Thread 149214146

No one wants to answer their door anymore, even if it's someone you called specifically for a purpose. I'm ashamed to say that I have a mild panic any time I get groceries delivered. What if they want to know where to put the bags? What if they want to know if the place they put the bags is okay? That's just too much pressure.

>>149214146 (OP)
There was no return address, but I just assumed it was a surprise. Like, ''Surprise! Someone thought about you, and their first thought wasn't the vague discomfort that by some sequence of circumstances, they could have led a very similar, disconcerting life.''

>>149214146 (OP)
But don't feel bad for little me! I got to go to Disney World a few times! There was the time my mom bought me an awesome rubber snake and I lost it on the Haunted Mansion ride. Or the time I got a bad rash and could barely walk the entire trip. Or the time Chip and Dale shunned me. Though to be fair, that time I was 19 and quite frumpy-looking from the snake thing and the rash thing.

>>149214146 (OP)
It's okay, I figured it all out. I made a handy flowchart that I occasionally reference when I need to be reminded. Unfortunately, the recursive nature of the information created a distortion on the quantum level that alters the information after it has been observed. Current theory infers that Ronnie is all people, real and fictional, traveling back and forth through time for all eternity.

>>149214146 (OP)
I'm glad she saw my beard and assumed I like beard shows instead of seeing I was fat and assumed I liked food shows.

>>149214146 (OP)
You could make the argument that the espionage mother doesn't have much room to criticize, considering she, too, is up at 3AM. However, once humans reach a certain age, they develop this new super power that forces them to awaken before dawn every morning. They're like reverse vampires who can't eat especially crunchy ice cream and call you every day to tell you about the weather.

>>149214146 (OP)
"Alright Doc, be frank with me. Give me the straight dope on my health. I want the God's honest truth. Hold nothing back. Don't tip-toe around the issue. Tell me-" "I'm not sure if you're alive."

>>149214146 (OP)
In case I die, my anime figurines are designed to melt into ornate thimbles if I don't spray them with a special chemical every two hours. I'd rather the news article read ''Avid Thimble Collector Defeated By M&M Binge'' than ''Dead Man Had A Lot Of Cute Toys And It Was Weird''

>>149214146 (OP)
"The joints are showing signs of rigor mortis, the eyes are faded and cloudy, the extremities are clearly deprived of oxygen and have begun to discolor, and the pulse is so faint and irregular, it's most likely just bacterial exhaust creating gas bubbles." "But what about my-" "OH, GOD. YOU'RE ALIVE."

>>149214146 (OP)
Whenever I look at the rent money in my hand, I have to close my eyes real tight and drift into a reality where I earned the money by the sweat of my brow, hitting things with hammers and cutting wood in half until a mighty, useful structure is built. Then I awaken and remember I draw my weird naked body for people's amusement.

>>149214146 (OP)
I have devised a plan to counteract the likely skin decoration discrimination. Explain calmly and clearly that the tattoo is not gang-related, and in fact, it is from the Japanese-made video game, Resident Evil 4. When you realize they don't speak English, simply point at your already-naked body and yell the Japanese title for the game, ''BIOHAZARD! BIOHAZARD!!!''

>>149214146 (OP)
Agrias, Agrias, Agrias, Agrias, Agrias, Agrias, please go home and bring me my Dragon Ball Z Chao Tzu figurine so I can have something to hold onto. It's the only one small enough to hide in my butt so they won't take it from me.

>>149214146 (OP)
Joke's on you, Dad. M Dude gets me that every year and I don't even have to ask.

>>149214146 (OP)
Oh, good. It's me. Is this like that episode of Twilight Zone where William Shatner saw the gremlin on the wing? No, because his pants were clearly not full of doody.

>>149214146 (OP)
It wasn't long before Agrias attempted to grab and pull out a stray hair on her tongue, realizing it was still attached to her scalp, threaded through her new face portal. Ronnie explained that he envied her new exciting food consumption avenues. This lie quickly evaporated when she attempted to create a new morsel input on Ronnie's face with the unsharpened, spoon-shaped carving tool.

>>149214146 (OP)
The scar will be so insignificant that even she won't be quite sure if she can see it. But you, Ronnie - you will see it every time you look at her face. It will seem to stretch across her entire visage, obscuring all other features until you forget what she ever looked like. Did she even have a distinct appearance before your haphazard hands irrevocably blemished her skin? Your guilt will say, ''No.''

>>149214146 (OP)
Millions of pedants suffer from audible apostrophe syndrome. A Tulsa man died recently when his wife of 37 years put a verbal apostrophe between the 'e' and the 's' of 'James' when trying to use the name in its possessive form.

>>149214146 (OP)
Once Ronnie realized that an onlooker sat opposite the pane, he attempted to diffuse the situation with a smile. With his face already in a smile-adjacent position, it grew more strained, stressed, distorted. We don't know whose screams were louder, his or hers, but we know that it was Ronnie's that broke the window.

>>149214146 (OP)
The New Me Rejuvenation Center doesn't encourage Margaret to scream louder for more money. Oh, no. She wishes more than anything to avoid the life-trodden faces of the poor souls who wander into her reception. Her nightmares are dominated by a constant stream of dour faces - those faces usually belonging to Ronnie, hoping she'll get accustomed to his face so that he can get a discount.

>>149214146 (OP)
All joking aside, my bathroom scale just says 'Error'. Just... just says error.