Thread 216501161

Golden lineage edish

POO

>>216501074
I tell people about my ex, the relationship we had, how long it went on for, what it was like living with her, why it ended, how long ago it was and all that but she doesn't exist I just made the whole thing up to seem normal.

When I have a spare moment alone I'll add little details to the story to anticipate future questions that might crop up about her and our time together. Usually this involves incorporating things I have heard other people say about their presumably-real relationships with women.

genitalwartberg doing my NUT in

Never finished from sex me, shagging with a condom is worse than wanking.

sodomei defenda

job applications going nowhere
ive been done

trying to improve my wank-life balance

Was having so much fun I didn't even notice the 'ost 'ount

Anyone seen the new John Lewis Christmas advert? No wokery no DEI It made me cry a little bit but I think that’s just because I never had a dad

nth for the baddiedem

>>216501186
had an interview last week and haven't heard back

>>216501194
keep hearing about it and refuse to watch it on principle
i will not be advertised to

>>216501163
He's fucking relentless

They are setting off fireworks NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am going to fucking crash out bruv

>>216501202
consensual sex with dark haired white women with no tattoos

need runts disposed of in a quick and messy fashion

Some questions for the man in here:
Does anybody work in a Dairylea Dunkers factory that does the hollow tube things? If so can you get me a massive bag?

>>216501174
I have a fully realised anecdote about losing my V card in the chamber ready in case it ever comes up in conversation
it's even somewhat based on real experiences for extra credibility

>>216501214
oh no no no

>>216501194
>not a non-white in sight
Is this it, will things finally change?

>>216501222
What's the point of this then? That's a waste of chickens

haven't watched an ad in years

apparently my vodka legacy was 2* speed this whole time. also I figure yesterday I just need to keep rolling for 3* stam literally me horse to get on on legacy for ori cap with guest and then hae 2x 3* horses for my scarlet runs

>>216501222
need this doing to me bollocks

>>216501194
reminded me of aftersun the movie

>>216501234
I thought it went well too, from my experience if you come out of an interview thinking it went well you'll never hear back.

>>216501247
I'm gonna guess and say they're all male and therefore worthless to the industry

>>216501247
They're cocks and will try to kill each other if allowed to grow up

>>216501222
Were they okay?

>Heartbreak as Worcester cathedral's ultra rare peregrine falcon chicks 'poisoned to death'
oops

>>216501260
apparently not getting 1st place every race isnt important? um

also I will use kitsune black again even though the legacy A tier doesnt have maelstrom because I can get prof of curvature from another support card that I have :)

need all males mulched

>>216501295
Biomass onamadone

>>216501270
>>216501290
:(
Didn't know they did this, that's very sad

>>216501295
how did this happen then

>>216501231
It needs to be done lad. End of the day people will treat a sex-haver differently than they will an adult male virgin. People NEED to believe you're capable of having sex otherwise they will never respect you. Ever.

>>216501322
They kill the females ones too just later

>>216501329
It got caught being racist

>>216501322
I learned about it from watching Baraka (1992) x

>>216501333
I've had this exact interaction with so many women

>>216501329
Mummy fed the chicks spicy rodents that died of poison.

>>216501333
They already assume I have sex lad, I'm not worried about that

actually prof of curvature is kitsune black
so she is a support card which prepares legacies?

>>216501222
this should happen to incels

>>216501298
every race should get 1st place else it's racism
equity innit

>>216501334
Yeah but they're delicious
Useless males destined for the mulcher hits close to home (as I am a useless male destined for the mulcher also)

>>216501222
they're doing this to me at toil this afternoon

>>216501362
Happens to me every single time a new zoomer girl joins toil. Have to consciously remind myself I'm a 32 year old unc.

>>216501322
thats why vegetarians are full of shit.
the only options really are meat eater or vegan

have you ever
ever felt like this
when strange things happen
and you're going round the twist

the solution to the incel problem is easy
just castrate them
no need to kill a bunch of people

>>216501375
Do you have to post every inane thought that passes through your empty head? Keep it to yourself mongo

>>216501222
>>216501291
all reincarnated as Indians

>>216501419
big moves in the horse legacies

i always chew wrigley's extra spearmint gum two pieces at a time.

beginners do 1 at a time.

