It’s been almost five years I finished school and I still only think about revenge. I went to an all-girls secondary school and was bullied relentlessly. I was already spergy when I started so I don’t blame them for bullying someone like that nor do I blame them entirely for how I ended up but how they treated me went far beyond the norm and did severe damage to my social skills, self-esteem and overall mental state that I am still trying to undo to this day.
At the risk of bragging, I now have good job, earn lots, am fit and probably more attractive than half of them yet despite becoming ‘better’ all I want is for them to feel as miserable and helpless as I did and then some. I don’t care if it’s immature, bitter, or spiteful, I want nothing more than harass them on social media endlessly until they give up. I want to make deepfakes and other things that would make me lose my job and get arrested but I just don’t care anymore. Don’t care if it’s edgy, I just want them to suffer. For every old bully who’s a fat fast food worker is one who never got comeuppance and is undeservingly happy and confident.
Call it a LARP, therapy didn’t help and I’ve nowhere else to ask. My restraint is thinning by the day and I will end up doing something stupid. Is there any way to let go of these grudges, forgot about them or just keep myself away?

Just stab them?

>>33400399
I don’t think I could do it. Not just because I’m physically small but I don’t think I could even if I want to.

>>33400392 (OP)
>yet despite becoming ‘better’ all I want is for them to feel as miserable and helpless as I did.

This might be a shocker to you OP but there's no point doing that. They already felt that exact feeling already, being helpless and miserable and wanting to inflict that on others.

Why else did you think they bullied you? What do you think motivates bullies to bully in the first place? Did you seriously believe they did it from a place of happiness or security? They did it because they felt what you are feeling now. The exact same energy.

You saw them as popular or respected or feared and untouchable in school. Probably never saw them get bullied in school, just bullying others. But that's the only place you saw em, at school.

When they went home, they went home to get bullied viciously just like you. Except it was their own parents doing the beating and bullying. Where do you think they learned how to bully in the first place?

My point is you won't be able to make them feeling any new feelings of misery. They already had it before. And you got infected by it.

>>33400556
"But why bully me? I didn't bully them like their parents did at home. I was just being myself and harming no one I was just trying to be happy by myself."

You might ask yourself. That's why they bullied you. They saw you being okay with yourself, being innocent, being unmarked by misery and not at the mercy of peer pressure, just trying to be yourself. And they hated it. Because it reminded them of what they lost, it forced them to see how fucked up they were in comparison. And they wanted your happiness or innocence snuffed out, that way they bring you down to their level. Just as you wanna bring em down to yours now in present day.

You could try to do that. But there's nothing underneath the bottom layer of misery. You get revenge and you will expect relief only to find complete emptiness.

>>33400556
>>33400582
So the reason why you shouldn't seek or exact revenge is because once you cross that threshold, once you enter that emptiness, there's no coming back. You won't die, you won't lose your mind, you will wake up the next day the same as the last. But you won't be able to go back to who and what you were before. Before the bullying, before the misery, before all of that shit. You will lose the ability to return to the spirit of that innocent girl you once were. The one who was helpless and needed help. You won't be able to reach that inner girl in you anymore. The last tiny ember of your innocence, that you think dead already yet exists still, barely, but still alive? That extinguishes. For good. You lose your soul, in a manner of speaking. Take that literally or not, up to you. But that inner child in you loses their saviour when you go down the emptiness of vengeance. That saviour is supposed to be (you) today in the present.

You've been so focused on vengeance you forgot to go back and help that little girl. If you continue, you lose her for good.

Make the right choice

>>33400556
>>33400582
>>33400582
>>33400653
One important and final question for you OP. If you've read this far, I thank you.

If you could go back and time with who and what you are today, and you met your child-self, the little girl in school, who was alone and vulnerable. What would she think of you? If she saw the intent if malice and bitterness in your eye?

She would be scared, of you. You would look exactly like her bullies. You would terrify her.

Question is, do you really think that little (you) back then would be happy that this is how you grew up?

>all-girls secondary school

You need to catch a dick. Mine preferably

>>33400392 (OP)
This anon >>33400653 is correct. Whatever pain and anger you're feeling now is nothing compared to the type of misery you'll feel if you ever do seek revenge. I did, and whatever fleeting sense of catharsis I felt from doing so has been completely overtaken by guilt, shame, and self-loathing. It really does feel like I lost a part of my soul by choosing to give in to those urges, and I'll never be able to undo the damage I caused or be the person I was beforehand. It's a life sentence, and one that I have no one to blame for but myself. The worst part is that my desire for revenge hasn't even gone away, it's just directed at different people now. Absolutely nothing good came from acting on those desires, all it's done is make me a more bitter, selfish person. It's not worth it, trust me.

Know that all children are emotionally underdeveloped as they are kids, not adults. Many people lack empathy who were never taught to have it, or were never placed in situations where they needed someone to be empathetic. They weren't as compassionate as you, but you dont have to be like them.

>>33400556
>>33400582
>>33400653
>>33400740
>>33400848
>>33403291
Thank you all so much for the responses. I can’t give detailed replies right now as I’m working and forgot to check this thread at home but I’ve read through all of the replies and as much as I would like to get back at them and release almost a decades worth of hatred you are right in that doing so would leave me worse off. Not in that I’d become bitter and spiteful because I am already am, but that the great catharsis will never come. It will take restraint but I need to try to keep bettering myself so I never feel inferior to them again. Again I don’t want to brag but I’ve already done better for myself than half of them and I just view them like sad little ants who I won’t even waste time taking seriously, it’s just the other half that got off free and get to do and experience things I could’ve had if they hadn’t destroyed my mental state that gets me. They will never learn or get what they deserve but that’s life I suppose.
>Question is, do you really think that little (you) back then would be happy that this is how you grew up?
Honestly? I wasn’t a bully but always was a little brat until secondary school so I’d probably think I was pretty cool that I stood up to them and got my own back even if it was in the most pathetic way. But that’s not the attitude to have. I wouldn’t think to consider how empty I’d feel even after I got revenge.

>>33404085
Hey thanks for reading the responses. I think it's okay to feel angry and bitter. Nothing wrong with feelings, or thoughts for that matter. It feels shit, but it don't make you a shit person for feeling shit.

What makes someone a bad person is their action. The things they do, either to themselves or others. Your bullies are defined by their actions, we can say they suck. That's reality and you can be rest assured:

>I need to try to keep bettering myself so I never feel inferior to them again
You never were. That's perhaps the place you wanna get to, mentally. And we can know this because you did not allow your thoughts or feelings to define your actions. You were not the bully. They were. You were never inferior.

Always get revenge on your bully if you can.
Make an example to prevent future bullies.

Anyone telling you to sit down and not do shit are likely bullies themselves fearing their own comeuppance.
You deserve Justice
You deserve restitution during your time in what amounts to little more than a prison.
Victims get to sit face to face with Attackers often to get shit off their chest. Many get to know that they are rotting away for years/decades. This is no different.

You will never feel better unless you get your justice. It’s not enough to think they might be doing bad. You have every right to watch and enjoy them suffer. Anything else is cheating yourself.