My parents are religious but they basically use religion as a battering ram to start fights rather than something actually spiritual so I was Atheist for a long time. During my formative years I was actually pretty funny and laidback so I got along well with people. Unfortunately as I graduated most of my friends lost interest in me as I became more focused on religion and my few religious friends were the Evangelical types who love Israel and think philosophy is a sin.

I now have no passions outside of studying religions and esoteric philosophies. I'd be set for life if I listen to my parents and they'd probably find me a woman but that would mean forcing myself into the spiritual black hole I grew up in and I don't get along well with most women. Even religious people here don't really give a fuck about metaphysics and the meaning of life.

I had a project in life that I transformed into something related to this and that's the only thing I want to talk about. Most of the friends I had were secular and don't care about it anymore and while I'm no longer suicidal I don't really see any hope of me having friends or continuing this project since I don't know how to work without external feedback to keep my ideas and work in check. How could I find such friends able to work this type of stuff with? Or how do I make myself function without friends so I can actually work towards the goals I want instead of being a lonely autist whose parents are disappointed in me?

>>33359021 (OP)
Too vague. What goals, esoteric beliefs, project, and cultural context?

>>33359021 (OP)
What is "spiritual" and why does it mean you can't develop basic social skills or talk about anything but philosophy

i have no friends either (anymore), but im really laid back, decelerated, chill, le grande deep occult esotericist too. mainly so, because of all the wisdom.
so id advise you too, to be calm and contemplate what you want and if you truly need yourself to be defined by others. why should you care what others think of you anyway?
dont forget, there are certain group dynamics that can get rather dangerous.

its rather ironic too. i have certain insights and scared the shit out of my parents in 2020 about the whole, yet to be staged, convid plandemic and told them to start believing (when i really meant knowing) Jesus Christ (but ofc in my occult/mystic point of view).
and now it is as you put it, a battling ram for them and, everything i do is occult and bad and ebil and verboten!
even tho i had a 3hrs long discussion with the head-servant of said church kek and he basicly told me that my views are right, but cant tell that the normal folks.
you better keep these things to yourself OP, at least dont fight with your family about these things. family is there to love and care for each other and watch out for each others. and not to quarrel about politics (ra°legion). it is no thing.

people and friends come and go, but it is really only you, who stays. that is not to say to try to connect and make friends. maybe join a philosophy club. or a book club. people who read tend to know things and therefore are able to at least comprehend what you try to explain

>>33359064
>>33359077
My goals are mostly art focused and I'm particularly obsessed with traditional art. I have a significant portion of it already done and it's basically Zelda meets Dune but my marketing abilities suck and my desires into religion left it abandoned by everyone except me.

As for esoteric beliefs I'm a Traditionalist (Guenon and Evola stuff not LARPers in dresses stuff) and lean towards Islamic mysticism. I respect Christian mysticism though believe that Neoplatonists were far superior and the church steered away from it.

I'm surrounded by Evangelicals and Atheists. Most Muslims in my area outside of one or two Shias don't know what the hell I'm talking about. In theory I'd be able to get along with Catholics and stuff but most of the ones I meet are the LARPer types who just follow it because they think it's White or whatever.

>>33359105
You're right. I still live with my parents both because the housing market is shit and because I'm basically the only person who is left for my parents. I ceased having conversations with them because a slight disagreement would turn into a shitshow and yeah they were sheep during COVID and hated me because I didn't want the jab. They thought me not getting it was a threat to their lives.

I crave a sense of belonging and family partially because of the natural human desire but also because I don't know how I'll do things on my own. I don't see myself as powerful enough to handle this stuff and I find myself often getting myself into mental lapses and get nothing done constantly. Don't know how to fix this but I do not see this loneliness as a curse but as an opportunity. I really am socially retarded though and my skills aren't really above average I just have a high capacity to learn which most people don't care about.

>>33359226
>only person who is left for my parents
oof and yet they still try to quarrel with you? seems a bit unthankful, but oh well.
>hated me
their own son?
>me not getting it was a threat to their lives
i hope you stood your ground and did not take, even only one injection?
because them forcing you or trying to talk you into suicide is a threat to YOUR life.

your parents arent you.

>I don't see myself as powerful enough
well then youve got to get more powerful then. also this seems to sound like a mindset-issue
>loneliness as a curse but as an opportunity
correct. God can be found in tranquility, silence and rest. peace and peace of mind can lend you great strenghts
>high capacity
the things of God are revealed to each one proportional to their (mental) capacities
>which most people don't care about
again, you focus what "most people" care or think about...

>>33359396
>their own son?
They've mellowed out since then. I have a job now unlike during COVID so the relationship is far less lopsided. I can get it to a certain extent although I know that they aren't reliable when it comes to my future.
>God can be found in tranquility, silence and rest. peace and peace of mind can lend you great strenghts
Yeah, I'm certainly able to find peace much easier than I have before and appreciate quiet. I do have a bit of an Internet addiction partially because what I have to do partially requires me being on a computer screen so that can distract me from my own quietness. Sometimes I want to toss out all these screens and start fresh but I know I can't completely yet.
>again, you focus what "most people" care or think about...
I need to find the couple exceptional but in-order to not only make earnings but also just get what I want done in a quality I'll feel comfortable with I need help. Either that or find a way I can do all the necessary tasks needed to get an art project like mine actually done solo and in the course of 5-6 years. Not impossible but very hard and will also require me to accept I'll never have a wife and family because I find women younger than me extremely difficult to talk to in any non-superficial way.

