My wife and I have been together since we were 18, almost 8 years. Her childhood was fucked up: her mom was abusive and an addict, her dad was a passive cuckold (like actual cuck, saw his wife kiss other men and shit). My wife endured serious trauma and raised her siblings basically on her own.

When we met towards the end of Highschool, I helped her escape that life. I worked full-time, took out a loan in my dad's name, and got us a place. We've built a life together, have a child, and things are generally good, except when her family is involved.

She keeps trying to reconnect with them, every other year they have a get together, are "friendly" for a couple of months and then something happens where she distances herself and agrees they are awful.

Then it all repears.

While she's around them, she grows distant from me. Despite everything they’ve done to her, she defends them and makes me feel like the bad guy for drawing boundaries.

Her family is a terrible influence, they are awful human beings (even the young kids are absolute pests), her family has the gaul ask for money, place to stay, etc, which I always refuse. I don’t want them around our child.

We nearly broke up last year over this, and now she’s meeting her dad again to try and “fix things.”

I’m frustrated, exhausted, and honestly worried this might tear us apart, even though I love her and don’t want to lose our relationship over this.

I'm actually afraid one of these days she's going to go fully bonkers, switch sides to her family and try to take our kid. It's getting worse and worse every time.

tell her how you feel. preface the conversation by asking her who has been with her all this time, and continues to be with her, and does his best for her. and who has not done these things. it's noble of your wife to want to extend an olive branch, but how many times will she do that? for how long? when does too much really become too much, and finally lead to drawing a line?
if she has told you about her trauma before, and you she's told you about how she suffered due to her family, point out that you were there for her, risking everything for her, when they weren't. and that you are still here for her, even as they repeatedly fail her. ask her if this repeated suffering, this repeated burning one's hand on the stove, is really what she wants. ask her if she doesn't deserve better, and if your relationship together doesn't deserve better. tell her you love her, and that you are afraid that you are going to lose her to her childhood pain and attachments.
in essence, that's what this is. just the strong residual effects of pain and trauma, which she is trying to overcome in a less than perfect way. be kind and gentle when discussing this with her, and tell her that this is an important conversation that you two need to have, but offer her breaks if she needs them, and take breaks also if tempers start to rise high.
she is in pain, clinging to the root of the pain and trying to fix it. but she is neglecting the present, the life she has right now. she needs to see this.
i hope you two will find continuing happiness, anon.

>>33404611
Thank you, this is good advice. I'm heated at the moment but reading this helps.

>>33404750
i understand the feeling, i deal with women's retarded actions and opinions daily. i am like a full time nanny, basically. but ultimately, getting angry doesn't help. gotta do what's effective. sympathise, encourage, point out the right thing, and trust them to do it. like a good dad would. also, i'd say if this is the only stupid thing your wife does, you are probably relatively lucky in the grand scheme of things. it's a glaring problem, sure, but if and when it is fixed, you'll have a pleasant relationship. there are lots of women out there that are incapable of spending a day without having three separate mental breakdowns over nonsense. i don't say this to downplay your problems, i say it more so to encourage you to try and fix them with a hopeful heart. you have a lot to gain from resolving them successfully, basically. i think it would be worth it.
best of luck anon.

>>33404750
>>33404765
i guess i should expand on this a bit, and add also that you have been together for a long time. you share a special bond, and i think you both value it and want to honour it. you just have to remain conscious of the importance of that bond and the effort necessary to maintain it.
i think my bitterness got the best of me for a second so i focused on more practical stuff in my second post. but how your relationship or wife compare to other relationships or wives isn't really that important. the core thing is that you have been together on this great journey for so long, and you have shared a life with each other. you have been through the drama and the trials, and the good parts too. i sincerely wish you a positive resolution to your adventure. and it is an adventure, even in, or perhaps especially in, these challenging and dangerous moments. the time you have shared is unique and unrepeatable, and I hope it will continue to be a support to the both of you. it's that unique personal factor that is most important - better or worse pastures existing isn't really that important.

>>33404541 (OP)
I'm a guy but from a trauma childhood just like your wife. Tho thankfully my dad wasn't a cuck. But my parents were a fuckin mess, alcoholism, abuse, lots of fighting and shit getting smashed. Y'know the whole archetype by now. Family from hell.

I sympathize with your wife a lot. Caught between the old world of dysfunction, and the new world of function and peace (life with you).

You would think it's an easy choice to make, that she should always choose the new life and new family and stay away from chaos. That would be common fuckin sense, right?

