I don't really know what I'm doing here. I think it's a mix of wanting to be heard and wanting advice. Regardless, I've got one hell of a situation for anyone who cares to read it.
(All names henceforth are pseudonyms in order to maintain anonymity.)

I'm Danny. I am 25, I live in the USA, and I haven't had a close friend in around 3 years. My family has suffered an immense amount of tragedy as a result of my mother's mental collapse. She suffers from Bipolar II, OCD, and a slew of other mental problems. Her mental decline became apparent around 10 years ago. It became detrimental around 5 years ago. I left my home for university in late 2018. From 2019-2022 she had slipped into a deep depression unlike any other that my family had seen before. during these years, she became ostensibly catatonic. She lost most of her weight and even began fainting periodically. My father and my two brothers lived with her at the time, and they tried very hard to get her out of bed and doing things every day. But eventually, they all gave up and let her stay in bed all day for around a year and a half. I don't hold it against them, but their attitudes switched from attempting to support her to bitter resentment.

My mother's depression tore me up immensely. I would cry and vent about it to my roommate and close friends. She's had bipolar my entire life, but none of us had ever seen her sink this low into her depression. She had tried to take her life a few times during this depression, something that she has also done throughout my life.

>>33405682 (OP)
In mid 2022, I moved back in with my parents. It wasn't until then that I realized just how resentful my brothers and father had grown towards her. My two brothers grew up being a lot closer to my father, whereas I grew up being a lot closer to my mother. I was the only one trying to help her at this stage of her depression. It was utterly futile, but I tried almost every day to get her outside or to do an activity. Seeing the state she was in at this time tore me up greatly. My mother barely spoke and had a permanent essence of fear and hopelessness in her eyes. When living there, I cried about it almost every day. However, as winter approached, she started displaying signs of mania.

One day in early December of 2022, I had gotten home from work at around 8:30 P.M. My dad, oldest brother, and mother were sat in the living room watching TV. I could tell right away that everyone was upset. Though none of them were speaking to one another when I walked in, I could feel the tension between the 3 of them. Not wanting to stick around, I retreated into my bedroom. I took a few THC edibles (this became a very big coping mechanism and remains one to this day,) though I couldn't shake the feeling that something was incredibly wrong. About an hour later, I heard intense shouting coming from the living room. It was my brother. It was as though I already knew what was coming... I ran downstairs, where I saw my brother in my mother's face, screaming at her to stop and shut up, over and over. My dad was sat in his chair, stone-faced and watching the TV as though nothing was happening. I got between my brother and mother to physically separate them. I should note that my eldest brother is both physically and mentally disabled. He is high functioning, but his intelligence is comparable to someone around the ages of 10-13. He's a big guy and when he gets angry (which isn't often,) it can be pretty terrifying.

>>33405697
I asked my brother why he was screaming at our mother and he just said he was sick and tired of it all. My dad then chimed in, backing up my brother saying how miserable he was. This was very uncharacteristic of my father, as he is usually stoic and very in control of his emotions. Knowing that this moment had been building up for years, I stated I would not be picking sides and that I would do my best to help both of my parents.

After that night, my mother's depression had blossomed into mania, as it had done so many times before. Her states of mania usually lasted no more than 2 weeks. But things would be very different this time around...

For 5 straight months, my mother was consumed by mania...

Every day was a day in hell. I woke up almost every day to her screaming at my father or brothers. I had to tackle her to prevent her from running into a busy freeway, I walked in on her overdosing on prescription medicine that was intended for me... We hospitalized her more times than I can remember. Most of the hospitalizations were a result of her manic behavior, others were to prevent her from getting herself killed. There are countless stories from this 5 month period, most of which my memory has blocked out.

My mother's mania was far from my only problem, though...

