For the sake of brevity, this scene from Bojack Horseman is literally me. Bojack that is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zCAD1M7Y18

>I wanted to be better when you saw me again. And I thought I could be somehow, but I'm not. And even if I did get better, the best I could ever be is still just some other version of me.

I have a history of mental illness, mainly a really bad case of OCD (professionally diagnosed), probably some form of ADHD (only professionally discussed), and I'm afraid of letting people into my life, because I don't want them to see how fucked up I truly am. I am superficially charismatic and outgoing, so people are often confused, sometimes upset, when I withdraw for extended periods of time with no warning. Diane's words here really struck a nerve with me.

>I can't wait for you to be better.

Should I tear down my walls and let people into my world, despite how ashamed I am over the state of it? I'm tired of holding out for better times that never seem to come. Anyone else here with a history of mental illness that have experience with this?

>>33395802 (OP)
>Should I tear down my walls and let people into my world, despite how ashamed I am over the state of it?
Yes this is literally one of the only way to get over shame - is to meet it with fucking empathy.
>ocd and adhd
Talk therapy NOW.

>>33395833
>Yes this is literally one of the only way to get over shame - is to meet it with fucking empathy.
I think you're right. When I look back upon my life, one of my biggest shortcomings as a person is my inability to reach out to other people.

>Talk therapy NOW.
I have gotten a lot of therapy in my life, but a couple years ago, they didn't think I was bad enough to continue coming in, despite me being fucked up enough to the point where I can't properly function in everyday life like most people. The reason was that I am not suicidal, and I am mentally stable, and there are just so many people struggling today that demand priority, that they didn't have the capacity to see me anymore.

Then again, I'm not sure how much talk therapy can help with OCD. I kinda have all the tools I need to lead myself out of the woods by myself at this point, I just feel like my improvement is moving along too slowly.

>>33395892
>talk therapy for ocd
Literally light years beyond
Source: am functional after debilitating ocd+bipolar
Avoid CBT by any capacity + anything that isn’t open ended talk therapy

>>33395802 (OP)
Bojack horseman is a cartoon personification of male BPD. Borderline personality disordered to shit. Self sabotages, acts like he is above it all, drinks, smokes, lives like shit, pretends to care but when push comes to shove, will throw others under the bus, then demand that people acknowledge he is the victim. Can only ever think of himself then wonders why people stop thinking about him.

>Should I tear down my walls and let people into my world, despite how ashamed I am over the state of it?
Yes and no. Only do that for people who are trustworthy. Be selective. Have boundaries, but don't close yourself off with those boundaries too much. Balance is key. Letting people into your world is fine so long as those people respect your world. But if you let a psychopath in, or a malignant piece of shit, your world gets cancer.

Keep the assholes out, let the decent people in. Snakes like to pretend to be decent. And sometimes who you think is an asshole is actually honest. Tricky bit of management but doable once you get good at knowing who's who. The best way to know is by ignoring what people say, focus instead on what they do (or don't do).

Example: Person 1 sees an old person in front of them on the street. They say "aww sweet elderly person." Old person takes a fall. Person 1 walks on by, no care to help them. Just walks on like a piece of trash was in their way. That's the snake.

Person 2 sees the old person walking slowly in front of them. Says under their breath "fuck sake old lady, hurry up." You might think it's a snake. Old lady takes a fall. Person 2 drops their attitude, rushes to help. Calls for an ambulance or people to help.

It's in the action. Once you figure out someone is a snake or untrustworthy or can't be depended on in their actions, keep em out of your inner world.

>>33395802 (OP)
I won't read attached video in lieu of a written request for advice thread.

>>33396384
>Avoid CBT by any capacity + anything that isn’t open ended talk therapy
Really? The OCD specialists I've been occassionally meeting with these past few years have said the polar opposite, that CBT is the only thing that works, since you eventually get used to the things in life that are triggering your intrusive thoughts, while talk therapy often makes the disorder worse, since it can often enable to patient with indulging in mental rituals.

Why is the opposite true? Do you have experience with this?

>>33396691
You are right for the most part; I'm all too aware of all this. The problem is mainly that I close off even to people I know are good people, simply because I am an avoidant person by nurture. I grew up with an abusive, hateful and emotionally volatile father, so I learned to hide away from people already by the time I could walk. It's more of a matter whether or not I can unlearn this way of living now well into adulthood.

>But if you let a psychopath in, or a malignant piece of shit, your world gets cancer.
Psychopaths are fairly rare though, aren't they? I don't think I would really benefit from trusting people less than I already do.

>>33397086
Sure- CBT is ok at the bare capacity of “I am having a thought about (xyz)”, and then disqualifying it and immediately moving on from that thought.
Beyond that, cbt is useless for me because I start attacking the typical cbt worksheets with the rigid perspective that I can banish all shame and guilt by completing them and following the steps To A Tee, which is of course, counterintuitive and retarded.
Psychodynamic / analytic therapy lets you address what actually troubles you. Like me being obsessive about (small inconsequential thing), but is just a neurosis that masks the real things I struggle with (insert your own familial circumstances, stressors, hang-ups, etc.)
If I could endorse this message anymore, I’d sign it in blood or something.