Thread 937993224

>be fat
>go to /fit/ and find a solution
>main problem is i eat like a dumpster
>apparently things with loads of fiber is going to save my filthy soul
>"Fiber is digested slowly, leaving you feeling full longer, and helps with digestion"
>go out and buy two boxes of fiber-heavy breakfast bars
>the first day i have fiber bars for breakfast, lunch and a lot of snack
>i dont shit that day
>next day i fiber myself up even more
>i dont shit that day either
>fiber jesus is surely working his magic in my colon
>can feel the pounds dropping off because im not very hungry anymore
>i dont shit the third day
>i dont shit the fourth day
>thefinaldaydawns.mp3
>i have my morning coffee and feel my insides rumble in that familiar way
>the second i hit the toilet the weirdest fart in the world exits me
>it's whistling
>just a thin, continuous airstream of fart that smells like grandpapas coffin
>no sound other than the whistling hiss
>suddenly stops >the hole is plugged
>SOS
>this shit is so solid it feels like i'm giving anal birth to Dwayne "The rock" Johnson
>hang on to the shower curtain and pray
>the rock is shot out of my asshole at mach speed
>my entire ass is covered in toilet water
>now the fun begins
>a fart that could do more damage to the ozone layer than aerosol ever did is shooting shit bullets out of me
>solid and prefectly round nuggets
>the smell is killing me
>blacking out
>the thuds of nuggets shooting around the bowl propelled by my insane fiber flatulence is giving me war flashbacks
>iwasntevenin'nam.jpeg
>my guts are yelling in german
>sounds like a moose in heat lives in my belly
>most of the shit isn't even digested at this point
>just forced out by all the gas that had been building up to my throat
>after an hour it finally seems to be over
>im shivering and crying
>both legs collapse as i try to stand up
>my stomach hitting the bathroom tiles forces one last trumpet
>gondorcallsforaid.rar
>shakily wipe my ass
>completely clean

>>937993224 (OP)
dumpsters don't eat, they're just pieces of metal
fake and gay

Probably really old copypasta, but I like it.
/b needs more stuff like this

>denied raise this week
>big conference call powwow today
>drink a huge glass of orange juice for breakfast
>slip part of a soft, porous bath sponge between my ass cheeks while dressing (aka a "silencer")
>eat half a party size bag of Cape Cod salt & vinegar potato chips right before leaving
>get into office, already feeling the rumble
>conference call circlejerk beg8nning right away
>quickly chug a Pepsi from the vending machine as the ignition, go into conference room
>five minutes in, silently let out a long, smooth, continuous gas discharge
>entire room suddenly fills with the smell of acidic broccoli
>dude from shipping logistics slams his pen down in disgust
>the fat bitch from development about gags, gets up and rushes out of the room
>everyone in general is disgusted & upset
>head office people on other end of the vidcall keep having to pause in dispensing their bullshit
>one of the bigwigs asks if we're all on board here
>our manager apologizing as I dispense another discharge
>"Sieg Zeon you motherfuckers" I think to myself as I act as disgusted as everyone else and fire some hard glances at the bitch who denied my raise a few seats away from me
Call went on like this for over a fucking hour. I "ran out of ammo" toward the end. Boss was upset after the call was over but couldn't direct it toward anyone in particular, though he and a few others did give the bitch some accusatory looks after I began. Now, the weekend, and then back to the cage on Monday, but holy shit I enjoyed this.

bump

>Tolestoy
Go to /justar/.
> Oh, my main problem is the food in the movie
> The high levels of natural iron in this powder can ruin movies
> "Movies go by slowly, which makes you feel full and good. It helps you feel good."

I went out and bought two boxes of high-yield cereal bars
> The first day I ate all my travel food, my lunch, and my snacks.
> That day I finally pooped
> No, I'm really hungry.
> That day I pooped.
> The nature movies did wonders for my gut.
> I can feel my stomach, but I'm really hungry.
> On the third day I finally pooped.
> On the first day I finally pooped.
> I pooped. Download mp3
> After breakfast I heard the familiar voice of the company.
> When I got the exchanger, I started downloading the stool.
> He's calling my name.

> Clint D. Tall One
> Nobody's there.
> Stop getting up.
> The hole is blocked.
> Emergencies
> Shinto escape is not for me.
> I'd rather be locked behind the shower curtain, fighting for supplies.
> Inside
> We flush everything down the toilet.
> Time to start.
> My dog's fear on camera, a drop of stinky Oxy, and a second of the last spray.
> Hard, round lumps.
> This week is killing me.
> You've banned me
> Leerbock
> Your Estava, that's what it's called.jpeg.
> My insides are screaming in German.
> There's a horrible deer in my stomach.
>I'm so tired I can't even see the dirt.
>Regular trips
>After a while I watch movies every day.
>I'm shaking and crying. >My legs are weak when I stand.
>Lyrback
>Gondorklesforid.rar
>I'm shaking and struggling.
>Completely clean.

>>937998392
kys

>>937998104
i take a lot of meds that leave you wanting to eat, what helps me is to make sure i have healthy snacks around at all times.

>>937993224 (OP)
Fiber?

>>937993224 (OP)
Fuckin' classic, thanks for the laughs, OP.