Jesus I feel so lightheaded, the girl who is supposed to be my girlfriend, noticed how depressed and stressed I was and suggested I go to therapy , it went well for me at first and then she suggested we take a break for a few months , I trusted her thinking I'd be a better man for her I didn't think this would happen.. I've seen her body, she saw mine , she got videos of us having sex and I didn't think this would happen. She is with another guy. It has only been a few months.. how did this happen. What did I do wrong. This is not the first time i got cheated on and I think I'll go insane.

>>33357713 (OP)
if i break will you give 'tenshun?

>>33357713 (OP)
So did you talk with the therapist? Tell them that she lied and that going to see the therapist actually made things worse

>>33357713 (OP)
There's no such thing as a break dummy, it's just a gentle let-down with a little manipulation in that she gets to keep you on the hook in case she wants to come back or use you temporarily while waiting for the next dick appointment. This feels like a bad thing because it hurts; once the hurt subsides, realize that this is a good thing, because she was a bad partner and you dodged the bullet.
>but she was so great and caring and kind and and and
This is who she actually is, anon. This is what she thinks of you, how much she respects, loves, and wants you. Everything before was a mask. When people tell you who they are, believe them, and this is a loud-and-clear message to you about who she really is. Not a kind, sweet girlfriend who loves you, but the kind of girl who hops from dick to dick, keeps dudes like you on a string as backup dick, and who treats partners as replaceable. By the way, it didn't "take a few months"; women like this usually have a roster, orbiters, and "just a friend" guys waiting in the wings for their chance to fuck. She probably already had her next dick appointment scheduled before she suggested the break, because the one thing these women are most afraid of is being single longterm. She wasn't suggesting a break so you can help yourself, she was getting you out of the way so she can ride the cock carousel without feeling guilty, and keeping you on standby in case she needs to use you again. You WILL be glad you got rid of her once you're not love-blinded anymore. Keep working on yourself, anon. This isn't a reflection of you, it's all on her. You keep growing, as far away from her as possible.

>>33357921
Based and true. OP, I can confirm for 100% fact as God as my witness, this is not a (you) problem. It’s them. It’s not you.

I know you desperately don’t want to believe in the existence of bad people. I know that you know the pain of feeling misunderstood, outcast, treated like shit for the crime of being (you). How you desperately wished to God someone could see you, and love you, and look past your flaws for you. For love’s sake.

What your mistake was, is you assumed giving it to someone like your ex would be appreciated. You thought it had the power to make them feel happy and soothed and at peace, just as it would make you feel whole if someone gave that to you.

You tried to give what no one wanted to give to you. That’s the hallmark of your character, that is proof you are, at your core, a genuinely honest and kind person.

But OP, there are those who are not like you. There are those who simply do not care. Rather, they can’t care. There’s just no spark in their heart. They’re cold and dead, and when they do bad shit, they don’t feel it when they crush you underfoot. You’re just an emotional ant to them.

Some others, they know the things you value and wish to give. And they pretend to be what you want. They take what you give, and then they run away, they deliberately preyed on your vulnerability just because they could, and they felt it was easy. And they don’t care.

These people are real. They exist. And you need to acknowledge that not everything is your fault. That there as genuinely some bad people out there.

Learn from these experiences. Extract the red flags out of the memories you got of this girl, and write them down. Keep close attention in the future, and spot those exact same behavioural red flags in women. Spot them like seeing patterns. The minute you see it in girls in the future, you bounce. You say ‘no’, you dont date, dont have sex with em. nothing. Do not give any more time to banshees.

I’m in a similar situation except my (I guess ex) is the one going to therapy. Is it always over if you’re on a break in a situation like this? I tried finding other resources online about breaks but all of them had to do with someone one being a piece of shit, not one of the people in the relationship needing to care for themselves because there’s a lot they have to mentally tackle

>>33358126
I think that most of the time people end up being dickheads about it and it's just used as the opportune time for someone to go sow their wild oats and not catch flack because of a technicality.
If you genuinely trust the person you're with, I guess just keep up with things. I don't feel like that's something you should break up over, personally. Just say you need more space than usual because you're aware that you're being an unhinged and insufferable weirdo and want to figure things out while seeking help.

