So I’ve been together with my husband for 12 years, married for 4. We have a baby together.

Before my husband, I was never a big sexual person. I’m not a prude, but I felt certain sexual acts were degrading to me. Over the years I’ve opened up more, but I still find trouble with initiating sex or enjoying certain sexual acts. I guess I’m either just very vanilla or I just have no motivation to perform certain acts.

For example, I’ve become more comfortable giving my husband blowjobs over the years and have gotten better at it, but I personally don’t enjoy performing the act itself. I do enjoy pleasing my husband however, which in turn, turns me on.

My husband likes giving facials, which I also don’t enjoy receiving, but I do it because it gives my husband pleasure.

While we were in the car today, my husband asked if he could give me a facial later, and I said sure. Then he said “nah, I won’t do it if you don’t enjoy it”. I said I do it to please him, but he said he doesn’t want to do anything I don’t enjoy. Then the idiot I am blurted out “I don’t enjoy giving blow jobs, but I enjoy doing it for you”. And that’s when he got upset.

He sarcastically said, “Oh thanks, it makes me feel really good to know after all these years you hate sucking on my dick.” I told him I don’t enjoy the act itself but that I enjoy seeing him get pleasure from it. He said “Would I ask you to go to a football game with me, even though you hate football? No. It’s the same thing. I enjoy going down on you, but I guess you just don’t like doing anything sexual with me except missionary.”

Cont

>>33382805 (OP)
I just didn’t know what to say at that point, and we were silent on the rest of the car ride home and now things are awkward between us.

I don’t know how to resolve the situation at this point. I just feel like such an asshole because I didn’t think he’d take it so personal. What do I do? I know if I try to give him a BJ now, he will just reject it and think I’m forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do.

There’s also the question as to why I don’t enjoy giving BJs or initiating sex in general. Is it truly because I’m just not a sexual person or I just lack motivation along with everything else lately in my life?

>>33382805 (OP)
>>33382812
It doesn't matter if you don't enjoy it, if you've given head to other men in the past you are obliged to do that for the father of your children
Either than or let him cheat and spray his baby batter on some hooker's face. At least you won't have to worry about him starting a second family kek.

>>33382812
Some people just don't like giving/receiving oral, you're a sexual person so long as you like having sex with your husband

The best thing to do is give your husband time to process it. He's probably feeling very hurt and rejected and unsexy right now. After giving it some time, you can fix this by impressing upon your husband that you enjoy sex with him: initiate sex and do a position you really like and tell him how much you love his cock while yall are doing it

>>33382805 (OP)
Interested in this thread because I'm in the opposite boat. I am the bf

She never reciprocates oral unless I ask, and she doesn't like me cumming inside or playing with/eating her ass but she lets me sometimes because she knows I like it. I wish she was more adventurous.

>>33382823
> if you've given head to other men in the past

I actually haven’t. Maybe once or twice with an ex but it was new to me and it felt very awkward and degrading. I’m not a prude but I can’t explain why I found the act of performing it uncomfortable.

>>33382812
>What do I do?
Explain to him that (female) sexuality has a lot to do with the feeling of being desired, which can also be obtained by giving your partner intense pleasure. Thus you deriving pleasure form blowjobs even if you don't enjoy the act in itself.
He sounds not very experienced, because this is actually quite common in women.

>Is it truly because I’m just not a sexual person or I just lack motivation along with everything else lately in my life?
Has it always been like this, or only lately?

>>33382805 (OP)
Sounds like your fuckup was long before today.

>>33382805 (OP)
>While we were in the car today, my husband asked if he could give me a facial later,
Your husband sounds like he's got the eroticism and romance of a retarded 12 year old boy.

>There’s also the question as to why I don’t enjoy giving BJs or initiating sex in general. Is it truly because I’m just not a sexual person or I just lack motivation along with everything else lately in my life?

whatever who cares, marriage is where sex ends anyways. If bro wanted to get his dick sucked he should've been flirting with sluts at bars instead of putting a baby in a wife.

>>33382901
>Has it always been like this, or only lately?

