it to mess with my head. To make me spiral. It’s never over when he disappears, it’s worse.

>>33328488
final part
I feel like I’m losing it. I have no one to talk to. Anyone who might help is always too busy, too far away, or too overwhelmed themselves. I know I shouldn’t need him. I know he’s toxic. But part of me still feels wired to him. I freak out when he’s gone too long. I crave the tiniest bit of kindness from him, even though I know it’s fake. I switch on him all the time, and he does the same to me. It’s sick.
I don’t know if I have BPD or if I’m just broken. I don’t trust my own thoughts anymore. I just know that I’m tired. That everything hurts. That I feel like I ruin everything I touch, my body, my relationships, even the life of something as small and innocent as a kitten.
I know this probably reads like a mess. But It’s my brain right now. Im contemplating actually getting real help now because I feel like I’m going crazy I’ve been isolating myself and screaming at the top of my lungs whenever I’m home alone. I’m crying constantly. Things like watching videos, music, cleaning, walking, etc aren’t helping me to cope anymore. Weed only goes so far as well.
Also if something doesnt seem right or it seems like im blowing things out of proportion there are lots of side stories and other things ive been through but I cant write about everything and obviously no one is sitting down to read an 18 yo girls traumadumping.

block the cunt
what the hell are you doing, engaging with this creep

what happened with the cat really sucks, I'd need to talk and cry about it - but a psych ward is excessive
you could talk to someone you know, call a helpline, or just walk into the ER and ask to talk to a psychologist

>>33328295 (OP)
psych wards are only for when you're a danger to yourself or others. If you are not, you should not be there. It's an expensive jail, it is not for healing.

>>33328295 (OP)
not really but it can be a nice vacation depending on your quality of life

>>33328295 (OP)
psychiatric day care hospital is what you should get. The psych wards is often full of schizos, bpd demons and self harm fags that are kept there in order to not kill themselves or others. Which means it's more of a prison than helpful. Once they are stable enough they move to day care where they actually try to deal with your issues

>November 2023
>I was 16
OP is underage. For starters you shouldn't be browsing this place because it's a complete cesspit. If you're still in highschool get in touch with your guidance counselor or whatever to see if there's youth therapy services you can use. Also block and cut ties with that guy, he's clearly a groomer weirdo and you know it. Generally, psych wards are mostly for ensuring you're not an immediate danger to yourself, not for longer care support like you need but YMMV

>>33329166
i have a history of self harm but i dont really do it anymore. my suicidal ideation disappeared for a good period of time but its been bad for like a good 3 months now.
>>33329306
im not underage. im 18.
after thinking, yea a psych ward isnt a good choice for me ill probably settle with something like a psychiatrist but ive tried in the past with parents 'help' to get one and it doesnt stick.

>>33328477
>November 2023
>I was 16.
Doesn't this mean you're still only 17?

>>33330087
like i said above im 18. i have been since the start of the year.

>>33330114
But the math doesn't add up for that. 16 in Nov/23 means 17 in Nov/24, which means 18 in Nov/25, which is still 4 months away.

>>33330162

>>33328488
>He’s 6’5” and under 110 lbs. underweight.
That's more than underweight. At that height and weight, he's likely on the verge of death. That's malnourished/anorexia tier. The fuck is wrong with you to find a fucking walking skeleton attractive? You are mentally ill, holy shit. Just kys

>>33330186
No, you fucking moron, if you're 16 in November 2023, then the earliest OP could be 18 would be in November of 2025. Learn to count and do basic math, you retarded faggot.

>>33330197
Why the fuck are you calling someone a fucking moron when YOU clearly can't do basic math?
If OP was 16 in November 2023, she could have turned 17 in December 2023 or January 2024. 1 year later, she'd be 18. Never correct anyone again when you clearly have a double-digit IQ. In fact, just KYS, fucking idiot.

>>33330197

>>33328295 (OP)
You certainly need professional, medical help. Actually being admitted to hospital is probably not the best solution: that's appropriate if you are actively suicidal (i.e. making actual attempts at suicide), or if you're a danger to other people, or if you are actually psychotic or so manic that you might unintentionally harm yourself.

If you're simply unable to cope, then being treated outside hospital is probably a better solution. But you do need to talk to your doctor ASAP.

>>33328477
>I've known this guy since November 2023.
You also need to cut that guy out of your life COMPLETELY. Change all your passwords, then block him absolutely EVERYWHERE and call the police if he ever tries to approach you in person. (I'm not exaggerating). Men like this are incredibly damaging.

>>33328493
>I don’t know if I have BPD
It's possible. People with ASPD actively seek out people with BPD because they are particularly vulnerable to being manipulated and controlled. All the more reason to avoid that guy.

As regards your weight, you do eventually need to lose a little bit more, but there's absolutely no rush about that. With a BMI of 27 you won't damage your health for a while yet. In the *long* term, get yourself below 150 pounds, and you'll be okay health-wise. If you think you look better at 135, that won't damage you either, but it's not needed for health reasons, and I definitely wouldn't try to go any lower than that.

>>33328295 (OP)
>I want to go to prison and get poisoned by government psychos
but why?