This girl has thoroughly put me in my place and I don't know what to do. We almost never see each other anymore. I'm talking months between hook ups/hang outs. But almost every night she hits me up to complain about some banal shit. Her roommate sucks, her friend's pregnant, her mom's visiting, etc.

She does have some kind of undiagnosed depressive disorder - and I'm a 4channer, so far from perfect myself - so I try to cut her some leeway, but this is getting beyond crazy. I do really like her, we have great chemistry when we're together, our families have a lot in common, the sex is always good.

In my mind, when you click with someone, a relationship is the next step. But it's like whenever things are warming up and moving in that direction, she drops the line and everything resets. I don't know what to do. Is there some way to move things forward without being pushy or unnatural about it?

>>33368799 (OP) https://youtube.com/shorts/jNjnGG_VSnE
This reminds me of this interview.
>And sometimes... I felt he was a little talkative but, now I would rather him stay talkative.

you guys are friends

>>33368885
Interesting. Not quite sure I understand. Am I the person in the interview, and I'd rather see her occasionally than not hear from her at all?

>>33368914
Maybe I'm out of touch, but do friends sleep with each other? Or celebrate Valentine's together?

>>33368915
Can't you talk seriously with her about your plans for you to be together? Don't you guys have clarity in your communication?

>>33368934
Whenever I bring things up directly, she gives me the runaround. "I don't know what I want..." "I need to work on myself..." "I don't like people having expectations of me..."

So I'll say something to the effect of, "I hope if/when you figure it out, you'll give me a call."

But then the following night she'll hit me up like nothing happened, and around and around we go.

>>33368963
Sounds like friendzone with benefits.

>>33368975
Is that a thing? I wish I could get her to come down on the line about what this is and isn't. Friendship? Let's do that. Purely physical? Let's do that. A relationship? I'm all for it.

Obviously I would prefer a relationship, but the stress of being in this grey area is an awful feeling.

>>33368990
I cannot look at it as a grey area. I clearly see a friendship with benefits, even if she doesn't declare it. If you're bold enough and don't really care if you'll lose what you have, you may ask her if that's what it is.

>>33368928
Yes, it's very common for both things to occur. Not everybody is ready to be emotionally close and it will cause many problems for both parties.

>>33368963
Yeah, you guys are friends and this girl is an emotional wreck who doesn't care about your feelings. Been there, and it sucks. Keep doing it, but don't expect anything worth your time as a deep human.

>>33368998
Let me try another angle here. I'm not opposed to a friendship with benefits, but the benefits are few and far between. Is there any way for me to entice her to hook up more often?

My sense is that she feels hanging out with me gives me the false impression that things are progressing in a romantic sense, so she keeps me at arm's length to prevent that. I get that, but also things are pretty one sided if every night I'm playing therapist and once in a blue moon she throws me a bone. Can I even the playing field at all?

>>33368963
>Whenever I bring things up directly, she gives me the runaround. "I don't know what I want..." "I need to work on myself..." "I don't like people having expectations of me..."

Anon, I need to be brutally honest with you. I hope you can understand that. She does not want commitment.

>>33368975
>Obviously I would prefer a relationship, but the stress of being in this grey area is an awful feeling.

Yeah this isn't going to get better any time soon. I'm sorry. You need to recognize she isn't emotionally mature enough to give you the relationship you want.

I know that sucks to hear, I really do. It is unfortunate but you need to recognize it and accept it. I could tell you what I do with that information but I think if you reflect on what I've shared you'll come to the same conclusion.

Best of luck anon.

>>33369028
First off, you can't persuade someone to fuck you whenever you want, it's their chouce. Second, fucking just talk to her about how you're feeling about the situation and your worries of being pushed away. Given how she is I highly doubt she will give you any worthwhile conversation and resorts to defending herself because she can't handle the 'expectation' of not treating someone else like shit

>>33369010
Fair enough. I can't control someone else's emotional state. Surely a time comes when someone has to either shit or get off the pot, though, right? It's been a year and some change...

>>33369016
Can I ask what eventually happened in your situation? And if you picked up any lessons along the way?

>>33369028
If you want a family, maybe you should make moves on other women, interested in a family with you.

You could see this experience by any perspective you will. Right now you see yourself like some sort of therapist, like if she needed you for something. If I were in your shoes, I would see if I could use the opportunity as a way to know myself better. It looks like a great opportunity to do that.

>>33369047
My situation is basically the same. Was in a relationship then she gave the same bullshit she gave you and pushed me further away until I said I'm done with this whack shit she's putting me through. Guesa what? She never apologized for her blatant treatment of me that I explained how it makes me feel, she only said sorry that I felt these things. Do you really want to deal with a person like this? This treatment of another person is asinine and does nothing but bruise you and affect your approach to other women.

>>33369044
>She does not want commitment.

Yeah, she's even said as much. I guess I'm just in denial, and I'd hoped that with time things would change.