I think in general I have lost motivation for a lot of things. All my life I wanted to be an illustrator, and ever since I graduated art school, I’ve gradually lost my passion for it. Maybe it’s because of the rise of social media and the fact I was doing art to impress others enough to hire me. All I know is I was happier and more motivated when I was in high school/art college but it’s probably because I didn’t have to worry about responsibilities. I also had a higher sex drive. I never went past first base but I was definitely initiating make out sessions and enjoyed getting off by dry humping.

When I graduated 15 years ago and moved back with parents, that’s when I gradually lost my passion for drawing and everything else. I used to love anime but I have no desire to watch any new series in the past 10 years. I also loved gaming, but I barely have time to play and now have to force myself to find time. Back in high school, I loved posted fanart on deviantArt. Now with instagram, twitter, tumblr, etc. it just feels like there’s so much competition in getting my art out there. It also takes me forever to finish a piece so it feels like too much effort with very little reward.

Now during my free time, I just want to zone out on my phone browsing Instagram and 4chan. I wonder if this is affecting my sex drive as well.

I plan to see a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. Maybe medication can help whatever my issue is.

>He sounds not very experienced, because this is actually quite common in women.

My husband did say I was his first, but he’s implied that he’s given and received oral with other women before me

>>33382805 (OP)
I don't think there is any way out of this one, I'm afraid. You've basically told your husband that he's been sexually assaulting you for the past twelve years without realising that he was doing it. He's absolutely stricken with guilt, and angry at you for putting him in that position without telling him what he needed you to know. I'd be furious with you too.

>>33382812
>There’s also the question as to why I don’t enjoy giving BJs or initiating sex in general. Is it truly because I’m just not a sexual person or I just lack motivation along with everything else lately in my life?
Very likely you're just not a sexual person. You probably don't have a very sensitive mouth either - do you enjoy kissing? Some people really enjoy the sensation of something stroking over their lips and tongue, and others don't. Depends how you're wired.

I suppose it might be worth you and your husband going to a sex therapist and doing sensate focus exercises.

>>33383038
>You didn't know it but you were raping me for years teehee
This drama wouldn't happen if you were a fat basement dwelling gooner unironically

>>33382812
>Is it truly because I’m just not a sexual person or I just lack motivation along with everything else lately in my life?
Depressed?

>>33383031
>I plan to see a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. Maybe medication can help whatever my issue is.

It may be a better idea to see a talk therapist. Unless you have actual schizophrenic episodes or somethign like that , it is unlikely blasting yourself with psychoactive meds is a great idea. Pleas eb careful, the psachiatrist may want to make a sale, but it may not be in your interest. Medication is a last resort, not a first step. Though many pill pushers nowadays see differently, especially if you ar ein the US.


>Now during my free time, I just want to zone out on my phone browsing Instagram and 4chan. I wonder if this is affecting my sex drive as well.
It honestly sounds like you are in a rut in general. Whens the last time you did anything cool, exciting or new?
Also, hagning together way too much and being stuck in a constant routine tends to kill sexual attraction. Perhaps change it up, do something on your own , get into sports and also motivate your husband to try new things to breathe fresh life into everything.

>My husband did say I was his first, but he’s implied that he’s given and received oral with other women before me

So he really isn't. If this whole BJ thing comes up after a whopping twelfe years, it may be that you haven't had a lot of open communication regarding your likes/dislikes/desires/phantasies. Perhaps a starting point? You could for example start explainign why you do like givingblowjobs despite not enjoying the act itself (which is how I understood your post at least)

>>33383031
This sounds like depression, so you should definitely see that shrink

>>33382805 (OP)
>I’m not a prude, but I felt certain sexual acts were degrading to me.
There's no such thing as a "degrading" sex act. What makes the act degrading is how the man treats you during it and how he feels about you. When my wife gives me a blowjob, I fell nothing but gratitude and love for her, and I make sure she knows how much I appreciate it. I don't treat it as a conquest or objectify her or look down on her for it. Because of this, she loves giving me blowjobs, even though they're hard work and a little physically uncomfortable for her. If your husband doesn't make you feel appreciated and loved and isn't grateful to you when you share your body with him, it's no wonder you don't like having sex with him and you feel resentful. You should! In other words, your problem here isn't about the act itself, but the way your husband sees you and treats you.