>>33405701
In 2020, I had rekindled friendships with 2 of my childhood friends, Christian and Otto. Christian was a friend I had met in the 7th grade, but had drifted apart when I moved schools in the 9th grade. I met Otto in the 8th grade and have had a complex semi-romantic relationship with him. When the world went into lock down, I got back into contact with both of them. Otto and I had some issues that we were working out, whereas Christian and I had picked up our friendship as though no time had passed at all.

In January of 2023, I asked Otto if we could hang out. At this point, we had been getting intimate with each other again, something that Otto was the primary driving force behind. When I reached out, I specifically asked that he not try any funny business. I informed him that my mom was putting myself and my family through hell, and that I just wanted a place to be away from it all. No sex, just support. He assured me that he wouldn't try anything. He convinced me to stay the night, so I slept in his bed. The following morning, I woke up to him having sex with me.

Needless to say, I felt like shit after that. I confronted him saying that what happened didn't feel consensual. Otto immediately defended himself by saying that he didn't rape me. I never accused him of that, and reminded him that I didn't accuse him of that, but rather I felt greatly taken advantage of. We haven't spoken since.

>>33405705
In February of 2023, I asked Christian if he would be interested in moving in together. He knew every detail of the horrors I was facing, and he said he was open to the idea. This was an opportunity I was not going to pass up. I needed to escape the unrelenting chaos brought on by my mother and I was exhilarated by the thought of living with a close friend who has been very supportive of me. He was attending university out of state and he said that when he graduated we could move in together. In the months leading up to his graduation, I spoke about the move frequently and sent him apartment listings. As graduation approached, Christian asked me to get a job with proof of employment. So, I asked my father if I could work for him at his company. My dad eagerly hired me and started training me. At this point, I was working both at my retail job and for my father.

Not once did Christian rebuff any of my advances.

In April or May of 2023, I got a phone call during my lunch break at my retail job. It was Christian, he was at his graduation ceremony. He was calling to tell me that he had found a place and would be living alone. He had signed the lease 10 days prior. Oh, and if I wanted to, I could watch a live stream of his graduation.

My initial reaction was tepid. "Oh, that's fine... I hope you have a good time..." I'm pretty sure I was in shock...

But when I hung up, I felt a knot growing in my stomach. When my lunch break ended, I told my manager I needed to go home, as something terrible had just happened...

I don't really remember the weeks that followed. I was left in a complete fugue state. I quit the job my dad gave me, and I rotted away in my room.

I called Christian at some point, letting him know how pissed I was. When I asked why he did this, he said he had nothing. No explanation to speak of.

>>33405712
I had spent that last three years rebuilding a friendship that was sacred to me. By all accounts, there were zero red flags. There was no indication whatsoever that this was even a possibility. And yet, there I was.

At some point in my fugue state, I visited my old roommate. It was foolish to do this. I was very hostile to everyone around me at the time. I was certain that she would leave me too. At some point she stormed out of the room, so I stepped out on her porch and called Christian.

I screamed at him when he picked up. I demanded to know why he abandoned me. He was taken aback by my tone and message. I told him just how fucking important this was to me and I reiterated. "Why did you abandon me???"

He still had nothing. I waited through tears and heavy breathing for what felt like an eternity for an answer, but he said he had nothing. I hung up and began violently self harming. My old roommate rushed to open her patio door, where I brushed past her. She then told me to leave. My relationship with her has not and very likely will not recover.

>>33405717
It's been years but these problems haunt me every day. Sometimes I'll read or hear something totally innocuous, but my brain will make connections and resurrect repressed memories of Otto, Christian, or my mother. I suffered from depression BEFORE all of this. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 13 (I doubt I'll ever fully come to terms with it.)

I don't know what to do. I don't even know IF I want to do anything. Part of me wants to have close friends in my life again, but a very loud voice in my head is screaming at me to never try again; that all humans WILL betray you, as its only a matter of time. I don't trust anyone and I don't WANT to trust anyone anymore...

My mom is dead to me at this point. It sucks to lose a parent like that, but I think I've come to terms with her...

For just once in my life I'd like for someone to give a shit about me the way I've given a shit about others. But it just never happens...