>>33358126
>Is it always over if you’re on a break in a situation like this?
Yes. It is possible to start dating again, to resume the relationship after the break, it it's still over. It's just delaying the inevitable. Suppressing and denying the reality that the relationship is a bust.

It's like being in a submarine deep under the immense pressure of the water. If one of those porthole windows break, you're fucked. The submarine implodes. You can buy some time, mend the crack, but the damage is done. Eventually it breaks again, until eventually it implodes. The only difference between 'break' and 'breakup' is two letters, that's all.

>>33357713 (OP)
Sorry to hear that.

It's funny when you see the word "break" being used in relationships, it's like watching some ants being infected with a parasite and used as a host. To the infected ant, it makes all the sense in the world to have a "break" but everyone on the outside can see with clear eyes that you've been infected.

Happens. Some people prefer things this way but a number of different causes may have held influence towards the present outcome

>>33357713 (OP)
>she suggested we take a break
hahahahaha you fell for me
didnt read the rest of your post btw
HAHAHAHAHHAA

>>33358145
That's a defeatist way of looking at things. People are capable of change, though it's not common that they actually make an effort enough to do so. It depends on what the underlying problems are, how hard you're willing to try, and how forgiving you both are of hiccups along the way. If you're both honest and neither of you fucked someone else during your break (or break up), it takes dedication but it is possible to come out stronger.

>>33358137
>If you genuinely trust the person you're with, I guess just keep up with things
I trust her and the way it was explained to me is that because our lives are so intertwined, her problems, which are pretty intense from what she’s told me, are going to become mine and she cares for me enough to not want that. I told her that it’s alright but she didn’t want to “burden” me I guess. She said she still loves me and that she isn’t going anywhere, so I’m not too worried about the potential for another relationship with her. I honestly just feel bad for her at this point. We still share our locations with each other and every time I check in on her, she’s just in her room at her parent’s house or at work. I think the distance she desires is also just routed in depression and not necessarily to protect me. She hasn’t hung out with me or her friends at all recently
>>33358145
I think in OPs situation, he’s clearly dealing with a shitty and potentially manipulative person. You can start over with people. My gf and I dated when we were 16 for a few months, stopped talking to each other for a few years, and then when we were 19 she saw me at college and we started talking again and then we were together for almost 5 years as of a couple weeks ago. I think people can grow outside a relationship and come back together (unless they’ve grown incompatible). If they were just dating and hooking up with other people the whole time they were separated tho, they can fuck off

>>33358156
>That's a defeatist way of looking at things. People are capable of change, though it's not common that they actually make an effort enough to do so.

It's not defeatist. It's realist. If I were a defeatist, I'd tell OP and myself to never date a goen again and that all women are thus and so and blah blah. That's defeatist.

Here's reality: If someone suggests a break, to 'clear the air', or to 'find themselves' or to 'work on issues', it's bullshit. Because reality is, you can do all of this while still being in a relationship. Relationships do not have a magical power that prevents these things. That's just reality.

So why would someone demand a break to work on 'things'? It's because those things are not compatible with the 'things' they wish to pursue.

What kind of things require not being in a relationship? Take a good guess. Seeing other people. Making sure people you want to pursue know you are not in a relationship. That's what's going on.

Some people do this shit because they are immature, they can't stand confrontation, they don't have it in them to 'face the music'. They do not want to be an adult and end things clean. They only get that courage when they find someone else to latch onto. It's called monkeybranching.

Also, when it comes to change. No one can change themselves for other people. It has to be done for yourself. If someone truly wants to change, they don't enter relationships until that's done. They certain don't take 'breaks' only to come back. That's a sign they ain't changing. It's the sign they want to keep using the relationship for their convenience.