Your husband is being manipulative and childish about the whole thing. Blowjobs aren't sexually arousing to most people (other than the arousal you get from giving your partner pleasure, which you mentioned). Does he really expect you to enjoy having a cock jammed down your throat? If you did then you would be using dildos like that. You're not doing it because you like having a cock in your mouth, you're doing it because you care about his pleasure and want to see the pleasure on his face. That's hot as fuck from a guy's perspective, or at least it should be. The fact that your husband is insisting that you need to enjoy the physical act itself is ridiculous.

>>33383031
>Maybe medication can help whatever my issue is.
I very much doubt that. Most psychiatric medication fucks up your sexual responses.

holy shit this thread is moving fast

fuckin, slow down anons holy shit

>>33383073
>Blowjobs aren't sexually arousing to most people (other than the arousal you get from giving your partner pleasure, which you mentioned).
NTA, but this is bullshit. Giving a blow job is enjoyable in the same that kissing,,or sucking on your partner's nipple, is enjoyable. The mouth is very sensitive.

>>33383092
not everyone is keen to put their mouth on the final stop of the digestive system - male or female.

>>33383101
No one was talking about eating ass, anon. No one except you, anyway.

>>33383101
>not everyone is keen to put their mouth on the final stop of the digestive system
They said sucking dick not asshole

>>33383114
>>33383116
boys and girl have pee holes too you know

I'm fine with eating pussy, and god bless the girls who have sucked me off, but I know there's tons of dudes who can't get over the mental ick of knowing piss comes out of a vagina, and vice versa with girls & penises.

>>33382805 (OP)
Sex is like doing drugs. It’s this small part of our lives that we engage in for a momentary euphoria. There is so much more to life and relationships that getting off. He might feel like he’s been doing something wrong which might not be the case. He’ll get over it and if not he’s a bitch

oh jesus christ automod is giving me a hard time, guess I'll split the post in two and start sprinkling *s around

>>33382812
You did him dirty telling him you don't like lollipop*ing his cock and there's no undoing that.
Best you can do is reserve it for 'rewards' or 'special occasions' now, (like most couples..), unless/until you actually change you mind on the subject.

As for why, that's such a normal thing it's kinda mainstream that men never expect spontaneous blowjobs from their wives.
Has been for decades.
Same for women just not being as interested in sex as their spouses, >>33382830 and >>33382901 are good accurate posts

Meanwhile, where psychiatry is concerned, anti-depression stuff is a bad idea as far as sex drive goes, but there ARE substances that can help.
Such as alcohol and weed.
Have you tried alcohol and weed?

>>33383031
sounds like you're seeking emotional validation instead of just practicing a hobby you enjoy in and of itself.
that's something you should talk to a therapist (not a psychiatrist) about, as none of us here are equipped to give you sound advice (atleast, you shouldn't trust any of us to be)

cont

>>33383158

>>33383067
is generally correct but a bit more circumspect about psychiatry and than they should be. drugs can help lots of things that are FAR short of fucking sch*zophrenia, jesus christ this is some cr*nchy gra*ola shit

>>33383073
bruh don't blame her husband for enjoying blowjobs and not trying to be a saint like your supposed happy n*nce ass

some sexual acts are more predisposed to dom/sub/"degredation" than others.
you gonna tell me fucking your wife in the *ss doesn't have any domin*tion aspects?
or are you so blind to that the thought of ass-fucking never crossed your starstruck mind?

OP, have you tried 69'ing instead of the basic/classic kneeling-BJ scenario? That might be a way to alleviate your feelings of being degraded while also letting your husband enjoy your ministrations.

>>33383171
>trying to be a saint
If you have to "try" to be grateful and appreciative and make your wife feel loved and not objectify her then you're a fucking narcissistic asshole. I enjoy blowjobs immensely. Knowing that my wife is choosing to share herself and her body with me makes the experience more exciting for me, not less. Sex should never be at another person's expense. There's nothing wrong or degrading in any sex act so long as it's done with gratitude and love.

>some sexual acts are more predisposed to dom/sub/"degredation" than others.
No they're not. An act is only degrading if you make it degrading.

>you gonna tell me fucking your wife in the *ss doesn't have any domin*tion aspects?
Sorry but I'm not a faggot who likes having shit on my dick.