>>216501433
Silence

>29
>tried losing virginity to an escort
>phimosis which I think I've nearly cured
>never had a gf
>never been overweight
>crippled by my own insecurities
>doing NoFap and NoPorn, libido totally gone
Things are grim atm lads

>>216501222
this is what feminists want to do to all men

>>216501443
sazuka

>>216501439
i start with 2 but add more as the flavour diminishes

>>216501402
I am currently going though this exact situation at toil after a very cute twenty-something joined, it's both great and hellish at the same time

Rorke hitting Leftypol with a shoot Stone Cold Stunner

was gonna go on an outing today but it's too late now

>>216501453
What do you do for fun when you're not posting on 4chan?

rorke going bouldering in jeans

>>216501270
they should sell them as mini snacks

a lot of times, I get the "watching these two clumsily build up their bond" but this time I got the rarer (for me) "they go back to their dorms talking about horse theory"

>>216501439
mint makes me sneeze
can sneeze on command just by taking in a deep breath while chewing some gum

>>216501465
alright i've been defeated. more than 2 is pro.

I play Blue Archive because I like the gameplay
I looked at umamusume but I didn't really see the appeal aside from the cute horse girls, but I don't really find horse girls to be that attractive when compared to cat or dog girls, or even pseudo-rabbit girls like what Blue Archive has
My favourite type of girl is a slime girl, though. There should be more slime girl games.

You can go out with younger women it's not illegal

>>216501402
>>216501476
Oh I thought the guy was gay from his expression in the first webm

war, childreeeeeeeeeeen, it's just a shot away

>>216501391
ktim

what's with this boyfriends being embarrassing narrative being pushed by the media in the past few days?

>>216501476
Hope it pans out for you lad, sincerely.

For me it fizzles out after a week or so when they get talking to the other people at toil and learn that I'm a bizarre autistic freak. Still I enjoy that first week when there's a bit of tension and they think I'm just a tall, in shape lad who might ask them out instead of a mental case who can't string two words together.

>>216501520
mad how the black woman singing in this did such a powerful performance it caused a miscarriage

>>216501391
That webm will be playing in your head when you're eating an MRE in the trenches fighting WW3

>>216501403
or you could just buy free range eggs dummy

>>216501527
idk it drives engagement

What is a 'real woman'

>>216501406
yeah just castrate the people who aren't shagging in the first place

posting from inside of a hollow tree

>>216501561
how does roaming space for chickens stop the males being mulched?

>>216501527
Nobody has any idea what you're blathering about you incel dolt

thats the way the carrot crunches

sex willies with bums up a poo

wheres that fella Poleaboo

right im going to have some poached eggs for lunch

incels should be banned from watching porn (even with ID verficiation). just turns them into perverted unhinged freaks. porn should be limited to people with at least 4 recorded shags

incels should also be banned from voting, owning property, and international travel until they have sex

>>216501528
she has a partner she lives with so it was never going to happen, however she is clearly very fond of me and enjoys my company so that's good enough for me. Maybe one day she might break up with the cunt and I might have a shot but I'm not going to count on it

>>216501599
Pooing on children in Dubai

just booked the surgeon, going to get another willy bolted on

Canada does the requirement for potential level increase go down if you level up to a tier below the max one

I don't watch porn I just wank to gravure books because I find them sexier than sex in the minge videos

I've had phimosis all my life but I've nearly cured it i think. At least flaccid.

How do I know for sure? I can get it back to see the glans. It feels like it won't go back any more. Is that right or should it go back more?

eating riced crispies even though im twenty 7

>>216501605
on toast?