>>33358230
>What kind of things require not being in a relationship?
Focusing all of your energy on improving yourself, learning self reliance, etc. especially for women since their families and society coddles them so they never have to become fully actualized people. If someone needs a break to figure things out for themselves, I don’t see any harm in that. Being in a relationship can make you rely too much on your partner

>>33358230
I know that they do that. I had posted to someone else about it here >>33358137. I probably have an unnecessarily optimistic viewpoint on these things, because I am a hopeless romantic and very willing to fight for something that I want and try my best to make those changes. You are correct about change, though. You can't do it for someone else. That has to be done by you for you, because at the end of the day you can't expect someone else to be obligated to just appreciate that you've done that for them. I had problems making changes with a partner because of lazyness and taking things for granted when I shouldn't have. Sometimes people need hard lessons.
There's probably a lot of reasons people take breaks, and while it's usually not for anything good there can still be good things that come out of it at least.

>>33357713 (OP)
you should send the vids to the newguy and ruin their relationship
>i smashed and it only took a few weeks for her to move onto you. have fun with your turn
it doesnt matter if you get lil bro'd that will live in their minds forever
potentially illegal and maybe he wont care

>>33358264
>Focusing all of your energy on improving yourself, learning self reliance, etc. especially for women since their families and society coddles them so they never have to become fully actualized people.

Yeah and I'm saying that's bullshit. Whether that's because the one claiming that is a liar, or, not a liar and simply misguided, doesn't matter. Bull is bull. Because what that mentality is, it's called 'all-or-nothing'. A common delusional belief.

Focusing all your energy on yourself, or, the relationship. Either all of this, or none of that. No in-between, no middle ground, no compromise, no nuance. It's delusion.

Someone who needs to focus 'all of their energy' to improve themselves still suffers from the exact same problem. They still haven't realized they are delusional. They're still buying into all of nothing mentality.

>Being in a relationship can make you rely too much on your partner.
Not the relationship doing that. It would be the person who wants to devote 'all their energy' causing that issue. Just as they devote all their energy into improving themselves, they devote all their energy to the relationship. Same mental bullshit, just a different smell.

You can do both. You can do something called moderation, where you have a sense of independence within a relationship. Where you can self improve + have the relationship as a support network along the way.

People like this self sabotage, man. They throw the baby out with the bath water. They cut their nose off to spite their face. They throw relationships away, hoping it will help them self improve, only to no surprise, throwing away support networks has a tendency to keep you stuck in a rut. Then they come back and the cycle eventually repeats and nauseum.

Look, if you want a good relationship, you gotta ask: do you really want someone who runs away when the chips are down?

>>33357921
>When people tell you who they are, believe them,
The saying is actually when people SHOW you who they are, believe them

>>33358264
>Focusing all of your energy on improving yourself,
people like you need help
you are not focusing your energy. you are not sigma. you are alone and coping. theres no such fucking thing as being alone to make your relationship energy go into you. there is no energy when you are alone.
i repeat you are not sigma you are faggot

>>33358126
>I tried finding other resources online about breaks but all of them had to do with someone one being a piece of shit, not one of the people in the relationship needing to care for themselves because there’s a lot they have to mentally tackle
You know the answer to this, but you refuse to accept reality.

>>33358156
Having self-respect and realizing when a relationship isn't going to work isn't defeatist. Cutting bait isn't defeatist. Giving up on dating and thinking you'll never be happy would be defeatist.

>listening to the crabs in a bucket, black pilled losers
I’ll pass

>>33358308
>Look, if you want a good relationship, you gotta ask: do you really want someone who runs away when the chips are down?
No but do I love this person and do I want them to get better before going into a legally binding contract with them where they can ruin my life or the life of our children if they have all of this baggage that they never dealt with? Yes

>>33358385
>No but do I love this person and do I want them to get better before going into a legally binding contract with them where they can ruin my life or the life of our children if they have all of this baggage that they never dealt with? Yes.

That sounds sweet and sincere. But I can’t help but feel the aftertaste of some bittersweet shit. You don’t feel that yourself? That little pang of melancholy when you hear or read yourself say stuff like this? Cuz I felt it, cuz I felt it before when I was playing the game of “I can fix her” with a chick who dragged me around for years. The spoiler to the story is, it didn’t work.