>>33383067
>>33383158
I’ve tried talk therapy for several months and while it helped with my social anxiety issues, I deal with general anxiety that I hope medication can help with. Basically a lot of negative thoughts and irrational fears that have amplified since having a baby. I also have a tendency to get easily overwhelmed mentally. Maybe that’s a reason behind my lack of sexual initiation?

I also just want to feel motivated to do the things I once loved and enjoyed again. I don’t know if this is caused by anxiety, depression or undiagnosed adhd or ocd.
I’m talking to a psychiatrist to get to the root of my issues.

>>33383212
mmhmm yeah you're PC/mormon/vanilla prude, anon.

some folks LIKE degradation/submission, and INSISTING on them acting as equal partners/accepting responsibility during a sex act would be a (counter-intuitive, for you) disservice that'd lead to a dysfunctional sexual relationship
atleast for wholesome fucking DWEEBS like you

consider opening your mind a bit when it comes to sexuality my well-meaning-but-handicapped (and judgemental) brother

>>33383247
>some folks LIKE degradation/submission
The vast majority of women don't like to be degraded and objectified. You're simply too porn sick to realize this.

>>33383283
and you married the woman who popped your cherry (congrats)

>>33383224
Hey OP, I'd say beware of antidepressants and psychiatry as a solution to your current issues then.
My ex-girlfriend of 5 years and I are in the process of breaking up and finding a new normal because I encouraged her to start anxiolytics a couple years ago, and she subsequently completely lost her sex drive.
Over the intervening years she's come to find any physical affection proffered by sexual beings suspect and repugnant.
Don't start any med that has effects on libido unless separating from your husband and the consequences of that for your child/family are worth the numbness.

>>33382805 (OP)
Bait.

>>33383410
(she basically poked her eyes out and then decided that sighted people are worse off than she is now)

>>33382805 (OP)
part of marriage is doing things you don't like doing to please your partner. You selfish bitch.

>>33383518
OP literally said she does it to please her partner. The issue is the partner is upset that she doesn’t take pleasure in the act itself.

If you don't like blowjobs that's all tbere is to it. This shouldn't cause such a rift in a marriage

>>33384023
>you shouldn't have such high hopes for a marriage
ftfy

>I'm not a prude
You kind of are, but that's not the problem. What I'm more interested in, is how did you not know this about him before you got married? If you're vanilla beans drenched in vanilla essence, why bother marrying a guy who isn't the same? This would always inevitably cause problems.

>>33384041
>you should know what your partner likes sexually befire marriage so you know there is a sembelance of compatibility in our chaotic state as humans

>>33383929
>it’s so obvious
The pleasure I get from giving food to homeless people isn’t a pleasurable act per se. It’s about serving others, which is a type of HIGHER pleasure because it’s up Mazlow’s Pyramid. It’s actually hotter to force women to do shit because they’ll basically do anything short of coprophagia (and even that’s negotiable if you’re discrete and clean).

As for physical acts, the state of arousal changes your perception of your partner. Unaroused, I find a woman’s genitalia looking like squid; Aroused, it is manna from heaven and it is attached to a goddess of destiny and release.


>JUDGMENT
You’re both idiots and deserve each other’s unhappiness.

>>33384184
>you should know what your partner likes sexually befire marriage so you know there is a sembelance of compatibility in our chaotic state as humans
Yes!

People get their ego way too worked up over shit like this. I didnt like eating my ex girlfriends pussy but I thought she extremely sexy and I would love to have her flesh in my mouth all the time. Just not her puss. People get so fucking worked up over their genitalia.

>>33382805 (OP)
Just suck his dick every now and then and stop worrying about whether he thinks you're enjoying it. To a man it doesn't matter what you said in the car hours ago, if you're present and into sex, he doesn't give a fuck and he's not gonna stop you from blowing him. Blowjobs aren't a critical part of a marriage, nor are they a critical aspect of having sex. If you're doing it at all you're doing more than most women who have been married for 12 years.

After our 3rd kid my wife doesn't seem to ever want to have sex and I have to initiate all the time too. I just accepted it, all I can do. Most of the time she gets all gooey and enthusiastic, I can tell she's into it, but sometimes she just sits there looking all grumpy and complains about my dick being too big and painful. I don't like that, makes me feel like a rapist. I guess my advice is it's better to say you're not into it than begrudgingly do something.

