I kept telling her that I was feeling unheard and that I started to feel intimidated to talk about our issues with her and she kept telling me that she was not feeling the same and that we just have different opinions on this matter.

I never heard her say "okay, even if you think like that and I don't, let's try to fix things so that we can both feel the same".

She said she felt sorry I feel like this, said that she was feeling bad that this will be the reason I will end stuff. I was hoping for a "let's talk things over and figure it out", but she just accepted it. I said multiple times that, that was the thing I wanted btw. She always shuts down and ignores me.

The painful thing is. She is very loyal, she cared for me as well. I had the feeling that she would even die for me. But when things get heated, I feel like she's more trying to be the "right" person than finding a solution together. There's nothing of cheating or physical abuse. We would curse, but even we never called each other whores or other stuff. I used to say that she's stupid asf and that it sometimes feels like I am talking to a person with the mind of a child.

I keep asking to set things directly straight as soon as possible, but she wants to stay silent for days if I don't push.
It gets so tiring to be the only one that tries to set things straight. I always try, she just says "Fine, if you don't want me, we'll go our ways".

---

>>33385906 (OP)
---
The thing is. I think she's literally dumb and gets too emotional and defensive in a fight.
it makes it impossible to talk to her. I can let her chill for a couple days, but that makes me feel unease and sometimes I escalate stuff in my mind "I keep thinking, why can't she just talk about this normally to find a solution?"

I also keep saying that. I keep saying this so many times. After some time I get so fed up and start being immensly rude and start cursing, but I really really do my best before I get to that point. And when that happens, she tells me, I have no respect for her. Idk if she really is trying to manipulate me or doesn't understand what she's doing is hypocritical.

I literally think that she loves me, but that she's too stupid and low iq to realize how she's bad in handling conflict with me. OR am I too stupid to try to talk and have a relationship with this kind of behaviour?

She never asked for my money, she even always paid for me. She bought me expensive presents even bros. She never ever complained about not going out due it being expensive...

I feel so bad as if I am making a mistake bros, I keep crying for making her sad with this, she does deserve the world, but I really really get tired and just want to leave her all alone when we are in a fight. I feel trapped unable to enjoy my time, when she decides to shut down. I feel like if I just leave, that makes it like I am taking distance from her. if I enjoy my time while shes unresponsive, it makes me feel like I am a monster that doesnt cares about her feelings.

100% of the time, we never had serious problems. It was always about something tiny like buying the wrong toilet paper. When things get hard, I have try 500% to set them straight and somtimes she still takes her time and mine turns into hell and I need to just sit there sad.

>>33385914
I just blocked her, I don't want to open any kind of easy over the air hope open for myself.

I really feel bad idk what to do

I really want to be with her again, but she has to come and try to fix the conflict this one time... I feel like I cannot talk to her when things get hard and who can marry someone like that??

What if later on when we marry, she decides that she no longer wants me and leaves me without even trying to talk? That's my biggest issue. When she locks on a thought she does not change and just goes for it.

Her "we have different opinions on this matter" argument makes impossible to win.

"We just have different opinions, it is what it is". Not it has to be "even with different opinions, let's try to find a solution that makes us both happy".
She knows where I live or can contact my parents or idk... it's not impossible to reach me I think with a fake account or phone number...

if she doesn't tries to at least tell me "let's talk things over" and just acccepts this I'll just let her go I think...

>>33385924
my biggest issue is that i feel like I am hurting her.

I feel like, her pride is too high to give in and I should be the one to compromise and fix stuff.

It tears me apart that she's sad right now

>>33385906 (OP)
>>33385914

You sound anxiously attached. You want people to feel the same way as you, and if they don’t or won’t, it eats you alive because you become afraid for some reason. You ever considered that you can feel differently or even in opposition to someone, yet still respect and love them?

You seem to operate on 100% feelings. That’s not sustainable. Because feelings come and go and flicker on and off, they are not rational. Choice is rational, cognitively and mentally understanding that you don’t need to set things straight or feel the same way, that you can be individuals as well as relationship partners to each other. Where you do something called ‘compromise’, where you both get what you want in some capacity. Without changing each other or yourselves.

If you fear that if she didn’t comply to your emotions then somehow it was a sign she’d leave or abandon, then take a step back. Ask if you only feel this way because it’s what you would do. Then realize

>I just blocked her

Because thats what you just done. You did the thing you perhaps accused her of, or feared of her: that refusal to share the same feelings = abandonment. You seemingly refused hers, and then you abandoned the relationship.

>>33385939
what was the right thing to do here?

I already get a big "here we fucking go again feeling" about the thought of trying to reach her again.

is it really too much to ask to just calmly talk about stuff when we have a fight?

>>33385945
>is it really too much to ask to just calmly talk about stuff when we have a fight?

Nope. It’s not too much to ask. But some people feel it’s too much to give at that moment. Some people want to decompress, process, and calm down and assess the situation. Time to cool off etc. That’s not too much to ask for either.

