(1/2) to cut a long story short:

>I've known this girl since elementary school, and she's has a crush on me since then too
>throughout the first half of high school we were in a relationship together
>it was tumultuous, but in retrospect I realize a lot of it was due to who I was at the time (dealing with a lot of shit mentally and consequently being a generally repressed prude)
>we broke up because of that but also because of a lot of other more grievous issues (her going through my computer and reading all of my journal behind my back when she grew insecure about me liking someone else, to name one)
>since that time (early 2022) I've been in one other long-term relationship but that ended more than a year ago after it became evident that I was much more in love with her than she was with me
>I've since entered college and my dating attempts have come up fruitless
>there was one girl whom I genuinely thought was into me romantically before she admitted the attraction was only superficial/she only wanted me for my body
>the last time I talked with my (first) ex-gf was June last year
>I wanted to make amends for what happened (our breakup was messy, to say the last, and a lot of that was my fault) and so through apologies I asked whether we could simply be friends again
>we had a conversation but it soon became apparent she felt differently, that is, was still really in love with me
>fast forward to a few weeks ago, and she sent me a brief message
>I never responded to it but neither could I bring myself to delete it (and so delete my means of contacting her)

>>33331255 (OP)
(2/2)

>I've been basically waiting for summer break to be over (and my job opportunities all came up short, so I've been at home mostly with lots of time to ruminate) so I can be forced to stop thinking about this (b/c I'll be busy with college + us meeting will then be infeasible)
>but with summer nearly coming to a close the question I whether I should message her again is only weighing more heavily on my conscience
>I look through my old things and I see all the gifts she would give me and I read old writings in my journal and I’m just struck by how much she cared about me, a fact I was oblivious to at the time but has only been illuminated through experience
>I think to myself about why I shouldn’t do message her and what I think about practical difficulties (for most of the year I'll be hundreds of miles away at college and so we'd have to do long-distance if we did get back together)
>but I also realize that's beside the point: to two people in love, difficulties like those can be overcome
>and I suppose there's also the unknown: because I haven't seen her in so long, I wonder whether the person I'm thinking of right now is only her circa 2022 instead of who she actually is now (but when we spoke last year at least her personality seemed as I remembered it)
>if I mention this to my family they would deride me for settling
>but I think about it and… is that really so bad?
>what I mean is: being content with someone who, even if lacking in certain respects, still has those most important (and also rarest) qualities
>I don’t know bros
>what I do know is that I don’t want to hurt her again—it would absolutely kill me inside if I did

PS. fuck the captcha holy shit

>>33331255 (OP)

I should clarify too that the journal thing was the most grievous thing that happened between us

me saying "to name one" makes it seem like everything else that happened is of equal or greater magnitude and so is a bit misleading, I realize

What was in the brief message tat you received from her? Also dude
>if I mention this to my family they would deride me for settling
your family doesn't need to know and even if they do, who gives a fuck. If she's cool and you love her, then that's that. I don't care if you were in diapers together, it doesn't fucking matter. Get all that new age, post industrial western garbage out of your head about settling. I've heard this time and time again from people who are in perfectly good relationships
>ugh I... I just don't want to settle... we've been together for like 5 years and everything is great but like..... settling.........
such a gross way of looking at relationships. Anyways, just reach out lil bro

>>33331606

The message was her asking whether I had played the newest Doom game, lol. When we were together I made her a huge fan of the games, and it was something we bonded over a lot.

Good points too. I should clarify that it's not me who cares about "settling." Now, it used to be something I cared out, and I cared about it because of what my family & friends would give me, but my attitude has changed over the years with experience.

Also: This is beside the point, but if we did get back together and things did go well between us, I don't doubt that their minds could be changed. But like you said, their opinions, whether positive or negative, aren't the concern. I am my own man.

>>33331736
>The message was her asking whether I had played the newest Doom game, lol. When we were together I made her a huge fan of the games
Great, she got more into something that you shared with her while you two weren't talking. I'd lean into that, maybe ask if she wants to come over and play something or just buy a cheap coop game that you can play together that's casual enough where you can have a conversation. Do this 2-3 times and then take her on an actual date to do something fun irl

>>33331736
Do you still love her? Or do you feel guilty because you think you could've been a better bf. Someone who truly cares is rare. You can set boundaries about privacy but also have open book transparency with her. Bonding over Doom sounds awesome. But don't use us to sway you. We don't know anything other than what you tell us which will be far from everything needed to tell you how to live your life. You already understand about the long distance, but it sounds like she could be something. 1st loves always are and as long as it isn't toxic it can be really good and she could be your forever person. You need to figure out if she is based on your self reflection of the past.