>>33384704
>he doesn't care
>he's not gonna stop you
you're wrong bro, dweebs'll do that every time
they've been trained for it
they'll still want to be & enjoy being blown, but they'll throw up road blocks and feel guilty on cue

>>33382812
I mean, that's really considerate of him for refusing something he now knows you don't like, but he's being a dick about it. Tell him that you know he likes the act and want to do it for that reason, just like he probably hates mowing the lawn or changing your oil, but he does it for you. Tell him that when he rejects you like that, you feel as if you're being called ugly, and that your tastes could always change. It's all about acquiring mutual habits and growing together. I, a man, used to hate giving oral to women, but I enjoy doing it for my gf because she enjoys it, and that's good enough for me, and I've started to like it when it's her. It may turn out this way for you, or it may not, but don't beat yourself up too hard over it. Just tell him, that this feels like it's part of the relationship, and that you're not doing it out of obligation, but because there's a payoff in the end. If he can't understand that, then I guess you can stop trying to suck him off. Honestly, I used to prefer having this done by girls who hated it, so unlike your husband, I'm actually quite the scumbag. You could have it worse, but it can always be better. Keep trying.

>>33383031
>Maybe medication can help whatever my issue is.
Your issue isn't gonna be solved by being another faggot addicted to SSRIs. All that shit will do is make you fatter and gayer than ever.

>>33382805 (OP)
Only gay men actually like men. Women just use men. Man-woman relationships are transactional. Women weaponize sex, they're like, hey, I'll give you this thing if you do what I want. I have no idea what god meant by this and I'm an atheist.

>>33382831
This wouldn't happen if you were more attractive and above her league, she wouldn't stop sucking you then. Since you're not, your relationship is transactional. You're generally a good boyfriend and do things for her and you get a modicum of sex in return. You can be respected and liked by your partner, but if you're her looksmatch or, worse, compensate in other forms, she will never really love and be crazy about you. More attractive men would get better sex from her without putting in even a quarter of the amount of effort you do into your relationship. If you confronted her about this, she would say it's not true and that she's just not a sexual person.

>>33382951
>While we were in the car today, my husband asked if he could give me a facial later
>Your husband sounds like he's got the eroticism and romance of a retarded 12 year old boy.
>Babe, I'm picturing cumming all over your pretty face later and it's really turning me on.
Is that better? please give me an example of what would be a better display of eroticism and romance. Suggest getting a bottle of wine and giving her a foot massage?

>>33383038
>sexually assaulting
Strong verbiage

>>33383073
You only feel gratitude if you feel like it's a favor. Your woman *should* want to suck you, not do you sexual favors. No man wants to think he's in a relationship of convenience and the only reason he gets sex is because he's providing something and is somewhat likable. Men want to be loved and desired too and you're not loved and desired because you deserve it or earned it. If that's the case, you're only worth what you provide. Maybe that's why so many men avoid relationships once they realize this bitter truth. Like I said before, it seems like the only people who really love men are gay men. Women only love a small minority of men who are way above their league, the rest are just beta bucks providers. Contrast this with women where even average or slightly below average females are able to get devoted boyfriends who love them. Hypergamy is a bitch.

>>33382805 (OP)
if OP is still around I am a male anon who hates BJs. I dont like looking down on people, I dont like the girl I like having a dick in her mouth (its gay) and I dont like the idea of some one doing something one sided for me.
he can get over that shit.

>>33385151
I understand hating deep throats. For some reason, everyone I get with for the firs time try to fit my whole dick in their mouth and just end up hurting me and I'm not even that big, but hating blowjobs overall? nah.

>>33385156
I think its just because I hate my own dick so much I just dont want it near anyone's face.
I fully understand how its unfair in that girls find them hot but its on the same level as pee play to me.

>>33382805 (OP)
>>33382812
Go to sex therapy with him, or couples therapy.
This is probably a bigger deal to him than you think.
He probably feels repulsive and disgusting right now.

>>33385159
>girls find them hot
I would say a lot of them don’t. They like the full picture and are turned off by dick pics.

>>33385229
than I have no problem. no BJs is good for me.