>>33369046
>Given how she is I highly doubt she will give you any worthwhile conversation and resorts to defending herself because she can't handle the 'expectation' of not treating someone else like shit

This is pretty much how it goes. The last time she flaked on me without saying anything, I called her out she said, "Why would I want to spend time with someone who acts juvenile when they don't get what they want?"

I was kind of stunned. I'm not allowed to be upset when someone who I already don't see very often cancels plans without explanation? And it's not like I came at her hurling insults or anything.

>>33369056
> maybe you should make moves on other women

I think this drills down to the heart of the issue, which is, unsurprisingly, I have incredibly low self esteem and really extreme social anxiety. So when I find someone, they feel safe to me, and I feel relieved to have a person I can be close to and intimate with, away from the stresses of the world. Putting myself out there is like pulling my guts out.

>>33368799 (OP)
Thx for the Snow woman, OP.

>>33369120
Damn. That hits pretty close to home. And yes, a growing concern of mine is that she's teaching me all the wrong lessons when it comes to healthy relationships. I keeping hoping against hope for some sort of closure, or explanation, or apology, or moment of introspection that will never come. I know it will never come, but I can't seem to make myself BELIEVE it.

>>33369175
Anytime. That's not the girl I'm talking about, but she is pretty cute.

>>33369167
But you don't have a person, you have a friend. Continue your search. I know how it is to have this kind of anxiety. To live with that may become even worse than to face your fears at some point. I guess everyone has to face the challenges of life at some point, and this may happen when the person is ready, resolved to do it. You can start thinking about it. Start thinking about fixing every flaw you believe you have.

>>33369213
I think a tentative first step could be getting a new job. She's a customer where I work, so I see her frequently. If she were out of sight, it'd be easier to put her out of mind. I need to leave the service industry if I'm going to move forward in life anyway.

>>33369229
Take a good look into entrepreneurship. Seems like the best job.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Entrepreneur/

>>33368799 (OP)
>This girl has thoroughly put me in my place and I don't know what to do.
Obviously, you find another woman who doesn't. You don't have to put all your eggs in one basket.

She's an avoidant. Save yourself pain and heartache. Keep it casual while finding someone else who wants commitment. You will never ever get commitment. She will discard you and ghost. Prepare for that. Look up relationship attachment styles. Sounds like you've gotten yourself stuck in the anxious avoidant trap. Good luck. Do not get attached.

>>33368799 (OP)
the fact you are in this situation and need advice from a paper airplane folding forum to know what the answer is makes me lose all respect for you. you deserve everything you get.

>>33368928
i sleep with my female friends all the time. we even have a game for it: first person to catch feels looses. i always win (i am a sociopath).

>>33368928
Yes it happens often. Its disgusting, tends to cause a lot of issues, and is bad for society. It's an indicator that things are going downhill, with how common it's become.
Everything is sexual, nobody wants commitment or is even capable of pair bonding or trusting each other like that anymore, and everyone is fucking or has dirty secrets behind closed doors. well except for incels and the poorly socialized. they get locked out of everything. its a rapidly growing class of untouchables and invalids that don't get to experience anything meaningful or intimate in society at all.

>>33369929
Maybe it's not so upsetting that it happens, it's more upsetting that so many people don't get a piece. Lmao

>>33369989
That's part of it. I think late stage capitalism has engendered this idea that there are winners and losers in society, and that's trickled down into our interpersonal relationships. Hence, the 'situationship'. Neither party is committed, thus both parties are waiting for the other to invest more and be declared the loser. Bother winners and losers wind up the same way: alone.

It's a really sour way to live your life, and it's unfortunate that our social programming is turning out this way.

>>33369989
Yeah, you're right. That's why I think of it as disgusting. Even though they aren't doing anything morally wrong, its a clear indicator and reminder of all the people who don't get to engage in any level of social or physical connection at all, while they just casually have it even in friendships like nothing.

I find it difficult to take conservative positions on political or social matters for that reason though. I'm just mad because I'm losing. If I were winning then I would be a staunch supporter of such sexual freedom and liberation.
I guess I feel like those behaviors inherently lead to disparity in outcomes and societal instability, but I don't have any philosophical/ethical framework with which I convince people NOT to engage in those behaviors.
>>33370147
I respect your opinion but disagree it is wholly the fault of muh late stage capitalism. I think you are overestimating how much of it is due to "social programming" versus inherent human nature. There is no doubt that unregulated free market capitalism has a part to play in it. Technology does too. If I could blow all of us to pre social media times I would.
It's kinda retarded but I feel like I'm a turbocommie when it comes to social shit. Like Brave New World everybody should just be socially mandated to fuck eachother at request shit. But economically I'm more of a Keynesian/Mixed-Market Capitalist.
Also situationships are the problem of the privileged and I have no sympathy for people who get into them. May they all live in emotional torment.

>>33370217
Capitalism works because it replicates the way things work in nature. When people come in and try to modify things (saving that poor prey from getting eaten) then it throws the entire ecosystem out of wack and causes even greater problems.

>>33370265
I agree. That's why I am a capitalist and why I am anti-technology, or more accurately, social technology.