Parents will learn to respect it or fuck off. But I would talk to them only if you decide yes and if it is firmly decided because it sounds like they'll try to talk you out of it. I personally don't believe settling exists. Grass is greener on the other side is only sometimes. Do you feel like you are settling or is it just your parents? Why don't they like her? Is it just them being supportive of your break-up?

>>33331797

Here's the fucked thing: She sent that message around mid-May. I didn't respond because I couldn't make up my mind, and despite occasional periods where I would feel really inclined to message her back, I restrained myself, saying I should trust my earlier judgment instead of being swayed by what I say as transitory emotion. But those periods of transitory emotion, I realize, have been happening since December.
Anyway, I did that for so long that my summer break is nearly over now. In ten days, I'm leaving for a trip with my grandma & sister and, once that's over, am basically immediately heading back to college, which is hundreds of miles away from my home/where she lives. So even if I messaged her right now, that would give us just over a week to actually meet again in person.

There's also the fact that her coming to my place or me going to hers... I don't know, I don't think it'd be really comfortable. Our places are both really small (less than 800 square feet). I live with my mother and sister (and her boyfriend, practically), while she lives with her grandparents and sister. I don't know. I know I shouldn't care—I just talked about that—but when it comes to having her over and my family making things awkward, I kinda do. And I think her grandparents hate my guts. Over, in their eyes, I assume, what I did to their daughter (for one, our breakup hit her so severely she dropped out of our high school). Plus also the fact that I never got the Covid-19 vaccine, so they see my presence as more or less a threat to their lives (even though, years ago, I had expressed I could take a test before going over, plus the fact that, having had Covid-19 a few times, I have the antibodies that getting the vaccine would give me anyway).

>>33331818

This is a great response, thank you.

As for whether I still love her, well, that's the difficulty I'm dealing with. It has been a few years since we were together and, those years being the latter two of high school and the beginning of college, I feel I can safely assume a good amount has changed about her. What parts have changed, however, and whether for better or for worse, I don't know. And I can't know until I talk to her again.

After our conversation last year, we agreed we’d only message if our goals aligned, that is, if she wanted to be friends or if I wanted to be in a relationship. But, as I just said, I feel I’m acting on incomplete information. The only way to get that information is to talk with her; yet talking with her, I feel, comes with commitment/the expectation that I now want to be in a relationship, and so I feel I'd be gambling as to whether the information I receive I'll judge as making us compatible or not. I couldn't imagine how I could live with myself if I led her into believing I wanted to be together again only to crush that hope, a hope she's been carrying for years now.

I don't know. Do you guys have any suggestions for better ways I can approach this?

>>33331818

Also, as for why my family (really just my mom & my sister; my dad hasn't been a part of my life for a while) don't like her: In their eyes, she was someone whom I shouldn't have gotten together with. They've come to that conclusion based on what I used to tell them—but because that was from who I was a few years ago, a lot of the grievances I voiced then I really don't think I would give a shit about now.

There's also the fact that, after we broke up, there was a night where she walked to my home. She told me over text she had brought a knife with her, which I and my family pretty unsurprisingly took as a threat. One of her grandparents eventually came by and picked her up, and ultimately nothing came of the incident (I actually never saw her during this; she came into my neighborhood, but didn't come up to my door or anything).

She later told me it had been a misunderstanding, that she had brought it because, being a lone female walking through the city at night, she wanted some protection. I suppose, sure, but how she phrased it definitely didn't help my family's perception of her. If I ever mention I received a message from her (which has happened a few times over the years), they automatically tell me to block her, that she's a crazed stalker, etc. For my part, though, I don't really agree with their assessment. To me, she was in incredibly emotionally volatile state over intelligible reasons and, to me, that nothing else happened after that state passed shows me that it was a product of that volatile state, not who she is normally.

>>33331255 (OP)
>to cut a long story short:
You did not succeed.

>>33334419
lol very fair