So you’re right to ask for wanting resolution. She is right for wanting not to talk about shit ‘till she’s certain she has the mental energy to do that. Problem happens when you or her fail to verbalise those needs. Problems happen when you both expect each other to play emotional psychic and act the part of the scripts you wrote in your head of how things should look.

“Id like this solved. Can we talk about this later when you’re up for it?”

“Hey, babe, look I want time to process things. I dont want to continue talking about this argument. At least not right now. I want to resolve it, but I need some time, OK?”

thats how it should be. And if its not like that, it means both of you have bad communication or built bad faith for each other.

You block her and stonewall. She won’t want to keep going back to arguments to solve shit wih you. Why? Because now she fears there is a punishment of getting blocked if she does.

>>33385939
I asked her to talk about it for an hour before I left her house. She just mumbled bs and never wen with the "let's fix things". She kept telling me, I don't think I do anything wrong.


when I left I texted her and there she did the same thing, but told me she felt bad that I feel this way. But again she said it was not her intention and didn't try to say "maybe we can fix stuff"


at the end I just decided to block, because not blocking = me still having hope.

I feel like a dog on a leash if I don't cut contact.
She can always try and make a fake account to reach out to me if she really wants to.

I also told her that, having her not blocked just made me feel uneasy and that I didn't hate her.

>>33385960
I tried that.

We once had a fight like this.

I told her okay, I won't bother you until we get home, let's just go out and eat and we'll talk at home okay?

She said sure, we went home we talked, it did not felt satisfying. In the morning I asked other questions and she was very irritated by it.

There was no problem at all, she just answered and there was that.

The thing is, this was about me finding messages on her phone and I just wanted clarity. So this time the subject was infidelity. But I had it completely wrong.


When I do something she dislikes, I go over to top to make sure that she has no questions in her mind. I know she likes to keep it inside her, so I do my best to answer every question she has and does not dare to ask.


But when it gets to me I don't get that. IT FEESL LIKE I am telling one by one what to tell me to make me feel good and respected.

I don't ask anything that;s outrageous. I don't try to belittle her while asking questions. I just don't want doubt in my head.

That's a lot of words to describe every woman ever. They are all prideful and live moment to moment. Women come and go, and the men have to deal with the long term emotional fallout. Women don't. They get over a years long relationship in like two weeks. It's just how it is. When she's done with you, she's done. She won't reach out and she won't come back. Forget her. Unless she starts to wall and runs out of every other option years later-- that is the only instance a woman ever comes back. You're already dead to her dude. Any issues you're still mulling over are non existant to her at this very moment. She's probably thinking about the tiktok she's watching or what she wants for lunch. Start the detachment process asap, that's all you can do. You're entirely in your own head about it now-- it happens to every man. You're gonna just be in your jead about it for a while now. But if she said she is done than yeah, follow suit man.

>>33385960
I think the reality is that I just started to hating her more and more with every conflict. Every time I went to her to set things straight while she kept telling me to not come or to leave her alone and FIXING stuff. I hated her a little bit more.

>>33385990
she's not shallow, just pridefull.

Maybe she'll try to forget me and the pain by watching tiktok. But I know she didn't want this neither. I just don't know what I am doing anymore.

I am not perfect and she's also not perfect. I lose my cool when I get angry after a certain time. I say very hurtfull things, but I keep telling her that I won't do that if she can just talk to me instead of repeating the same tactic for every conflict.


Imagine trying to explain that the world is round to a flatearther, that's how it feels like sometimes.


But she's really a good person, but for some reason I do feel a bit lighter, with less things to carry on me. Like I feel a bit free.

I feel like the clock is ticking and that I should just unblock her and tell her if she wants to talk stuff over.

We usually just end up saying "lets forget it" and cuddle.

I just know that if I do this, the next time she's gonna get angry and I will want to just go to my own house, but I find that sooooooooo fucking irritating.

Why can't she help resolve our conflicts for once.

Am I being a pushover if I try to contact her again? Would she try to reach me with a different mean? Or will she just accept that I don't want her? I just don't know anymore

>>33386006
Yeah well sometimes it's better for two people to go separate ways if they end up being stressful for each other. I understand wanting to try but women would rather dip for the short term relief than stay and put effort in to change. Again, this is every relationship's end ever. She doesn't want to change for the relationship and you can't make her. When women become more trouble than they're worth you let them be alone. If she WANTED to change to make things work with you she would. You probably reacted too soon with immediate blocking but it's understandable. But it's out of your hands now. Let it go, if it comes back to you, blah blah blah.

>>33386019
You sure its resolution and talking stuff over you want? I mean this without disrespect, just a neutral observation - you sound like you seek reassurance. You argue or get bad feelings, then you pursue reassurance. You more or less want a ‘its okay I still love you, even if we felt anger for each other.’ Which is fine to want by the way. But if you are for some reason too ashamed or proud to admit thats what you need, you’ll end up masking it in another prolonged ‘talk’ which just plays out like an interrogation or trying to win some points for a jury. Like some legalistic argument lol.