Wrong. cuz despite everything, despite all the trauma, despite all the bad blood and wicked past pains and memories, despite all the dysfunction. She is their daughter. She still loves her mom and dad. She can't help it. They're her family, the most familiar figures in her entire life before you showed up.

She does not want to treat them like lepers or monsters, even when they act like that, she will still always see the glimmer of humanity in them because she knows it exists. She saw it up close in between the carnage. She loves the good in them. Even if they don't show it most of the time.

She is bonded to that. And she wants to have both worlds at the same time.

>>33404799
This is not normal, this is trauma bond, and if OP’s wife knows that and still refuses to make her new family a priority, then maybe they should divorce. Especially because there is a kid involved.

>>33404954
It is normal. It's the only normal thing about her connection to her family. It's so normal it's almost involuntary. Children will always love or try to love their parents, even when they feel they hate them, they will deeply desire a happy good ending where one day they can have something normal with their parents. The shit her parents do is what's abnormal.

>If OP wife knows that and still refuses to make her new family a priority
She probably does know. Though she isn't refusing, nor is she accepting. Somewhere in between, torn between one feeling and another. Not exactly her fault.

Anyway OP talks about drawing boundaries. That's what needs to be done. Problem is, OP is trying to draw her boundaries for her. She has to do that herself.

>Maybe they should divorce. Especially because there is a kid involved
No, divorce should be the last option precisely because there is a kid involved. If the name of the game is to avoid spreading the trauma bug to the kid, then divorce is the quickest way to fuck a kid's mind up.

>>33404971
But toxic and dysfunctional family of OP’s wife will not fuck the kid up? You say you had bad childhood with abusers. If you would have a kid, would you let them to be around your baby? If you are smart enough, I bet the answer is no.

>>33404995
The won't fuck the kid up with proper boundaries I do have a kid on the way with my wife. I would let them around my baby, it only in my home or on neutral ground. Never at their home. And never alone without either me or my wife around to supervise.

>>33405002
The kids see everything. If the people around them are acting differently than the parents then some kind of fear is going to happen to them. You can’t trust dysfunctional people to behave. They will fuck the kids up just by being themselves. I would think twice if I were you. And what does your wife think about it btw?

>>33404541 (OP)
From someone who had a similar situation. But from the child's pov. I will say try not to divorce, try to talk it out with your wife first. Therapy, whatnot, whatever it takes. Right now you can make sure your kid doesn't get too hurt or influenced by the situation. (assuming they are a minor) but through a divorce you could loose time or custody. Which means the child has time with that family without your oversight.

>>33405015
>The kids see everything. If the people around them are acting differently than the parents then some kind of fear is going to happen to them.

Yeah that's true. It's unavoidable though. Even if I keep my child away from my dad and brothers, the kid won't live a fear-free life. Unfortunately there's many dysfunctional people out there, in public spaces the occasion screaming hollering asshole or two. Other dysfunctional families in broad daylight causes scenes.

I get your point though. That's why boundaries are important. I've already made it clear to my family if they scream or shout or cause a riot near my kid, the they're no longer welcome near the kid as a group. I'll only see them 1 at a time (they only argue when together). And if 1 of them starts shit, they get kept from the kid. Only one of my family members is functional enough besides me, my eldest brother. My dad and middle bro not so much.

>What did your wife think about it btw?
She doesn't want it at all. She's exactly like OP. Wants me to completely disconnect from family and wants to 'rescue' me from their influence.

Which is sweet but is irritating as I already got myself out before meeting her. And also she, presumably like OP, forget one thing: the person you 'rescue' from dysfunctional homes aren't helpless victims. Chances are OP's wife got demons in her. She also was part of the dysfunction, same as I was. People from childhood trauma know what they are, and they know all about it. They know how it all works. Especially if they worked their life to slay their own inner demons over decades. I think OP calling it a rescue is a bit belittling.

Though maybe his wife is easily influenced more than others who knows.

>>33404541 (OP)
Stories like these make my blood fucking boil. It's clear what's happening here.

Your wife had a terrible childhood and subconsciously she's going to make your kid suffer the same shit she suffered through.

I'd honestly prepare for a divoce. She already knows you hate this situation and keeps stepping over the line... Take care of your kid, gather evidence she's mentally unwell and her family is trash and get a good lawyer, OP.

Don't lose custody or that little guy/girl's life is over.

