I will be 23 this winter. I saw normies and nerds alike talk about how they motivate themselves, talk about telling themselves "if I fail at this I'm a faggot ! I will die !" and so and so. I've tried myself to reflect deeply on what I want to do, why it matters to me, why I should do it wether as an objective that's good for me or just as something I would enjoy.
None of this seemed to have worked, nor does it seem to work anymore even for the more important things. It used to be that while my personal life was at a stop other imperatives were fulfilled, because of the external pressure. This year for once, for the first time in my life I failed to pass a school year, my procrastination went to the point of not doing anything at all until the very last days, for every single assignment including my thesis.

Nothing seems to matter, at the time the failure gave me that "sinner on the day of judgment" will to not make this happen ever again, but fast forward a month and a half and I'm back in the hole
The only thing that feels like an objective subject of great importance to me is religion, but I know God is understanding and while I wouldn't kill myself I've told him more than once that "now" was the time to take me. I pray and do my deeds but I stay hardstuck at the parable of the talents

>>33340875 (OP)
Let go of everything. Let go of responsibility, let go of public opinion, let go of religion and God. Let go of your own expectations.

Imagine you did die today, you're in the afterlife, and you still have all the baggage of your previous life. What's next to do? Nothing? So be it. Do nothing, do nothing for a good time. When you feel something grasp it firmly. To not let go of that is the next challenge and it's equally difficult.

>>33340937
I figured, if I were rid of any single objective and any urge or whatever, once the pleasure and addiction of doing nothing passes, I'd probably draw. It's s a calm pleasure and I recently thought that if I became good at it it could be something that gives me pride as it would be a skill that I would refuse to sell for a price. This is something that I believe to plague most or all interests be they arts or sports, that everyone constantly screams to turn them into products someway (producing and selling art, getting a job that's close to these interests, competing practically or virtually, or even simply selling it to the desires of recruiters by mentioning it in your CV)

Drawing would be a good action that could stay unplagued by the eyes of gluttonous people and it pleases me, that or just staying in my head getting lost in my imagination, in various scenarious of whatever.

But if I were to begin drawing IRL, say I would pull out a blank sheet, it would likely looke like a more elaborate form of this, which might loog good to some but is worthless to me, just visuo-manual stimming. At some point I would probably begin copying other arts as practice, but then I think I would get thrown off by my low performances and go back to dying reading what pther people have to say. If I don't practice I think I would get bored of doing worthless drawings plus the look of it e.g. the cat in here doesn't pleases me much.
I have a thing I can't loosen my grip on and it's an issue that's been harming my life for 10 years, but its solving seems to be dependent on a careless mother, or it would need money, but I don't have that

>>33341073
I forgot the "this" of the third paragraph