i literally spend every day sat at home doing jack shit. im 17 and im off college (UK) for the holidays and im fucking isolated. i have no friends at college so now im out of there i have nothing to do. i have two close friends from my past. one a lazy fuck and the other works too hard to do anything with me. im fucking rotting in my home. I want to be a graphic designer but I know deep inside im not capable and im in an artistic block right now anyway which means i literally sit at home watching youtube all day, then go to bed. my dad sees me and treats me like a disappointment because thats his tough love strategy which will never work and just depresses me even more. the only contact i have with him is saying hello, and him replying with a random issue he has chosen to shout at me for. we don't talk again. The only other real life friend I have is a girl who I am interested in a little romantically but honestly she is a good friend and not worth losing by asking out. We talk on instagram a bunch and have went out for coffee twice to catch up since it's been a year, but I have no idea how to ask her out again without being awkard. ive already used the "im bored haha lets catch up again!" question. I seriously dont know what the fuck to do with my life. i dont do anything and not doing anything means the only thoughts i have are shitting on myself like this rant. i jump whenever anyone texts me and respond straight away because i have nothing better to do and need the contact yet whenever i text anyone its 30 minutes, and hour, or they forget i asked them something. im fucking sick of it. im too old to just make friends, i dont have a hobby, i design for a hobby but want it to be a job, thats nothing. im not even good i just do the same gimmick over and over. im fucking trapped.

oh yeah, im unemployed too. im looking for a job just to fill the time and for money because who doesnt love money but nowhere is hiring. i have never once even gotten an interview despite the application being normal and CV generic and approved by my family. i feel even if i went to an interview i wouldnt get the job because im not just clapped, but also autistic as fuck. what the fuck is wrong with me seriously.
being ugly also doesnt help because who the fuck wants to talk to an ugly person, you just automatically assume they're going to suck as a person and stick with that. its a natural human response but it fucks me over. i seriously dont know what to do