Look man, some times theres conflicts that can be resolved. And some that can’t. Those that can’t dont automatically mean “breakup”. Sometimes it means “mutually move past it”. Unless the conflict is critical and it cant be looked past, like conflicting values on loyalty or exclusivity, or shit that endangers each other or themselves like drug abuse or alcohol abuse.

If you unblock her, you need to decide now, today, without reassurances from anyone, that you intend to do one of two things:

1) Continue relationship. Never block out of lashing out again. Thats killing the relationship

2) Unblock but decide to calmly end things permanently, and then block one final time for good.

You can’t pick both.

>>33385906 (OP)
>I'm sorry you feel that way
nothingburger
But otherwise she just has an avoidant style, some people look at someone confronting them and think we don't need to be doing all this, they don't feel anxiety or pressure to "fix" it as soon as possible, they rather let it cool out. My mom is this way. I rather that than an emotional girl who puts me on a rollercoaster though.

She probably has BPD or something. I just came out of a years-long relationship with one and I feel so exhausted. Some people just can't do emotional maturity. And you can't fix/change her if she doesn't want to. Believing so is folly and you're just going to hurt yourself, every time.

I'm sorry man, just leave her. Walk away. If she wants to work on things, she will. If she doesn't, there is nothing you can do but accept it.

>>33385906 (OP)
talk about difficult things after having sex. Perhaps you are presenting your issues as personal attacks. It really isnt clear to me what your relationship issue is either desu. What exactly do you want to communicate to your girlfriend that she isnt hearing?

>>33389154
>And you can't fix/change her if she doesn't want to.
And more importantly it's not your fucking job to fix or change them. I get so fucking tired of seeing women say this shit. And no it's not just retarded fucking zoomers it's women my age too (late 20s, early 30s).

I'm sorry you have trauma. Or emotional or mental issues. I get it isn't easy. But fix your bullshit before you try and jump into a relationship. You being abused or broken isn't my fault. It's not anyone but the person who abused or broke you fault. And if you're just a mentally ill broken person, well then that's nobody's fault. But trying to push that shit onto your partner is fucking pathetic and so many women do it. I just don't get why like 90% of them think it's our job to fix them.

>>33389237
Can you say with honesty that you haven't done the same to someone else?

>>33389245
I legit haven't. My only issues were depression but I also know that there are no cures for mental illnesses. You have good days, you have bad days, sometimes you even have good months or decades. Like me personally, I haven't felt depressed since like 2017. I've been relatively good although I hit some rough patches during the lockdown in 2020. But I've never brought that baggage to a relationship. I realize that while I may not have to go through it alone, it's my own problem. It's not my wife or girlfriend's responsibility. But a lot of women seem to think that that responsibility falls on their partner and if you're dating them it's your job now to fix their broken pieces. I know it's corny and cliche as fuck but the whole "you gotta learn to love yourself before you can love someone else" is very true. How can you love/co-exist with another human being if you can't even sort out your own shit?

>>33389264
By talking to that person about the things that are bothering whichever of you, and trying to figure out something that helps? It's not your job to fix someone else's emotional baggage. Do you expect them to help you through rough patches during the relationship? Or are you just two separate beings that coalesce for dinner, dates, an occasional fuck, and talking about the Kardashians? You're shitting on an opportunity to deeply connect.

>>33385945
There is no 'right' thing to do. There is no such thing as attatchment styles, stop listening to these people. You felt a way and it wasn't met with openness, and you reacted in a manner that was sought to be fit for your experience. It's fine, just cry about this shit for a few months and move on

>>33389275
Reread my post.
> I realize that while I may not have to go through it alone, it's my own problem.
Helping someone and literally expecting them to fix your trauma are two different things. Helping you because you have anxiety or panic attacks is one thing. Expecting me to fix your or heal your trauma because you dated some asshole who abused you is a totally different thing. It's not my job to fix that. Just like it's not her job to fix my trust issues if I dated some whore that cheated on me. Your baggage is your baggage, I don't get what's difficult to comprehend about this?

>>33389281
This is not an openness to someone else. It's a part of who they are, and should be met with as much care and acceptance as possible. Things go bad when opposition is met, but when there is a mutual openness to another then there are oppourtunities to allow a closeness to build. The issue with OP seems that this woman is not open to his whole being which set off his reactive decisions.

>>33389286
I wasn't even referring to OP's case. I was responding to someone else's post in the comments. As far as OP is concerned he should just leave that bitch alone. It's clear as day she isn't even willing to fight for the relationship. And I'm not even talking toxic, fighting, I mean actually fighting to save the realtionship. If it's really just as easy as "well we just disagree, oh well, we should break up" then take a hint and break up.

Either 1. she doesn't care and this shit doesn't bother her in the slightest or 2. she's pretending that she doesn't care and it doesn't bother her in the slightest, which is a red flag, nobody has time for the kiddie high school drama no chase me, chase me shit.

I was in a relationship years ago where the chick wouldn't listen to any of my issues that I had with her. She'd talk my ear off for hours about shit I did that she didn't like and then would I try and address my issues she would just write the shit off and try to solve it by just throwing sex at me. It also didn't help that she was BPD as fuck too.

>>33389386
such is life