And I’m not gonna give you pessimistic blackpilled nonsense. It didn’t work not because of her, like she was an unlovable problem, or because of me being a hopeless self-loathing idealist, it was because the problems predated the relationship entirely. All the way to both her childhood for her problems, and mine for my issues. And what we had was just recreating a shit dynamic where both of us resembled our respective childhood woes. I was stand-in for her emotionally suffocating parent, she was stand-in for my neglectful one. Meme as old as time.

And the idea of loving someone into a therapist’s office turned out to be batshit. Same way its batshit for a parent to love their kid by outsourcing them to a school counsellor instead of actually attending to problems together.

It’s still telling someone “you need to change, you are a problem, now go change and lets get to loving.” Its a wacky ass foundation to build a marriage on top of.

>>33358597
Why did you feel dragged around?

>>33358613
Cuz she was hot & cold, push & pull, loved me and idealised me for a spell, was cold and cruel the next. Would threaten breakup, or want ‘breaks’, only to dial it back with big dramatic apologies and professing remorse or deep love. Back and forth for years.

>>33358623
She went to therapy while you were together and this didn't help?

>>33358629
She tried, then bailed a few sessions in. Didn’t help, no.

>>33358634
Why did she bail therapy of all things?
She monkeybranched from you at the end?

>>33358597
>Cuz I felt it, cuz I felt it before when I was playing the game of “I can fix her” with a chick who dragged me around for years
Except I’m not trying to do that, maybe I did play the “I can fix her” game for a little bit when she would tell me some of the stuff that she was going through but eventually she realized that even I can’t be doing that, so she checked herself in to therapy. I didn’t want the split but I’ve accepted that she needs the space
> And the idea of loving someone into a therapist’s office turned out to be batshit. Same way it’s batshit for a parent to love their kid by outsourcing them to a school counsellor instead of actually attending to problems together.
Like I said, I wanted to tackle this together like we did for any other problem she had. We talked about stuff like this a handful of times in our relationship together but for whatever she’s going through rn, she explicitly said that it’s not stuff I should be hearing. Idk what it is, molestation? Who the hell knows but she needs help and I did my best to be there for her but she wanted to keep her distance so after insisting, I eventually just let her
>It’s still telling someone “you need to change, you are a problem, now go change and lets get to loving.”
I don’t want her to fundamentally change as a person, I think she is absolutely wonderful. However, whatever she is going through needs to be worked out so she can feel comfortable in her own skin because I want that for her as much as she does

>>33358639
>Why did she bail therapy of all things?
Fear of judgement and fear of accountability. She was accountable and responsible only to a point. When it came to deep issues that required introspection, she would glitch the fuck out. Because her whole thing was she never wanted to be alone with her own thoughts, not for a second. She built up a whole life of acting and pretending to be fine and dandy in the outside, inside she was actually about as emotionally developed as a 5 year old. And I mean that not in an insulting way, but genuinely, she was like a little girl in a woman’s body. A scared shitless one at that.

>She monkeybranched from you at the end?
Yep. Also found out later all the ‘breaks’ to self heal were full of escapades of talking to other guys. She had wanted breaks to compartmentalise the guilt, to sweep it under the mental rug to justify to herself what she was doing was OK.

People who have broken spirits, some of em tend to be split right down the middle. They end up leading two different lives. Ones you got no clue about. Really amazing at separating those two different worlds entirely too, being a sad and broken girl to the boyfriend, but in another double life, being reckless and manic and rampantly selfish and hedonistic.

People like this exist and arent too uncommon which is a mindfuck lol. Theyre not maniacal evil geniuses or something either. Just learned how ti lie so well they are able to actually believe their own lies, something they learned to do as kids. Cuz they had to. If they told the truth as kids they got beat like a dog. Abusive parents etc.

>>33358707
But what leads someone towards a broken spirit in that particular sense? I can't rationalize how cheating is justified just because you told someone you were on "break". Did you both talk about remaining monogamous during the break?

>>33358764
>But what leads someone towards a broken spirit in that particular sense? I can't rationalize how cheating is justified just because you told someone you were on "break".

I can’t rationalise it either, man. Makes no sense to me. Makes sense to them and others who are able to do it. You actually may have met so many people like this and not realise it. Some other portion of humans can compartmentalise their feelings, to the point they can completely forget emotional commitments as if they never existed. They can do this on a dime, just ‘switch off’ the emotional connection and go into autopilot where they live out whatever fucked up thing they wanna live out.

