How do I stop living selfishly for myself and learn to love living for others? Girls always want to get married and start families and i know i want that some day and I think its good, but right now I just dont want it. I don't think about it, I don't have fantasies about it, and when I get pressured to take it seriously I just think "sheesh sounds like a lot of accountability and responsibility, no thanks"

My life is really good as an unmarried man, at least right now, but I'm afraid that if I wait too long, no one good will want me and I'll end up alone and childless, but I'm also afraid of commitment and think its wrong to tell a girl "I want to get married and have kids" when its not true, I just don't feel that way right now

Damn this really causes serious internal conflict in me, any advice?

>>33361830 (OP)
If you get married because you are afraid of ending up alone, that's fine because it's your own motivation. Don't do it just because someone else wants you to.

>>33361848
I wouldn't want to lie to anyone I married, so if I say to them "yeah I dont really want to get married or spend the rest of my life with you specifically, but im afraid of being alone one day so I'll do it anyway" they're gonna immediately tell me to fuck off

>>33361978
Anon, you realize that you can love someone and just have fleeting moments of feeling in love with them, right? Being married to someone you can be yourself around, really feel comfortable in your own skin around, talk to like a best friend, fuck with reckless abandon, and feel uplifted or like your life is improved by them. Sometimes that's enough. You don't have to have kids, that's not a requirement in this world. And you don't have to choose someone that wants them or feel obligated towards having them because you're afraid they wouldn't want to be with you if you told them the truth

>>33361993
I hear ya but something still feels wrong about getting married for any reason other than "I really love YOU and want to be with YOU and can't imagine being with anyone other than YOU"

I've never felt that way about any girl I've dated

bump

>>33362380
What's your experience so far? It looks like you aren't sure what you want outright

>>33361830 (OP)
I’m a married dude with a kid. OP what you are feeling is normal. A lot of men might deny the feelings, especially guys who dreamed of getting married, but the fact is, when the time comes to get on your knee and propose to a girl, you will shit yourself. You’ll wrestle with every thought of doubt, fear, even transient short lived regret — before, during and after proposing.
Same is true the day before the wedding. Same is true on the day you see that pregnancy strip show those two lines reading ‘pregnant’.


My point is, you’ll never feel ready to be a husband or dad. Even when you really wanna be one and feel ready, when the moment hits, inner panic sets in. And thats normal as shit. You just happen to be honest about it, that’s all.

But it doesnt mean you shouldn’t be a husband or dad, or that you can never be one or enjoy it. Truth is you never know until you actually become one. Same for everyone, you never know how those things feel until they happen. And even when they feel overwhelming or anxiety inducing, it eventually clears up and becomes your new normal, your new life. Thats what it is, really. The end of an old life, the start of a new one.

You worry about accountability and responsibility taking away freedom. What it ends up doing is giving you way more freedom than you can ever want. More than you have already. Because those responsibilities propel you into hundreds of new opportunities, new objectives, tasks, adventures, struggles, accomplishments, goals, hopes. Your life expands, it doesn't decrease.

My advice is dont fight the internal conflict. Accept it as normal, because it is normal. Don’t worry about crossing bridges you aint even at yet. You got steps to take first. Just focus on those. Those steps would be taking care of yourself and finding a nice girl if thats your wish

>>33362729
a couple short nothing relationships when I was younger then 4 year long one now. I don't have nearly the "experience" I'd like but I come from a religious and conservative background, which I like, but to say the least, everyone in my life thinks I'm a degenerate for wanting to be a bachelor and see what's out there, and the threat/truth of "you're gonna be unwanted and alone if you don't settle down" is constantly said to me.

All I can 100% say for sure is I don't "feel" like getting married or starting a family, which is not the same thing as I don't love her, not the same thing as I want to sleep around, not the same thing as I'm a psychopath, all it is is all I've said, I don't feel like getting married yet, maybe later, idk, and I think I enjoy being single and having shorter term relationship, but I also have a hunch that mindset will ruin me. I really don't know what to do, and extremist perspectives on all sides seem to be all I run into

My gf is a very good person who does want to get married however, so I do feel bad about not wanting the same things she wants, and I doubt I'll ever get someone who loves me as much as her. But I just don't feel the same way she does about the near future.

