I'm in my 30s and so far I've almost died like 5 times.

I was almost murdered twice, I almost drown, died of illness in an excruciating slow way way then got better. I also have really unsupportive family, PTSD, though its mostly better (no constant flashbacks and stress)

My illness also fucked up my brain, and allegedly completely healed, but I feel like a ghost. Dr's and neuro's have no real answers.

I can barely stand the extended company of other people unless they are as fucked up as I am, but in that case they are invariably poor company because they are extremely traumatized, drunks, manipulative, sometimes even totally fucking evil. I feel like I relate mostly to people who've been through war. I think people are kind of retarded, but I don't hate them and enjoy seeing them enjoy things in a way.

I have financial stability at least, but I feel like I lost my ability to connect with others. I can be around them or not, but I'm alone. I don't feel like I'm in pain but I don't feel happy either. I guess I'm slightly happy most of the time? Because at least I'm not worried about dying anymore but also I'm not really living life. I almost travelled somewhere and then thought, why bother, it'll just be the same there anyway.

Am I fucked? Has anyone ever became like this and managed to stop? I want to love and feel like I used to. I'm not on any meds. I don't really think it's depression because I still get up and do stuff and hang out with people, it's just like I'm behind a foggy window inside

Move to 3rd world shithole where everybody's suffering and you'll relate to everyone

>>33342248 (OP)
I won't read autobiographies on an advice board. Get to the point next time.