>>11360760
I just read through that text and for someone who's daring enough to install a literature club president as a main character, the writing is absolutely dismal. It reads like it was written by a German teenie who watched one anime too many.
Not only is it a never ending fountain of odd grammar, weird language ("Is something?"), and odd editing errors, but pacing, characters, and consistency are a mess too.
You constantly torture the reader with philosophical discussions brought about by your nerdy MC, but the reader is neither invested enough to care that much about him, nor do these discussions serve as exhibition or introduction to him. Then when you do reward the reader with a juicy scene you cut them short and skip over half of it. You really seem to like skipping stuff, as pace of your story also keeps accelerating, too, culminating in several years skipped in the last chapters. That's lazy and shows a lack of planning and dedication to your own creation.
After all, people read erotic fiction to have their horizons broadened with fresh ideas, not to get some arbitrary foundation to project their own fantasies into. If I want to do the latter I can install Ollama and ask the next best LLM to write a story to my specifications...
There are also some really jarring choices in your story, most disturbing of all was one of your main characters just having a casual near-death experience during play that nobody questions or discusses ever again. On the contrary it leads to confessions and positive plot development. It's extremely out of touch, not only with reality, but with the rest of the story that regularly and quite neatly interweaves topics of SSC.
After all, though, the premise of two more or less inexperienced teenagers exploring this fetish together is interesting, and the juicy scenes you wrote had a lot going for them. I feel like this story wanted to be a more focused comic from the start.