>>216501634
I'm not the horse poster can you please shut up about your stupid gacha shit

>>216501612
cheeky fumble after a few drinks at the works' christmas do

worst case you get sacked on Monday, best case you destroy a family but get what you want

horse

>>216501648
yeah

>A Kurdish crime network is enabling migrants to work illegally in mini-marts on High Streets the length of Britain, a BBC investigation can reveal.

>The fake company directors are paid to put their names to official paperwork, and have dozens of businesses listed on Companies House, but are not involved in running them.

>Two undercover reporters, themselves Kurdish, posed as asylum seekers and were told how easy it would be for them to take over and run a shop and make big profits selling illegal vapes and cigarettes.

>We have linked more than 100 mini-marts, barbershops and car washes, operating from Dundee to south Devon, to the crime network. But a financial crime investigator told the BBC he believes it goes much wider.

What?! Who could have predicted this

>>216501655
Terrible advice

bird flu about, get the eggs stocked up lads

might

>>216501670
posted it again award

>>216501677
high-inhib and cowardpilled

you need to start dark triadmaxxing

>>216501655
she's not married with kids or anything, just living with a bf
I've managed to get a couple hugs off her so far, maybe after a few drinks at the work christmas outing something might happen ;)

Just found out about these little guys - cute!

got a hug. she wants to FUCKKKK!

>finally stay up til 9pm, fixing my fucked up sleep schedule
>sleep for 15 hours straight and wake up at 12pm
it's fucking over

>>216501670
must be the umpteenth time someones poster about this today

rorke: "um where's my hug?"

>>216501640
Cor imagine the smegma on this bloke - fuckin ell. You're meant to be able to pull the foreskin back far enough that the entire glans is exposed, rim and all

>>216501543
fake news

>>216501670
you're telling me those hundreds of vape/phone/American candy shops that seem to be on every street corner yet never have any customers are actually fronts to organised crime? Well blow me down, what a shock

where my hug at

>>216501708
You are devious

>>216501640
keep stretching mate you're nowhere near

>>216501697
he's a different poster

you'll recall that I went through the effort of downloading the funny video that showed the custom machine to dispense illegal cigs

I thought it was going to smell like pakis but actually it was very nice
they even had a sky box and a playstation

>>216501697
>>216501721
Sorry lads i was busy till lunchtime. Shall do better

don't have to worry about phimosis, you see

question for the shaggers: in a sex situation are you supposed to ask before you put your willy in or do you just go for it?

>>216501720
kek

whenever I've tried that my body interprets it like a nap for some reason so I wake up at like 1 or 2am, it's awful

just go to sleep at like 12 or 1, then slowly work back to 10 or whatever without napping too late

wish i was disabled or retarded so i had an excuse to be neet and not feel guilty

>>216501776
coz you've not got a willy?

>>216501786
usually you'll ask for consent before each thrust yeah

where youre vagina at

>>216501786
willy is assumed but you should ask if they want you to put the balls in

>>216501795
wrong, you have to ask every 0.5 seconds

>>216501714
capybara but evil

time for the post-lunch intra-toil walk

>>216501719
I've already said I'm a virge, getting hugs from attractive women is big news for me

girls be like:
I've not had sex yet, I've got a virgina

no-one over the mental age of 15 has ever typed nor uttered the words "fix my sleep schedule"
it's never happened
literally just teenagers finding something banal in their lives to brag to internet strangers about

Remember when I was a smelly unwashed teenager and I'd walk home with this cute girl in my year and she'd hug me goodbye every time we parted ways. Definitely out of pity

>>216501720
whats the point in fixing it when you're a worthless neet loser?

>>216501786
>put your willy in
should we tell him lads?

