from around 11-17 the only romantic or sexual relationships i ever had were with men online who were mainly in their 30s. i should have blocked them and went outside but i was a lonely autistic bullied child and wanted male attention. i knew what was going on, i knew what grooming and sa and cp was but i didn't care so i am partly to blame for this.

i didn't realise how badly it affected me until i turned 20 and now:
>can only cum while reading shota/loli stories
>can only cum if i am imagining myself as the person being abused
>cannot even get aroused if the last two factors aren't present
>can't speak to people my age unless we have addiction in common
>can't have normal relationships with older men
>i want them to be obsessed with me and manipulate me
>have regular nightmares about what happened
>i constantly fantasise about what happened and either get suicidal with guilt or horny
>i try and relive the experience with random guys online but its not the same
>i am in my early 20's but very childlike
>stalk the social media profiles of the guys who i used to speak to
>cannot envision myself in a relationship without a weird age/power dynamic

i feel like a disgusting monster.

is there any hope to make me normal or should i settle with an oldfag and relive my trauma until it doesn't affect me anymore? i want to try quitting porn but idk how much that would help when other areas of my life are fucked because of this, not just sex. i want to be normal but im scared my brain is permanently warped. is there any coming back from something like this?

Robert if you are reading this, please come back i miss you.

>>33330536 (OP)
What bad thing even happened to you? You posted underage nudes for creeps?

>>33330536 (OP)
>men online who were mainly in their 30s. i should have blocked them and went outside but i was a lonely autistic bullied child and wanted male attention.
there were no guys your age online?

>>33330555
i was purposefully unspecific to avoid people getting off on it but oh well would have happened anyways.

pretty much yeah. they blackmailed me into doing horrible stuff like sticking things up my ass and urethra, public masturbation and getting me into bdsm/s&m.

>>33330572
none that could effectively fake interest towards me

>>33330573
Okay I understand now. I see why you would think that is disgusting but also kind of erotic. I dont think you are a monster or stupid for doing these things. Sometimes we get caught in a rush of validation especially when sex is involved. I really do believe the best way for younto heal is to forgive yourself and never return to these kinds of behavior and try to have normal relationships. Really even you can appreciate the fact you experimented with being a free use loli whore and everyone got away with it with only emotional damage. Just move on. It happened, it was gross, it was fun, but it is now the past. Any attempt to recreate it will just feel false anyway now. It won't be as dangerous or new like it was.

>>33330536 (OP)
Haha yeah I'm not touching this shit.