>>33359445
>that can distract
so you have awareness. good
>toss out all these screens
same and i have that remote family house by the landside with own garden and the little family in my mind. i am working toward that goal and manifesting it.
>I need to find the couple exceptional
forgive me for my esl, but what does that mean you need to find the couple? the couple of what
>an art project like mine
cool
>5-6 years
not cool, but if a good thing takes its time, well then it is a ok.
>will also require me to accept I'll never have a
again, this is purely your mindset. you do not have to accept anything. you can do anything you like, really.
some poor idiot said "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law". while he ended up in the demonic labyrinth, we are a little smarter. you can do anything, but yet keep in mind that actions have consequences and "Treat others as one would like others to treat them".
maybe you find a girl (mindset: iam going to find a with me compatible girl, no discussion) that is interested in your art project and you both now work on that? cmon be a little more flexible in your thinking.

you strike me as a bit young, aint you? Good things take time and rome wasnt built in a day.

>>33359686
>so you have awareness.
Used to curse it and wish I was retarded but then I realized that heaven is for those with knowledge about their true self and nothing more. Or maybe that's just a cope lol.
>the couple of what
Couple as in a few exceptional friends. I'm desperate for those.
>you strike me as a bit young, aint you?
I'm nearing 30, so depending on what you define young I either have a long life ahead of me or am screwed. I was pretty calm about this a decade ago but I'm heading to the age where unless I find a woman who has an interest in this stuff (fat chance) I'll be unable to have a family or will have to deal with someone unrelatable at best from being too old or insufferable at worst.

>>33359846
Also I'll try and be confident about finding someone, potentially even a woman (that is the ideal) interested in my project but even ignoring the fact that I'll have to deal with my parents and I'm not the most financially independent yet (Or at least I'd like to stay together for as long as possible) I'm a complete autist and genuinely can't converse with someone without talking about religion, family, or what I'm working on. Apparently that's a turn-off.

>>33359846
>I'm desperate for those
seek and you shall find
>am screwed
>unless
>the age where
>fat chance
>will have to
i really dislike repeating myself. thats again, your mindset, only. your so called reality. all of this is self-propheciesed. you dont have to accept any of these things. who told you these, im sorry, retarded beliefs?
change your beliefs = change your reality
it is that easy
FOR EXAMPLE
unlike women, men can have children as long as their testicles and dick probably, work.

>>33360501
Perhaps. The idea of getting a girl significantly younger than me sort of disgusts me but that's admittedly because while I know a lot of women my age or older that I'm retarded the generation born after me just seems completely screwed from all the brainrot. Women have less variety than men and are easier to stereotype.

>>33359131
So just like talk to someone about Zelda or Dune without sperging. You know what would make you great at marketing? Empathy and self-control.

>>33360765
Would you know where to find such people? I'm mostly interested for lore aspects but find modern renditions of them pretty mid which makes me come off as a contrarian or have to dilute the conversation down to something that I can't really get anything useful out of. I'll try to increase my breadth in-terms of fantasy and DND places but most of them don't give a fuck about the religious/occultic aspects of stuff like Tolkien, Conan, etc. and just like the aesthetics.
>Empathy and self-control.
I never talk about this stuff in real life. I get along well with people but there isn't anyone I can really truly say is reliable anymore because the good people in my life got married and the people who weren't haven't even begun to tackle the mental and physical issues they are. Main thing is I struggle with empathy because the average person here seems to really have little thoughts and I basically just get along with them while working. Not trying to come off as pretentious and maybe I'm just pic related but that's the conclusion I have come to.

>>33360822
Lots of people. Talk less in a row. I'm guilty of it myself. I've also alienated myself by sperging about on topic for years in a row multiple times.

>>33360822
Also I often resent humans in general too. Keep in mind people get busy with life or their lives fall apart, but often they are free and good later on.

>>33360822
Also consider using different buzzwords. Most people don't like the words occultic religion even if they think aspects of those things are cool. This aggravates me about people too. For instance, women rank being a scientist as sexy, but rank being a data analyzer (being a scientist) as boring and unattractive

>>33360889
Even people who I know have interest and tell me a lot of things I can tell wish would take a break around me. It's difficult to reduce my brain and without multiple different people to talk to (it's a miracle to find one) I either end up short-circuiting myself of getting someone pissed. I'm really one trick and basically only like the things I grew up with alongside theology/occult stuff or both simultaneously.
>>33360891
I'm okay with people being busy. It feels like a lot of people purposefully make themselves busy so they have to avoid the responsibility of actually thinking. Industrialization and the constant desire for progress basically fuels this mentality and it makes complete sense why not even the religious people don't really care about spiritual metaphysics.
>>33360900
I'll try. I was raised to be extremely technical. This is even worse in front of women because I don't know how to be normal around them. I don't care at all about social trends and all I have to attract them is nostalgia. There was a book worm chick I met a while back but she was really into political activism and didn't care much about anything esoteric. Felt like if I talked more about anime I had a chance.

Looks like this is where the advice ends. Thank you all for helping me I'll try and boost my confidence. Right now I'm not sure if it's easier for me to find a consistent friend to talk about this with or if I should try looking for women but if I ever find an opportunity I'll try at least not psyching myself out.

>>33359021 (OP)
i had a similar upbringing and dilemma and i picked the hermits life and its been pretty chill since then, 20 years or so of taking it easy and quietly pondering the mysteries. your parents may never get it..

>>33364597
My parents absolutely can't stomach it and want me to be a dad even at the cost of financial security. Not against the idea but I just I want a woman that will be dedicated to what I want to do or I'm screwed. I also have just seen some bad divorce cases and I crave loyalty above which I can't even seem to get with friends.