>>216501837
shouldve just said "no"

>>216501815
They're Bush Dogs and they are CUTE

don't want to go on the dole again but i don't have much choice

https://youtu.be/5gTopJDFYu4
It was a different time you see

>>216501833
most neets and incels have not mentally developed beyond 15 years old

>>216501833
genuinely bizarre you interpreted that as a brag
>>216501838
dont have to be forever do it

omds lammy is standing in on pmqs

>>216501786
You don't awkwardly ask for consent, it should be perceptible that she wants it. Escalate slowly with confidence

obama's presidential library should be a in the shape of a imposing black tower with 2 round atriums at the base and trumps should be a tiny little marble podium right next to it

Need to adjust my circadian rhythm

>BREAKING: Manhunt for foreign prisoner after mistaken release from HMP Wandsworth
screaming
it’s happened again

Obama

Screaming

>>216501881
you're the one bringing it up unsolicited as if it makes you interesting
"ugh my sleep schedule is soo fucked, I only got like 2 hours, haha how am I even functioning???"
you're a boring child

never had a gf yet but mummy showed me how sex works so I'll be ready

yes im naked in bed with a girl who wants my cock inside her - i best ask for her consent to slide it in even though it could not be more obvious and implicit

LOL thats why you fucking gimps will be sexless forever

>>216501729
From what I've seen so far, the smegma isn't too bad.
>>216501746
Sorry, do you have a particular diagram for reference so I know what I should be aiming for?

I'm following the guide here https://www.wikihow.com/Do-Phimosis-Stretching

I do sometimes panic it'll get stuck

>>216501918
OK buddy whatever that means

>>216501905
So it happened AGAIN

>>216501887
Kano's Ps & Qs plays as his walk on music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mznv4ACjkzc

>>216501918
you reckon she could show me too?
i got family issues so i cant ask mine

>>216501905
FUCK sake

>>216501926
could just ask if she's ready just before plunging it in

BREAKING: Thing that "never happens" has happened again

>>216501905
The one thing that couldn't be allowed to happen!

>>216501912
again genuinely bizarre that you think that i think it makes me interesting. do you like having autism?

>>216501905
Labour speed running their demise lol

ANOTHER IMMIGRANT "MISTAKENLY RELEASED"

HOWLING HOWLING HOWLING HOWLING

>>216501942
sorry not my problem if your mummy doesn't love you (sexually)

>>216501905
lmao
I'm loving this monty python shit

what a joke this country is

you can only get mending from a swamp villager trade now btw

the prisons are full! UwU

>>216501926
right sir kier starmer lock this man up pronto

>>216501926
i just mean like "are you ready for me to put it in?"

>>216501927
When I pulled mine back for the first time at 11 the base was packed full of thick creamy smegma, just a huge amount - if youve never successfully pulled it all the way back the base might be attached to the foreskin by a small membrane too. I peeled mine off forcefully over a few days, made me bleed - was agonising. But now my penis is very healthy!

>>216501994
is that finally implemented?
I spent yonks trying to find a swamp village before I found out it was currently a beta opt-in setting (about 8 months ago)

>>216501994
honestly idiotic and lazy choice to make it such a hassle, they should just remove it from the game because it breaks everything

If they're mistakenly releasing prisoners does that mean they're mistakenly admitting them, too?

>>216501905
so is it a weird coincidence or does this happen all the time but it's only recently being reported on

why do we call the general dedicated to whatever virginity simulator bollocks those two spastics are banging on about "/brit/", anyway?

>>216501905
what the actual fuck are they doing

>>216502015
>the way back the base might be attached to the foreskin by a small membrane too.
Yeah that sounds right. It's like I can't peel it away from the head when I retract it towards the shaft.

Any tips?

>>216502057
Yes. It's the reason blacks and browns are over-represented in prison population statistics

>>216502015
Had to do the same
Still have nightmares about it

pondering whether I should try downloading reach or 3 now that the second one keeps crashing but I really only wanted to play 2 and kinda don't care for the other ones

LA
BU
BU

>>216501927
>Sorry, do you have a particular diagram for reference so I know what I should be aiming for?
no

Rorke cartoonishly spluttering and chortling over the news of the released migrant and saying out loud to no one "THIS COUNTRY IS A JOKE"

>>216502067
this is british culture m8

>>216502067
It's tradition

>>216502093
my flight ticket when I go from Los Angeles to Budapest then onto Bulgaria

popping down the astral clock tower, you want anything?

