I'm a 19yo dude living in a studio apartment that my parents have graciously paid the rent for in addition to my college tuition, which is insanely high due to the fact that I have to pay out-of-state fees (moved two states away just to attend after getting a pretty nice couple of scholarships). They aren't the most financially stable people so me even needing their help makes me feel like an absolute leech.
Here's the issue: I can't find a job anywhere even though I have a decent amount of experience from being a major workaholic in high school. This past freshman year has been a non stop torture for me academically for reasons I can't even begin to rationalize, with my motivation to do my coursework extremely high yet the second i sit down to do any of it I can't even bring myself to touch my fucking keyboard. I will block out entire days to make myself do my coursework, but end up wasting every hour. I feel genuine physical pain bringing myself to do even the most menial of tasks. My GPA has fucking tanked over the last 10 months, I have lost all of my scholarships, I'm on academic probation and basically on my way to losing any hope of continuing my academic career.
I was never like this before I came here. I have gained 20 pounds, I have a non-existent social life, I feel my soul shatter every week when I have to call my dad for money. My mental has deteriorated beyond what I thought was ever possible for myself; There is literally not one moment of my life that hasn't been shrouded in an ominous dread of my future and intense stress. What the hell am I supposed to do to fix any of this? Or am I done for, and the only last route for me is to sell everything I have and live on the beach in my car sucking cock for gas money.

>>33374942 (OP)
first of all, you aren't done for, you're 19. Even in the worst case scenario you aren't even close to done for. Your story reminds me a lot of what I experienced when I went away to college after high school, and my parents were paying for everything. Was a good student in high school, things went reasonably well my freshman year. But then it all started going to shit, became very depressed, couldn't even bring myself to go to classes. Was avoiding talking to my parents, wouldn't take their calls. Until eventually one day my dad showed up unannounced after driving halfway across the country to see what was happening. Even then I still pretended everything was ok.

Ultimately though I dropped out, moved back in with my parents, got in therapy, was on meds briefly, started working, years later discovered what I was really passionate about and when I felt I was older and mature enough to handle college again I went back and things went very well. Just recently graduated from law school and I'll be starting a new job at a law firm in the fall. If you compare where I'm at now, to where I was at 19 when I looked like your picture it is WORLDS apart.

But there's a lot more to this story that I'd like to discuss with you, and give you more advice on. If you want, message me on discord, my username there is favelour.

You'll be okay. Like the other anon said you're 19, and you can have so many different opportunities to do good in life. I would suggest maybe somehow seeing a therapist? I know you said you're not depressed but it feels like something is wrong. How difficult are your classes? Is your lack of motivation driven by the topics difficulty? Maybe switching majors can be a good choice for you?

In my mind, your "worst" (emphasis on the air quotes) case scenario would probably go down like this. Go back home, live with your parents while enrolling in trade school or community college. Homemade meals cause your weight to return to normal. You graduate and join the work force making decent money. Obviously this is just an example, but I just want to show you that it really isn't "over" in any sense of the word.

I’d give anything to be 19 again

>>33374942 (OP)
Anon, life is long and there will be many twists and opportunities.
You might be overwhelmed and feel locked by so much stuff that is going on, plus you might be depressed.
My suggestion: tell your parents that you want to drop out and want to go back home, that things are not going well and you haven't even been able to fnd a job. You will end up saving money (yours and your parents money) by doing this. Then find a job at home (don't hurry, no pressure), maybe keep studying by yourself and find another path in life.
You will feel bad for dropping out but also really relieved when this sad nightmare is over. Just forget about it, move on and try again. Good luck, anon.

>>33374942 (OP)
Your university has a whole office dedicated to finding you a reasonable part time job on or near campus. In fact,it's usually a proviso of your scholarships