>>33362798
This is a very good post and somewhat comforting/reassuring, thanks man. I still doubt that "most men" feel this way about getting married, I've been dragging my feet for years now with doubt, I know guys who, stupid or not, were so head over heels for their girls and so happy and excited to get married, it's really made me think that only people who can truly, honestly say they know they will be happier married, should get married. Maybe that's an incorrect belief, idk

>>33362896
>it's really made me think that only people who can truly, honestly say they know they will be happier married, should get married. Maybe that's an incorrect belief, idk

I’m of the opposite opinion brotha. I think men who chirp about being super excited to be a husband and father are just playing lip service. Trying to be seen as a ‘nice guy’, maybe to impress themselves or the ladies, or, maybe just to fit in and say what they think others expect them to say.

Not saying they wont be feeling happy like they say they are. But I am saying, they too will have mixed anxious feelings, same as any other man. They’ll just be good at hiding it lol.

That’s what men do when we’re young and inexperienced. We lie or hide the bad or ‘weak’ parts of our character to look good. Same as hiw women use make-up to mask physical flaws or impurities. We do that too, just with our character.

Anyway, I think you’d be a good husband and dad and I know that might sound crazy since I dont know you from the next anon. But because of your fear and doubt, know what it tells me? That you give a shit. You worry about being good enough or not, about being happy enough to do a good job or fucking it up. Or being miserable and tied down or whatever. It shows you actually care about outcome. The best fathers and husbands are ones who care about outcome. Those are the ones who end up fighting for the best ones for the wife and kid’s security and peace.

>>33362964
Do you enjoy being a husband and a father? What are the pros and cons of your new life?

>>33362964
blessed posts man, thanks a lot

>>33363009
>Do you enjoy being a husband and a father? What are the pros and cons of your new life?

Yeah I enjoy it a lot. I also get just as much stress too. Difference is, it's stress I can confidently carry, burdens I know I can have on my shoulders. The stressors as a bachelor would sink me into depression. Key reason was because I was suffering for nothin'. As a family man, the suffering is given meaning, purpose, and a good reason. That's what men require, just one good reason and then all the hard shit becomes light as a feather. It's still there but you gain spiritual muscles to wield that shit with dignity.

Pros: Having a place to call home. Being the captain of that home, having someone who needs me, feeling useful and necessary. Also the 24/7 waking up next to a pair of boobs, that's just the cherry on top.

Cons: Nagging. Bad habit of all women, don't go believing the ones who say they would never, they all do lmao. Losing the space to keep manly secrets, aka, having to fight vices and managing a life trying not to lose to them to keep the marriage steady. Also money, it's expensive to keep the lights on and yourself & woman & kid fed and warm. Worth every penny though if you got a good home with a high value chick + good natured kid.

>>33363021
No problem brotha. Last advice I got is listen to your gut. If your gut is telling you that you ain't ready, then listen to it. But don't assume it means you won't ever be ready. It actually means you know you got more experiences to see to before then. That's perfectly fine. Anyone who shanes you for taking your time can cram it up their ass, man.

Some people only focus on marrying on time. Better to worry about quality of marriage, not quickness. What good is marrying at 21 if you are immature or got not growth and then you grow apart and divorce later. When you could trust your gut, wait, grow into something strong, and then marry and enjoy a high quality marriage that lasts a lifetime?

>>33361830 (OP)
Are you actually afraid of this or is that something you heard people being afraid about a lot in the media?

>>33361830 (OP)
I won't read threads whose premise is that sex is for entertainment rather than for procreation. It's also a little exasperating that posters here complain that women are worthless sluts that only want to bang so-called "chad" while others such as this complain that women just want to get married.

>>33361830 (OP)
Advice? Yeah: drop that ridiculous worldview you have immediately because, if you don't, you are going to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. This shit sounds great when you're young and don't know shit but see how you feel when you hit your 40s. I've yet to see it work out for anyone and one of these guys I knew just killed himself a few months ago. He used to say the same shit. Life is a marathon and you haven't even started the race yet.

>>33363808

Dang why is everyone on /adv/ such a square, a fellas really gonna ruin his life by chasing tail?

>>33363654
>it's exasperating that this place isn't a hivemind and people have different opinions