>>216502070
>Any tips?
Start at the edge of the membrane and pull the skin down and the glans up, and slowly tear it until it's all separated. If it is thick untearable skin you need surgery.
>>216502083
Never known anyone else who had to do it. Did you find there was loads of smeg inside the gap under membrane? Used to piss with my foreskin down almost exclusively wonder if that made it worse

limited edition sir keir starmer sex arse has fallen apart

>>216502144
very realistic then

>>216502144
Broken Britain

any sleepy and cold man in?

Ive just got the script and England will win the 2026 world cup and starmer will immediately call a general election. Theyll win because of the massive national high and be in until 2030+

>>216502155
Dog just want love from human. I love dog

>>216502141
It was everywhere and it was like an old plastic shrink wrap coating from the 50s had dried up and almost permanently fused to my dickhead
Think my brain repressed most of it but let's enough of the memory remain for me to remember that deep down I'm a disgusting incel freakazoid for the rest of my days

they've offered me the nigel farage sex arse as a replacement

>A manhunt has been launched for an Algerian prisoner who was released by mistake from Wandsworth prison
It's happened again!

this week's sleep stats for your perusal

>>216502181
gay

>It was everywhere and it was like an old plastic shrink wrap coating
phoar cor

JEWBUBU

>>216502178
>world cup win stokes masculine energy causing mass civil unrest, street celebrations, fireworks and burning cars
>white middle class Brits witness this and panickedly vote for reform

I want to eat Emma Watson’s shit.

>>216502204
bloody hell

>>216502214
Muslim

now the elite trainer wants to kiss me idk I skipped the cutscene

really not a good idea to be eating yogourt while reading brit

not a good idea at all

>>216502204
get him £500 NOW!!

>>216502204
must happen all the time, don't worry about it rorke

>>216502249
love dogs
love calling people gay even more

>The Metropolitan Police says they were told by Wandsworth prison at 13:00 GMT on Tuesday that the prisoner had been "released in error" six days earlier, on Wednesday 29 October
how many rapes can you do in that time?

>>216502211
no idea how to set this up

went to bed with my apple watch on and my phone charged then woke up to find zero fucking data on the sleep screen under the Health app

>>216502252
Can’t handle a bit of poo talk?

sir smelly jumper

>>216502177
just cold and lonely me

>>216502268
reckon I could do 5 a day

>>216502268
*john Travolta looking around .gif*
rapes can I do?

what's going on in this shambles shithole country

I'm 36 years old but genuinely feel half that age.
I don't know where the last 18 years went.

Might get some of those phimosis rings that you pop in your willy

"accidentally" releasing the neighbour's cat to give it 12 hours' head start

sir barr cola

>>216502321
you got phimo?

>>216502328
lidl's own is only 6p for a 2l bottle and tastes better

>>216502303
would be a shame if he died in horrible agony

Sir accidental releaser

>>216502204
is this happening due to calculation errors that don't get caught until later on or is this incompetent front of house prison staff like with the ethiopian sex pest one

Might join the Conservative party. They are dead in the water now but I don't want the institution to die. Also they will bounce back and in 10-15 years will be back in power. It would be an easy route to get rich by joining now at their weakest.

burnt finger on grill
it bad

So a gay Muslim communist is the new mayor of New York. What happens now?

>>216502366
*sucks it better*

>>216502356
Shut yo diddy ass up cuh

horse

>>216502370
he said hes going to release all the criminals

>>216502341
yh
all the phimo talk is making me want to cure mine

I'm stood here at HMP Wandsworth, beginning what will amount to just a 5 year sentence as a result of incomplete forensic data recovery and the magic of AES-256.

>>216502389
5 years in the uk? what did he do? murder 1000 people?

>>216502387
corrr, wish i had phimo
my uncircumcised knob is boring

>>216502389
flipin screaning

I accidentally released early

>>216502314
I'm 33 years old but genuinely feel double that age.
I'm ready to retire and enter the winter of my life, waiting to die.