>>33405507
>Your wife had a terrible childhood and subconsciously she's going to make your kid suffer the same shit she suffered through.

That's not how it works. Not all the time anyway. Here's the secret about people from traumatic childhoods: they do 1 of 3 things, only three:

>Repeat the trauma themselves when they get older
>Marry someone who repeats the trauma or resembles the old trauma dynamic in some way
>Neither, provided they cleaned up their act.

I'm going to guess his wife is the second one. The codependent people pleaser type. It's why her parents still have hooks attached to her. And it's also why OP happens to be pulling similar shit, like trying to isolate her from family and take control of her boundaries for her. That's a familiar dynamic she's used to so well, she married someone who does the same shit as her folks.

No doubt OP or yourself will strongly consider threatening divorce and taking away children as a means to control the situation. Kinda typical.

>>33405366
Alright. But did you truly get yourself out of the dysfunction? I presume your wife doesn’t pull that shit out of nothing. So what is the cause of her behavior towards your family?

>>33404541 (OP)
Your wife is disrespectful

>>33405815
Late response but if you’re still lurking later:

>Did you truly get yourself out of the dysfunction
No. You can take a person out dysfunction, but you cannot take dysfunction out of the person. I’m born out of it, raised in it, got dragged up through it. It’s a deep part of me that isn’t gonna wash off. But that’s absolutely fine because I am in control of myself, my impulses, and I am self-aware kf my own behaviour patterns to the point that I function as well as anyone else. No one can get rid of childhood trauma or dysfunction within themselves, you’d need amnesia to pull that off. But you can integrate it and accept it so as to gain control and self development, growing stronger than it, and you’re about as functioning as anyone after that.

>What is the cause of her behaviour towards your family?
She hates how they live, how they behave, how they act. She finds them to be loud, messy, disorganised, antisocial. She does not enjoy having to tolerate them. They live in filth, they argue among themselves aggressively, and its completely opposite to her upbringing. Her upbringing was quiet, silent, and she was forced to do chores and act adult as a kid. Not much love from parents, just herself all alone with her thoughts. Parents leaving her alone at home as a kid to go work their jobs. She had a freezing cold upbringing, mine was scorching burning upbringing. Opposites attract so we clicked. There is no cause for her behaviour, just a consequence. I am unsurprised she dislikes them.

>>33408314
Her childhood wasn’t dysfunctional. That’s pretty much how typical families live nowadays. I’m not surprised you are not aware of that, considering your upbringing. I also don’t blame your wife for barely tolerating your family. I’m surprised she’s tolerating them at all but who knows what’s gonna happen when the baby is born. And desu I wouldn’t let my kid nearby their dirty, chaotic life either. What’s more, if they are functioning alcoholics, don’t even let them hold a baby for at least a year. They are clumsy and weak and drop everything.

>>33408476
>Her childhood wasn’t dysfunctional. That’s pretty much how typical families live nowadays. I’m not surprised you are not aware of that, considering your upbringing.

It absolutely was. And it is not typical for families at all to leave their own children as young as 3 or 4 unsupervised, alone at home for several hours at a time. It’s called neglect. And it’s something you might wanna be careful admitting to in public, at least around social services. Truth is it’s damaging enough to have a kid removed from parents who do this. Neglect is a serious matter.

Look up what ‘latch-key’ children are. Notice all the sad stories of what happened to the little girls or boys who had to walk to and from school all alone with no adult to protect them. They typically ended up molested or raped or put into unnecessary danger because mommy and daddy were too busy.

I’m not surprised you aren’t aware of this either. You call it normal. Which is understandable because now you can understand me or others who grew up in the abusive upbringing Vs. neglectful one. We call it normal too. We think its ‘typical’. Because thats all we knew. Just how you think a neglectful upbringing is ‘typical’.

>>33404541 (OP)
I will assume your side family is fully functional and your wife and child have a good relationship with them.
That is the counter for your child against the fuckery of her family. You don't make your child decide but when she is an adult and you don't abandon them to your wifes family your child can see whats fucked and whats not.

But, unfortunately when you "saved" her you married her family too and she will always choose them over you. Stop fighting her to win. She's a adult and if she is ok with exposing your child to the shit show then she is not a good mother nor a good wife. Continue to limit exposure of your child to them unless you are around and if your family is sane spend more time with them when your wife is lying in shit.
With people such as your wife and her family. Stop trying to reel them in and give them all the rope they want and if they hang themselves its not your fault and let them go.