Fiance is stonewalling me again, hasn't done so for a long time but now that there's a ring on her finger she thinks my boundaries can be broken. We played this song and dance before, she didn't talk to me for 2 months and I downloaded Tinder, only stopped when she told me her friend saw me on there and she broke down crying asking how I could do that to her. I told her if she ever stonewalled me again I'd leave, I'm not playing games with my heart and she knows communication is huge for me because of my shitty childhood.

The more I look into her behaviour the more it lines up with covert narcissism, it all clicks together. Doesn't matter how hard I work, how kind or generous I am with her, how much I do around our home, it's all expected. I've lost years of birthdays, Christmases and other holidays trying to make her feel special just to get the bare minimum, enough to placate me in return.

When she's good she's great, months of good honest communication through collaboration we've built a good life together, she's pretty, smart, and leveling up her degree while I grind through my apprenticeship, her family loves me and mine loves her; she's capable of being my equal instead of my responsibility and shows it time and time again; then out of nowhere she gets mad over something, doesn't talk to me about it and gives me the silent treatment until shit boils over. Nobody knows me better and I know her inside out, but it feels like she takes advantage of that to hurt me when she gets like this and that betrayal is the worst part .

Is this resolvable? What can I do? I'm going to tell her flat out that if she's not going to talk to me I'm leaving her, but is there any options I can give to make this communication I need easier for her to deliver?

>>33329446 (OP)
stonewalling is a defense against narcissists. and from the way you write it does sound like it's you. maybe you both are jerks but my advice for you is to get couple therapy because whatever is going on is above this place's paygrade

Why don't you talk to her about this instead of retards on 4chan?

>>33329446 (OP)
You're going to feel like shit when you find out your fiancee is actually a high-functioning female autist and that her 'stonewalling' was involuntary selective mutism. And that you had taken it as a deliberate and calculated actions on her party and in your self-absorbed anger, motioned to cheat on her by using tinder

>>33329462
>stonewalling is a defense against narcissists. and from the way you write it does sound like it's you. maybe you both are jerks but my advice for you is to get couple therapy because whatever is going on is above this place's paygrade

It's difficult to fit years of relationship ztruggles into a post so I'm bound to look like an asshat here, but thank you for being honest about your view.

Stonewalling can be a defence against narcissists, but also one of their greatest tools. She utilizes it as a method to elicit a reaction from me and to stir up fear and confusion because she knows I was abused/neglected as a child. The uncertainty drives me crazy and she uses that to punish me for things I didn't even understand made her upset.

I understand I'm definitely not without blame here and have made serious errors in our relationship in the past, but I can hardly begin to summarize the ways I've busted my ass to make amends for that. I'd be a hypocrite to disregard my own narcissistic traits, but I've put a lot of work into overcoming them.

I've changed the way I present conflict for the better to try to make it more comfortable for her to address, but it hasn't changed things. I've done a lot of soul searching to recognize and fix the shitty behaviors I picked up in my less than stellar childhood (IE Machiavellian traits) and work past them, so while I'm far from perfect I do put a conscious effort into being better than my nature dictates.

I've tried to get her to go to therapy with me a few times but she's never taken me up on it, we've had long conversations about expectations and what we want out of our life together and while she understands what I need and how to do so she refuses to follow through with it.

>>33329492
I've tried friend, and plan to try again.

>>33329525
Even if it was autism she'd have the autonomy to *try* to find a solution, I'd be patient as I have been. That being said she's either incredible at masking or neurotypical.

>>33329747
i ain't reading all that shit professor. if that's how you communicate with her i'm surprised she didn't leave you already. brevity is the soul of wit but you my friend have no soul and need professional assistance

You are being emotionally abused by a damaged individual. Advocating for an anon to break up his marriage would be an evil thing, but I would be worried if I were you.

>>33329747
What would happen if you stonewalled back? Would you guys just go through months without her reaching out

>>33329446 (OP)
>she didn't talk to me for 2 months and I downloaded Tinder, only stopped when she told me her friend saw me on there and she broke down crying asking how I could do that to her. I told her if she ever stonewalled me again I'd leave, I'm not playing games with my heart and she knows communication is huge for me because of my shitty childhood.
You are an abusive piece of shit. Please die in a fire.

>>33329912
I tried before, she didn't talk to me for 2 months and scowled at me whenever I was in the same room so I thought we were done and downloaded tinder. Shitty thing to do I know but someone hating your guts for 2 months straight without saying a word to you doesn't leave you in a good state of mind when you already have deeply rooted abandonment and neglect issues.

>>33329964
Definitely a shitty move and I don't disagree, it was abusive and I regret it deeply. I've had years to try to atone, I've been through hell and high water since have really turned myself around.

>>33329797
I'm definitely no saint myself, but thank you for acknowledging that I'm not alone in the blame here. I know she's capable of moving past her own shitty upbringing and it's not her fault that she learned to be this way from her parents, but it eats me up when I try to be better for her and she uses the things I trusted her with to hurt me.

Woman does woman thing. Wow. So surprised.
Move on and go mgtow. Think with your big head for once bro.

>covert narcissism
sounds like she has ADHD anon. it's terrible. she needs medication. no she won't get better.

>>33330026
I think then you should try couple's counceling and if it isn't a mutual thing then leave. There's probably too much resentment between you too at this point

>>33329462
>stonewalling is a defense against narcissists
Stonewalling is also a tool used by narcissists

>>33329446 (OP)
Why even were you with such a woman in the first place?