>>216502352
seems they've only recently fucked something up when it comes to their procedures

>>216502424
all the jobs have gone to incompetent foreigners

>>216502378
I don't know what that means.

>>216502424
something like hiring exclusively malicious or retarded immigrants for a decade

>>216502413
you could probably find some body modification freak to sew your foreskin tighter
add a bit of spice and character to it

>>216502282
honestly poo isn't so bad, it's the dire penis stuff that makes me gag

>>216502475
Sorry mate

rorke: grr the immigrants are coming here and working illegally BBC
rorke: grr the immigrants are coming here and working legally being incompetent or something (we nevermakemistakes) (that was my keyboards fault tho)

>>216502475
>penis makes you gag
you'll have to learn how to relax your throat then

also rorke: grr im off to go buy some febreeze

>>216502494
don't think it should be possible for a police station to accidentally release a sex offender due to a single individual's clerical error

>>216502447
Looks like his Loyd Grossman character

wanking is gay because you’re giving a bloke a hand job

no, don't send him back to prison he might save someone's life on a train

what does it mean to say the jury's out

is it a good thing or a bad thing

>>216502555
White-faced yakub. This is NOT ok

the diplomats were dancing, they cancelled all of the war (no more!)

>>216502571
jury's out on that

>>216502589
raggy catching up on the OLDs

>>216502424
yeah i was reading that there was a change in the law in how time served would be calculated, so there's been an uptick in errors on the part of judges and officials who are miscalculating when prisoners should be released. i mean that's bad enough as it is but apparently majority of those offenders are rearrested very quickly without any issues

but it's quite different if there's supposed to be a procedure for handing over a prisoner in custody, like how the ethiopian was supposed to be handed over to officials for deportation, and it's just not followed due to incompetence and lack of oversight

>>216502589
Ruh oh

i've noticed that /brit/ is always much faster between 12 and 1 and then gets slow again after 1

/pol/ raid
janny sleep

>>216502581
what crime is it if a defendant wanks off each member of the jury to influence their decision

>>216502571
it means undecided or indeterminate
because when a jury has to make a decision regarding a court case they do it outside of the court room

>>216502636
I miss you

pro BONO bribery

>>216502655
I’m anti Bono and all the other U2 cunts.

>>216502621
Bloody Poirot over here

>>216502631
dont need juries. just let the judge do it. and give him the switch for the electric chair while we're at it

>>216502658
Zero percent chance any of them speak Czech. What is this photo trying to convey exactly?

>>216502673
>literally made someone judge, jury, and executioner

everything i know about juries comes from that peep show episode

idk maybe international footballers speak a bit of foreign, a bit like a secret agent spy

I'm the Judge, Judy, and Executioner

>>216502607
this news broke 13 minutes ago

>>216502720
Everyone in football speaks English, why would they ever bother?

>>216502723
thanks for callinin for your daily reminder that you dont matter you nobody

>>216502723
oh yea? *moons you*

>>216502673
>Swedish judge rules that the Eritrean migrant who raped 16-y-old Meya Åberg won’t be deported after serving a 3-year sentence because ”the rape didn’t last long enough”

>>216502704
yes. but only if they think the same way i do

gimmick idea: just constantly post about sex offenders being accidentally released from prison, that way when it keeps happening you'll always be first to report it

so it happened again

>>216502749
right well that was unneeded wasn't it :/

>>216502483
no it's my own fault lol. i'm just whining

>>216502516
>throat
you wish. as if you were big enough to hit anyone's throat

it's scary sitting in the galley because everyone of the perps does this glance behind them and you feel as if they're eyeing you up to stab you outside the court building even if you have to do with their case

>>216502756
so he accidentally released early

>>216502700
They are Arsenal fans m8

>>216502204
>*sigh* so it happened AGAIN

>>216502784
no its needed.
go do something with your life

>>216502838
>>216502838

Arse 'n' Wanker the founder of Arse Anal Football Club

>>216502830
what the fuck did I do to you
why are you being such a nasty cunt

that won't last

>>216502906
Fax