Think of how many people who say “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Same shit. “What happened during the break wasn’t a big deal, we were on a break.”

Its like that thought experiment, yknow? Where you ask someone “If a tree falls down in a forest and no-one was around to hear it, did it make a sound?”.

Obviously, the answer is yes it did make a sound. Doesn’t matter if we hear it or not. Greater reality says objectively it’d have made a sound.

To someone with that weird wacky mindset I speak of, they’d say no it makes no sound. Because they can’t hear it = it doesnt exist.

So if they are on a ‘break’, and you aint there, what they do doesnt count as cheating. You dont exist. Out of sight, out of mind.

Its why anyone dating someone who wants a ‘break’ abruptly needs to watch the fuck out. One of the biggest red flags known to man.

>>33358792
Doesn't someone making it their word to not sleep with or seek out other people count for anything?

>>33358809
Nope. Because their word before the break was probably ‘I love you always and forever booboo’. Apparently not. Apparently that has breaks all of a sudden. So whatever they say after wanting a break is usually bullshit too

>>33358817
What about dealing with the aftermath of the person eventually finding out?

>>33358707
Holy fuck my man. This is 1000% a reflection of my own ex, and something I started realizing as I heal.

I am young (18m), we talked all about "marriage", having kids together, etc..
We traveled. We did long distance. lived together. We tried it all.

Exactly like you, it was a push and pull. constant spells (as if she loved me for delusional reasons). Insane love bombing. Constant crying and misery

I always knew / theorized that she was unable to sit still in her own thoughts. She literally was always running around on edge. She has shitty parents, I had neglectful parents. She wanted attention when it was convienient but loathed "pity" and said it made her seem weak.

The sad part is she was actually decently smart (in the worst way possible). She read tons of books, like tons. It doesnt help that she got accepted into a "smart" uni (which honestly, doesnt mean ANYTHING in the real world .. shes not gonna gain anything but debt out of it). Whats funny is this illusion of intelligence is so razor thin. She could never sit down and think. Never reflect.
Everything bothered her. Everything I did around her she could fix. Everything she could critique with her mystical smart view of the world.

Ive heard she got std's from whoring around after we broke up. also got herpes on her lips from sucking dudes off.
Now she is sleeping around. Literally with MULTIPLE guys she told me not to worry about..
I can go on! ask me more, i am happy to share the TRUTH of our relationship.
I was a genuinely good guy! I bet her life is gonna turn to misery!

>>33359289
Just to add on to this. I learned some valuable ass lessons from this mentally ill chick.
Im glad I find this out young, cause my brother who is older than me is fuckin messing with my head still texting her behind my back. He even supported her during the break up and totally messed with me just to get close with her. My brother hasn't experienced shitty women yet, even though hes older, so he doesnt fucking get it (yet)

My ex was really the whole package of shit. When we broke up, it was huge fantasy tales of "you're a narcissist" (she even tried accusing me, but got laughed at because of how bipolar it was). Instantly, she turned me into a villain.

I legit always wondered how chicks like this turn out ?? Its pretty obvious her life sucks, and she had a rough and shitty childhood. I can 100% see her turning into an only-fans, attention seeking slut.

>>33358707
As mentioned, this shit is surprisingly common. I've been on the dating apps cause I want to get my dick sucked and have fun again. Its been more than 8 months clean of the breakup, starting to feel much better about myself and I realize a lot of the flaws she was hiding.

I cant stress how bipolar and miserable and immature and childish she was. She literally was a child who thought the world revolved around her. Its so ironic she was calling my narcissistic, since all of our fights were useless tangents (" do you truly love me??? " <-- she asked this like 3 times a day)
I gave her everything. I did the best I could. Literally there was no winning

She suggested taking breaks where we were allowed to see other people. That was bullshit
Luckily I didnt get dragged around too much. I am a genuinely smart dude and was able to recognize the flaws early on. We only lasted about a year. But that was seriously the most miserable situation ever