>>76377127 (OP)Purpose.
If I know where I am now, what I want and how to obtain it, then the grind is easy. Having a detailed solid plan always motivates me.
Or when things are very very grim, a vague schizo fantasy to the point of light tulpamancy. The idea of a young endlessly jealous pure hearted girl that I love and she loves me back.
Its someone I could marry, love, take care of and make happy.
Its not a real person though. If it was, it would just be a fantasy I could get lost in with nothing to gain.
Its more like a voice beckoning from the void. A glimpse of a world that was meant to be, but never was.
I do not picture a woman although she has a shape, hair limbs everything. Its a presence, an evidence of a person, a phone call from a rift between realities.
She is not hurting right now, because she doesn't exist here. But we both know that the current state of things is wrong. And its my fault that it happened like this. After all, I am responsible for her happiness and my own. However she herself does not blame me, as she is very compassionate.
The brilliance of this approach is that even if I deserve to suffer, she does not. So I have no choice but to work hard to fix this. All sacrifices come easy then, as I am not doing this for myself only.
Though the more hours I spend with her, the more insane I become.
Clear goals usually motivate me. But this is not an achievable desire. There is no endgame here. Its an improbably potent stimulus, nothing ever worked so well and it makes me feel like I finally have emotions now.
But I am aware that this cannot be healthy for me. Things are progressing on the schizo scale and I am not sure towards what.
What comes next after this?
Hopefully not asylum.